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Reigniting Compassion for Parents and Caregivers

 

I assume you’ve heard some version of “THIS ISN’T WORKING” from a parent or caregiver at some point in your career.  That’s exactly how yesterday’s episode started, right? With Nat storming into my office and empathically stating “THIS ISN’T WORKING.”

Let’s zoom back in on the exact scene again.

“This isn’t working,” you tell me. I can’t see your face because I’m straggling behind you, closing the door to my office as you make your way to the couch.

“Tell me,” I say as the door clicks closed. You toss your keys on the side table while I land in my office chair, rolling it toward you with my feet since I’m already sitting in it. “What’s not working?”

“None of it!!! This weekend was a disaster. She punched a kid at the playground! And you’d think that would be the worst part, but it was just the start of everything. All weekend long, she just refused to comply with even the simplest of instructions. It took her four hours to clean her room and I swear she did that on purpose just so she wouldn’t have to do the rest of her chores. THEN last night when I went to put clean towels away in the bathroom, I see that she has used every last drop of shampoo, conditioner, soap, AND TOOTHPASTE! It’s all gone! Just squeezed right down the drain, I guess! I only restocked all those things last week!!!”

“Oh wow, that is a terrible week! What a complete waste of money—literally money down the drain. And all that after she punched a kid at the playground? That must have been the icing on the cake at the end of a hard weekend.”

“I know we are supposed to try to see what’s underneath the behavior, but the only thing underneath that behavior is that she hurts kids for no reason. She can’t be trusted and wants to waste all our money. 

OK freeze frame- pause.

Nat is pretty solidly in her ready for action watchdog brain here.

How can I tell?

Her voice is loud.  She has all or nothing language like NOTHING is working.  She’s using words to describe Sammie’s behavior as a choice like ‘refusing to comply.’  She’s taking Sammie’s behavior very personally- literally saying “she did it on purpose” and she “wants to waste our money.”  She also making big character statements- that Sammie can’t be trusted.

It’s hard to sit with parents who have this level of intensity, toward me and toward their kid.

For me, It’s hard not to take “This isn’t working!” as something personal- like I’m failing this family and doing everything wrong and am terrible at my job and should work at Starbucks.  It’s hard for me not to give in to the indignant voice in my mind that says “Is she even listening to anything I’m saying? Because if she was, surely we wouldn’t still be talking about this!”

It’s hard for me not to take responsibility for things that are simply out of my control- someone else’s regulation.  Especially when I’m not even there.

We’ll talk tomorrow in episode four about my own watchdog and possum brain- today we’re going to stay focused on Nat and her watchdog and possum brain.

Nat’s brain is in protection mode and clearly has the accelerator pedal pushed full on into sympathetic arousal.  This means she isn’t experiencing felt-safety and her watchdog brain is taking over.  Just like Sammie’s watchdog brain, Nat’s watchdog brain is trying to keep her safe.

The ready for action level of arousal is pretty high, considering that objectively speaking, Nat is in a safe place – my office.

It’s tempting for me to remind Nat that she is conceptualizing Sammie’s behaviors all wrong.  I mean…doesn’t she remember everything we’ve been talking about?

But when I remember my first goal is to create safety, it becomes much more clear what my next step really is.

I want Nat to know I see her, I feel her, and all her feelings are welcome.

So I say “Oh wow, that is a terrible week! What a complete waste of money—literally money down the drain.” I matched her energy, I did not argue with her, I didn’t do anything except be with her in the moment and while bringing my full authenticity.

We left off with Nat accusing Sammie of purposefully wasting all their money- see, that’s an all or nothing word again- by dumping toiletries down the drain.  She’s justifiably angry and we hear her watchdog brain being in charge because she accuses Sammie of wasting all their money on purpose.  To be clear- anger in and of itself doesn’t mean that Nat is dysregulated.  The clue that she’s creeped lower and lower in her brain- that the watchdog is getting more and more active- is the black and white, rigid, all or nothing thinking.

Here’s how I responded. I said  “Yup! She can’t have unlimited access to toiletries that’s for sure.” I didn’t argue with Nat or saying something like “well, it’s not really that she can’t be trusted it’s that she isn’t regulated enough to have impulse control or think about cause and effect.”  I mean, those would have been accurate things to say but it surely wouldn’t have helped Nat’s watchdog brain feel safer.

So I literally just agreed.  I said “yup. She can’t have unlimited access to toiletries.’  Now my reasoning for limiting access to toiletries is to provide Sammie the scaffolding and co-regulation she needs- not a punishment.  But by acknowledging that there is something that needs to be done about this situation I’m sending a clear message to Nat that I agree- this behavior isn’t OK and we need to do something to keep it from continuing.

Let’s hear how Nat responds to my agreement that Sammie can’t have unlimited access to toiletries.

“It’s ridiculous. She’s 10 years old. Why is she dumping shampoo like a toddler?”

“Great question! I wonder if it could be helpful, though, for just a moment, to notice what you just said. It’s behavior like a toddler.” I increase the energy in my voice a little, to be closer to the energy you have, but without the anger. I want you to know I’m hearing you and I’m taking you seriously. I want you to feel matched and seen and known.

“I don’t want to parent a toddler! I already did that! She knows better!”

“I absolutely agree with you that her owl brain knows exactly how much toothpaste, shampoo, and conditioner to use. I bet her owl brain even understands that all those things cost money and she knows exactly how much shampoo to put in her hand.”

I noticed something really important Nat said- she described Sammie’s behavior like the behavior of a toddler.  She might have meant it a bit critically but she’s also not wrong.  As Dr. Dan Sielge says, when we get stressed, we regress.  As Sammie’s fear and arousal increase, she is operating out of lower and lower parts of her brain.  They are also younger and younger parts. I validate Nat when I said GREAT QUESTION and then I invited her, with genuine wonder and curiosity- it we could just pause and notice exactly that- that Sammie’s behavior was more similar to a toddler’s than a 10 year old.

Nat insists that Sammie knows better –  and I do not disagree.  In fact, I said “I absolutely agree…”  I am delivering a steady stream of cues of safety to Nat and looking for clues that she’s receiving them.  I emphatically stated “I absolutely agree” and then I add in some important subtleties- her owl brain knows.  Her owl brain understands that it costs money and knows how much shampoo to use.’

 Nat responds with “Exactly. She knows these things!!”

 I’m noticing that Nat is still really angry—and rightfully so—but the intensity in her voice has come down just a notch. Her body shifts from the edge of the couch where she’d been perched since arriving, and she sinks back just a little bit.  Also she used the word exactly in response to what I said.  This is fantastic.  I’m getting it right and she’s feeling known.

“I know she knows all these things,” I tell you. “She knows these things because you’ve taught her these things. Gosh, I wish this journey was just about teaching her things. But if that’s all it was, you wouldn’t even be here, would you? Because you’re good at that. You know how to teach her things and she can learn them.”

“So why isn’t she DOING THEM?” Your intensity increases a notch.

“Well, this is a great question. I love that you’re open to being curious about that question.”

Your question lets me know you’ve moved out of the assumption that the shampoo dumping is about trust and wasting your money on purpose.

I also make a note that you’re focused on the shampoo dumping. This surprises me, since you also told me she punched a kid at the playground and I would have thought you’d feel that was a bigger problem. I wonder if something about the shampoo dumping feels very personal and therefore a little harder to see beneath.

“I’ll bet after all the dysregulation from the weekend, finding the wasted shampoo and toothpaste just put you over the edge.”

“Oh, I was already over the edge. I’d basically fallen off the cliff and was sitting there dazed at the bottom!”

“Right!” I agree. “And that’s when the empty shampoo bottle dropped on your head!”

We both laugh a little. Playfulness. A sign of connection.

Playfulness is a great sign of connection.  Playfulness is the nervous system experiencing some energy and arousal- but with safety and connection.  This is exactly what I’ve been hoping for.  I haven’t argued with Nat.  I haven’t tried to calm her down.  I’ve done exactly with Nat what I want her to do with Sammie.  Meet her where she is, match her, give cues of safety, be explicit that her feelings are valid and welcome, and aim for safety instead of calm.

I invite Nat to tell me a little more about the playground punching and she heaves a heavy sigh. The energy in her body continues to come down and down, and we start to get underneath the anger- where together we find exhaustion and grief.

Exhaustion, grief, even anger are feelings that are completely valid and I don’t have to feel afraid that if I validate them she’ll get stuck in them.  The exact opposite happens.  When Nat feels seen known and not judged, her emotions can move through.  There’s nothing keeping them stuck.

And actually, the same is true for me.  If I ride the wave of feeling with Nat, we do exactly that- we ride.  We don’t crash up against each other.  We don’t become adversarial.  I don’t meet her with any agenda.  Keeping my own nervous system open and trusting that Nat’s nervous system is seeking coherence means I’m actually working way less hard.  This keeps me out of burn out.  This prevents me from crashing into compassion fatigue.  It isn’t fatiguing to truly just be with. 

Now that I’ve connected with Nat, I can help her see what was really going on with Sammie.  Our connection means Nat is much less likely to feel defensive once I shift into parent coaching.  It also helps her believe that we are just excusing Sammie’s behavior. Nat has heard from me loud and clear that the behavior isn’t OK- someone got punched!  So she’s trusting me that I’m not going to give her excuses and then leave her without any tools.

But as we work together to put on our x-ray vision goggles and see beneath Sammie’s behaviors, something new starts to shift in Nat’s nervous system.

Let’s zoom back in- you might remember this scene from yesterday.

The look in your eyes lets me know you understand and are maybe shifting a bit into hopelessness.

“This is just so hard,” I say. “So hard for both of you. You just want to take your daughter to the park and not hover like she’s a wobbly toddler. She just wants to play with kids and be a normal girl. Her body must be so exhausted from always working so hard to protect itself from all this danger she feels in the world. You’re exhausted, too.”

I watch you take a deep breath and sink even deeper into the couch. 

“Sometimes, this all just feels hopeless,” I say.

“You’re telling me.” You pick up your warm mug of coffee with cream that has become our ever-present anchor of safety, bring it to your lips, and take a sip.

Zoom out.  Nat’s possum brain emerged.  So I shift too.  I bring my energy way down, matching her energy while continuing to prioritize sending cues of safety through mirroring.  I validate Nat’s feelings.  I see her disappointment. Her exhaustion.  The hopelessness.  I say it outloud which sends a very clear message of I see you. Your feelings are welcome here.  All of them.

I don’t try to talk Nat out of them.  I don’t try to talk myself out of them.  I meet Nat exactly where she is.  I make no indication that I want her to leave this place she is.  I’m comfortable going there with her and staying as long as she needs.

As counter intuitive as it might feel, when I’m ready to just wait without agenda, to truly just wait and be present and curious about what is going to happen next, my nervous system works LESS hard.

There’s nothing in my own way.  I stay in my own owl brain while matching Nat’s energy.  If you speak polyvagal language, I stay solidly anchored in my own ventral vagal state while borrowing some dorsal vagal energy.  This means I remain in a state of felt-safety.  I communicate felt safety to Nat.  I resonate with her hopelessness without being consumed by it.

It is exactly these energetic boundaries that keep me out of burn-out, compassion fatigue, and ultimately, help me continue to love my work and work for effectively and even joyfully with parents- even when it’s really really hard.  Hard can have ease and flow and connection and presence when we understand what behavior really is and keep our strong energetic boundaries.

Then, as I’m committed to waiting as long as Nat needs me to wait, I watch her body just innately take a step toward regulation.  She takes a drink.

For the rest of the session, Nat and I spend some time rehashing the rest of the weekend.  Sammie’s low grade defiance.  Her rude and oppositional behavior.  Since Nat and I are connected she’s pretty easily reframing Sammie’s oppositional behavior and protection behavior.  I make it clear to Nat that of course she flips into protection mode TOO when Sammie’s in protection mode- our nervous systems are contagious.  I don’t judge her and I use lots of words like of course.

Cues of safety.

Safety is the treatment.

Nat and I brainstorm the behavior and ways that Nat could help Sammie in the future.  Because Nat is pretty solidly now in connection mode in her brain, her curiosity and creativity comes back on line and she ends up having a great idea.  She was able to be curious about the shampoo squeezing, lean into the belief that the body is always trying to get regulated and came up with a great idea all on her own- she could have put Sammie in the bathtub with shaving cream.

This moment- this moment where Nat comes up with a brilliant idea all on her own- this might be the most important moment of all.

Because now Nat moves solidly back into the her most empowered self.  She is her daughter’s expert- second only to Sammie of course.  She can learn her daughter’s cues.  She can go to a professional for help understanding the science of behavior because that’s the professionals’ job, not hers.

But armed with science and a professional who prioritizes helping Nat regulate over teaching Nat how to be a “better parent” means Nat begins to trust herself as Sammie’s best advocate.  This confidence just fuels Nat’s ability to stay regulated and keep those x-ray vision goggles on in the future.

That’s exactly what I hope will happen.  I want Nat to become her child’s own expert and to intuitively use tools that actually work.  This confidence allows Nat to focus more on BEING with Sammie instead of just doing behavior intervention tools…because it’s the being not the doing that matters most.

Here’s the thing.  Nat’s behavior with me in the room is pretty mild.  I’ve had parents do all the same things you have.  They yell at me.  They say terrible things about their kid- sometimes in front of their kid.  They say terrible things about me!  Or- they tell me they agree, they understand everything I’m saying but then nothing ever changes.

Or they seem to always have an emergency come up on those parent-only sessions.  They accuse me of just playing with their kid, of making excuses, or not preparing them for the real world- and they do this with an accusatory tone that can be pretty hard to regulate through.

There are sooooo many ways that adult watchdog and possum brains show up in our offices- or our zoom calls- in all the different roles we play with parents- therapists, coaches, teachers, advocates. It is hard.  REALLY hard.

The path is always the same.  Safety.  Connection.  Helping parents feel seen and heard and known and believed.  And offering the occasional drink and a snack helps too.

If we can see the grown-ups behavior the same way we see their kids- as watchdog and possum behavior- we get much better ideas about how to help them.  Ideas that actually work.

And I know that this is so hard!  We get defensive – for ourselves and their kid.  We get intimidated.  We doubt ourselves.  Basically what happens is that our watchdog or possum brains come out too!

For me to help Nat feel seen and heard and not judged, I have to stay connected to my owl brain.

Which is exactly what Nat needs to do with Sammie.

The coolest part about all of this is when I practice staying connected to my owl brain with Nat, her owl brain gets stronger and she’s more likely to stay connected to her owl brain with Sammie- even if we never explicitly talk about it that way.  Though with many- if not even most parents- I do explicitly talk about it that way.  Just like eventually we do with kids when we teach them about their owl, watchdog, and possum brain.

And so here we are- at the final stage of this pop-up podcast.

The stage where I now see my own behavior through this new paradigm.  The stage where I start to get familiar with when I’m at risk of my watchdog and possum brain coming out.  I’m not judging those parts of me, I’m staying curious and compassionate, just like I did with Nat.

So between now and when tomorrow’s episode airs, think about this.

Is your watchdog or possum brain more likely to spring into action during challenging sessions?

Does that change depending on if you’re with a watchdog or possum caregiver?

What are your own cues that your watchdog or possum is coming out to play? And What challenging behaviors from caregivers don’t really seem to threaten your owl brain and don’t bring out your watchdog or possum brain- because it’s different for each of us.

And finally – why does this even matter?

Well let’s go back to why we came together this week in the first place.  To figure out how to love our work again.

The more we can stay in our own owl brains, the more we’ll love our work.  It’ll be easier.  We’ll stay out of burn out.  We’ll be able to stay compassionate and here’s the kicker- we’ll have better boundaries.

Remember- staying owl brain doesn’t mean just accepting really bad behavior.  Not in the least.

For me, staying in my owl brain means I can confidently and without judgment set a boundary if I need to.

Boundaries – physical and energetic- are probably the ultimate path toward staying out of burn out and loving our work again and yes- the owl brain is great at boundaries.

Now that episode three is finished, hop on over to the discussion forum on Facebook.  This episode is airing live on Wednesday and there is a live Q&A scheduled for today Wednesday at 230pm eastern over in the discussion forum on Facebook- I’ll put the link in the show notes but it’s also in the emails you are getting every day for the Making Sense of Baffling Behavior popup audio training.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for the final episode and then we’ll wrap the whole week up on Friday in the Facebook discussion forum with one last Q&A.

We’re three days in and I hope you are feeling some hope that you can indeed love your work again.  Changing how I see other people’s behaviors has changed my life- both professionally and personally.  It’s allows me to hold space for literally hundreds of parents at a time in the Club, all my professional students, and my team of coaches.  It allows me to hold space for the 24,000 people who get my emails and the thousands of people listening to my podcast.  Changing how I see other people’s behaviors have almost certainly saved my marriage, made me a much better parent and friend and daughter and gotten me through a global pandemic without losing myself into a pit of despair.

It really truly is a tool in it’s own right.

And at the end of this training, it’s your tool always and forever.

Alrighty- I’ll see you over in the Facebook discussion forum and then back here in your podcast player tomorrow for day 4 of the Making Sense of Baffling Behavior Pop Up audio training!