Insecure Anxious Attachment: A Closer Look (Part 3 of 6) {EP 36}

Robyn: Okay, so before we look any closer at what attachment theory calls insecure attachment, we have to get just one thing straight, me and you. When we learn about, think about, read about attachment, it's impossible not to eventually think about your own. Like when I'm teaching about attachment, we sort of giggle you know, and I asked, you know, how many of you- you have parented, you know, have children? And typically a good amount of hands go up. And then I'll ask how many of you ever were children? And then of course everybody's hands go up. So it's impossible to learn about attachment, listen to things about attachment, explore attachment, without some attachment neurobiology, in our own minds to begin to come alive. If you are listening to this podcast series, and you notice that you resonate with some of the descriptions of insecure attachment or even when we get to disorganized attached next week. You might notice some of that beginning to come alive in you. And then what happens next is feelings of shame and embarrassment start to arise because we have a sense that these insecure, the what we've labeled insecure attachment has a negative connotation, it means there's something wrong. Or oftentimes we feel some embarrassment at the behaviors that can emerge from us, because of their roots in insecure attachment. So again, let's just get one thing really clear, insecure attachment isn't bad. Insecure attachment isn't wrong. Insecure attachment doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or your child. When we- what we call attachment styles is just implicit memory that allows babies who then of course, become toddlers and kids and teens, and then eventually adults, to be in relationship in the least stressful way possible. Let me say that, again, what we call attachment styles is just implicit memory that allows all of us to be in relationship in the least stressful way possible. And the organized categories of attachment, which includes secure, and insecure anxious, and insecure avoidant, the baby develops an organized expectation and anticipation about what's going to happen next inside their attachment relationship. They figure out how to make sense of getting their needs met- needs met, or not- not getting their needs met. And then they make sense- the way they make sense of that impacts their behavior, the way they organize emotion and even the way their brain develops. Organized attachment is about making sense of an experience. And then adjusting in order to get our needs met in the best way possible. It's a brilliant adaptation. So attachment, like you might remember from both from the basics of attachment. It was about both physical and emotional survival, right? So babies first need their caregivers to be present and regulated in order to simply just keep them alive. Then babies also need their caregivers to be present and regulated, so that the baby can become themselves. Babies figure out a way and attachment styles, and if you can see me you see me doing air quotes at styles because I really don't like calling this a style. It just feels minimal- minimizing but that's okay, like I wasn't asked when coming up with a language that's used in attachment research. So attachment styles can be assessed and are relatively stable, actually, by the time an infant is 12 months old. So by the time an infant is 12 months old, they've figured out a way, a consistent way to get their caregivers to be as present and regulated as possible. And, y’all, that is brilliant. Babies with caregivers with predominantly a secure state of mind, when it comes to attachment don't have to work too hard at this. They just get to be themselves, right? A precious, miraculous baby that overflows with infinite worth and also who has a lot of needs. They get those needs met much of the time and learn that it's okay to have needs that those needs will mostly get met and they can just be themselves. Right? Okay, so one final note then before we start to really look at insecure anxious attachment. In adults anxious attachment is referred to as preoccupied attachment for like simplicity sake, consistency sake, to make a topic that's already confusing, a little bit less confusing. I'm going to just keep using the language anxious attachment, regardless of if I'm talking about adults, or children. 

Robyn: So what we've been talking about here with regards to attachment is how attachments about babies having an expectation about what's going to happen when they have a need, and then adjusting so that they can get that need met as often as possible. So again, y'all, this is brilliant. When a baby has an attachment need to be seen, or soothed, safe, and secure like doctors, Siegel and Bryson talk about in their books. Adults with a history of insecure anxious attachment have a harder time making sense of those needs than caregivers with secure attachment. They may have a harder time tolerating the discomfort from their baby's cries, especially if that baby isn't quickly soothed. This can lead a caregiver to sue their baby with some inconsistency. Their baby's needs might be felt as overwhelming, and they may struggle to regulate themselves enough that they can then regulate their baby. Or their attempts at soothing their baby can get coupled, like tied together, with anxiety and stress. And then that baby learns that soothing is inconsistent and stressful. Because of their own attachment experiences and the accompanying neurobiology, the caregiver may feel their baby’s distress, and then begin to have their own distress. So in a way, the baby's distress, and the caregivers' distress start to merge with each other. The baby then adapts to the fact that their needs caused stress in their parents or caregivers, and tries to figure out a way to keep their caregiver from getting stressed. Because a stressed caregiver doesn't help the baby get their attachment needs met to feel seen, and soothed, safe, and secure. 

Robyn: So do you see what I mean? I mean, this is truly brilliant. Our attachment adaptations are so brilliant and so protective. And y'all, this is true about your children. And this is true about yourself. So a baby's goal, then, of course is to be safe, seen, soothed, and secure. And they adjust themselves in a way that helps their caregiver provide those things as often as possible. When a baby has a caregiver with more insecure anxious attachment, the baby doesn't receive as much present and soothing co-regulation as they need or as would be ideal. So these babies can remain dysregulated too long and for too often, for them to develop the internalized regulation that is such a byproduct of secure attachment. So the irony then is that unfortunately, babies with insecure anxious attachment might be experienced actually as more difficult to soothe. So they really need the soothing. They aren't developing the internalization that allows them to build the capacity to, you know, have some self soothing, and yet, they often are experienced as difficult to soothe. They really, really, really want to keep their caregiver close and emotionally present. And they have adapted by needing to be soothed a lot, but also not receiving this soothing very well. So in a way these babies remain actually very, very hopeful that they'll receive the co-regulation they need. And therefore they seek the co-regulation often while also maintaining an expectation that they won't receive the co-regulation that they're looking for. So we're going to come back towards the end and talk more about this hope versus expectation. So just kind of hold on to that thought for a minute. 

Robyn: Remember also from the Basics of Attachment, where it talks about how attachment has like these two complementary forces, both connection and autonomy. Babies who develop insecure anxious attachment struggle with the autonomy side. As the baby explores the world or begins to kind of create separation from their caregiver, a caregiver with more insecurely anxious attachment has some distress arise about this autonomy. And the distress can cause the caregiver with more insecure anxious attachment to have some subtle, or sometimes not so subtle, behaviors of dysregulation that really make it clear, ‘oh, I'm uncomfortable with this exploration or with this autonomy’. So the baby figures this out really quickly. And because their primary concern, of course, is keeping their caregiver really regulated, so that they can experience being seen, and secure, soothed, and safe as much as possible. These babies can limit to their exploration and pursuit of autonomy. So then as these babies grow, they become toddlers and then preschoolers that can demonstrate some difficulty in being separated from their caregiver. What's happened is that they haven't really developed an internalized sense of their caregiver and internalized sense of being soothed, so that they can turn to this internalization of their caregiver when their caregiver isn't actually there. And then they also haven't developed a way to regulate themselves when they aren't receiving regulation from their caregiver because the neurobiology of that internalized co-regulation that results from consistently being soothed, just hasn't had the opportunity to really, like, build and bloom. You may be noticing at this time of this podcast episode that insecure anxious attachment could feel a little confusing or kind of slippery to learn about, right? There's like almost a little bit of fuzziness as arises. And honestly, y'all, when I'm teaching about insecure anxious attachment, I have to be very deliberate about staying super, like, grounded and regulated. My mentor, Bonnie Baddenoch, and stay tuned for a podcast interview with Bonnie at the end of this month, describes that felt sense of anxious attachment as a bit of an emotional jungle. It's kind of chaotic and confusing, a little bit slippery. And remember I said at the beginning, that is very common when we're learning about attachment for those, you know, internalized pockets of- of attachment that we all have start to stir and come alive. And we start to feel these experiences of attachment like now in our own neurobiology, because almost with 100% certainty, we've all had experiences of insecure attachment. Even those of us who had primarily secure attachment experiences and you had caregivers with predominantly secure states of mind didn't ever of course experience perfect attunement, perfect parenting, perfectly consistent, always experiences of co-regulation, None of us experience being seen, soothed, secure, and safe 100% of the time. So we all have implicit memory of the different experiences of attachment. Lea- learning about insecure, anxious attachment can feel fuzzy, because the experience of insecure attachment is fuzzy. It's a little confusing, a little unpredictable, a little like, Ah, this doesn't quite make sense but let's just go with it. Right, y'all. This is seriously such a brilliant adaptation. I mean, it's honestly mind blowing to me how quickly after birth, babies are adjusting their behavior and their nervous systems to get their needs met. 

Robyn: Babies with insecure anxious attachment try to meet their caregivers needs, so that their caregiver can be regulated enough to then be present so they can meet the baby's needs. If a baby can't resolve- their- I'm sorry, the baby can't receive the external regulation that they need from their caregiver. They're going to adjust themselves so that at least their caregiver can be present, and this allows the baby to be seen. If I were going to create a Venn diagram of insecure anxious attachment, and if you head over to my blog, you can see this Venn diagram of insecure anxious attachment. If I were going to create a Venn diagram, it would have two circles, right? It would have a circle of you and a circle of me. And the overlapping part of these two circles in the Venn diagram would be almost in totality of the two circles. Like they'd overlap almost to the point where you couldn't even tell there was two. Okay, so the overlap of the you and the me is this really space in relationship. It's how it's how you and me come together to create a we, And so insecure  anxious attachment, the we space overlaps a lot. There is very little me without you, and very little you without me. So what this means though, is that the baby isn't receiving the co-regulation experience it needs in order to build their capacity for self regulation, because the dysregulation can't be kept separate, right? The baby's dysregulation, prompts dysregulation in an adult that the adult struggles to regulate themselves. And so the baby's co-regulation and the adults co-regulation merge. That caregiver then struggles to co regulate the baby, of course, because they are dysregulated themselves. This leads to a baby who develops as a toddler, and a preschooler, a child, the teen, eventually adult, who unfortunately has a limited capacity for self regulation and also, actually even for self. And they tend to really seek regulation externally. They struggle then also to have like a solid sense of identity and self that isn't emerged with who they are in relationship with other people. They struggle with the autonomy side of attachment, and also can- can experience regular discontentedness from the connection side of attachment. Because the connection doesn't always feel truly regulating. 

Robyn: These babies and kids are often described as clingy or as like a bottomless pit. Their parents feel as though they can never make their child happy, or meet their needs. So again, I want to emphasize this is brilliant. Attachment adaptations are brilliant. But they are of course not without consequence. There are obvious challenges that accompany inner working model of insecure anxious attachment. These kids have this desperate pull towards being connected to the point of having really blurry energetic boundaries about like, where do I end and you begin? Yet they also have an unmet innate need to develop autonomy. These kids have limited capacity for self regulation and rely on getting the regulation from others or from the environment. Or another adaptation can be that they become overly controlled. They can become kids that we might call controlling, needy, or clingy yet, often discontent. It doesn't feel like their needs are being met with satisfaction. But again, look at the brilliance of this, they're looking for opportunities to get the co-regulation they need by having a lot of needs. This is so, so, so smart. Unfortunately, it just doesn't often work out that way. Because the neurobiology of insecure anxious attachment leads these kids to behave in ways that matches their expectation, not their hopes. So let's look at that here for a minute. The hope is to be seen, soothed, safe and secure. The expectation though, is the opposite. That they won't get that. Because of the nature of implicit memory and behavior, babies who then obviously become toddlers, preschoolers, kids, teens, adults evoke from their caregivers what they expect, not what they hope. 

Robyn: It's actually true that we all do this, this is just a normal way of, like, human behavior and human interaction. If I'm expecting that I won't receive the co-regulation I need, I usually don't. I might even behave in ways that adults find off putting, irritating, and annoying. Ultimately, this leads to exactly the opposite of what I'm hoping for, but exactly what I'm expecting. As we keep exploring the insecure styles of attachment, including avoidant attachment in the next podcast episode, and then disorganized attachment next week, try to simultaneously hold in mind these two truths. One: adap- attachment adaptations actually are brilliant. And number two: they also can change and it's okay to recognize that, even though they're brilliant and we can honor them, that it would be better for the neurobiology if they could shift. H- it would lead more to actual needs, true needs getting met. Attachment is quite stable throughout our lives unless we are lucky enough to get into close relationship with someone who's able to offer us experiences of secure attachment. Or if we are lucky enough to become aware of our attachment expectations, and then start to put in the hard work to shift them. Though, that's another contradiction. That attachment is quite stable, and attachment also can change. We just have to be on the lookout for how that's possible. There is always, always hope, I promise. 

Robyn: I hope that you'll be back for the next episode, where we'll explore more thoroughly insecure avoidant attachment. When this six part series is done, and this episode marks the halfway point, I have a pretty special surprise waiting for you. So if you haven't already, hit subscribe on the podcast, and make sure that all of the podcast episodes will be appearing in your podcast player. Thank you for taking the time to connect with me today and for caring for kids impacted by trauma. I am so so so grateful for you. If you're new here, I want you to again hit Subscribe on this podcast in your podcast player and then head over to RobynGobbel.com/masterclass. Where you can watch a free three part video series on what behavior really is and how to change it. Please take a moment to share this podcast with your colleagues, friends, grandparents, teachers, everyone. I mean, the sooner the whole world understands the neurobiology of being relationally, socially, and behaviorally human, the sooner our kids will live in a world that sees them for who they really are. Completely amazing, and sometimes struggling. Thanks for tuning in today. I'll see you next time.