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The brain has essentially two settings- connection or protection.
Yes or no.
Safe or not safe.
Connection or protection.
It’s either on or off- like a light switch. There’s no in-between.
But it does have a dimmer. Like the light switch in my kitchen! So sometime it’s on (protection), but just a little.
Four times EVERY SECOND the brain is scanning both our internal and our external word.
That’s once every ¼ of a second.
This is obviously happening far outside our awareness. We can’t really comprehend or notice a quarter of a second.
Safe???
Not safe???
Safe???
Not safe???
Since our brain’s primary job is to keep us alive, it doesn’t like to take a lot of chances with that safe or not safe question. So if the answer is “Ummm….maybe….not sure???” it’s going to go with “not safe.”
When our brain decides ‘not safe,’ it sends a message VERY QUICKLY to the brainstem, which then launches the cascade of hormones and neurochemicals for protection- fight/flight/freeze/collapse. It sends this message so quickly that even if the thinking, rational part of the brain knows it got ‘not safe’ wrong, it cannot intercept the message fast enough. (Psst…this is why coping skills stored in the thinking part of the brain often get tossed out the proverbial window).
A parable of not safe but really actually safe
One morning, several years ago, I got up earrrrrrrllllllly to work-out (seriously, it starts at 4:45am) which means it was still very dark. I stepped into the hallway and jumped a mile in the air when I saw what appeared to be a 4 to 5 foot snake.
Now, I lived in Texas. In the country. A 4-5 foot snake has never appeared in my house before, but this is not outside the realm of possibility. One summer, my husband and friend had to deal with a copperhead snake that was resting next to the pool in our friend’s back yard. At a pool party. With children. So. Big dangerous snakes were not impossible there.
My brain went “NOT SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!” It made me pay extra close attention to the snake-like object and gave me enough energy to get out of dodge if that ended up being necessary.
Luckily, my brain is also happy to receive new information that says “Oh wait. Oops. Actually yup, that’s safe. Carry on here.” So almost immediately I was able to process the information that this deadly venomous snake was actually just the tie to my bath robe.
But my thinking brain couldn’t get the “It’s your bathrobe tie” message delivered faster than my brainstem got the “DANGER DANGER!!!!!!” message. The message from my thinking brain- OH! This is the tie to my bath robe!!! – came AFTER I had already launched into fight/flight/.
I still have no idea why it was in the middle of the hallway, but my best guess is that my 1-year-old labradoodle was the culprit.
Because I don’t have a brain that is constantly bathing in stress hormones (like the children with a history of complex trauma who come to my office), my brain was open to the new information and I quickly settled back down. If my brain was already alive with stress hormones, I wouldn’t have settled down so quickly. I might have run back to bed to wake up my husband. I’d like to think I might have dealt with a deadly venomous snake on my own with some really great quick thinking, but the truth is I would have got my husband up. (Later we’ll see how ‘danger danger’ signals send us going TOWARD our connection figures).
You see, my brain is quite desperate to keep me alive. It’s really it’s top priority. I like that about my brain. So it would rather give me a fright and believe there is danger when there isn’t any than accidentally ignore or miss something very dangerous and then be killed by a copperhead in my own hallway.
It was so early in the morning!! My family wouldn’t have found me for hours!
Safe or not safe. Off or on. Connection or protection.
The next thing to know about our brilliant brains is that under the right (well actually they are very very wrong) conditions, our stress response system becomes highly sensitized. If I’m in a state of almost constant danger (and neglect is constant danger), my brain gets ultra-sensitive to stress. Remember I said our ‘on’ switches are like dimmer switches? The sensitized brain sort of loses it’s dimming feature. It goes from OFF to ON FULL BLAST. The teeniest tiniest bit of stress activates all the alarm bells and we go right to “I’m going to die.”
This sensitization doesn’t have to be the result of trauma or abuse directed toward me. It could be that I live in a verrry stressful environment and all the grown-ups are constantly stressed, violent, or using drugs. Or the grown-ups could be gone. I could be all alone and this leaves me in a state of constant terror, too.
I’m imagining this is starting to sound extremely familiar to you. Like you might know someone in your home who seems to have a broken dimmer switch.
The other possibility is that the ‘not-safe’ part of the brain is so used to being “on” that it decides it’s best to just make “on” the default mode. To live always in ‘danger danger’ mode. I mean- think about it. Why rest into ‘off’ mode if you are constantly being launched into ‘on’ mode? It’s a lot of work to go from ‘off’ to ‘on’- even from a caloric perspective. So it makes good sense to just stay on. Sometimes dimly on (think about the way we leave our kitchen lights at night). Sometimes most of the way on.
If you’re chronically in ‘danger danger’ mode, it sure is easy to misread something as dangerous when it’s actually not. A neutral look on the face. A raised voice (that isn’t yelling). An arm movement that looks like it could be a smack across the face. A sigh of exasperation from your mom when she forgets about the chicken nuggets in the toaster oven and they burn to obliteration. (Hypothetically speaking).
And suddenly we’re in Armageddon because your child’s brain thought you sighed at them, and you’re exasperation equals rejection and abandonment.
Two settings. Yes or no. Safe or not safe. CONNECTION OR PROTECTION.
Chances are, you know a lot of what I already wrote. But here’s the kicker. The piece I reallllly wanted to share with you today.
When the danger center of the brain is resting- the switch is off- because it has decided that everything is safe, we are open and available for connection. For relationship.
Not only are we open for it, we are constantly seeking it.
Connection is a BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVE. When we are experiencing felt-safety, we want to move toward it like a heat seeking missile. Without connection, we will die. In fact, lack of connection turns the the protection side of the brain on!!! When we are seeking connection and can’t find it, we switch into “not safe” mode. This helps us know how important it is that we find connection ASAP.
The opposite of connection mode is protection mode. When I’m in protection mode, I’m doing two things- protecting myself from danger and LOOKING FOR CONNECTION. I’m going to go away from the danger and toward connection.
If I’m in connection mode, my nervous system- and subsequently my behaviors- is inviting connection and relationship. Remember. It’s a biological imperative. We actually need connection. Like food. So by DEFAULT, if my brain is experiencing safety and I’m in connection mode, I’m behaving in a way that is inviting connection.
So the opposite is true, too. If I’m behaving in a way that is not inviting connection, behavior that is actually encouraging people to get away or leave me, then I am clearly in protection mode. My fear-centers are ON and believes there is danger.
Let’s repeat that.
If I’m behaving in a way that is NOT INVITING CONNECTION, my fear-centers of the brain is ON. I am in protection mode.
If I have a history of secure attachment, my intuitive response is to protect myself and find connection (often they are the same thing, especially if I’m a toddler). Once I am soothed and safe, my fear-centers turn off and I’m open and available for connection again. Which means, behaviors that invite connection emerge.
If I have a history of attachment trauma, things get a little complicated. When my fear-based brain is turned on, I still have the biological drive to find connection, but I have a messy relationship with connection.
Connection is what was actually dangerous.
This is an exhausting and confusing internal battle, and it’s a battle that is relentless inside our precious children who experienced trauma inside relationship. But this doesn’t change that connection is a biological imperative.
There is a part of your child that is seeking connection, I promise. You might not be able to see that part. It might be covered up by layers and layers and pounds of debris and protectors that will not allow that connection-seeking part to ever ever ever be hurt again. But I promise you it is there.
Connection is a biological imperative.
Your child isn’t manipulative or controlling or considering you to be the nurturing enemy.
Your child IS seeking connection. Is desperate for it. But is also terrified.
Stay firmly planted in the truth that connection is a biological imperative. When I am experiencing felt-safety, I am open and available for connection. When I am not experiencing felt-safety, our nervous system closes down and we are not available for connection. REMEMBER. Behaviors that drive AWAY connection and relationship are the result of a closed nervous system and brain that is not feeling safe.
When your child (or spouse or colleague or check-out lady at the grocery store) is not behaving in a way that invites connection, know that their fear-centers are on.
When your child is experiencing felt-safety, connection is possible. It’s imperative.
Robyn
Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.
Just let me know where to send the links!
