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You might be feeling a bit whiplashed. There are a lot of great trauma-informed, brain-based, connection-based parenting ideas out there- and you’re trying them.
But they just aren’t working.
The verbal aggression isn’t decreasing. Your child is chronically angry. Or extremely anxious. Or won’t get out of bed.
It’s pretty hard to offer up connection to a child who is practically spitting anger at you (or maybe even literally spitting).
Living with someone who is chronically dysregulated leaves US chronically dysregulated, so the first step is just to notice that.
Notice how on edge you are. Notice how tired you are. Notice how afraid or angry you are.
Send yourself a little compassion (or a lot…I mean, just as much as you possible can).
Take a breath.
And realize your child seems pretty stuck in a high alert or fear or even terror state of arousal. (If you aren’t familiar with Dr. Perry’s levels of arousal, check out THIS blog).
When our kids are that aroused, that dysregulated, that stuck in a place of fear (and I promise this is a place of fear even if it just looks mean or angry or shut-down), the priority is to offer regulation, calm the arousal, and invite the thinking brain back. That’s it. No other goal. Regulation and felt-safety.
If you noticed your own dysregulation and sent yourself compassion, you’re already finished with step #1- though without a doubt, you’ll be continually revisiting this step.
We can’t invite our kids into regulation if we aren’t regulated.
It’s not fair. It sucks, frankly. But it’s true.
Next- offer a drink or a snack or something that gets their body moving or in a different state.
Oh MAN this is HARD because this feels like a reward.
But we aren’t thinking about rewarding bad behavior right now because all we are thinking about is supporting regulation.
Offer a drink.
Could be any drink but for many people, extreme temperatures (a smoothie or hot drink) are regulating, and drinking something realllllly thick through a straw is often regulating.
Offer a snack.
Could be any snack (being offered something to eat when you’re not behaving well is often a surprise, and that in and of itself could bring regulation!!) but crunchy snacks, chewy snacks, and sucky snacks (not bad snacks but snacks you suck on- like a jawbreaker or a sucker) can be especially regulating.
Bold flavors, like spicy or sour or super sweet, can also be regulating!
You’ll have to do some experimenting here, to see what really works for you child.
Entice them into some body movement.
A thumb war or arm wrestling or a some quick hoops in the driveway or a living room dance party or crashing onto the bed or couch. A small fidget. Play-doh. Cooking or baking (now we’re getting in movement and a snack…)
If your kid seems to be in chronic alarm or fear based levels of arousal, be extremely consistent with food, drink, and movement. Prioritize these things over almost anything else.
Create structure, routine, and predictability.
As much as absolutely possible.
Stick close.
Chronically dysregulated kids need as much support from someone else’s regulated brain as possible. Your child might feel your sticking close as a punishment. But as long as you aren’t initiating it as a punishment and you are genuinely doing it as a way of offering co-regulation and support, do it anyway.
Feed them. Water them. Move them.
Structure, routine, predictability.
Stick close
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