“Fix” Behaviors by Growing the Owl Brain {EP 148}


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When our kids have a behavior that needs to change, we usually focus all our attention on responding (or reacting!) to that behavior.

Actually, it is much more effective to focus on how to increase our children’s regulation, connection, and felt safety. This will ultimately result in fewer (or less severe) behaviors to respond to.

Strategies that Really Work

When the subtitle for my book was first suggested, I bristled. I did not want to be one person parenting ‘expert’ who was saying “Just do what I say and your kids’ behaviors will change.” 

I have no idea if you’ll be able to change your kids’ behaviors, so I felt like I couldn’t say “these strategies really work!!”

But, as time has gone on, the subtitle has grown on me.

If parents combine my three core tenets (understand the neurobiology, having a tool box full of tools that address the real problem, and focus on their own regulation) the brain-body-sensory strategies in the book really just might work!

The magic is in bringing all three pillars together. That’s how we get outta the constant game of behavior whack-a-mole.

Increase the Window of Stress Tolerance

Growing the Owl Brain will grow your child’s window of stress tolerance. That means they’ll be reacting to stressors less often and less intensely.

How to Strengthen the Owl Brain

I try to keep things simple and straightforward for y’all. We strengthen the owl brain by offering co-regulation, connection, and felt safety.

When we understand the neurobiology of behavior, we can easily come up with strategies to do all of those things. 

Felt safety comes from inside, outside, and between. So, we can increase felt safety with things like structure, predictability, and keeping blood sugar stable.

Co-regulation-based parenting is only possible when we have proximity to our children, so one strategy is to decrease the distance. 

Scaffolding is another strategy of co-regulation, which we previously discuss on THIS PODCAST episode.

We can also lean into body-based strategies, like bubble gum, summersaults, rocking, or squeezing as ways to help bring more regulation in your child’s body. 

Strategies that Really Work

The strategies I offer you in Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors have the potential to really work because they aren’t focused on the behavior, they are focused on the problem that is DRIVING the behavior- lack of regulation, or connection, or felt safety.

Responding to Behavior

Next week, we’ll talk about strategies that calm the watchdog and possum brains. Those are the strategies you can experiment with when responding to children’s challenging behavior in the moment.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors released September 21. CLICK HERE to choose from a variety of pre-order bonuses, including a signed copy or 20% off.

Scaffolding Is A Form Of Co-regulation {EP 82}

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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What Behavior Really Is {EP 147}


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Behavior isn’t what most of us think.

So then- what is it?

What Behavior Really Is

Behavior is simply what we see on the outside that gives us some information about what’s happening on the inside.

Behavior is observable. It gives us a cue or a clue to start exploring the thoughts, feelings, sensations, behavioral impulses, felt safety, regulation, level of connection to self and others, and memory networks that are driving that behavior. 

I know that might sound complicated but it doesn’t have to be.

Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast

Behavior Tells a Story

Observable behavior tells the story of the autonomic nervous system. 

It’s a little like a choose-your-own-adventure book. (I loved those as a kid. It turned one book into several!)

When making the choice, the brain is asking “Am I safe? In danger I might be able to get out of? Or in life threatening danger?”

If the answer is safe, the autonomic nervous system chooses what I call the owl pathway.

If the answer is dangerous, but I could probably get out of it if I tried, then the autonomic nervous system chooses what I call the watchdog pathway.

And if the answer is probably life threatening, then the autonomic nervous system chooses what I call the possum pathway.

Pathway = Behavior

Behavior is an expression of the pathway that’s chosen. When the owl pathway engages, we see owl pathway behaviors. Those behaviors tend to invite or welcome connection. Behaviors like cooperation, flexibility, impulse control, and empathy.

When the watchdog pathway engages, we see watchdog pathway behaviors. Opposition, defiance, aggression, anxiety, control, or fleeing.

When the possum pathway engages, we see possum pathways behaviors. La-la land, checking out, avoidance, not getting out of bed, dissociation. 

Understanding Behavior IS an Intervention

One of my missions is to make the neuroscience of behavior more accessible. I feel so strongly that mental health professionals should not be hoarding this information. This is why I’ve written my book, have The Club, and teach professionals (NOT just therapists) in Being With.

I know that it doesn’t always feel this way, and you want practical tools more than science, but I really truly promise.

Understanding the science is an intervention.

Changing how we see people changes people (including us).

Shifting beliefs about behavior is hard because we’ve been taught that bad behavior = bad person since we were babies. We have a lot of practice believing that!

That’s why I keep talking about. Over and over and over. So we can build new, strong neural pathways with our beliefs about behavior. The more repetition there is, the stronger the neural pathway.

A Different Kind of Book

I wanted to write a book that didn’t just give you parenting advice. There’s lots of books like that. I wanted to write a book that would change you.

Not because there is something wrong with you. There’s not.

But because I know you tune into this podcast because you feel bad a lot. You live with a dysregulated person, and you don’t know what to do. Or you help dysregulated people and get dysregulated yourself and don’t know what to do.

I set out to write a book that actually changes your neurobiology.

And how does neurobiology change? In safety, connection, and with co-regulation.

Co-Regulation? In a Book?

I wondered- could I offer those things in a meaningful way – like I did in therapy- in a book? So that millions of people could experience it for only what- 20 bucks? And 16 if you preorder through my publisher!

I can’t wait to hear from all of you if it does. It’ll take a while for us to really know. But the folks who read an advanced copy said it was like me being in their living room, drinking coffee, offering coregulation.

Doesn’t that sound wonderful?

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors released September 21. CLICK HERE to choose from a variety of pre-order bonuses, including a signed copy or 20% off. 

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Parenting When Your Partner Is Not On Board {EP 146}


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As parents, we all want what’s best for our children. But when our parenting styles differ from our partner’s, it can create tension and confusion. This challenge is the focus of our latest podcast episode, “Parenting When Your Partner Is Not Onboard”

Categories of resistance

In this episode, we delve into the reasons behind resistance to paradigm shifts in parenting. We explore two categories of resistance that typically arise. The first is those who do not believe in the theory behind behavior. The second is those who get too dysregulated when dealing with certain behaviors. Understanding these resistance categories can help parents approach their differences with empathy and openness.

De-shaming behavior

To facilitate understanding, we discuss the Owl, Watchdog, and Possum metaphor, a tool that can help parents comprehend their own and their partner’s reactions to different behaviors. The metaphor serves as a non-threatening way to de-shame behavior and understand the role of the brain in parenting. This understanding can then pave the way for more effective communication and problem-solving.

A plan during dysregulation

Creating a support plan is a critical part of navigating parenting differences. This involves understanding when your partner’s “owl brain” has flown away, meaning they have become dysregulated, and stepping in to offer support. The use of code words or gestures can help signal this need for support, creating a safer and more nurturing environment for both parents and children.

Rupture and repair

Repair is another essential element in maintaining a healthy family dynamic. If one partner becomes dysregulated and reacts in a way that is not constructive, it’s important for them to make a repair with the child. This not only models responsibility and empathy for the child but also strengthens the bond between parent and child.

Different Parenting Philosophies

It’s crucial to remember that having different parenting philosophies does not mean your partnership can’t be successful or that you can’t create a nurturing environment for your children. It simply means that you may need to approach communication and problem-solving a bit differently.

Being curious and open to learn

We also highlight the importance of staying curious about your partner’s perspective and approach. Being open to learning from each other can create a more harmonious and effective parenting partnership. If your partner is unwilling to learn or engage in this process, it may indicate a deeper underlying issue within the relationship that needs addressing.

Understand, communicate, and support

In conclusion, navigating parenting differences can be challenging, but it is not insurmountable. With understanding, communication, and mutual support, parents can create a harmonious and nurturing environment for their children. Tune into our podcast for more insights and strategies to help you navigate these challenges and build a stronger relationship with your parenting partner.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Free resources: robyngobbel.com/freeresources

Book pre-order/order: robyngobbel.com/book

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Calm the Chaos- A Transformative Framework for Parenting {EP 145}


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Ever found yourself struggling to understand and support a child who simply doesn’t fit the mold? Dayna Abraham’s way to Calm the Chaos might be just what you’re looking for.  Dayna’s journey from being a sibling to a challenging brother, to teaching dysregulated kids, and then parenting a unique child herself, offers a wealth of wisdom and practical strategies. Dayna has taken everything she’s learned from supporting her son and now helps struggling families all around the world.

In this episode you’ll learn:

  • How Dayna’s personal experiences have led her to develop her Calm the Chaos framework for parents
  • The importance of seeing kids uniqueness as something to be celebrated, not changed
  • Why parents deserve exactly what our kids deserve- safety and connection and understanding

Resources mentioned in this podcast:
Lemon Lime Adventures
Calm the Chaos Book
Calm the Chaos Podcast

Robyn

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Enabling vs. Low-Demand Parenting {EP 144}


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Navigating the intricate journey of parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system can often feel like maneuvering through a maze without a map. However, the complexity of this journey can be eased with an understanding of the delicate balance between enabling and co-regulation. This is a pivotal aspect that we delve into in our recent podcast episode, shedding light on the critical contrast often misconstrued in the mental health field.

Enabling vs. Co-Regulation

In this enlightening exploration, we debunk the term ‘enabling’ that carries a negative connotation in the mental health domain. We explain how the act of enabling, although it may seem like providing support, could inadvertently contribute to the continued maladaptive or pathological behavior in the child. However, the objective is not to vilify enabling but to contrast it with co-regulation, a process that encourages individuals to meet their own needs and achieve desired ends.

The Science of Lowering Demands

A key part of this discussion revolves around the science behind lowering demands. We examine how varying levels of demands can trigger different stress responses in children. An overactive, sensitized stress response system tends to respond significantly to even low amounts of stressors. To strengthen this system, the initial step is to reduce the stress, thereby lowering the demands to a level where the system can take a break. This strategy is instrumental in bolstering your child’s stress response system.

Hard vs. Too Hard

Understanding the difference between ‘hard’ and ‘too hard’ is an integral part of this journey. This is where the concept of attunement comes into play. Attunement, or being in tune with your child’s emotions and needs, plays a crucial role in making informed decisions for them. The ability to differentiate between decisions rooted in connection versus those rooted in protection is essential.

The Root of Enabling Behaviors

However, self-awareness doesn’t happen overnight. It requires a considerable amount of self-compassion and an exploration of how our personal past might shape our present behaviors. One common behavior is prioritizing others’ comfort over ours. This is where the roots of enabling and codependent behaviors lie. These behaviors stem from a nervous system in protection mode, while co-regulation comes from connection mode.

Non-Judgmental Observation

Finally, we emphasize the importance of non-judgmental observation of our own

behaviors. Noticing without changing is a vital part of this process. It involves bringing awareness to our actions without self-criticism. This self-attunement strengthens our ‘owl brain’ and moves us towards co-regulation instead of co-dependence.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Connection or Protection??? {7}

What to do after We Mess up {80}

Stress Response System {94}

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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