Focus on Arousal…Not Behaviors (Part 1) {EP 4}

Or….getting to know your child’s watch-dog brain (and maybe yours, too).

The key to true, long-lasting behavior change is actually to stop focusing on behaviors.  Stop trying to change them.  Stop the charts.  Stop the behavior modification.  Stop the rewards. Stop the punishments.

Read that again.  How does that feel?  Like a relief?  Like terror??

Both?

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Staying focused on behaviors, rewards, consequences, charts, stickers….it’s all just so exhausting.  It’s exhausting because it doesn’t really work and because it’s pulling us out of integrity with what’s true.  I think all of us have a place inside of us- maybe realllllly buried under a culture of behaviorism- that knows we are really missing the mark when we focus on behaviors.

But, if we stop focusing on behaviors- what do we do instead???  Behavioral techniques offer a bit of safety to the enforcer.  They are such clear guidelines, and we like that!!

If we shift our focus on tracking the energy and arousal that underlies the behaviors, we still get to have the safety and structure that a more behavioral approach offered, while also the relief of finally focusing on the real problem.

Bruce Perry’s Arousal Continuum

The field of the Relational Neurosciences is helping us have a better understanding of the social and relational brain.  Here’s what we know- a brain, mind, body, and nervous system that is regulated, connected (to ourselves and others), and feeling safe ultimately behaves in ways that are in alignment and integrity with our true selves.

And our true selves are relational creatures who need connection to be our best selves.

Like- literally- for our brains to develop, we need connection with other humans.

When we feel safe, we lead with our social engagement system.

It is only when we DON’T feel safe (which is subjective) that we move into ‘defensive strategies.’  Behaviors that reject or protect ourselves from connection.

We move into Watch Dog (or Possum) brain.

Dr. Bruce Perry’s (author of The Boy who was Raised as a Dog and creator of the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics) research shows us that as our level of fear-based arousal increases, our defensive strategies escalate.

He divides this up into two categories- the Fight/Flight continuum and the Dissociative Continuum.  Because I work with kids, I call them our Watch Dog and Possum brains.

This aligns with Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory.  As we begin to detect threat in the environment, we move into sympathetic arousal and demonstrate fight/flight (watch dog) strategies.  Dr. Perry breaks this down into four levels- Alert, Alarm, Fear, and Terror.  As the perceived (well…neuroceived but I’ll say perceived for now because that’s a more common vocab word than neuroceived!) level of threat increases, our level of arousal increases.

Let’s focus just on the fight/flight (watch dog) continuum.

I’ll write a possum brain article in a couple days!

When we first begin to detect fear in the environment, we prioritize getting more information so that we can make the right decision.  Our eyes and head shift around.  Our vigilance increases.  We might get a bit more restless as energy moves into our limbs (to prepare us to really fight or flee).  We start to maybe get a tiny bit less cooperative- a little difficult to get along with, maybe sassy or rude.  If we were a watch dog, we’d lift our head up from where we were napping and start looking around.

As the level of perceive threat increases, we move into alarm.  At this point, we are pretty well into fight/flight and not having a ton of connection to our thinking brain.  In fact, we can no longer use ‘thinking brain strategies’ to calm down.  Our bodies speed up, we aren’t being reasonable, and we are getting full on oppositional.  OF COURSE WE ARE.  When we are afraid, we aren’t super cooperative!!!  Did you know the biggest threat to humans are OTHER HUMANS?!  So- we quickly move from a species that WANTS connection (when we feel safe) to REJECTING connection when we don’t.  If we were a watch dog, we’d be standing with a lot of energy in our legs so we could attack or run away when needed.

The next level of arousal is fear.  Now we are really reactive.  Defiant.  Verbally aggressive.  LOTS of energy in those arms and legs that might be getting tossed around- posturing or threatening movements.  This watch dog is barking and growling and generally being quite scary (but remember…it’s because this watch dog is SCARED).

And finally- terror.  Dangerous behavior comes to the surface- hitting, punching, kicking- because the only priority is staying alive.  This watch dog is attacking.  But again- this is due to FEAR and a desire to live.

Here’s the thing-

There is literally no other reason for a human to be oppositional, defiant, verbally or physically aggressive than fear. 

As the parent, your logical, thinking brain is may be thinking “Uh, there is absolutely NOTHING to be afraid of here.” But, it doesn’t matter if that’s what YOUR thinking brain thinks.  What matters is what your child’s reactive brain is experiencing.

And if the behaviors are aggressive or reactive, the brain is experiencing threat.

If you want to read about how all behaviors make sense in every unfolding moment based on how the brain is taking in information, you can read that article HERE.  Or, maybe you just trust me and don’t care that much about the science 😊  Either way is cool.

If we can use observable behaviors as clues to help identify our child’s level of arousal, we will actually be able to use strategies (not punishments or rewards) to help the child experience safety and then DECREASE their level of arousal.

Regulated, connected kids who feel safe behave well.  When we are in what Dr. Perry calls the ‘calm’ brain, prosocial behaviors that are age- appropriate emerge!  We can tolerate frustration, delay gratification, and understand the impact of our behaviors on others (again, all in developmentally appropriate ways.  A three-year-old’s ability to do this and a 15-year-old’s ability to do this are quite different!!)

There are some things you can look for that help you know if your child is in alert, alarm, fear, or terror brain!  I have put together a downloadable PDF worksheet that will help you see behaviors through the lens of arousal and regulation.  The PDF lists out different behaviors you might see in all four levels of arousal- alert, alarm, fear, and terror.

Here’s a hint about strategies- once your child leaves alert and is in alarm, fear, or terror, coping skills, threats, or attempting to be reasonable will not help at ALL!  We must decrease the arousal and offer felt-safety in order to use cognitive skills or do any form of teaching.

Keep on keepin’ on!  We are changing the world- one precious kid at a time.

Robyn