Gaslighting & Adoption


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“Maybe I’m the one who’s confused….???”

That’s my clue.  When I hear those words bouncing around in my mind, I can be CONFIDENT that the answer is NO.  I’m not confused.   I am being gaslighted.

In the last four-ish years, most of us have become more familiar with the concept of gaslighting.  It’s a word that first entered into our vocabulary after a 1944 movie (based on an earlier play) called….you guessed it….Gaslight.

Basically, a woman was driven insane by her husband’s continued insistence that her reality was wrong and his was right. She saw flickering gaslights.  He said she didn’t; she was imagining it.  The gaslights WERE flickering.  In fact, he was making them flicker.  She started to believe she was losing her grip on reality; that she couldn’t trust her own thoughts or experiences or instincts.

It’s abuse. 

Think….Emperor’s New Clothes.

It’s a story that is not based on what is actually happening.

The Emperor has beautiful new clothes!

Except…the Emperor is NAKED.

In my office, I talk with parents about how important it is for the ‘insides and the outsides to match.’  Our brains KNOW when someone is being inauthentic.  When their insides and outsides don’t match.  When they are creating a version of reality that works better for them but isn’t true (like pretending not to be mad at all when really you’re furious).  This inauthenticity erodes felt-safety.  We have to give voice to the story under the story.  

The adoption industry sells the version of reality that works for them.

Adoption is the same as biological parenting…

Adoptive families are no different than biological families…

Adopted kids are so lucky…

These are stories that are not based in reality.  Stories that were made up to keep a powerful industry in power. Stories made up to soothe the folks who benefit from annihilation of families.

When I use words like annihilation, I get a catch in my throat and have a moment of panic that I’m being overly dramatic.

Then I take a breath and realize that this actually proves me point.

It’s the gaslighting in adoption that gives me a moment of pause that I’m being dramatic when I use the word annihilation.  It’s the gaslighting that makes me want to pause what I’m writing to reassure you that I’m not anti-adoption.  Because being the victim of gaslighting for decades and decades leaves you feeling that if you give words to what hasn’t been said, you risk everyone deciding there is something wrong with YOU.

I just can’t help myself.  I gotta tell you.  I’m not anti-adoption.  I would like to think this goes without saying but since we are talking about gaslighting, it’s important to say what isn’t being said.

I’m not anti-adoption.

I won’t say a ton about this because that’s a whole other topic- but I’ve worked with and in the child welfare system long enough to know that some kids really do need new, safe families.

I’ve also worked in and with the child welfare system long enough to know that lots of kids really need their biological families to receive the same amount of support we give foster and adoptive families.  Then they might be able to stay with their biological families.

I’m also, quite obviously I think, not anti-adoptive parents.   

Here’s the thing.  The very denial of reality is woven into the fabric of adoption.  It’s intergenerational.  We practically can’t even help it.

Except we can.  Me and you!!!  Together we can start saying the unsayable.  Saying what’s true and real and underneath.  Even when it’s hard.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “You grew in my heart.”

No, they didn’t.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “You were chosen.”

Well, not usually.  Usually two files came to the top of the stack at the same time.  The child’s and the adoptive parent’s.  Or the child’s mother chose the adoptive family.  That’s the opposite of being chosen.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “We are your forever family.”

Well…does that mean my first family somehow isn’t my family anymore?  Because if they ARE still my family, then how does that make them NOT my forever family?  Can family become unfamily?  ]Let’s just say that they can.  If a biological family can become an unfamily, then what on earth is to say that an adoptive family can’t become an unfamily?

Nothing.  In fact…lots of adoptive families become unfamilies.

Adoption gaslighting denies that adoptive families have different needs than biological families.  They have different needs because they are different!!  Adopted kids have different needs because they have lost something completely unfathomable- their family!!

To be clear…there is nothing wrong with adopted people…kids or adults.  Having a unique special need…like starting your life with family annihilation….doesn’t mean there is some inherent flaw that can’t be fixed.

There is nothing wrong with anyone- adopted people included.

But we all have unique special needs.  And having a mom that’s not my mom is a unique special need of an adopted person.

Let’s just name it!

We could just talk about it!  From the very first day.

I’m your mom.  I’m not your mom.  You have two moms.  That’s hard.  And kinda cool because moms are cool and you get two.  But also hard because needing a second mom means something devastating happened. 

You grew in your mom just like all babies do!  We wanted to be parents soooooo soooooooooo much.  When you needed parents to take care of you, we were SO EXCITED that it got to be us!  But we also know that our excitement at getting to be your parents means that you had to go through something really tragic.  It’s hard to hold both of those truths at once, it isn’t.

Here’s the real kicker.

We get mad when our children gaslight us.

Did you hear Anne Heffron tell the story about insisting to her dad that she got the oil changed (she didn’t).  And that she would not, under any circumstances, admit she was lying, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE.

If you missed it, you really should check it out over on my free resources page.  You can get to the video by CLICKING HERE.

That is a lovely example of gaslighting.

It’s easy to gaslight someone else when your life is based on gaslighting.

When you have learned to survive by agreeing with the reality created by others, you learn that survival means creating your own reality and sticking to it.  Period.

What’s SUPER cool is that we have so much power to stop the cycle of gaslighting in adoption.

It’s actually not really even that hard.

We gotta get realllllly good at saying what’s not being said.

I would have coached Anne’s dad to say “I know you didn’t change the oil.  I also know it feels impossible to you to acknowledge that right now.  I love you.  Let’s talk about this later.”

Just the truth.

Say what isn’t being said.

I’m not your mom.  I am your mom.

I hoped and prayed and waited to become your mom.  I did this even knowing that another mom would have to lose you in order for me to be a mom.  That is such a hard thing to acknowledge. 

You wish you’d never been adopted and at the same time you can’t imagine your life without us in a different family.  It’s possible and human and normal to have two completely contradictory feelings at the same time.  I want to hear about all your feelings. 

Keep being awesome.  Together, we are doing hard things.

Robyn

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The Story Under the Story


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Adoption rewrites a story.

This often becomes a story so full of confusion that no one knows what to say or do. There’s a story that’s hiding…and it seems like it might be scary- I mean, why else would it be hiding?

But it isn’t scary.

It’s not scary because its true. 

It’s just you (or your child)! You (and your child!) aren’t scary.

We can find the story.  Gently. Lovingly.

And then burst it wide open in all it’s complete wonderfulness.

There’s a story in adoption…

a child was born to one family, but then becomes a part of another.  It’s the story we talk about.  The story that’s easy to see.  We get so focused on the story we see that we stop noticing the story under the story.

It’s the story under the story that’s true.  It’s the story that connects us to ourselves.  To each other.  To our infinite worth.  We might not even know that there is a story under the story.  But there is!!!  And when we find this story, we find ourselves.  And then we find each other.  And if we’re parents- we can find our children and they can find us.  Things might not get easier…but they certainly become more filled with ease.

The story under the story is there whether we acknowledge it or not. We might as well throw it a party and welcome it.  In all it’s glittery glory.

Getting your story our clears out the muck.

You’ll move from not knowing how to see yourself on paper (or anywhere else)

….to seeing how wonderful and interesting and important you are.

You’ll see yourself as powerful

You’ll begin to use language in a way that shows both you and the world who you are.

You know how when you get new sneakers and you just want to go for a run?

You feel so bouncy and held.

Truth is beauty.

So- how do we get to the truth with language?

For some people this is terrifying. 

But it never shows anything bad because it can’t.

The truth of you is inherently wonderful.

***************

Are you curious to discover the story under your story?  To give the story breath?  To throw it into the world like fists full of glitter?

Or….maybe that doesn’t thrill you that much (I get it…I’ve been there, too…) but you are feeling a little nudge because a part of you knows that getting to know your own story will help you connect to the story under your child’s story.  To welcome them fully and completely.  To allow them the space to be seen- ALL parts of them.

Anne Heffron and I have come together to create something that we think will be stunning.  Anne has a gorgeous writing practice (I’ve done it!!!) that supports in the discovery of yourself, of your voice.  As we were talking about what we wanted to create for you, she said “WAIT!  What if we do my writing workshop???”

We stretched it out like silly putty and molded it slightly to be just the right experience specifically for everyone touched by adoption.

This six week program will begin on Thursday December 10, 2020.  We’ll take some time off over the holiday season and reconnect again in January!

If you’re feeling a rumbling somewhere in your body that you are ready to breathe life into the story under your story…and your child’s….go check out the six-week workshop and see what you think!  CLICK HERE to The Story Under the Story with Robyn Gobbel & Anne Heffron.

Robyn

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Saying the Unsayable {EP 5}


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The lie under the lie was that he wasn’t my dad. Anne Heffron

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

When I hired Anne Heffron to be my writing coach, I didn’t know we basically had the same job.

Anne’s always asking…what’s the word under the word.  What’s the feeling under the feeling.  She simply won’t leave me alone with her insatiable drive to peer under the surface with a flashlight. No…a floodlight. And a scalpel.  Or…one of those melon ballers?  It’s a small and cute but pokey???

Anne and I had a conversation in front of the whole wide world where she talked about ways she really needed her adoptive parents to show up for her.  It was fun and delightful and honest and inspiring (because Anne is all those things).

……(psst….you can watch that conversation by clicking here)

We talked about a time she dug in her heels and wouldn’t let go of a lie….an obvious lie.  But she just wouldn’t let go.  Wouldn’t say “Ugh dad you’re right.  I didn’t.  I said I would.  I’m telling you I did.  But yeah…I didn’t.”

I’m not sure I’ve met an adoptive parent who wouldn’t nod along in understanding….having been the parent who is certain their child is lying but their child just will not call uncle.

Why, Anne, I said.  WHY?  Why not just fess up.

Because the lie under the lie, she said, is that he wasn’t my dad.

The lie under the lie.

The story under the story.

Writers and therapists.  We are doing the same thing.  We are getting underneath.  We are giving words to the unspeakable.  We are finding ways to say straight-up “That emperor doesn’t have any clothes on!!!!”

The story under the story is there.  Whether you talk about it or not, the Emperor is naked.  We think we are powerful enough to change reality if we ignore it, pretend it’s not there, and write a completely new story.

Oh boy, do we try.

We do it for ourselves.  We do it for our children.

In adoption, a child’s story is rewritten as a lie the moment the adoption is finalized and they get a new birth certificate that says their adoptive parents gave birth to them.

What if the story under the story is indeed very hard and sad (You aren’t my dad) but we can hold it together with the other story (but you are my dad).  What if the story under the story is completely true (my mother didn’t want me enough to try to figure out how to keep me) but so is the story under THAT story (there’s nothing wrong with me).

What if….the only thing we really need to do….is to find the story under the story.

It’s already there.  Let’s just talk about it.

When your child will not fess up that they ate the blue cupcake while blue icing falls off their chin, the story under the story is “I know this isn’t the truth.  I know it feels impossible to tell the truth right now.  I love you.”

When I asked Anne what would have happened if her dad had said that to her, she said “That makes me want to sob…because I would have felt seen.”

…..really….you can go watch this whole conversation unfold real-time.  We did not script anything about this conversation.  Anne didn’t know what I was going to say.  You can feel the relief in her body- even over the World Wide Web.  Watch the whole thing by clicking here.

What if giving words to the story under the story changed everything about your relationship with your child?  When we hold our own story (I’m not this child’s mother) together with another equally true story (I am this child’s mother).  What if this gives us the guts to hold our children’s story under THEIR story????  And what if this gives our kids the guts to SHOW us their story.

They really are longing for this.  They want to bring their whole story.  They want you to be brave.  To hold all of them.  To be their mirror and see all their parts.  All their stories.

I’m not your dad.  I am your dad.  You’re not my child.  You are my child.  I love and welcome all of these stories.  Because I love and welcome all of you.

Robyn

The brave conversation Anne and I had about what she really needed from her adoptive parents is posted on my free resources page.  Check everything out by clicking here.

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Honesty in Adoption. Even when it’s hard.


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I sat down to write a blog post about stories.

Specifically about helping kids understand and get connected to THEIR story.

Even the crummy parts.  Devastating parts.  Traumatic and tragic parts.

The blog was…let’s just say….no good.

I couldn’t even think straight.

My mind story is jumbly.

So I deleted the whole thing and started again.

This is what I want to tell you…

I’m in therapist discussion groups where people are still discussing if kids should know they are adopted.

Before I transitioned to a new website and dropped off some of my oldest blog articles, one very popular search that brought people to my blog was “When do I tell me child they are adopted” and “Should I tell my child they are adopted.”

Stories have been my favorite way to connect.  It’s interesting because I’m not inherently gifted at crafting a coherent story.  But stories and words and narrative…ALWAYS my favorite.  I used to skip recess to stay indoors to write stories.  In 3rd grade.

I know that sometimes it is very hard to help our kids grapple with the details of their story.  How much to tell?  Do we tell? What if they don’t really remember?  Why remind them?  Why bring up hard stuff?  Let’s focus on the good!

Tragedy always precedes a child’s need to have a new family.  Always.

Some of the tragedy involves things that feel realllllly uncomfortable to talk about.  With kids.  Abuse.  Rape.  Abandonment.

Some of the tragedy seems to feel a little less uncomfortable, but in a way, the less uncomfortable topics are almost more uncomfortable.  Poverty doesn’t seem quite as uncomfortable as abuse, but then…how do we explain that it led to the loss of their parents?

And then there’s the million dollar question of….do we really need to tell kids these things?

Yes.

The answer is yes.

Unequivocably yes.

There is no room for negotiation here.

And I have the science to prove it.

Then the next question is….HOW do we do this?

This question is a little more complicated but not even close to impossible to answer.

We tell children their story with honesty, transparency, and authenticity.

Lot’s of attunement.

And after we as the adults have worked out our own issues related to their story (though this isn’t a pass to delay telling the story- it’s an invitation to work out those issues as fast as possible).

If we don’t work out of our issues first, our children’s story becomes about us.

Our children need their story.

I know it’s hard to know how to give it to them.

I can help you 😊 Because it’s actually really not that complicated.  I know it FEELS extremely complicated.  I get it.

But it’s not.

Promise.

Robyn

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Adoption Grief


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Ahh.  National Adoption Month.  Here you are again.

Here’s what the Child’s Bureau (US Department of Health and Human Services) says about National Adoption Month:

November is National Adoption month, a month set aside to raise awareness about the urgent need for adoptive families for children and youth in foster care.

Here’s the impact I witness of National Adoption Month on adopted people:

Grief.  Confusion.  Anger.  Fawning.***

Somewhere along the line, National Adoption Month shifted from bringing awareness to the need for adoptive families for children in foster care to celebrating adoption, adoptive families, and particularly, adoptive parents.

This is hurting adopted people.

I’ve made it my life’s commitment to listen to adopted people.  And I can’t believe the things I’ve learned about life, and myself, from listening to adopted people.  I mean…things waaaaaay beyond adoption.  It’s pretty cool, actually.

Listening to adopted people really hit home for me a fundamental truth of being human.  And of doing good therapy.

We can, we MUST, experience multiple feelings as once.

Sometimes contradictory feelings.  Feelings that seem mutual exclusive on the surface.

Like….grief and gratitude.  Grief and goodness.  Grief and contentedness.

I’m not talking about spiritual bypassing by turning bad things into good ones. Looking on the bright side.  Finding the silver lining.

I’m not talking about turning grief and trauma INTO goodness.

I’m talking about holding BOTH.

At the exact same time.

There is no adoption without tragic loss.

It’s hard to imagine a loss more significant that what precedes adoption.

At the absolute LEAST, it’s complete loss, obliteration, annihilation of a family.

Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the safety needs of the child, the annihilation of a family is a tragedy.

Not to mention, for many, adoption means complete loss of identify, culture, language, privilege, racial mirrors…I could make a reallllllly long list but suffice it to say, it’s a realllllllllly long list.  I’m not minimizing the losses or being trite, I’m just acknowledging the limits and reality of a blog post.  

Regardless of what blooms, it starts with tragedy.

As we move through National Adoption Month, let’s make a deliberate practice of always bringing ourselves back to this truth.

It is only in coming into full contact with this truth that we can offer adoptees the life-giving (and maybe life-saving) experience of having all parts of them welcomed.  Honored. Cherished.  Adored.

Recognizing the tragedy that precedes adoption does not take away from the truth that sometimes adoption really is the best, most necessary option (though let’s be honest…it’s not the best, most necessary option as much as it we think it is).

Recognizing the tragedy that precedes adoption does not take away from the truth that sometimes adoption creates something amazing.  A family.

A family that only exists because another one was annihilated.

Can you hold both?

Can both be true?

We must do our work to allow both to be true because adoptee lives are counting on us.

Do you know that the risk of suicide attempt is FOUR TIMES GREATER for adoptees than non-adopted people?***

FOUR TIMES!!!!!!

This is a complex and nuanced topic- but I feel absolutely positive (with no scientific proof to back it up) that the simple step of doing the work so we can hold tragedy, loss, and goodness all together would decrease this risk.

When we ignore the tragedy of adoption, we ignore a part of the core of the adopted person.

When we annihilated a part of the self, it makes sense that that self would be at increased risk of attempting annihilation.

We can do hard things.

We can honor the true tragedy and the grief implicit in adoption.

Let’s try.  Together!  I’m here with you.

I see the grief.  I see the goodness.

You can too.

Robyn

***Fawning = people pleasing.  Setting aside our own needs and feelings in order to please someone else or avoid stress in the relationship***

***Source: Keyes, M et. Al. (2013).  Risk of suicide attempt in adopted and non adopted offspring.  Pediatrics.  132(4). 639-646.***

New here?!?!?!  YAY!  I’m super excited you found me because my goal in life is to spread the neurobiology of being relationally human to everyone.  In the whole world.  And now, I’m one person closer to that 7 billion.

You’ll definitely want to get my free three-part video series that introduces you to this brain-based, paradigm shifting approach to understanding human behaviors: Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety.  You can watch it for FREE by clicking here!!!

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