Finding Playfulness


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When was the last time you allowed yourself to be immersed in pleasure? Play? Delight?  Fun for the sake of fun?

Even if just for a moment or two??

It could erupt spontaneously in the kitchen.  While you are driving.  Showering.  Making the bed.

Pleasure, playfulness, and delight aren’t about DOING something.

Pleasure, playfulness, and delight are about BEING something.

Something open. Expansive. Vulnerable.

Something without agenda or expectation.

Something where it’s OK that there is no specific outcome you are striving for.

Playfulness is our safe, connected, regulated social engagement system getting a little (or even a lot!) of energy from our sympathetic nervous system.  Energy. Arousal. Activation.

Playfulness is dipping into that energy, arousal, and activation while feeling safe.

I’m hearing from parents and therapists and well….humans….that playfulness has been lost.

And that makes sense.

Playfulness is open. Expansive. Vulnerable.

And it happens when we feel safe and connected- to ourselves and/or others.

In fact, Jaak Panksepp- the famous tickling rat researcher- said that our play circuity becomes available only when our seeking system has found the connection we are always searching for.  Connection with ourselves or with others.

And Stephen Porges- the theorist behind the Polyvagal Theory- says that we must be experiencing felt-safety in order to move into the playful part of our nervous system.

Well.

Feeling safe and experiencing connection are feeling especially hard right now.

And if you are parenting, caring for, or living with someone with a history of trauma (or if you have a history of trauma), playfulness feels like a stranger.

Playfulness is a way back to ourselves.

And moments of playfulness add up.

Moments of playfulness are like doing a brain bicep curl.  It strengths the nervous system and builds resilience.  You probably need to do more than one bicep curl.  And you probably need to do just…one….more even when your arms are tired in order to realllllly build that muscle.

But it’s about doing one.

Then the next one.

And the next one.

Each one matters.  Each one counts.

Each moment of playfulness matters.

Each moment counts.

Find a silly video on the internet.  There are PLENTY.

Laugh.

Watch a silly show or movie (we’ve been watching The Good Place…Season 1 in particular is just plain silly).

Sing and dance while you are drying dishes.  Or driving.

Have a sword fight with the 20 pound tubes of ground beef in the grocery store.

(Oh wait…that might be only something my family would do….)

Prioritize finding a moment of playfulness every day.

Then a couple times a day.

Be deliberate about it.

Eventually you’ll build that muscle and you might not always have to always be so intentional.

Though in times of stress, playfulness feels elusive.  This makes sense because we aren’t feeling safe!!! So when we are stressed, we might have to be deliberate and intentional about finding playfulness.

Ask yourself- is it OK to feel safe when I am safe?

Then…am I safe right now….in these next five moments while I’m in my kitchen getting breakfast for my kids.  Or driving to the grocery store.  Or while I’m brushing my teeth.

If it’s OK to feel safe when you are safe, and you’re safe for even just a few moments….see what it feels like to inject playfulness.

Shake your booty to the same tempo you are brushing your teeth back and forth…up and down.

Delight in yourself.

Bicep curl for the brain.

Robyn

If you haven’t checked out the free, three-part video series (and e-book, also free!!!) on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors, what are you waiting for?!?!  CLICK HERE!

And…..if you would like to dive really deep into this approach to parenting a child, especially one who has experienced trauma, you will love my course, Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain.  Check it out by CLICKING HERE!   There’s a whole section on playfulness!

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Boundaries with Connection {EP 2}


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Brain-based parenting with connection and coregulation doesn’t mean boundary-less parenting. In fact, if you are parenting a child who is a little delayed with regard to developing self-regulation, this type of parenting actually means MORE boundaries.

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

But boundaries aren’t consequences or punishments.

Boundaries are the supports your child needs to be successful.

It’s a little like toddler proofing. Toddlers aren’t untrustworthy, misbehaving, or sneaky because they explored the stairs and then fell down. Toddlers are just doing their toddler thing with their toddler brain. It’s our job as the adults to provide the boundaries and co-regulation they need to support their developmental task (exploration) without getting hurt!

So we provide lots of supervision and baby-gates. And we support their safe exploration of the stairs- holding their hands as they go up and down, or sitting one step below them while they play.

If we remember a few important tenets of brain-based parenting:

  • Connection is a biological imperative
  • Behavior is an externalization of inner experience
  • Regulated, Connected, Kids who Feel Safe Behave Well

Then we can feel confident that when our kids are struggling (lying, stealing, manipulation, opposition, etc.) that they need more support.

What does it really mean to follow the rules?

Following the rules and behaving in socially acceptable ways requires quite a bit of internalized co-regulation/self-regulation.

Think about it.

Do babies and toddlers follow the rules and behave in socially acceptable ways?

Have you ever taken one out to dinner??? 

They aren’t naughty or bad. They don’t have the brain structures in place to not cry loudly, wait patiently for their dinner, or know that the family behind you isn’t there to entertain them.

As they grow, their brain grows. And if they are experiencing co-regulation by a regulated, attuned caregiver, their regulatory circuits grow too.

They can wait without screaming, even when they are really hungry.

They can comply with your redirection to leave the nice family behind you alone because they are trying to enjoy a nice dinner.

It’s not that their thinking brain grew enough for them to know this is the way to behave in a restaurant.

The knowing is HELPFUL, but we all know that simply KNOWING the correct behavior and DOING the correct behavior don’t always coincide.

So why do children increase in their ability to behave in the ways we expect?

Well….at the same time that their thinking braining is developing and gaining all sorts of new knowledge, their regulatory circuits are developing and growing nice and strong.

Their brain develops in a lovely harmony and then they demonstrate the behavior we expect! Not perfect by any means, but typical kid behavior.

And this happens to a whopping…oh….1% of children?

Honestly I have no idea the actual statistic.

But I do know the families that I work with aren’t parenting children who are behaving in developmentally expected ways.

Delayed Developmet of Self-Regulation

The families I work with tell me they can’t trust their children to play with the neighbors without bopping them on the head or throwing a truck at them.

At the age of 10.

The families I work with tell me that they can’t trust their children to walk down the street to play with their friend without their child defacing another neighbor’s bike or walking straight into an even DIFFERENT neighbor’s house.

At age 12.

The families I work with tell me that they can’t trust their child to go to the bathroom by themselves without dumping out all the shampoo, squeezing the toothpaste down the drain, and clogging up the toilet with allllllllllll the toilet paper.

At age 7.

We can look at these behaviors through the lens of connection, regulation, and felt-safety, but….

What do we actually DO about these behaviors?

Parents feel manipulated and held-hostage. They say things to me like “as soon as I’m not there, my child does whatever they want.” “My child only behaves correctly when I’m watching.”

Yes!!! Yes this is true!!!

But it’s not about trust!!!

It’s about regulation!!

As children’s brains are still building and wiring and developing, they rely on their caregiver’s brains to ‘lend them’ regulation.

Regulation helps with impulse control. Slowing down. Thinking through consequences. THINKING before doing. Making prosocial choices with behavior. Valuing other people. Knowing how my behavior impacts other people. Understanding the LONG term impact of my behavior instead of this instantaneous impact of my behavior.

Decrease the Distance

Boundaries with Co-Regulation almost always means our child needs more of us. More instruction. More support. More supervision. They need us to be literally, physically closer. More often.

It means your 10-year-old can’t be dropped off at a birthday party. It means your 12-year-old can’t ride bikes arounds the block. It means your 16-year-old can’t get their driver’s license or go to the movies unsupervised with their friends.

Because they need you CLOSER. Not because they can’t be trusted. Because they literally need the coregulation.

Coregulation isn’t always active. Coregulation is often just about being present.

Over time, children internalize the co-regulation.

Internalized coregulation is ONLY developed through coregulation.

Not through teaching.

Not through parent-imposed consequences.

Not through punishment.

Providing more co-regulation may me that you:

Decrease the distance

Increase attunement

Provide appropriate scaffolding (scaffolding means we slowly decrease the supports in place, allowing children to flex the muscles of their new skills.  Think of it like training wheels on a bike!)

And then you grieve your child’s intense need for co-regulation.

Your 10-year-old needs you to stay at the birthday kid’s house for the birthday party, hanging out in the kitchen, or maybe even just sitting in the car. Your 12-year-old needs you to ride behind them while they ride bikes around the block. Or they can only go two houses down, or they must stay in the caul-de-sac. Even when all their friends get to go further.

Your 16-year-old can have their friends over to watch a movie but can’t be dropped OFF at the movies. Or you and your teen agree that you can stealthily buy a ticket to the same movie, sit in the back, and pinky-promise that your teen’s friends WILL NOT SEE YOU. But you gotta be there.

Your 6 and 8-year-olds can’t play unsupervised in their bedrooms. They need to play in the living room, with you nearby.

Again, this isn’t about TRUST. It’s about having the necessary co-regulation available.

Parenting is supposed to get less active as our children get older, so actively parenting your teenager as though they are a toddler is exhausting.

And they are missing out on some pretty cool aspects of being a teenager.

There is grief there.

These boundaries might feel like a punishment to your child.

I get it. That’s hard. Allow them to be angry and to protest and to plead.

It’s so hard to be different.

Co-regulation is intended to build internalized self-regulation!

Don’t forget! This is just a part of the process. The entire point is to provide your child the experiences their brain needs so that they can develop their own regulatory circuits!!! (Though sometimes kids do have significant brain-based differences that require us to reconsider our long-term goals).

Children who have delayed development of their regulatory circuits- whether that’s due to abuse, neglect, toxic stress, or other factors that have less to due with their caregiving experiences- need MORE boundaries, not less.

So often when we think about boundaries we think about consequences and punishments. Boundaries are much more effective when proactively provided- like a baby gate! Boundaries recognize the development of our children’s brains and provide them the support and supervision that they need to be their best selves. Boundaries help our kids have the kinds of experiences they need for their brain to develop MORE regulatory circuits!!!

Regulation isn’t the only reason children struggle with behaviors- it could be a lack of connection (to you or to themselves) or a lack of felt-safety (or they truly don’t know the right thing to do, though that’s usually the least likely reason).

But if the reason for the difficult behavior is lack of regulation, we’ve got to INCREASE the coregulation.

Decrease the distance

Increase attunement

Implement scaffolding (remember- scaffolding is like training wheels)

Keep on keepin’ on.  Building brains is hard work.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the link!

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Opposition, Defiance, & Control


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A Brain-Based Deep-Dive

It kinda sounds like “Lion, Tigers, and Bears, OH MY!” right?

I suppose in a way, opposition, defiance, and control isn’t terribly different than lions, tigers, and bears 😊.  Parenting a child who feels stuck in oppositional, defiant, and controlling behavior can certainly be exhausting.  It’s walking on eggshells, just longing to relax in your home.

One of the most difficult aspects of being with someone who is oppositional, defiant, or controlling is that it invites US to become those things, too.

Think about it- what’s your instinct in how to respond to someone being controlling? 

We tend to dig in our heels, too.  Get controlling, too.  It starts to become a tug-of-war, battle of the wills, right?

This is completely normal because our nervous systems are contagious!  Unless we pause and make a choice to soothe ourselves, our bodies are going to respond to oppositional, defiant, and controlling behavior by becoming exactly those things ourselves.

Remember in the felt-safety blog that I talked about how our nervous system is looking ‘inside, outside, and in-between’ to determine if we feel safe or not?

That applies to us too!!!

If we are with someone whose nervous system is in a fear-based defensive state, we experience that as not safe.

And now our nervous system shifts into a fear-based defensive state.

Makes sense!  But unfortunately, ultimately not helpful- for us or our kids.

And remember how we learned to track arousal instead of only behaviors? (Using behaviors as cues for levels of arousal).

Well…oppositional, defiant, and controlling behavior are CUES for arousal!

If connection is a biological imperative (it is!!!! You can read about that HERE) then we automatically know that a child (person!) demonstrating oppositional, defiant, or controlling behavior has flipped into their fear-based brain.

They are not experiencing felt-safety.

We can use fancy science words like “neuroceiving” (coined by Dr. Stephen Porges) to talk about this spidey-sense that helps our brain determine if we are safe or not safe.

We only get oppositional, defiant, or controlling when we ARE NOT FEELING SAFE.

When we are not NEUROCEIVING SAFETY.

And because in every unfolding moment we are all responding to the reality that is created by our minds based on what’s actually happening in the here and now AND based on everything that has happened in the past, we MUST trust that our child is responding to their own reality of safe or not-safe.  (This is weird, right?  You can read an article about the way our minds create our reality based on the NOW and the PAST by CLICKING HERE).

But when you child is acting oppositional, defiant, controlling, or even aggressive, and you remember that they only demonstrate these behaviors when their own reality tells them that they are not safe, you might be thinking “BUT this is not my reality!  EVERYTHING IS SAFE!!!”  You might be left scratching your head, or even feeling angry, because THERE IS NOTHING UNSAFE HAPPENING HERE!!!

Yes.  That’s true.  That’s your experience of reality.

And it’s also true, all at the same time, that if your child is being oppositional, defiant, or controlling, that they aren’t experiencing felt-safety.

They are neuroceiving danger.

There is literally no other reason to be oppositional.  Defiant.  Controlling.

Read that again.

There is literally no other reason to be oppositional.  Defiant.  Controlling.

Humans are designed to be in connection.  In cooperative relationships.  It’s literally how we survive.

Unless we feel unsafe.  And then we survive by not complying.

So…what on earth do we DO about this?!

The number one strategy for parenting or working with a child with behaviors that could be labeled oppositional, defiant, or controlling is CURIOSITY.

A breath.  A pause.

Then I say to myself:

This child is experiencing cues of danger- inside, outside, or in between (or some combination of two or all three).

This isn’t personal.

This is survival.

It’s weird that this is about survival because it sure doesn’t seem like there is anything dangerous, let alone life threatening, happening right now.

But I will trust in the truth that connection is a biological imperative and feeling unsafe is the only explanation for oppositional, defiant, or controlling behavior.   

Now….my own nervous system has settled.

This is important because one, it’s exhausting to be chronically in fight/flight, even mildly.  And parenting a child with a history of trauma leaves us in our own chronic state of fight/flight because nervous systems are contagious!!!  So it’s super important that I look for opportunities to rest my nervous system and not respond to my child’s fight/flight behaviors with my own.

This is important because two, I cannot offer cues of safety to my child if I’m in a place of fight/flight.  And if I can’t offer cues of safety to my child, they will remain stuck in feeling unsafe, and the oppositional, defiant, or controlling behavior remains- or escalates.

Opposition, defiance, verbal aggression, and physical aggression are the stages of arousal on the fight/flight continuum- otherwise known as the watch dog brain 😊 (No idea what I’m talking about?? You definitely will want to go check out my article on Tracking Arousal instead of Behavior).

The overall big picture?

Offer cues of safety.

Soothe their nervous system.

Provide connection and regulation.

Hang in there.  We can do hard things (I know this, because we are doing them constantly.  Like it or not. It’s clearly not going away).

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Felt-Safety? What’s That?? {EP 17}

,


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And….how do we create it??

When was the last time you said something like “My head knows that’s true, but my heart doesn’t.”

I said it just yesterday.

Or maybe your inner voice sounds like “I know that’s true, but it doesn’t feel true.”

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Felt-safety is a subjective experience of safety

Subjective meaning that BEING safe doesn’t necessarily FEEL safe.

Without using the logical thinking brain, the lower not-conscious parts of the brain are asking “Am I safe?” every quarter of a second!!!  That’s four times EVERY SECOND. 

“Safe???”

“Not safe????”

This super fast safety detector is looking three different places.

  1. Our inner experience (heart rate, being hungry, even genetics, biology, inflammation, neuroimmune etc.)
  2. The environment
  3. The person I’m with and our relationship.

Three places, four times every second.

It’s actually pretty impossible to wrap our brains around!

How is the brain determining if something is safe or not?

Our brains are designed to be as efficient as possible so we take all our previous experiences, everything we’ve learned in the past (both consciously and unconsciously) and blend that together with the thing that is actually happening in the here and now.

So, your little one who was once picked up from school by a stranger, put in a car, and brought to a new family, never to see their old family again?

Imagine the new school counselor coming to meet your child in class.

New adult.  In professional clothes.  At school.

DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER.

The school counselor isn’t actually dangerous (well, hopefully!!!) BUT the brain took the now experience (new adult, in professional clothes, at school) and blended it together with a previous experience that was very similar.

If the previous experience was scary, dangerous, traumatic, or just extremely memorable (even if it was good!!!) our brain will give a little more weight to the past experience when deciding how to respond to the now experience.

The brain is also pretty preoccupied with keeping us alive.  

If something scary or dangerous happened in the past, the brain realllllly wants us to learn from that experience.  This means that we are much more likely to have a similar “danger danger!!!!!!!!” response- even if the situation isn’t dangerous.

The school counselor scenario is a decent example of how the brain is looking into the environment for felt-safety.

What about looking into the internal experience?

If a child has a history of intense hunger in the past, then maybe even very mild symptoms of hunger pull up a full-blown fight/flight response.

If a child has a history of having a fast beating heart only when something was dangerous (as opposed to when playing or having fun), then a fast beating heart at recess when nothing is truly dangerous may trigger a full-blown fight/flight response.

Our child’s inner experience isn’t just remnants from the past!  All of us have a protective response when we start to feel hunger or thirst or the urge to go to the bathroom.  This response is a way of motivating us to meet our needs.  It signals “something’s not right!” so we do something about it.

Many children (and adults!) also have other brain-based, biology-based, or genetic-based differences that could contribute to a lack of felt-safety.  An illness- even something as small as a cold or a fever!

How about felt-safety from the person I’m with?

This one is tricky.  One of the places our brain is looking to decide if we are safe or not is if the person I’m with is feeling safe or not.

If the person I’m with is in their own fight/flight or fear-based state- regardless of how well they are trying to hide it– I am going to experience that as ‘not safe.’

If a child is with an adult who is experiencing fear themselves- even if that fear is based on the child’s behavior- then that child cannot experience that adult as safe.  And then the child’s nervous system can’t shift into safety and out of fight/flight or collapse.

It’s pretty hard to control if your child receives cues of safety from their inner experience- but it is important to make sure they are fed, watered, and their sensory needs are met.  We can provide medical treatment and prompt diet changes.  Sometimes (and for some families, many/most of the time) there isn’t much we can do to change our child’s internal experience of felt-safety.  But shifting our lens to understanding that the behavior we are seeing makes perfect sense based on our child’s experience helps us stay out of judgement, remain open and compassionate, and allows us to keep sending relational cues of safety.  This isn’t enough- meaning it won’t necessarily change your child’s internal experience- but it’s still important.

It’s not always easy to control if your child receives cues of safety from the environment- but we can provide as much structure, predictability, and routine as possible (and also be aware of what types of experiences feel unsafe to our children and make accommodations).

It’s DEFINITELY not always easy to control how safe or not safe WE are feeling!!!!

We just keep trying. 

As cliché as it is, parents and caregivers really do need to prioritize their own regulation, widening their own window of tolerance, and finding their own experiences of felt-safety.  Self-compassion, playfulness, noticing things that are good and pleasant, and finding places of connection are all great ways to help our bodies notice and experience felt-safety.

Noticing your own internal cues that let you know you are not feeling safe is also important!  Is your voice getting higher?  Are you holding tension in your shoulders?  Is your heart pounding?

Believe it or not, oftentimes just noticing these cues helps us shift how safe we are feeling.  And we can learn a few other tips and tricks- like taking a breath with a long exhale, placing a hand over our heart, or developing a self-compassion mantra.

Felt-safety- a subjective experience based on cues we receive (below conscious awareness) from our inner experience, the environment, and the person/relationship I’m with.

How the Brain Creates Reality

If you are interested in learning a little bit more about how the brain creates it’s own experience of reality- based only partially on what’s actually happening in the here and now– you can read these blog posts:

No Behavior is Maladaptive

Trauma, Memory, and Behavior

And also watch the free three-part video series on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors (and get the free e-book!).

I know that understanding these concepts doesn’t fix all the behaviors- but believe it or not- understanding these concepts is a parenting strategy.  I explain that more in the Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors video series!!!

Keep on keepin’ on….together, we are changing the world….for children, and for everyone.

Robyn

Download the Free Infographic

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Focus on Arousal- Not Behaviors (Part 2) {EP 4}


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Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Or….getting to know your child’s possum brain (and maybe yours, too).

Have you ever looked up from your morning cup of coffee to find a real, live possum sitting on top of your brand new laser-jet printer??????

Or…is that just me?

Yup.  That happened to me.

It was freaky.

And now my friends sometimes bomb my Facebook wall with photos of possums, news stories about possums, and little factoids about possums (North America’s only marsupial!!!  They eat ticks!).

The possum on my printer acted REALLLLLY mad.  It hissed and spewed and screamed this non-scream (seriously, it was so weird).

And then it played possum.  Totally zonkered out.  Which allowed us (ahem, my husband) to safely get the possum into the backyard.  When I checked five minutes later-it had scampered off.

The possum used their fight response (the possum’s watch dog brain!!) to spew and hiss and look really, really mean until that just didn’t work anymore.  So the possum collapsed.

The possum used their possum brain.

The super mean freaky spitting scary possum was really just terrified.

So terrified, it seemed to believe that playing possum was it’s only chance.

And it worked.  The possum was then gently and safely placed in our backyard.  Alive and well.

The total collapse from the possum let me know it was in absolute terror brain.  But just like the watch dog brain goes from alert to alarm to fear to terror, so does the possum.

Remember Dr. Perry’s Arousal Continuum from Part 1?

Today, let’s focus on the possum brain (dissociation continuum).

When humans dip into their possum brain, they are dipping into a brain that believes “I’m probably about to die.”  The possum is actually MORE terrified than the watch dog.  Usually our possum kids have had significant experiences of feeling as though their life was in terrifying danger (this could also be experiences of neglect because neglect is a life threatening experience).

I like to make this clear because possum behaviors SEEM smaller than watch dog behaviors.  The possum shuts down and gets smaller and smaller and smaller.  Less and less and less energy and arousal.  The watch dog gets bigger and bigger and bigger- the watch dog gets our attention.

Possums sometimes slide under the radar- especially if you have a possum AND a watch dog in your family.

Possum behaviors feel less scary but can feel MORE frustrating.

It’s hard to understand being ignored.  The spacey eyes.  The forgetfulness.  Parents of possums need to be regularly reminding themselves that possums are terrified.  They need lots and lots and lots of connection and felt-safety.

The alert possum is just starting to shut down.  This possum might look bored or a little ‘flat’ in the eyes and face.

The alarmed possum can become OVERcompliant (weird that this is a problem right?  But overcompliance is actually pretty dangerous outside the safety of your family).  The alarmed possum can sometimes feel robotic- they tend to say ‘Yes!’ a lot and just do what they are told- without even thinking (again, I know that sometimes this doesn’t seem like a problem but it is.  It’s a pretty unsafe behavior AND shows us that the brain is realllllly afraid).

The fear possum is starting to show body signs of collapse.  Arm and legs lose their energy.  They are slouched over.  They are forgetful, can’t complete tasks that you are confident they know how to do.  They might be using dissociative behaviors- totally immersion in a book or video game or television.

And the terror possum is in complete collapse.  This could be as severe as fainting or falling asleep.

Here’s the most important part!!!

The MOST IMPORTANT TIP when parenting a child in their possum brain is to offer up lots and lots of felt-safety.  I know that it is so frustrating to parent a child in their possum brain but it’s important to stay regulated and connected.  Imagine trying to hurry up a collapsed possum, or fussing at them to “JUST THINK.”  Or my favorite (speaking from experience here, dear ones) tell a possum that “If you would just DO IT instead of procrastinating and fussing, it would be DONE BY NOW!!”

Patience.  Connection.  Boundaries.

A drink and a snack (for real).

Maybe a little bit of movement.

Patience. Connection. Boundaries.  Appropriate expectations.

Parenting a kid in the possum brain is waaaay less about strategies and waaaaaay more about parenting with coregulation and looking for opportunities to create felt-safety.

I know.  It’s really frustrating.

I have a two-page infographic that will help you know what you are looking for with these different levels of arousal in both the watch dog and the possum brain.  When you can recognize behaviors as a cue or a clue that your child is in a certain level of watch dog or possum brain, you’ll increase your compassion, patience, and ability to be helpful.

If you snagged the infographic from Part 1 of this 2-part series on watch dog and possum brains, it’s the same one- you don’t need to sign up again because you already have it!

But if you didn’t get it yet…

Thanks for coming along on this watch dog and possum journey 😊  It’s been fun!!!  I hope to see you back here soon!

Robyn

PS Oh yeah!!! If you haven’t read part 1, you can read it by CLICKING HERE.

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Focus on Arousal…Not Behaviors (Part 1) {EP 4}


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Or….getting to know your child’s watch-dog brain (and maybe yours, too).

The key to true, long-lasting behavior change is actually to stop focusing on behaviors.  Stop trying to change them.  Stop the charts.  Stop the behavior modification.  Stop the rewards. Stop the punishments.

Read that again.  How does that feel?  Like a relief?  Like terror??

Both?

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Staying focused on behaviors, rewards, consequences, charts, stickers….it’s all just so exhausting.  It’s exhausting because it doesn’t really work and because it’s pulling us out of integrity with what’s true.  I think all of us have a place inside of us- maybe realllllly buried under a culture of behaviorism- that knows we are really missing the mark when we focus on behaviors.

But, if we stop focusing on behaviors- what do we do instead???  Behavioral techniques offer a bit of safety to the enforcer.  They are such clear guidelines, and we like that!!

If we shift our focus on tracking the energy and arousal that underlies the behaviors, we still get to have the safety and structure that a more behavioral approach offered, while also the relief of finally focusing on the real problem.

Bruce Perry’s Arousal Continuum

The field of the Relational Neurosciences is helping us have a better understanding of the social and relational brain.  Here’s what we know- a brain, mind, body, and nervous system that is regulated, connected (to ourselves and others), and feeling safe ultimately behaves in ways that are in alignment and integrity with our true selves.

And our true selves are relational creatures who need connection to be our best selves.

Like- literally- for our brains to develop, we need connection with other humans.

When we feel safe, we lead with our social engagement system.

It is only when we DON’T feel safe (which is subjective) that we move into ‘defensive strategies.’  Behaviors that reject or protect ourselves from connection.

We move into Watch Dog (or Possum) brain.

Dr. Bruce Perry’s (author of The Boy who was Raised as a Dog and creator of the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics) research shows us that as our level of fear-based arousal increases, our defensive strategies escalate.

He divides this up into two categories- the Fight/Flight continuum and the Dissociative Continuum.  Because I work with kids, I call them our Watch Dog and Possum brains.

This aligns with Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory.  As we begin to detect threat in the environment, we move into sympathetic arousal and demonstrate fight/flight (watch dog) strategies.  Dr. Perry breaks this down into four levels- Alert, Alarm, Fear, and Terror.  As the perceived (well…neuroceived but I’ll say perceived for now because that’s a more common vocab word than neuroceived!) level of threat increases, our level of arousal increases.

Let’s focus just on the fight/flight (watch dog) continuum.

I’ll write a possum brain article in a couple days!

When we first begin to detect fear in the environment, we prioritize getting more information so that we can make the right decision.  Our eyes and head shift around.  Our vigilance increases.  We might get a bit more restless as energy moves into our limbs (to prepare us to really fight or flee).  We start to maybe get a tiny bit less cooperative- a little difficult to get along with, maybe sassy or rude.  If we were a watch dog, we’d lift our head up from where we were napping and start looking around.

As the level of perceive threat increases, we move into alarm.  At this point, we are pretty well into fight/flight and not having a ton of connection to our thinking brain.  In fact, we can no longer use ‘thinking brain strategies’ to calm down.  Our bodies speed up, we aren’t being reasonable, and we are getting full on oppositional.  OF COURSE WE ARE.  When we are afraid, we aren’t super cooperative!!!  Did you know the biggest threat to humans are OTHER HUMANS?!  So- we quickly move from a species that WANTS connection (when we feel safe) to REJECTING connection when we don’t.  If we were a watch dog, we’d be standing with a lot of energy in our legs so we could attack or run away when needed.

The next level of arousal is fear.  Now we are really reactive.  Defiant.  Verbally aggressive.  LOTS of energy in those arms and legs that might be getting tossed around- posturing or threatening movements.  This watch dog is barking and growling and generally being quite scary (but remember…it’s because this watch dog is SCARED).

And finally- terror.  Dangerous behavior comes to the surface- hitting, punching, kicking- because the only priority is staying alive.  This watch dog is attacking.  But again- this is due to FEAR and a desire to live.

Here’s the thing-

There is literally no other reason for a human to be oppositional, defiant, verbally or physically aggressive than fear. 

As the parent, your logical, thinking brain is may be thinking “Uh, there is absolutely NOTHING to be afraid of here.” But, it doesn’t matter if that’s what YOUR thinking brain thinks.  What matters is what your child’s reactive brain is experiencing.

And if the behaviors are aggressive or reactive, the brain is experiencing threat.

If you want to read about how all behaviors make sense in every unfolding moment based on how the brain is taking in information, you can read that article HERE.  Or, maybe you just trust me and don’t care that much about the science 😊  Either way is cool.

If we can use observable behaviors as clues to help identify our child’s level of arousal, we will actually be able to use strategies (not punishments or rewards) to help the child experience safety and then DECREASE their level of arousal.

Regulated, connected kids who feel safe behave well.  When we are in what Dr. Perry calls the ‘calm’ brain, prosocial behaviors that are age- appropriate emerge!  We can tolerate frustration, delay gratification, and understand the impact of our behaviors on others (again, all in developmentally appropriate ways.  A three-year-old’s ability to do this and a 15-year-old’s ability to do this are quite different!!)

There are some things you can look for that help you know if your child is in alert, alarm, fear, or terror brain!  I have put together a downloadable PDF worksheet that will help you see behaviors through the lens of arousal and regulation.  The PDF lists out different behaviors you might see in all four levels of arousal- alert, alarm, fear, and terror.

Here’s a hint about strategies- once your child leaves alert and is in alarm, fear, or terror, coping skills, threats, or attempting to be reasonable will not help at ALL!  We must decrease the arousal and offer felt-safety in order to use cognitive skills or do any form of teaching.

Keep on keepin’ on!  We are changing the world- one precious kid at a time.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? Download my F R E E eBook and video masterclass on  What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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We are always searching…and yearning…for connection {EP 28}


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“Connection is a Biological Imperative.”  Stephen Porges, MD

Connection is actually our default.  Meaning- we assume connection.  It’s a given.

When connection is missing, we get a bit stressed.

It’s like getting a bit stressed when we’re hungry.  The stress puts our body into motion so we find food.

This is protective.  It’s not bad. It get’s us moving so we can get our needs met.

The stress of missing connection is the same.

We search for it.

We behave in ways that get people’s attention.

Maybe we get whiney.  Our voice gets a little louder and a little higher pitched.

Our movements might get a teeny bit more agitated.

We get a little persistent.  HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Think about the last time you took a phone call.  Or buried your face in a Facebook post.  (Hey- no judgment here- my face is buried in social media a lot…I’m working on it).

Was someone in your family needing your attention almost immediately???

Of course.  Because all the sudden you weren’t available for connection.  And humans sniff that out a mile away!

The idea that connection is a biological imperative- meaning it’s an innate part of who we are as humans, and we can’t lose it- is important to hold on to if you spend a lot of time with someone who seems to reject connection at every pass.  Someone who behaves in a way that makes it seem as though the LAST thing they want is connection.

Do you know someone like that?  Parent someone like that?

That is exhausting work.

Exhausting.  Demoralizing.  Hopeless.

Except…it truly isn’t hopeless.  But it does, indeed, FEEL hopeless.

If connection is a biological imperative, believing in connection isn’t hopeless.

It FEELS hopeless.

Really and truly, I get that.  I get that feeling of hopeless in my bones.

But hopelessness is just a symptom.

Hopeless is what existed to set a person up to become someone who rejects, sabotages, or refuses connection.

Read that part again.

Hopeless is what existed to set a person up to become someone who rejects, sabotages, or refuses connection.

Your child who rejects connection to the point you feel hopeless?

This is a child who yearned for connection with such intensity, and didn’t find the connection that was needed with such frequency, that THEY became hopeless.

Hopeless is a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE way to feel.

Being powerful enough to reject connection, to set people up to reject you, to be constantly looking for PROOF that connection doesn’t exist- that’s powerful.

Or at least it’s a more powerful feeling than hopeless.

Hopeless is a nothing.

Rejection is a something.

Something feels better than nothing.

Imagine having been so hurt by connection that you orchestrate your entire life around rejecting connection.

Some of you reading might not have to imagine hard.

Either because you live with that person….or sometimes you are that person.

Can you hold hopelessness with the belief that connection is a biological imperative?

It’s there somewhere?

It’s hidden.

But it’s there.

It’s devastatingly sad to think that someone has had such terrifying experiences with connection that they have to work that hard to avoid connection.

If connection wasn’t a biological imperative, they wouldn’t have to work so hard to avoid it.

But it is.  It’s there.  I promise you.

The rejection is a reflection of the pain.  Of the need for protection.

The greater the intensity of the rejection, the greater the intensity of the pain.

Holding onto the belief that connection is a biological imperative might allow you to keep offering connection, despite the constant rejection.

Holding onto the belief that connection is a biological imperative might allow you to not take the rejection personally.  To feel deep sadness, compassion, and empathy that this person was hurt so badly by connection that they are now working this hard to avoid that level of hurt from ever happening ever again.

What changes for you if we reframe a child’s rejection of you, of connection, as a symptom that shows us how deeply they’ve been hurt by connection in the past?  Of a symptom of how exhaustingly hard they have to work to ward of connection- because it’s a biological imperative?

My hope is that it provides you with a moment of ease.  A moment of ‘this isn’t my fault- and it isn’t theirs either.’  And maybe even a moment of gratitude for their protective parts who are working so hard to prevent that level of pain from ever happening again.  A moment of gratitude that comes wrapped in grief for the tragedy of what they are missing- of the pain that they are causing themselves in attempt to prevent pain.

My heart aches for you- the person who loves someone who rejects connection.

My heart aches for everyone who rejects connection.

To reject the life preserver when you are drowning because you believe the life preserver will kill you.

If you can, keep offering it.

And I’ll keep offering it to you.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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