The Relationship Between Nutrition and Behavior {EP 57}


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What if we could get better behavior by focusing on something completely different?

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Holistic Psychologist, Educator, and Mom

Dr. Nicole Beurkens is a holistic psychologist in Grand Rapids, MI who also has degrees and experience in education and nutrition.

Dr. Beurkens started her career in special education and soon found herself with a desire to work with kids, parents, and families in a deeper way than she was able to as an educator.

Through her work with families, as well as her own family, Dr. Beurkens became interested in nutrition and brain health, ultimately earning another master’s degree in nutrition so that she could incorporate nutrition health into her work with kids and families.

Go Beneath Behavior

Dr. Nicole and I get pretty jazzed about the importance about looking waaaaay beneath behavior at a child’s physiology and how nutrition specifically impacts the child’s physiology.  We agreed that attachment, boundaries, connection, all the things we are always talking about on this podcast are SO important…

And…

If a child’s microbiome is out of whack, their gut health, is impaired or there are other physiological difficulties that are contributing to their behavioral difficulties, then there is very little change can be made until the physical challenges are addressed.

What Clues Suggest a Physiological Difficulty?

As a mental health therapist, parents come to be because their kids have behavior problems.  I take a thorough history and attempt to gather data that could give me clues that there is an underlying physiological need, but sometimes it’s hard to know exactly what to ask or what to look for.

Dr. Nicole said one of the clues that it’s time to explore physiological needs is if a family is doing ‘all the things’- parenting with connection and co-regulation, setting good boundaries, etc. but just not making any traction in creating more calm in their chaotic home.

Other things she takes into consideration when deciding to explore nutrition and physiology are if the child has (any, not all):

  • Limited picky diet
  • Diagnosed food allergies
  • History of physical health issues
  • Miralax dependence
  • Medications that address physical health (not just psychological health)
  • History of any other gut challenges, including parasites

Intergenerational Impact on the Microbiome

Dr. Nicole talked about something I’d never thought of before!  Our gut microbiomes are well-honed over generations to work in our environment.  When a child is adopted- especially international but even when adoption places a child in neighboring community or even just a different family- children have their gut microbiome formed to navigate one culture, setting, or geography, but then that child is transplanted into a different setting.  I thought this was such an interesting and important thing to consider- and I know admittedly little about the gut microbiome!

Felt-Safety

Felt-Safety is about how our physiology doing- it’s not relational felt-safety.  If our physiology is off- an infection, inflammation, illness…even being tired or hungry…the nervous system will flip into ‘protection’ mode- which brings about defensive behaviors.

Addressing our children’s nutritional needs, the microbiome, inflammation, leaky gut is a crucial component of establishing felt-safety.

The kid who only poops once a week?  That’s not just about pooping!  That’s a kid who is physically uncomfortable, which impacts their felt sense of OKness in their body, which impacts felt-safety.  The chronic runny nose?  Having a chronic, uncomfortable symptom takes up a lot of a person’s window of tolerance and they have less capacity to navigate other stressor!  Not to mention that there’s got to be an underlying reason for a chronic symptoms like constipation or congestion.

What About Us?

Dr. Nicole reminds us everything she is talking about with regards to our kids’ nutrition, health, and body applies to us, too!  If our nutrition is poor, our sleep is poor, our stress is sky-high then we have to focus on that if we want to ultimately parent with more regulation, connection, and offerings of felt-safety.

Normal versus Optimal

Ohhhhh I just loved when Dr. Nicole said that she isn’t interested in normal- she’s interested in optimal.  She is so clear that it’s much more important to look at the child and their symptoms and treat that- over their bloodwork.  Yes, drawing labs can be helpful but not at the expense of looking at symptoms.

Lab works suggests what’s normal across the entire population.  Lab work does not suggest what’s optimal for your specific child.

She also reminds us that sometimes really simply things, like a multivitamin, can make a huge difference.

Small Changes

Making nutritional changes can feel so overwhelming that sometimes parents chose not to think about nutrition at all.  Dr. Nicole reminds us that even small changes can make a big difference.  She gave the example of swapping out the fruit snacks you usually buy for a different brand that has less sugar.  It’s a small but important step that doesn’t have to cause a lot of additional friction in your relationship with your child.  Dr. Nicole is so clear that she is never asking parents to make enormous changes, switching to an unrealistic (for many families) all organic, all homemade food diet.

Small changes can go a long way in nutrient density- and nutrients feed the brain, which of course impacts behavior.

When Food is Already Stressful in Your Home

Dr. Nicole and I acknowledge that kids with a history of relational trauma who so often develop a lot of challenges related to their diet is an entire other podcast episode- but I asked for easy and practical tips and tricks anyway!

Dr. Nicole said there’s two ways to approach diet changes.

  1. Bite the bullet

There’s no slow way into this major change, everyone just has to deal with the awful for 7-10 days, and then it’ll get better.  Your kids won’t like it, you won’t like it, no one likes it but sometimes it’s just what needs to happen.

  1. Tip Toe In

For many families, a more gradual approach is more realistic and attainable.  In those situations, Dr. Nicole recommends:

  • Get more hydration. Focus on pushing in before removing, especially for any child who has a history of food insecurity.  For example, start to slowly water down juice, allowing their palette to slowly acclimate to less sweetness and get more water into their bodies.
  • Find a snack or meal option that can be substituted for something more nutrient dense. One, slow step at time.  Nicole is so clear- ONE simple shift at a time.
  • Give greater exposure to more nutrient dense foods. Not even thinking about what goes in their mouth, but exposing them to shopping and cooking and meal planning.  Be sure that as a family you are having meals together.  Even having kids helping you put food on the table or serving the food- even though they aren’t eating it.  Having your child put the food on their plate, with reassurance that they do not have to eat it.

Get more Dr. Nicole Beurkens!

You can find Dr. Nicole

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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But- What about a Consequence?!?! {EP 56}

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Is this way of parenting, this connection-based, brain-based, co-regulation-based way, permissive parenting? Are kids just learning to get away with bad behavior?

Don’t people need a consequence to learn what behavior to do more of…and what behavior to do less of?

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But- What About a Consequence?

The question “But what about a consequence?” usually means one of two things.

Either the person asking the question hasn’t fully bought into the relational neuroscience theory that regulated connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do) do well– OR they are dysregulated themselves and have fallen into old ways of responding to negative behavior.

That happens to all of us!

When we are dysregulated, we fall back into old, well-exercised neural pathways like “Bad behavior = consequence.”

I wrote about this in a blog from a few weeks ago- check it out! Has Trauma Informed Become Another Behavior Modification Technique?

What does Consequence Even Mean

Another challenge with the “But What About a Consequence” question is that nobody really agrees on what consequence means.

A consequence is just the thing that happens next. 

The consequence of me putting my foot on the gas is that my car accelerates.

The consequence of me oversleeping is that I have a rushed morning, I’m grouchy, and maybe late.

The consequence of one too many cups of coffee is that I can’t sleep for 12 days.

Some consequences are positive

They tend to make us want to do that behavior again.

The consequence of me finally getting up early enough to not rush through my morning routine and make it to work on time is positive- I like that.  I’ll do that again.

Some consequences are negative

The consequence of me drinking a cup of coffee after 2pm means I will never sleep again.  I don’t like that- I won’t do that again.

Learning from consequences- not punishments- means that the next time the situation rolls around, I have to remember.  I have to be regulated so that I can be mindful enough to pause my behavioral impulses- to drink coffee all day long- long enough to think “WAIT. Don’t drink that!  You’ll never sleep again!”

This is actually a pretty advanced cognitive skill and like I said, requires a lot of regulation and mindfulness.

Because slowing down, noticing, and choosing a different behavior requires a LOT of energy and frankly even calories.

Consequence Do Work!

It’s not that consequences- positive or negative- don’t work.  Consequences can lead to behavior change.

It’s that we’re banking on the problem being related to the child needing to know something new and then the next time, being regulated enough to pause, remember, and do something different.

I mean, most adults I know have a hard time with that!

Consequence is often a code-word for Punishment

Beyond that, very rarely do people use the word consequence to mean what it means- something that happens next.   

Most of the time, we are using the word consequence as a code word for punishment.

But what about the consequence? isn’t really asking about the consequence, because whatever the consequence really is, it already happened.

It’s really asking- but what is the punishment?

If regulated, connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do!) behave well, why do they need a punishment?

They don’t need a punishment.

They need us to help them solve the real problem.  Do they need to more co-regulation?  Connection? Or felt-safety?

What do Kids Really Need?

Sometimes we realize that our child doesn’t have what they need to be regulated, connected, and experiencing felt-safety in a certain setting.

Maybe your 5 and 7-year-olds can’t play without adult supervision without hurting each other.

They don’t need a punishment.

They need more adult co-regulation so that their 5 and 7-year-old owl brains to stay in charge enough that they can have age-appropriate sharing skills, frustration tolerance, and words to express what they need and want.

This might mean they need their play toys to be in the main room where the grownups are so the regulated adults can lend them their regulated brains more easily.

They might need help scaffolding the very complex social nuances of shared play.

(I give a lot more examples in the podcast episode)

Your Child Does Need Boundaries!

This approach to parenting doesn’t mean you child never hears no or there aren’t any boundaries.

And it isn’t an approach that avoids unhappy children.

It is an approach that recognizes what the real problem is (lack of regulation, connection or felt safety) and had that contributes to poor impulse control, poor frustration tolerance, or difficulty in putting together cause and effect.

Behaviors that we would label as rude or disrespectful or even verbally aggressive are really about a child being activated/aroused and not experiencing felt safety.  That’s dysregulated.

Opposition, defiance, and other challenging behaviors emerge from a brain that isn’t experiencing felt-safety.  Their brain has flipped into protection mode.  The owl brain has flown away and the watch dog or possum brain have taken over.

CLICK HERE for a blog on how activation/arousal is underneath behaviors like opposition, defiance, and aggression.

So- what do we do?

Create safety for the watchdog or possum brain.  Bring that activation down.

Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain is allll about creating safety for the watchdog and possum brain, and growing the owl brain.

Prosocial, age-appropriate social and relational behaviors will emerge.

This is super hard work for us grown-ups!!!  Kids- and especially kids with fragile nervous systems or histories of trauma, need lots of structure, predictability, and co-regulation.

There is a place for our hard-earned grief that our older or bigger kids cannot do the things that their same age peers can do- like play with their siblings or friends without hitting them.  Like get up for school.  Like leave the house in the morning for school without 9 million meltdowns.

Grieve that truth.

What Does Your Child Need to Be Successful?

What’s happening in your child’s body that is leaving them in such a chronic state of activation that they are regularly rude, disrespectful, and uncooperative?  How can you calm their arousal?  Help their body feel safe?  Create an environment or an experience from them to succeed?

This way of parenting isn’t boundary-less or permissive.  It recognizes that children don’t need punishments or rewards to change behavior.  They need regulation, connection, and felt-safety- and probably some new skills too but we have to teach those skills when they’re regulated.

What consequence does this child need (which is almost always code for what punishment does this child need) can be replaced by what does my child need in order to be successful?  How can I create an experience for them in which it would be impossible for them to fail?

When my child isn’t doing well managing the responsibilities of his life I pause and ask why.  What does he need that he isn’t getting?  Regulation? Connection? Felt-Safety?

These are big concepts and I’ve blogged a lot about them in the past!

Has Trauma Informed Become a Behavior Modification Technique?

What’s Regulation Got to do With it

Focus on Arousal not Behavior

Connection can’t not work

We are Always Searching and Yearning for Connection

Felt Safety- what’s that?

Connection or Protection

What Behavior Really Is– free video series masterclass

Deep-Dive into the Watchdog, Owl, and Possum Brain

The owl, watchdog, and possum brain (yours and your child’s!) are the stars of Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain– my online digital course.  Check it out!

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Has Trauma Informed Become A Behavior Modification Technique? {EP 54}


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Trauma Informed Care was my introduction to a new model on behavior.  A model that went past the behaviorist lens, a model that encouraged us to look way beyond the behavior and get curious about what was driving the behavior.

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A New Lens

When I was a brand therapist, I remember asking a mentor “But what about the consequence?” in regards to a teens particularly flagrant disregard of a pretty important rule.

He looked at me with a little smirk in his eyes- the smirk of a much older, much wiser mentor who is enjoying his new, young Padawan.

“What would a consequence accomplish?” He asked.

“Well, he needs to know this isn’t OK.”

He laughed. “I’m pretty sure he knows that.”

Huh.  He had a point.

But then what?

What Were We Supposed To Do?

It’s curious really.  A kid does something that is a clear message of “I am not OK!!!” and we adults are focused on what we are supposed to do to make sure the child knows what they did wasn’t OK.

This teen knew what he did wasn’t OK.

He definitely didn’t need to be taught that.

He needed grown-ups in life who were willing to get curious and brave about what on earth was going on- and then help him (while still offering very clear, solid boundaries).

I didn’t really like the feeling of not knowing what to do– and clearly I didn’t since I was asking about consequences– (and as an aside, I’ve gotten extremely comfortable with that feeling and it’s probably when I moved from being a good therapist to an excellent one) so I dove into the latest books and the latest science about what behavior really is. 

I found Dan Siegel and the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology.  I dove further in.

I obsessively obsessed about what was driving these kids’ behaviors so that we could help them.

Walking Two Paths- Therapist and Mom

At the same time, I was neck deep in raising my son and had an aha moment one day that I wanted to parent my son the way I was supporting the parents in my practice to be with their children.

Except my son hadn’t experienced any significant trauma- beyond being raised by a therapist. ;)

My husband is an educator and we were both learning from each other about how to be with our kids, students, clients, and colleagues in a way that matched our professional values and theory.

But again- those aren’t all people with a history of trauma.

Where was the line between trauma informed and just good practice based on what we understand about the neurobiology of being human? 

And maybe even a better question- why was there a line?

Trauma Informed Approaches- Are They Good Approaches for Everyone?

We took our son out of a school with a relatively archaic approach to behavior management that would definitely be considered not trauma informed- but I felt completely clear that this approach wasn’t good for any kids- not just kids with a history of trauma.

My husband and I looked at each other one evening after a failed attempt at inspiring some change in our son’s school and said “Why would keep our kid in an environment that we spend all our professional hours speaking out against?” And I remain grateful that I had opportunities in my life that allowed me the privilege to make that choice while continuing to be a fierce advocate for the families who don’t have a choice.

Trauma informed approaches aren’t just good for kids with a history of trauma.

Truly being trauma informed means connecting with what it means to be human- and then understanding the impact of trauma on top of that.

Trauma-Informed as a Behavior Intervention

“How do I know if this is a trauma related behavior or a normal kid behavior?”

“Help me know how to respond to this behavior in my child with a trauma history because if my bio kid had ever pulled anything like this, I would react WAY different.”

“I completely agree with trauma-informed care…but what about when it doesn’t work?  Doesn’t the child need a consequence then?”

Outside my work with parents, I was traveling far and wide, speaking to educators, clinicians, and parents all over the country.  Without fail, one or all of these questions would be asked.

These questions are generally coming from one of two different places. 

Sometimes they were questions from folks who had just popped out of their window of tolerance.  A certain behavior triggered them in a way that they left their prefrontal cortex and moved into a controlling space.  This is normal and human and happens to me, too.

Or, they are the questions of someone who has unintentionally turned trauma-informed principles into another behavior management technique.

Focused on Behavior Change

They were using ideas of connection, felt-safety, and co-regulation as a means to an end- changed behavior.

They were still, at their core, believing that children need some sort of intervention to ‘act right’ and they were willing to try these new approaches for kids who had experienced trauma.

What was being missed was the complete paradigm shift of understanding the neurobiology of behavior– the neurobiology of being human. 

To Be Truly Trauma Informed

To truly be trauma informed, we have to shift our entire lens on what behavior really is, otherwise it will ultimately just become another behavior management technique.

The risk there is that when the technique doesn’t work- meaning behavior isn’t changed- we revert back to beliefs like “This child is just defiant” or “We need to give a consequence” (which you and I both know means punishment).

What’s Underneath the Behavior

At the foundation of trauma informed care is the curiosity to look at what’s driving behavior and focus on that- instead of the behavior.  Along with the recognition that trauma impacts people in a way that ultimately comes out in the behavior.

That’s true of all behavior.

Behavior is simply what we see on the outside that gives us clues about what’s happening on the inside.

I can summarize most of what we currently understand about the neurobiology of behavior (including polyvagal theory, affect regulation theory, the neurosequential model, etc. etc. etc.) with this:

Regulated, Connected Kids (people) who Feel Safe Behave Well.

We might have to redefine or re-examine what it means to do well, but that’s another post/episode.

Felt-Safety

The brain has two settings.

Safe. Not Safe.  It’s an on/off switch.

When we feel safe, we have behaviors of connection.

When we don’t feel safe, we have behaviors of protection.

What’s a behavior of protection?  They’re the ones that leave you not want to be in connection with that person.  Or their behaviors that are overly pushing connection away.

Basically, they’re the behaviors that lead you to listen to podcasts and read blogs about behavior.

Regulation

All behavior, not just relational behavior but all behavior-– like brushing our teeth or riding a bike– is driven by the levels of energy and arousal in our nervous system.

When that energy and arousal is regulated, our behavior matches.  Regulated doesn’t mean calm or happy.  Regulated means I’m inside my window of tolerance.  Regulated means I’m stay connected to myself.  It means I can notice my experience and change it if needed.

The kind of behavior that distresses adults the most is usually really dysregulated.  The child isn’t connected to themselves and it doesn’t match the situation.

Like- flipping over a chair because you can’t have a snack five minutes before dinner.

Connection

Connection is a Biological Imperative.  This is science.  Hard science.  This means connection is our default.  We are driven to be find connection and our body works better when we are available for connection.

If our kids (or anyone for that matter) are acting in a way that is rejecting or pushing away connection we have to pause and ask “Huh.  What’s up with that.”

This is true about all humans.  All.  Every single one.

I know that if you aren’t new to my blog that this isn’t new information.  Just hang with me.  Plus it’s good to hear things a lot.

Now- Layer the Impact of Trauma on Top

Felt-Safety

Trauma leaves folks more likely to experience neutral or even positive experiences as unsafe. Trauma sets the felt-safety bias hard toward ‘not safe.’  Trauma can leave a person is a pretty chronic state of ‘not safe.’  This leaves them in protection-brain.  This means more protection behaviors (opposition, defiance, aggression, shutting down).

Regulation

Trauma impacts the development of regulation in the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The impact on the ANS impacts all sorts of things but the one thing I’ll mention here is the creation of the ‘mountain out of a mole hill’ phenomenon.

Basically, a history of trauma can leave people have big reactions to objectively small stressors.

Connection

Trauma can leave connection- something that is supposed to bring a sense of soothing and safety to our system- as something that instead brings a sense of threat.

To be driven toward something that is also threatening?

There’s hardly a greater tragedy.

Minimizing the Trauma-Informed Movement?

I’ve worried about– and even gotten some feedback– that I’m unintentionally minimizing the impact of trauma by first focusing on the neurobiology of being human.

Laying trauma-informed principles on top of the neurobiology of being human is how we truly recognize and honor the impact of trauma.

What if without first understanding the neurobiology of being human, trauma informed care is reduced to behavior management techniques?

What if people with a history of trauma who don’t produce the desired behavior in response to someone’s trauma-informed intervention are labeled as ‘just defiant.’

Regretfully, these aren’t ‘what ifs.’  These are things I see happening.  Every day.

If we shift our lens and see behavior as an expression of someone’s internal state, their autonomic nervous system, their level of arousal and their experience of felt-safety, we change how we see everyone’s behavior.

We shift to a place where compassion emerges and boundaries are clear.

Changing Systems & Culture

We create systems and cultures that are not only a space for all humans to thrive, but are especially a place for people with a history of trauma to thrive. 

Changing how we see people changes people.

People with a history of trauma are people first.  Then the way trauma has impacted the development of the nervous system, their regulation, and connection to felt-safety, their ability to feel safe in connection, and even the way to make and retrieve memories can be understood on top of that.

People with a history of trauma aren’t broken.

They are having completely reasonable, adaptive responses to experiences they never should have had.  The neuroscience of being human confirms this.

Beyond Trauma Informed

To be truly trauma informed, we have to go beyond trauma informed.  We have to be willing to turn upside our beliefs, and the systems in which we’ve built those beliefs, about what it means to be human.

This means confronting all the times someone has treated us in a way that taught us we needed to be punished in order to be good.  This means confronting all the times we’ve treated others that way.  That’s hard and gutsy and brave and we’re doing it.

You’re doing it.

We’re changing the world for generations to come.  We’re creating a space for people to heal from trauma.  And maybe we’re creating a space where people experience less trauma because all humans are seen for who they really are: completely amazing precious people- who sometimes act bad.

Robyn

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