I asked Ilyse Kennedy to come on the podcast to talk about her new book, “The Tender Parts.”

Ilyse Kennedy, LPC, LMFT, PSESP, PMH-C is a psychotherapist and the owner of group therapy practice, Moving Parts Psychotherapy in Austin, TX. In the therapy room, she works with children through adults who have experienced trauma. Outside of the therapy room, she is an author (her book “The Tender Parts” was released November 1st), educator for clinicians, providing training around working with trauma, mental health and social justice advocate on Instagram (and beyond), @Movingpartspsychotherapy. She advocates for intersectional trauma informed care that recognizes the nuances of oppression in how we think about trauma. Outside of the therapy room, she enjoys searching for bugs with her young children, enjoying the Austin music scene, and indulging in the reality television arts when not with her young children. 

Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast

What is Internal Family Systems and parts work?

Internal Family systems (IFS) is a therapy modality that brings us the idea that we all have a multiplicity inside of us (aka parts). We all have a rich inner system that’s made up of many parts. And when we get to know those parts of ourselves, we can understand why they’ve shown up for us. These parts are sort of adaptations that we’ve built over time (often referred to in IFS as managers, firefighters and exiles), typically, to deal with any distress in our life. So it holds the idea that we’re all born with a core self, and along the way, these adaptations form. Ilyse likes to think of it as sort of a shell around the cell to protect us and help us manage distress. And then these parts of us help us to function in our day to day life. 

It’s a way of life, a way of being with ourselves and others. Once you start thinking about yourself in this way and seeing others as operating from these parts or adaptations to distress, it can change the way you are in relationship with yourself and with others.

Exploring self-compassion toward our parts

One of the ways Ilyse shares about how Internal Family Systems can change the way we relate to ourselves is by titrating the intensity and overwhelm that can come with trying to practice self-compassion. 

It can be really hard to have full self compassion. Instead, we can get to know parts of ourselves, and have compassion in small bits, like learning how these parts have functioned, and how they’ve developed because of our story and interacted with our story. We can then hold compassion just for those small parts. And that can feel so much less daunting than trying to have compassion for the full self.

How can “parts work” be beneficial for parents?

Parts work can help us stay connected to ourselves in moments of crisis with our children. When we can stay grounded in self energy while responding to even the most unimaginable behavior, we are less likely to respond from parts of us that might cause shame in our children or ourselves. 

Illyse explains self energy in this way: “I feel like an energy through the center of my body where I’m able to connect fully with myself and my own parts and fully with the person in front of me and their parts. It’s this sense of safety and connection. And it’s important to say that doesn’t mean that there’s an overall goal of being constantly in self. It’s that we can learn how to have access to our self energy so that we can make space for all of our parts that come forward. We’re always going to have parts coming up. And we’re always going to be coming in and out of parts of ourselves. But we can start to strengthen that sense of self energy so that we can give that to our parts.”

Parts work helps us build trust in our own systems and those of our children

To hear more about Internal Family Systems, including the way Ilyse describes manger, firefighter and exiled parts, listen to the podcast or read the full transcript.

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.
Just let me know where to send the links!