Being Not Doing- The fertile ground of therapy

Therapists and helpers are so committed to their craft and their clients.  Our hearts to help and heal are enormous, and we’d do anything to help a client experience their true self the same we that WE experience them- as precious, loveable, and exactly who they are supposed to be.

There is nothing wrong with you!!!!

We are so committed to this that we can become preoccupied with learning the next new technique or protocol.  These tools offer so much hope.  And we want to help our clients feel better as fast as possible!  Our job is to work ourselves OUT of a job…as quickly as we can!!!

But the thing is…therapy usually isn’t very fast. 

How could it be fast when the hurting has lasted for years?  Maybe a lifetime.  And the double whammy is that the faster we try to do therapy, the more we rely on a technique or a protocol at the expense of attunement and relational resonance, the slower therapy will go.  Like so many things, it’s the ultimate paradox.  The thing we think will speed it up is actually slowing us down.  If we decide to be OK with the slow pace, it will actually go faster ;)

May 2020 be the year we focus on the ‘being’ in therapy and not the ‘doing’ in therapy. I’ve been lulled into thinking I needed to learn the latest and hottest technique, too. It built my confidence and helped me stay regulated in session when the “what on earth do I do now” moments came up. But I have been watching with growing curiosity at the field of psychotherapy as more and more ‘techniques’ and ‘protocols’ come out. Sliding into a left-brained technique and following a strict protocol will break the resonance…and the resonance is needed for integration to occur.

I’ve benefited from techniques, to be sure. EMDR. SE. Theraplay. I’ve benefited as a therapist and a client and absolutely weave these modalities into my treatment approach!!  So I’m not saying at all that there is no place for techniques!!  But a technique or protocol is such a teeny tiny part of the therapeutic experience and can only be successfully implemented inside a relationship full of felt-safety and attunement.

It literally isn’t possible to strictly follow a protocol and stayed attuned.

Use the ‘bones’ of the protocol and stay fiercely attuned to and connected with your client. Focus on widening your own window of tolerance- especially for uncertainty and ambiguity- and be deeply committed to looking at your own implicit vulnerabilities- WE ALL HAVE THEM.

Find your people.  Don’t do therapy without colleagues who speak your language, share your theoretical orientation, and understand the intensity of the work we do.  Find a mentor.  Always be in consultation.  Don’t do this alone.  It is inside relationship where WE can grow our capacity to hold our client’s stories.

Practice being with.  A lot.  It’s good for you :)

Robyn

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The Neurobiology of Being Human

Connection-based parenting (or trauma-informed parenting or parenting based on the neurobiology of being human???) gets this bad rap for being boundary-less parenting. How will kids ever learn the rules or to be kind or to have empathy if we allow them to never follow the rules, be kind, or have empathy?

This question seems to come from two primary places: fear AND an inaccurate belief about the true nature of people (which actually, is also fear…).

In all the work I have done with parents, teachers, caregivers, therapists etc. it’s usually not too hard to begin the paradigm shift to understanding the neurobiology of being human. It gets hard when something doesn’t go right and fear sneaks back. Then we are back to wondering about consequences, accountability, etc. We say things like “They can’t get away with that!” or “How will they ever learn?” or “I completely agree with everything you are saying but there still has to be a consequence.”

Basically, we get controlling!

Just like every other human on earth who gets afraid. So human and normal.

I’ve come to see this as a normal developmental milestone in the switch to understanding the neurobiology of being human.  The first stage in this paradigm shift is willingness to move away from punishment and shaming, but it’s still with the intention to control behavior- there is just a desire to control behavior with compassion and connection instead of punishment and shame.  So when the first wrench gets thrown in and a child has a melt-down, we throw up our hands and insist that this new approach doesn’t work OR that it does in fact work but now it’s time for a consequence.

All this is a sign I’m with an adult who feels like their tool-box has been completely emptied and there is nothing to refill it.  Well then yes indeed, that WOULD be scary!!!  Tremendous fear then drives the adult into dysregulation and controlling, reactionary behavior.  In almost all circumstances, if I can co-regulate the adult, speak to their long-term fear, and maybe even provide an actual idea of how to navigate that specific challenging behavior (basically I provide structure & nurture, connecting to the right-brain, offering a technique to the left-brain, and then come back to connection with the right-brain), the adult will come back around to being willing to continue down this new path of understanding the neurobiology of being human..

: )

But I’ve also noticed another reason that adults panic over how children will learn kindness, empathy, and the ability to ‘do the right thing’- we have some left-over inaccurate beliefs about the nature of people. Many of us were raised to believe that left to their own devices (ie, without punishment or control) humans are only interested in themselves and will not behave appropriately.

This simply isn’t true!!

We know that humans absolutely have the capacity for both- to be both self and OTHER interested.

We know that this capacity for BOTH is nurtured in the co-regulated secure attachment relationship. That the ability to dampen impulse in order to prioritize relationship (with self, others, society, etc.) is a developmental milestone that WILL BE ACHIEVED if we continue to grow their little brains through attuned, connected, coregulation.

Empathy grows in this fertile ground!

The brain develops this amazing ability to map the other person, to know their experience, so actually generate a felt-sense of their experience in our own bodies while STILL connecting to our OWN felt-sense. BOTH!!!! But this amazing super-power is literally developed inside a coregulated relationship where the child experiences being seen, felt, and known.  And to be honest, we aren’t providing the experience of being seen, felt, and known when we use punishment, control, and assume the worst.  In those circumstances, we are only responding to the behavior we SEE (and to our own fear) and we are NOT responding to what’s really happening for this child and who they really are.

And OF COURSE we parent with boundaries!!! Of course we DO show kids how their words, actions, etc. impact us and others. Parenting with the lens of understanding the neurobiology of being human doesn’t mean we ignore bad behavior. Not in the least!! We still set boundaries, have expectations, and do our best to set our kids up for success. It’s just that we do it without punishment, shame, or consequences because we realize WE DO NOT NEED TO!!! It’s really actually quite freeing.

When we are cussed at or disrespected, we first decide if the child is regulated enough IN THIS MOMENT to insist on more respectful behavior.  IE “Whoa.  I am hearing that you need something.  I will work with you on that but we must have more respectful behavior/words/tone/body language.” If the child cooperates, we know something about their level of dysregulation (not that high).  If the child escalates or otherwise doesn’t cooperate, we know something ELSE about their level of dysregulation- that it IS that high.

So we shift our focus to connection and regulation.

Maybe this does look like ‘ignoring’ it at first, while tempers calm (including ours).

Maybe we take a quick break.  Maybe a breath.  Maybe a drink or a snack.  Maybe it’s “Hey..what’s going on here and how can I help?” or “We don’t talk to each other like that in this house but it seems like something isn’t right.  What do you need?” (Set the boundary AND stayed curious about what was driving the behavior).  And if you ignore it (it’s not really ignoring…it’s intentionally focusing on regulation and connection, knowing that cooperative and respectful behavior will naturally emerge once we establish regulation and connection…) then we make sure to revisit it again.

Most importantly, we do NOT do this out of fear.  We do this with confidence AND compassion, but not fear.  When we don’t hold a boundary out of FEAR, we aren’t providing the safety and coregulation that children need for their brains to grow.

Humans are DESIGNED to be their best selves. To thrive in relationship. To develop behaviors that keep them included in the group. Really!!!

Robyn

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Going Beyond Trauma-Informed

“How do I know if this is a trauma related behavior or a normal kid behavior?”

“Help me know how to respond to this behavior in my child with a trauma history because if my bio kid had ever pulled anything like this, I would react WAY different.”

“I completely agree with trauma-informed care…but what about when it doesn’t work?  Doesn’t the child need a consequence then?”

Without a doubt, I’m so grateful that children’s history of relationship trauma is creating a pause in how we react to behavior difficulties.  But I’ve long wondered why we need the excuse of a trauma history to be curious about what’s driving the behavior, assume that there is an unmet need, consider the child’s regulation, or examine their connection to important adults in their world.

These same underlying causes for difficult behavior in children with trauma histories underlie the difficult behavior in ALL of us.

Not just our kids with trauma histories.  Not just our kids without trauma histories.  All of us.  Me. You. Everyone.

Without going into a ton of neuroscience research in this moment, the emerging science of regulation theory, polyvagal theory, and attachment theory seem to make it pretty clear that we humans are pack animals.  We are absolutely born to be in connection.  Connection is actually our baseline (really…it’s called social baseline theory).  And part of being in connection means behaving in a way that encourages people to want to be with us.

Sure.  Humans are egocentric, self-driven.  Because in addition to being born to be in connection, we are also born to be kept ALIVE.  But when we are SAFE (which is subjective, by the way…), our brain is freed up to focus on connection.

Little ones need time to grow and develop a brain that is connected and integrated enough for emotion regulation and impulse control.  To maintain a sense of self and their own needs and desires while ALSO caring about the needs and the desires of the people they are with or connected to.  And this ability to develop emotional regulation and impulse control?  They are basically developmental milestones that are achieved INSIDE the co-regulated caregiving relationship.

What that means is…

…if we parent through a lens of regulation, the neural structures that contribute to impulse control, empathy, delayed gratification, etc. WILL DEVELOP.

So when children are struggling, ALL children not just children with trauma histories, we need to pause and ask ourselves “Is this child feeling safe?”  “Is this child regulated?” “Is this child feeling connected to me, believes I want to be connected to them, and is also connected to themselves?”

Children with a history of relationship trauma have a lower threshold for when they start to feel unsafe, dysregulated, and disconnected.  But this litmus test- safe, regulated, connect- it’s true of kids with trauma histories AND everyone else on earth.

It’s simply how. humans. work.

So all that to say….I think it’s time to officially move on from being trauma-informed to truly understanding the neurobiology of being human.

Trauma informed has been an important step in helping us begin to understand how behaviors are simply an externalization of inner experience. For some reason, we all needed the excuse of ‘trauma’ to start getting compassionate about behaviors and get curious about what’s happening inside. I wish we hadn’t needed that excuse, but we did (myself included).

And now it’s time to move on and just get human informed. Behavior is simply an externalization of inner experience. In all humans. All the time.

Regulated, connected kids (people) who feel safe (and know what to do) behave well.

The three-year-old tantrumming at the grocery store.  Not regulated.  Why aren’t they regulated?  No idea.  But regulated humans….even small ones…don’t have knock down drag out fits at the grocery store.  Tired? Hungry? Overwhelmed?

And how do dysregulated humans come back into regulation?

Another regulated human helps them.

Maybe they offer a drink or a snack.

Maybe they sit quietly and wait.

Maybe they pick up the kicking three-year-old, whisper things like “I’ve got you…you’re feelings are so big but I’ve got you…” while ignoring the eye rolls and glares from the other adults at the grocery store, take the tantrumming three-year-old out the car, and wait for the storm to pass.

Then they offer a drink or a snack.

And finish grocery shopping, if possible.

No human learns from humiliation or punishment.

I mean they do learn, but they aren’t learning what you are hoping. So if we aren’t using humiliation and punishment, then why else do we need to treat people with trauma histories differently than people without?

Look for the need. Structure? Boundaries? Nurture? Connection?  Food? Nap?

Look for the level of dysregulation in the system.

Decide how to respond.

Maybe…just wait it out.  Sometimes big feelings just need to get out.

This isn’t behaving bad.  This is behaving human.

This is true for EVERYONE.

And it’s true that people with trauma histories are more quickly dysregulated than people without significant trauma histories.

They need more connection and nurture before using structure and boundaries because they were likely LACKING in receiving connection and nurture previously in their lives.

But other than that?

Not much difference in responding to behaviors in people with trauma histories than in people without.

Compassion. Curiosity. Respond to the level of dysregulation.

And!!!  Learn how to set compassionate boundaries. It is possible!! We humans don’t have a lot of practice at this. I really believe that once we learn about compassionate boundaries, we will finally be ready to go beyond trauma informed to just recognizing our shared humanity- the neurobiology of being human.

Assume people are always looking for connection.

Assume people are always doing the best they can.

Understanding the neurobiology of being human will take us past the limits of trauma-informed care.  Understanding the neurobiology of being human is essential in TRULY being trauma-informed.  This is the next hurdle.  Otherwise, being trauma-informed is just the next technique or intervention to get people to act the way we want.

Robyn

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