Adoption Grief

Ahh.  National Adoption Month.  Here you are again.

Here’s what the Child’s Bureau (US Department of Health and Human Services) says about National Adoption Month:

November is National Adoption month, a month set aside to raise awareness about the urgent need for adoptive families for children and youth in foster care.

Here’s the impact I witness of National Adoption Month on adopted people:

Grief.  Confusion.  Anger.  Fawning.***

Somewhere along the line, National Adoption Month shifted from bringing awareness to the need for adoptive families for children in foster care to celebrating adoption, adoptive families, and particularly, adoptive parents.

This is hurting adopted people.

I’ve made it my life’s commitment to listen to adopted people.  And I can’t believe the things I’ve learned about life, and myself, from listening to adopted people.  I mean…things waaaaaay beyond adoption.  It’s pretty cool, actually.

Listening to adopted people really hit home for me a fundamental truth of being human.  And of doing good therapy.

We can, we MUST, experience multiple feelings as once.

Sometimes contradictory feelings.  Feelings that seem mutual exclusive on the surface.

Like….grief and gratitude.  Grief and goodness.  Grief and contentedness.

I’m not talking about spiritual bypassing by turning bad things into good ones. Looking on the bright side.  Finding the silver lining.

I’m not talking about turning grief and trauma INTO goodness.

I’m talking about holding BOTH.

At the exact same time.

There is no adoption without tragic loss.

It’s hard to imagine a loss more significant that what precedes adoption.

At the absolute LEAST, it’s complete loss, obliteration, annihilation of a family.

Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the safety needs of the child, the annihilation of a family is a tragedy.

Not to mention, for many, adoption means complete loss of identify, culture, language, privilege, racial mirrors…I could make a reallllllly long list but suffice it to say, it’s a realllllllllly long list.  I’m not minimizing the losses or being trite, I’m just acknowledging the limits and reality of a blog post.  

Regardless of what blooms, it starts with tragedy.

As we move through National Adoption Month, let’s make a deliberate practice of always bringing ourselves back to this truth.

It is only in coming into full contact with this truth that we can offer adoptees the life-giving (and maybe life-saving) experience of having all parts of them welcomed.  Honored. Cherished.  Adored.

Recognizing the tragedy that precedes adoption does not take away from the truth that sometimes adoption really is the best, most necessary option (though let’s be honest…it’s not the best, most necessary option as much as it we think it is).

Recognizing the tragedy that precedes adoption does not take away from the truth that sometimes adoption creates something amazing.  A family.

A family that only exists because another one was annihilated.

Can you hold both?

Can both be true?

We must do our work to allow both to be true because adoptee lives are counting on us.

Do you know that the risk of suicide attempt is FOUR TIMES GREATER for adoptees than non-adopted people?***

FOUR TIMES!!!!!!

This is a complex and nuanced topic- but I feel absolutely positive (with no scientific proof to back it up) that the simple step of doing the work so we can hold tragedy, loss, and goodness all together would decrease this risk.

When we ignore the tragedy of adoption, we ignore a part of the core of the adopted person.

When we annihilated a part of the self, it makes sense that that self would be at increased risk of attempting annihilation.

We can do hard things.

We can honor the true tragedy and the grief implicit in adoption.

Let’s try.  Together!  I’m here with you.

I see the grief.  I see the goodness.

You can too.

Robyn

***Fawning = people pleasing.  Setting aside our own needs and feelings in order to please someone else or avoid stress in the relationship***

***Source: Keyes, M et. Al. (2013).  Risk of suicide attempt in adopted and non adopted offspring.  Pediatrics.  132(4). 639-646.***

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