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Big things, like their birthday party, major holiday celebration at Grandma’s, or a vacation to Disney World.

Little things, like Trunk or Treat at church, an afternoon at Jumpoline, or even recess.

Why is it that your child can actually be having fun and seem to be having a great time, and then fall into a crater of dysregulation-seemingly in the blink of an eye? 

You feel whiplashed.  Maybe resentful.  Certainly grieved that for some reason, your sweet family and your precious child are missing out on some of the most anticipated, and seemingly normal, moments of their childhood.  Of being a family.

Why do some of those best times turn so bad?

To get to the heart of this, let’s first review the concept of neuroception (you can also check out No  Behavior is Maladaptive to read a little more about neuroception!).

Neuroception is the phenomenon underneath felt safety.  The lower, unconscious, and faster-than-cognitive-thoughts parts of our brain are scanning for danger an estimated FOUR TIMES every second.  Every ¼ of a second (at least), the brain is asking “Safe?? Not safe?!?!?!”  Based on the answer to this question- four times every second!!!- our brain and nervous system shift into either connection mode or protection mode. 

Connection or Protection?

Our desperate-to-survive-above-all-else brains have a negativity bias- meaning that if it is going to make a mistake, it is going to err on the side of deciding something was NOT SAFE even if it actually was SAFE.  Our brilliant brains also supercharge threatening experiences in our memory systems so that when we successfully fight off a sabre tooth tiger, the next time we see even a glimmer of a sabre tooth in our peripheral vision, we immediately access the memory networks that will help us claim victory once again. 

The brain isn’t really that concerned with if the sabre tooth in your periphery is actually just a harmless kitty cat from your favorite next-door neighbor.  Since the brain’s job is to keep you ALIVE, it is fine with you overreacting to the neighbor’s kitty cat as opposed to underreacting to the life-threatening sabre tooth tiger that roams your suburban neighborhood. 

Danger Danger!!!

Remember Pavlov from that psychology class in high school? Pavlov was able to get dogs to salivate to a sound of a bell by repeatedly pairing that sound with their dinner.  The dogs started to connect the sound of a bell to “DINNER!!!!” …even though there really isn’t any relationship between the two (outside that lab experiment). 

Some of your kids have paired “DANGER” with things that aren’t actually dangerous (the telephone ringing)- because, at one point in time, that thing WAS dangerous (maybe the phone rang and at that same moment, they witnessed horrible domestic violence). 

Or maybe everything was dangerous. 

So this might help you begin to figure out why certain fun experiences actually turn your kid into a dysregulated mess.  Think about those environments and be curious- is anything in that environment something that was previously paired with danger for my child?  Sounds? Smells?

I’m kinda a geek about memory science and because I love it so much and want to share it with anyone who will listen, I made a three-part video series on the impact of Trauma on Memory and Behaviors.  Go check it out, if you haven’t already.  It’s FREE.

The Power of Internal and External Cues

But there is one more reallllllly important thing to think about.

The brain and neuroception are interested in both EXTERNAL cues (discussed above) and INTERNAL cues.

Heart rate. 

Respiration. 

Cortisol levels. 

Sympathetic activation. 

All those things change when your child is having a great time. 

Recess?!?!  Definite increase in heart rate, respiration, and sympathetic activation. 

Birthday party?!?!?  Increase. 

Well….all of those things also increase during a fight/flight/freeze DANGER DANGER response. 

Fight or Flight Response

As your child’s heart rate elevates- as sympathetic arousal elevates due to excitement, or in order to power your child’s body through the energy-required gross motor activities of the birthday party- your child’s brain is still scanning for danger. 

This time- the danger might actually be coming from INSIDE your child’s body.

Just like Pavlov can pair a bell with salivation, your child’s body can pair increased heart rate with “I’m about to die.” 

The switch is flipped and all those fun times turn IMMEDIATELY into dysregulation.

Dysregulation is fueled by the fact that your child is already in sympathetic activation- so the dysregulation might be BIG.

All of the sudden, everyone is out to hurt your child. 

An innocent bump on the trampoline causes your child to retaliate with a fist because his brain believed it was an attack. Or the sweet fun your child was having turns a bit maniacal.  It’s out of control. Your child suddenly can’t hear or listen or stop doing the outrageously impulsive thing she is doing. 

The brain is scanning for danger outside AND inside the body.

Early in your child’s life, sympathetic activation only meant DANGER.  It didn’t mean fun or shared pleasure.  Only danger. 

The really great news is that this pairing can be undone.  It takes time, patience, and perhaps a skilled therapist, but mostly a patient and attuned parent who can help the brain re-learn that an increased heart rate can just mean there is a TON of fun happening. 

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!