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Safety & Connection are the Treatment

I wish I could tell you that it never bothers when parents yell at me or insist that all the hard work we – which includes me, their child, and them! – isn’t working.

But it does.

And y’all know that the scene in my office with Nat is mild!  Just like you, I regularly encounter parents who are much more closed off, withdrawn, disengaged, angry, and seemingly completely uninterested in participating in their child’s therapy or any type of coaching or support with me.  

After yesterday’s episode you and I are on the same page now that those behaviors in parents just let us know that they are pretty chronically high in either their watchdog or possum brain.

Knowing this doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.  One of our core tenets is that we are all always looking for connection.  We all needed connection to survive.

That includes us!  Me, you.  Those of us who are helpers!

Simply because we are in a professional role doesn’t mean our longings for connection turn off.

When I walk to the waiting room, eager to send the energy of connection to my client and the connection isn’t volleyed back, it’s hard.

Let’s go back to the same scene- where Nat comes in telling me that nothing is working.  But let’s actually go back one or two minutes before I greet her in the waiting room.

The jingle bells on the office door let me know you’ve arrived.  I hit ‘save’ on the client note I just finished writing and close my laptop.  The click of my laptop screen hitting the keyboard helps me set the energetic boundary between my last client and you.  A big breath in, a longer exhale.  Another.  I pause to notice my feet on the floor, my butt in my chair…and then I notice a swell of gratitude that you’ve returned.  You’ve driven to the office again.  Hope brought you back, again.  It’s an act of bravery every single time.  I remind myself that an entire week has passed since I saw you last.  It’s easy to expect the same person who walked out of my office a week ago to walk back in, now.  But also unrealistic.  I take a moment to connect with myself so that I can welcome the you that’s here now.  I want to greet the real you in the waiting room, not the you who I expect to be there.

I leave my office, turn the corner, and our eyes meet. 

One of the most impactful aspects of my own therapy was how my therapist always greeted me with bright eyes, delight, and the word “welcome.”  Not hello.  Welcome.

I work to do the same.

Welcome! I say as we lock eyes.  It’s instantly clear to me that your watchdog brain has come along today. 

I notice a twinge of disappointment in my heart.  Watchdogs- and possums- are hard to connect with and just like everyone else, I’m always looking for connection. 

In a millisecond, I notice and acknowledge my own disappointment, offer myself self-compassion, and soothe my own watchdog brain. 

I walk behind you into the office and as I bring the door closed you say “This isn’t working!”

I take another breath, wiggle my toes in my shoes to intentionally connect with the earth and say a silent “All of you is welcome here, exactly as you are.”  I make a mental note to spend some time later with the younger, hurting parts of me that are touched and awakened when you say 

“This isn’t working.” 

The younger parts of me that learned it was job to always make sure everything was working.

The younger parts of me that learned if I didn’t soothe the grown-ups dysregulation right away that something bad was going to happen.

A breath and then I lean in.  “Tell me!” I say. “What isn’t working!”

*****

Y’all this is hard work!! Sometimes, my possum voice whispers things in my ear that sound like “You are terrible at this.”  “You don’t help anyone.”  “You have no idea what you are doing and should work at Starbucks.”  My possum brain can so quickly go to hopelessness and collapse.

Othertimes, my watchdog brain keeps my possum brain away and instead of hopelessness, I feel some anger and maybe even indignation.  I might have thoughts like “Seriously?  We are going to have this conversation again?  Are you even listening to anything I’m saying?”

There are so many great reasons my watchdog is prepping to come to the session.  It’s perfectly human for our own watchdog and possum brains to want to join our client’s in their watchdog or possum brains.

I’m not sure where we helpers learned we should be perfect containers for our clients, always checking our humanity at the door.

This isn’t possible and it wouldn’t be good even if it was possible.

My watchdog and possum brains offer me so many important insights. When I’m able to observe my own watchdog and possum reactions, I get insights into what Nat might be experiencing, insights into what Sammie might be experiencing, and even insights into the hurting parts of me that are still waiting to be seen, known, and soothed in the way they deserve. Of course, I reflect on and spend time with these hurting parts of me not during my time with Nat but in the quiet moments after, or when I get to dig into the sandtray, do some non-dominant art or journaling and yes, on the couch in my own therapist’s office, or in one of my training groups.

After a lot of practice, a lot of felt-safety, and a lot of accurate reflection from mentors, colleagues and my own therapist, I can notice, acknowledge, and settle my inner watchdog and possum brain- most of the time- in milliseconds.

When Nat arrives with some fury and proclaims that THIS IS NOT WORKING, I can respond, without missing a beat, with an invitation to tell me more.

We – us helpers- all have our own unique tender spots.  There is nothing wrong or shameful about this.  What’s most important is that we find spaces where we can be honest about these tender spots and then safely explore them so that we can bring our owl brain most often into our work with clients.

Dr. Porges of Polyvagal Theory says Safety is the Treatment.

Staying in the owl watchdog and possum metaphor here, what Dr. Porges is saying is that bringing our owl brain to our work with our clients as much as possible that’s the treatment.

Let’s be sure not to confuse our owl brain with our logical brain full of facts and knowledge.  The owl brain allows for an integrated, resonant presence in which our own nervous system is able to offer cues of safety to our clients. The owl brain is our nervous system in connection mode.  If we stay in polyvagal language, the owl brain is our nervous system settled into our ventral vagal complex. 

Of course, all the tools in my toolbox can complement my work with Nat and clients like Nat quite nicely.  But they are complements.  Safety is the treatment.  Staying in my owl brain is the treatment.

Dr. Badenoch – remember Bonnie Badenoch? I introduced you to Dr Badenoch in episode one! – invites us healers to become aware of our implicit awakenings- healing what we can and letting go of any false belief that we can- or even should- become perfect containers.

The owl brain invites our clients to tell us more, even when what they are telling us is really uncomfortable.

The owl brain stays curious.  The owl brain holds the energetic boundary that my client can feel like nothing is working and I don’t have to collapse into possum brain or rally my own watchdog brain troops.

The owl brain trusts that all behavior makes sense.  Sammie’s.  Nat’s  and mine.

The owl brain assures Nat that of course she feels that way.  How she feels makes perfect sense. And the owl brain means it.

The owl brain is confident that I can completely validate her feelings in the moment without confirming that she’s right- the owl brain knows that Nat really does feel like Sammie’s sole intention really is just to waste all her money. My owl brain gives me permission to validate that feeling without worrying that I’m agreeing with her.  

Safety is the treatment.  Connection is the treatment.

When my owl brain is strong I can keep inviting Nat’s watchdog brain to just tell me more.  I don’t feel urgency to move into education or coach role and remind Nat why Sammie is behaving this way.

My owl brain trusts that when Nat feels safe and seen, her owl brain will rejoin us and she doesn’t need me to tell her any of those things.

My owl brain soothes me when I’m working with clients who never feel safe enough to allow there to be any other explanation for why their child is behaving in these challenging ways. They stay committed to the explanation that that their child is bad, knows better, and needs to be punished. And yes it’s hard and can feel exhausting to work with those parents.  

But my owl brain reminds me that the parent’s watchdog brain is protecting them from something.  I might not ever have any idea what it is but I just trust that it’s true.

This helps soothe my watchdog brain and the parts of me that start to feel frantic when parents are angry or when truly nothing really does seem to be changing.  The parts of me that are frustrated when parents aren’t able to engage or do anything differently.

Safety is the treatment.  Enough experiences of safety may eventually allow the parent to open up to connection – with me or their child.

But offering safety isn’t the same as the other person receiving safety.

My owl brain helps me maintain my energetic boundaries.  It helps me remember what I’m responsible for and what I’m not.

And this- this keeps burn out at bay. This allows me to stay anchored in compassion – for myself and my clients.  

I can connect with my own authentic feelings of sadness and grief.  Grief for the immense amount of pain that my clients are holding that make it seem impossible for them to receive my offerings of safety.  Grief for what the child is experiencing.  Grief for what this parent must have experienced in the past that their watchdog and possum brains are still working so hard for them now.

Nat’s watchdog brain is safe enough to receive my offerings of safety and connection.  Her intensity even has moments of shifting from outrage to playfulness.  Remember when she joked about feeling like empty shampoo bottles were dropped on her head after she’d already been pushed over the edge?

Ahhhh.  It is a relief to have connection volleyed back.

Nat isn’t responsible for meeting my need for connection but I can’t separate myself from the fact that connection is indeed an innate human need.  Even with my therapist hat on, I’m longing for connection and it feels better when it’s there.

It’s OK for us to rest into these moments.  These moments of rest create a little more space in our window of tolerance for the next time the disconnection arises.  That could happen within moments, or maybe not until the next session or even a month from now.

The moments of disconnection happen more frequently and more intensely with the families of kids with big baffling behaviors.  The intensity, the fear, and the whispers of trauma that have created the chaos, intensity, and fear all comes into our work with these families.  We invite it in.  We want it to come in!

This inevitably means there are more moments of disconnection.

This is hard on our nervous system, and it’s especially hard when our own histories contain many moments of disconnection.

The more well exercised our own watchdog and possum protectors have been in our life, the more quickly they are ready to come out and play- even in our work with clients.

Heal what we can, increase our ability to recognize our implicit awakenings, widen our window of tolerance, and let go of the belief that we can- or should – be perfect containers.

HOW?  How do we do that?

The same way our clients do.

Safety. And connection.

Self-compassion.

I’ve had a couple key lightbulb moments in my career that I’ll tell you about but most of the healing comes in the boring not lightbulb moments in between.

Many many years ago, I sat in a group training- it was the first intensive and immersive training experience I’d ever participated in.  Up until then, I’d done lots of day or weekend trainings, but nothing so immersive and definitely nothing that invited us, the students, to bring our whole true selves- not just our professional therapist selves.

It was disarming. And life changing.

Anyway, I have a vivid memory of being in this group training and the trainer said “I’ve never met a true self I haven’t fallen in love with.”

In that moment, all my years of studying the science of relational neurobiology allowed me to really take in what she was saying.

I’ll know my client’s true self has shown up when I feel drawn toward them with curiosity, compassion, and yes even love.

All true selves are loveable.

She said it so nonchalantly – as if it was obvious to everyone – but that moment changed my life.

What it meant to me in that moment is that when I’m not necessarily feeling a whole lot of love for a client- when I find myself with whispers – or even shouts – or anger, contempt, indignation in my mind, I don’t have to feel ashamed.  I can pause and remind myself that my client’s watchdog or possum brain is in charge.  Then I take a breath.  I mean, I take a breath just imagining it.  When I remember the behavior is just about their watchdog or possum brain, my own watchdog and possum brains rest.  My owl brain can stay in charge. The more my owl brain is in charge, the less I dance with burnout and compassion fatigue.

This whole ‘all true selves are loveable’ thing blew my mind in the same way Bonnie Badenoch’s ‘no behavior is maladaptive did.’

So I did what I do which is talk to my people.

Within days of this whole ‘all true selves are loveable’ insight, I was having lunch with my dearest and favorite human, Marshall Lyles.  You remember Marshall?  He was sitting next to me at the no behavior is maladapative conference.  You might even be lucky enough to know Marshall.  He’s a dear friend, a brilliant therapist, and a good, good human.

When I told Marshall about all true selves being loveable he blinked, took another bite of chips and salsa –we were eating Mexican food of course –  and he said “Huh.  I guess if we’re going to believe that about our clients, we’re gonna have to believe it about ourselves.”

Huh.  I guess he’s right.

And there was a time in my life when that felt terrifying and frankly, impossible.

Eventually, I was able to question why I believed I was the one outlying variable.  Why did I believe my watchdog and possum parts weren’t just protectors but were instead proof there was something quite wrong with me?

I’ve spent a decade studying the neurobiology so intensely because I needed facts.  I needed science to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me.

I thought I was studying it to be a better therapist, and in a way, I was.  But who I was really studying it for was myself.

Understanding the science behind no behavior being maladaptive allowed me to risk curiosity and compassion- with myself.

This allowed me to risk connecting with my watchdog and possum parts, especially after they showed up in session.

I was able to look at my own behavior- behavior that emerged from not feeling safe and having my watchdog and possum brain be in charge- and say “of course! Of course you are feeling that way!”

This meant I could feel safe enough to allow these parts of me to be shown to my colleagues and mentors.

Colleagues and mentors who had already proven up that they, too, believed that no behavior is maladapative.  That they too believed all true selves were loveable.  They believed this about their clients but they believed this about everyone- including me.

When you spend enough time looking into the eyes of people who believe that all behavior makes sense, you really start to believe it.  About yourself.

Looking into the eyes of people who believe that all behavior makes sense allowed me to do the inner work I needed heal what I could, noticing implicit awakenings before my owl brain would totally fly away.

It’s where I learned to invite in my own watchdog and possum brain- having curiosity about what I could learn.  I was able to wonder what my watchdog brain reaction could tell me about what my client was experience- or maybe about what my client’s child was experiencing.

Regularly looking into the eyes of people who believe that all behavior makes sense is when I began to notice the symptoms of burn out and compassion fatigue and imposter syndrome were starting to fade away.

I noticed I wasn’t ruminating about my clients as much outside of session.

I noticed I was tired at the end of a long day but not collapsing into mild dissociation.

Being with ourselves with authenticity, curiosity, and compassion reduces the friction that leads to burn-out, compassion fatigue, and imposter syndrome.  Being with OTHERS who are committed to the belief that all true selves are loveable, no behavior is maladapative, and each of us overflows with infinite worth- that’s something I learned from Kent Hoffman – reduces the friction that leads to burn-out, compassion fatigue and imposter syndrome.

I have been so fortunate in my career to know a lot of people who believe these things.

Colleagues like Marshall.  The colleagues I shared office space with.  Mentors.  The spaces my mentors created, bringing together groups of people to create these safe spaces.

My own therapist.

I remember playfully accusing my therapist one day of also believing that all true selves are loveable.

I told her what my group trainer had said about all true selves being loveable and then I looked her square in the eye and said “You believe that too, don’t you?”

Yup, is all she said.

So- I challenged her- what about when my not so loveable parts come to therapy?

I’ll love those parts, too, she said.

And when you can’t? I asked?  Because I knew I had some not so loveable parts that would give her a run for her money.

I’ll get help, she said.

And I believed her.

Y’all, it took me a looooooong time and a lot of different trainings to finally bring together everything I was learning about the neuroscience and integrate it with the tools I was learning to help kids and families.  It took finding very unique and in some ways magical spaces where I could learn those things while also being in a safe enough place to learn about myself.  It took a long time for me to find the safety I needed to allow my not-so-loveable parts of self to get what they needed.  What they needed was to be with people who believed all behavior made sense.

Getting through the pandemic, writing my book proposal and then a book, writing another book about my own healing journey- a book that is no where near publication but hopefully will be some day- allowed me to reflect on how to create this kind of experience for others.

What I came up with is the Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s Immersion Program for Professionals.

When you join the Immersion Program, you’ll learn about the neurobiology in a way that allows the tools we learn to become useful, intuitive, and to emerge from a place of being instead of doing.  Because that’s what creates the safety our clients need.  The year-long immersion program will pack your toolbox with tools to work with the most challenging grown-ups as well as the tools to work with the most challenging children.

But most importantly, the Immersion Program will create the container that will invite your own inner world to widen your window of tolerance, become aware of implicit awakenings, and then lean in to it- knowing we can never and should never become perfect containers.

Every year when we start to approach the end of the immersion program, I marvel at how my students, my coaches, and myself instinctually begin the process of reflecting and integrating the experience.  Every year, students say some version of exactly what I hope for- that this is still hard work but they don’t collapse in exhaustion.  They feel confident and inspired.  They feel equipped to handle even the hardest parents with the toughest kids because they have a lot of tools and feel OK about the moments where they have no idea what to do and no tool that will help.  

The integration of the neurobiology with the very practical tools allows the tools to feel intuitive and actually useful.  No more throwing speghetti at the wall.  The integration of the tools with the self attunement and exploration allows  the tools to come from a place of being instead of doing.  And the integration of it all- the neurobiology with the tools with the self exploration has allowed compassion and curiosity to cultivate a whole new sense of being with themselves, each other, and their clients.  So their clients can then be with themselves in a whole new way and then yes of course they can be with their children in a whole new way.

Y’all, this brings us to the end of our journey with Nat! 

I hope you’re feeling inspired and empowered, and can connect to compassion for yourself.  Teachers, therapists, all the helpers- we were burned out before the pandemic.  We work within systems that provoke moral injury as we try to balance best client care with what the system allows us to do.  Now- as we walk alongside side our clients and endure this trauma together, for some of us it has simply become too much.

Understanding what behavior really is – our clients, ourselves, our bosses, and really we could apply this paradigm to the systems we work within as well- understanding what behavior really is isn’t the totality of recovering from burn-out and compassion fatigue.

But it can’t be overstated how important it is to grow our owl brain.  The process of developing presence and connection with ourselves will increase our window of tolerance and allow true resilience to emerge- not just grin and bear it and try to survive resilience.  Real resilience.  Growing our owl brain helps us step into confidently setting compassionate boundaries- with clients, the systems we work within, and even bigger social justice issues.

We have one more Q&A on Friday at 10am eastern over in the Facebook forum.  These podcast episodes will remain live through the end of the day Monday May 11.

If this audio training has inspired you and you’d eager to dive so much deeper, I’d love to have you join me in next year’s cohort of the professional immersion program.  Everything we do at the Baffling Behavior Training Institute, and especially in the Immersion Program, rests on three pillars- The first pillar is that we will deeply learn the relational neuroscience. The second pillar is that we’ll stuff our toolbox with tools – that actually work! – to use in our work with caregivers and kids…especially the most complex, complicated kids and parents.  The most resistant, the ones who refuse to come in for parent sessions, accuse you of just playing, and insist that their kids are just bad and need more punishment.  You know- caregivers in their watchdog and possum brain.  The third pillar is that the very experience of being with one another- through creating a container where it is explicit stated that all parts are welcome, no behavior is maladaptive, all true selves are loveable and overflow with infinite worth, will invite integration.  Integration means your owl brain will be able to stay more in charge, even if the stressors never change, and you’ll have the ability to resonate- without drowning in or cutting yourself off from your client’s experience.

This work has quite literally changed my life.  It’s allowed me to truly just be with myself despite really really significant stressors.  It’s allowed me to get through this global crisis while navigating a family crisis, having solid boundaries when other people’s watchdog and possum brains lead them to have pretty challenging behaviors- without judging, shaming, or getting lost in what for me could feel like chaos.  It’s allowed me to have the capacity to hold hundreds of struggling parents with intensely struggling kids.  And now it’s allowed me to create this experience for you- so more therapists love their work, do it sustainably and for as long as they’d like, and make an impact on future generations that is truly hard to comprehend.

This story audio training is ending but if you’re interested in joining the Immersion Program, head to RobynGobbel.com/Immersion and read all about it! Our annual cohorts always start in January but we are opening applications now.  There is a ton of information over on the website, including testimonials and three videos about the program you can watch.  

And although this brings our time with Nat to an end, you can reconnect with Nat and accompany her on our entire journey together in my book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain Body Sensory Strategies that really work.  The book gives you a continued behind the scenes look at 12 sessions with Nat, a full course of treatment from beginning to end to follow up years later. By the end, you’ll adore Nat. and you’ll adore Sammie.  And that’s awesome because everyone needs as many people as possible to adore them.  Including Nat and Sammie.  

Y’all.  I’m overflowing with gratitude that you joined me here.  That you are continuing to show up and do your job.  That you love struggling families and their kids.  That you see the value in yourself, giving yourself what you need to do this job sustainably, and your right to love your work.  This is really hard work that has only gotten harder.  Thank you thank you thank you for continuing to do it.  The work you do matters.  It matters a lot.  Kids lives are better because of you, I promise.  Even if you can’t see the impact, the impact is there.  The brain changes inside relationship.  The relationships you are cultivating with kids and families matters.  I promise.  Even when you don’t see behavior change.  It matters.

Thank you for going on this journey with Nat and me!

Head back to the Facebook forum and we can discuss this episode as well as the impact of the entire podcast series.