The Most Common Question!
“I need to figure out…is this bad behavior just normal kid acting up behavior? Or is this behavior because of their trauma?!”
“Ah,” I say. “You’d like to distinguish between if this behavior is about this child’s trauma or not!”
“Yes.”
“Yeah! I’m curious- what feels helpful about being able to distinguish?”
“Well…if it’s normal kid acting up, I’ll set a boundary and maybe a consequence.”
Keep reading of listen on the podcast!
“Oh! I get it! You’ll respond differently based on if the behavior is about trauma or just normal kid acting out- that’s why you want to know! You want to know how to respond!”
“Well, yes!”
“AHH! OK! Gosh, it seems like a lot of work to try to figure out if you child’s behavior is related to their trauma or not…is this something you think about a lot?”
“YES! I know if it’s a trauma behavior I have to respond different! If it’s about trauma then I want to meet their need and help them.”
“Oh gosh, of course that’s what you want to do. I can see clearly how much you adore your kid, want to respond in a way that helps and doesn’t hurt.”
“YES!”
An Easier Way
“I wonder if you might be open to considering an easier way to help distinguish how to respond to your child’s behaviors? And take yourself off the hook for trying to figure out all the time ‘is this due to trauma or not?’”
“Definitely if it’s easier, for sure. But I don’t understand…I thought we really needed to know if it was a trauma behavior or not?! How do I set a boundary if I don’t know?!?!”
“Yeah, that makes total sense that it feels really important to know…but actually…it really doesn’t! What is MORE important to know is how regulated or dysregulated is your child. How connected is he to his owl brain? Is her watch dog brain taking over? Or her possum brain?”
“Uh…my kid does not have a zoo in their brain!”
“HA! Of course not!! It’s just a playful way of looking at how dysregulated the brain is. When we’re playful, it’s easier to learn, easier to stay regulated, easier to help our kid! There are four different stages of dysregulation in the watch dog and possum brain…and if we figure out what level of dysregulation your child is, we’ll know how to respond!”
Just Acting Bad
“What does dysregulation have to do with this bad behavior? He doesn’t SEEM dysregulated! Just acting bad.”
“Well…if regulated, connected kids who feel safe, and know what to do of course, behave well, the dysregulation has everything to do with behavior! When our owl thinking brain is in charge, we behave in ways that invite connection. So, even if a behavior doesn’t LOOK dysregulated, if it’s NOT inviting connection, then we need to get curious about what’s going on INSIDE.”
“But…what about my child’s trauma history?”
“YES! We will definitely be keeping that in mind because kids with trauma history often have realllllly overactive watch dog or possum brains!!!”
“Possums are freaky…”
“Yes I know…once I woke up to one on my brand new laser jet printer and I screamed. It was terrifying!”
“Uh…a possum? On your printer? Like…inside?”
“YES! I’ll tell you that story later. But really my point is, we can learn to take cues from our kids about how active their watch dog brain or their possum brain is…and when we know which stage they are in (calm, alert, alarm, fear, or terror) then we know what to do. And we ONLY teach when the owl brain is available and the watch dog and possum are calm. Also- even though we are talking about owls, and watch dogs and possums…this really is based completely on brain science.”
No Boundaries? Just Excuses?
“So…I just let me child do whatever they want because they are dysregulated and the watch dog is taking over?”
“Oh my, that sounds awful! Nope, definitely not. It’s our job to provide the structures, boundaries, scaffolding, and coregulation that your child needs to help them realllllly grow their owl brains. Just like if she was a toddler.”
“Except she’s 10.”
“I know. That’s super frustrating and exhausting for sure.”
“And you are saying that trying to determine level of dysregulation is easier than trying to determine if it’s a behavior about trauma or not?”
“Well it’s easier because it’s POSSIBLE. We could never truly distinguish between a trauma behavior and a not trauma behavior. That’s just not how the brain works.”
“Ok…I really want to hear about what happened with that possum on your printer, so I guess tell me more about this ‘zoo in the head’ way of knowing how to respond to behaviors.”
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Man….writing this was way more fun than I expected. What a cool job I have :)
Trying to figure out if it’s a trauma behavior or not is exhausting…and ultimately impossible.
We can look at the stage of dysregulation- and ultimately ask ourselves “Is this child’s behavior inviting me into connection with them?” NO? Well…then we have to get beneath the behavior and figure out if they are regulated, connected to me (and themselves), and if they feel safe. Then we help THAT. The behavior is just the tip of the ice burg.
Head to my podcast on how we need to Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (regardless of it’s a trauma-driven behavior or regular kid behavior!)
Robyn
Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.
Just let me know where to send the links!
