Obviously, one of my passions in life is understanding behavior, but I’ve learned that not everyone is as interested in understanding what’s driving behavior. In fact, a lot of people have shared their fears with me that explaining behavior is just excusing it. So, I wanted to devote an episode on the podcast to exploring the reasons for understanding behavior (as well as some of the fears).
Why is it Important to Understand Behavior?
- We can actually solve the real problem.
- It invites compassion, which moves us into Connection Brain which is what invites integration and change.
Why do we avoid understanding behavior?
In the podcast, I discuss a few of the reasons people find it hard to invest in understanding behavior. The overarching cause is a nervous system in protection mode. When we are in protection mode we really aren’t curious about what’s underneath behavior. Staying in protection mode causes us to seek a false sense of safety by asserting power and control over another’s behavior.
If I stay in a power-over position and use my power to change someone else’s behavior, then I can disregard what is driving the behavior.
And the behavior may even change.
But this is not without great cost.
Curiosity, Compassion, and Connection
If we really are invested in helping people feel better- and not just in being in a position of enough power to force someone else’s behavior change- then it’s a relief to learn that committing to understanding behavior invites our brains into states of curiosity and compassion.
And guess what? Compassion is the hallmark of a nervous system that is open to change.
We actually know what changes neural networks– a nervous system that is in Connection Mode.
Yup. Curiosity and compassion are literally a part of the formula for creating the circumstances that invite true change in the brain….and changes in behavior.
If I want to help a child’s nervous system feel regulated, connected and safe so that they have behaviors that support their connection with others, then I have to have some idea about what’s driving that behavior.
What about Boundaries?
Seeing beneath behavior does not mean we just accept “bad” behavior, have no boundaries and no control. Seeing beneath behavior does not mean we are excusing behavior!
Compassion actually allows us to set way better boundaries. Boundaries that are much more likely to be respected. Boundaries that we are much more likely to enforce.
Now without question we might have a little confusion over what the word boundaries means.
Boundaries are not about being in a power-up position that allows me to control and manipulate someone else’s behavior.
We’re going to spend the month of February exploring boundaries- particularly how we have boundaries with kids with very dysregulated behaviors- so for now I’ll just say that compassionate boundaries are much stronger and more powerful than punishment and power-over attempts to manipulate someone else’s behavior.
Compassionate boundaries allow connected relationships to flourish in safety.
Understanding behavior leads to compassion which leads to compassionate boundaries.
Listen on the Podcast
This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’
Robyn
Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.
Just let me know where to send the links!
