What Does it Mean to Be With? {EP 100}

Robyn: And I want to actually talk about exactly that I didn't script this out, I didn't plan to say that I wanted to be with you in this moment. But I think that's sort of my point that we'll get to as this episode unfolds and concludes. Is how frequently that language is in everything that we're saying, and doing, or are aiming for. It's such present language, it's something I say a lot. It's something I know other folks say a lot. But there's sometimes can be this sense of like, but what does that even mean? Like, what does it mean, to be with? And then why does it matter? Like what's important about it? 

Robyn: I say, ‘be with’ or ‘being with’ so often that I named my program after it, right? I remember, as I was trying to figure out what I was going to call what is now called being with. I just was writing about it, I was writing, like my hopes. and my dreams. and my desires. And how I hoped the program would unfold. And why I wanted to do this, I was just writing, writing, writing, writing, writing. And as I was reflecting back on it and reading through it, what jumped out at me was how often I use the language ‘be with’ or ‘being with’. So often that it seemed so obvious, then, that's like well, of course, that's what I'm going to name this- this year long program that I ended up creating for parenting professionals. 

Robyn: Because while of course, like the program being with is full of tools, and I teach the parents that I work with tons of tools. And I teach you tons of tools here on the podcast, right? That there are lots of tools, but also those of you listening to this podcast, have had enough impossible situations in your parenting, or in your work with kids with big, baffling behaviors. That you already know that there's not always a tool, right? When- when situations are impossible, there isn't always a tool that we can just turn to that will be helpful. Not a tool in the traditional sense. But we'll talk of course, how being with is- is the tool, right? And so because those are the families that I work with, those are the families that are in The Club, those are the families that I was working with in my clinical practice. And those are the families that the professionals and being with our serving families who there isn't always a tool that's gonna solve their problem. 

Robyn: It becomes then how do we focus on the being and the being with. Being with as like a tool, a tool that's taught is something I first learned about when I trained in the circle of security. And I'll put information about the circle of security down in the show notes. The circle of security has professional training programs, the of circle security has a book for professionals called The Circle of Security Intervention. And then they have a book for parents called Raising A Secure Child. The Circle of Security is one of the most impactful trainings I've ever participated in, and I've taken a lot so that's really saying something! The folks over at Circle of Security have created the most delightful five minute animation about the concept of being with. And I'm going to make sure to put the link to that down in the show notes as well. Highly recommend that after you listen to this episode, that you head over and check out this video because I think the illustrations in the video really help to, kind of, anchor in what feels like a kind of hard to pin down or hard to describe except patience of being with. 

Robyn: As I was prepping for this podcast episode, I went and grabbed my Circle of Security intervention book, and wanted to just go like right to the source. And look at what Circle of Security says about being with. So I'm just gonna actually read you the definition. “Being with: a deceptively simple term represents a profound need, that when answered, paves the way for a lifetime of satisfying relationships, for a mastery of a raft of developmental tasks and adult competencies for trust, and self regulation and even physical health. It is by being with the child, that the parent provides responsive caregiving, and has the greatest hope of meeting the child's needs. And it is by being with the parents, that the therapist is able to elicit change.” So I took that right from Circle of Security Intervention, if you want to dive in further, highly recommend getting your hands on that book. 

Robyn: If I turn to my theory of interpersonal neurobiology, when I'm thinking about being with what I look for, in interpersonal neurobiology, language is the concept of resonance, the process where my two separate parts become one. Impacting one another become- becoming something new together, but without losing their individual separateness. And when I think about resonance, that's such a key piece for me. That there's this- this coming together, this creation of something new, but without the loss of the individual pieces that came together to create something new. 

Robyn: So like an orchestra, or a family, a family with good, healthy, energetic boundaries, right? That the orchestra is made up of different instruments, and different players who are playing the instruments. And together, we put all those instruments together and create something new and amazing. But that individual violin player is still there, and that individual horn player is still there, and that individual flute player is still there. And all of their individual- individuality is still completely intact. Coming together to create something new. That is what's required to be with. To come into contact with another person to connect with their energy in the space between, while having these really strong, energetic boundaries. So that what's theirs doesn't become what's mine, and I get confused. Right?

Robyn: Being with requires having a significant amount of already existing internalized co-regulation, which a lot of folks call self regulation. But y'all know that here, we call it internalized co-regulation. Right? And that internalized co-regulation allows us to join somebody in their distress, without feeling any urgency to change it. There is a sense of curiosity and compassion, in the energetic space of being with somebody. 

Robyn: Our owl brain is solidly online, or owl brain is totally in charge when we are being with. Now that doesn't mean we don't have big feelings, right? It doesn't mean that we're calm, we it means that we're resonating with the intensity, while still staying regulated, mindful, connected to ourselves and aware of what's mine, and what's yours. And yeah, I teach a program for professionals called Being With and this experience of being with as- is as important, if maybe not even more important, in parenting than it is in the professional relationship. It's also much, much, much harder inside parenting. 

Robyn: The thing about being a professional and bringing, you know, co-regulation, and presence, and attunement, and being with to our clients is that most of us are only with our clients for a short duration, and then we have a break and then we go to a different client. And not that it's easy necessarily to be with for 50-55 minutes or, I mean, even a 90 minute session. I want to call it easy, but knowing that it's going to be over, right? Knowing that there is this structure in place. Knowing that there's going to be a break. Knowing that the next person who comes in might also be dysregulated, and need resonance with their dysregulation. But it's different, right? It's not the same dysregulation that lasts for hours, and hours, and hours, and hours. All of these pieces make being with, with my professional hat on much easier than being with, when I have my parent hat on. 

Robyn: So when I say that being with might be even more important as a parent than it is as a professional, I don't want to imply anything like it's easier. Or you should be better at it in the parenting- when their parenting hat on, because that's not true at all, but it is exceptionally important. So sometimes the experience of being with has words, it might sound literally like I'm here with you. I won't leave you. We're here together, I see you. I see your pain, I see your anger, right? Sometimes being with doesn't have words at all. Being with relieves us from the compulsion to try to fix a situation that isn't fixable. And this is why I think it is so crucial for the families that I work with and for my own family, right? That we have situations that, frankly, just aren't fixable. 

Robyn: So what do we do instead? We be with it. Let's talk about why this matters. Like, why do we want to kind of hone and develop the skill? What's important about being with? Because it's hard. And it's hard to develop the skill, like it takes a lot of practice, to develop the energetic boundaries, to develop the capacity to resonate without trying to send a rescue. Right? This is not easy work. So why would we do it? What what's even important about this, why does it matter? 

Robyn: I want you to imagine this, I'm with a client who is in deep distress about a situation that's very distressing, and has no real solution. It's a situation that simply just can't be fixed. Now imagine that this client has had a lot of experiences in their past where they were left all alone with really overwhelming or dysregulated experiences. Nobody was there with them. Nobody offered the co-regulation that was needed. 

Robyn: And then, before we go any further with this example, ask yourself if that was ever true for you. Have you ever had experiences in your past where you were left alone with overwhelming and dysregulated experiences and nobody was with you, nobody offered the curriculum that you needed. This doesn't have to mean that you have a past that was filled with trauma and toxic stress. But I don't know that I've ever met a human that doesn't connect with the idea that at some point in their past, they were left all alone with overwhelming and dysregulating experiences. So now there can be times now in our present everyday lives, right? And imagine, again, imagine this is true for my client who's in my office and is having a distressing experience. And they've had a history of having distressing experiences and being all alone. 

Robyn: Now, they're having an overwhelming experience. And because of the past, those experiences have the expectation that again, they are going to be left all alone. And again, take a moment and consider how often this might be true for us. This is a pretty common human experience. This isn't necessarily about trauma and toxic stress or even in experiences of insecure attachment. Most of us have had overwhelming experiences in the past- where we were left all alone. And many of us have experiences in the here and now where we have a distressing experience and we are anticipating that we will just be all alone. And it is that aloneness actually that's traumatic, not the distress itself. But the aloneness that's connected to the distress. It feels like it's the impossible situation that's traumatic, but actually it's not. It's the expectation that the impossible situation will be coupled with aloneness. 

Robyn: So for my client, then, what they need isn't for me to fix the impossible situation, or to offer some sort of brilliant tool, though certainly, if I had one I would offer hit to just be clear about that I'm not withholding things. If I had a tool and we could fix it, eventually we would get to that. But we've already established that there's no tool, there's nothing to fix, it's an impossible situation. Right? What they need in those moments of connecting with the distress and the impossibility of their own situation, what they need is the aloneness to be undone. The aloneness that they've had in the past and the aloneness and that they're expecting next, because that's how the human brain works. We expect- each of us always has expectations about what's about to happen in the next moment. And it's based completely on what has happened to us in the past. The brain actually, that's kind of its dominant job is to anticipate what is about to happen next. And of course, the primary way the brain does that job is by taking inventory of everything that has happened in the past. 

Robyn: So if in the past distress was coupled with aloneness, then now the distress is expecting aloneness. And even though the situation is impossible, and there's nothing that I can do to fix the situation, what that person needs is to receive the opposite of what they were expecting. They don't need the problem solved. I mean, like I said, that'd be great and if I could, I would, but they don't need the problem solved. They need me to be with them. When the nervous system is expecting all aloneness, and it's surprised with someone who's willing to be with the neural network that holds the impossible situation with the trauma of being alone has the opportunity to unlock and in a way, be re-written. 

Robyn: I will also offer that intense dysregulation is expecting to be all alone. And the science behind that is gonna go outside the scope of what we're going to tackle in this specific episode. But if you're dealing with a child, or grown up, who has extreme intense dysregulation that feels to you really disproportionate to like what's really objectively happening in the here and now. Part of the reason for that is because of the aloneness that's- that is coupled into that neural network. And so I don't have to know you, or know your situation, or know your child's history, to know that what they need is for you to be with. I don't have to know all the details about my clients history to know that what they need is for me to be with. If I can stick with and be with my client or my child or my husband. That's when the nervous system has the opportunity to take in some safety. 

Robyn: Did you have a chance to listen to the podcast with my- with my husband's from two weeks ago? Where he talks about when he's really having intense dysregulation his mind is just going bananas. Right? And he's having a huge watchdog or possum brain experience. That sometimes I can kind of get a hold of and bring safety to my own watchdog brain, put it to rest, and then step toward him to just be with him in his terror. It's really, really, really hard, right? I am not very good at it. And this is what I do for a living. I think my husband gave me a grade of F plus. [laughter] And that you know, we kind of chuckled in that I can do it about 5% of the time. But I try, and I keep trying every single day. And it's that trying and then it's the being with that literally actually changes the brain. It is a tool. 

Robyn: So where, then, do all the other tools fit in? Right? I give you a lot of tools. I give members of The Club tremendous amounts of tools. And of course, I spend a lot of time inside Being With, teaching them tools so that they can teach the families that they work with. Why? Like why am I doing that if being with is the most important piece? Well one thing about the tools is that they- having a bunch of tools and tools that we feel pretty confident are going to actually be helpful. Those tools help to calm our watchdog and possum brain right? Those tools give us a sense of “Oh, phew. I know what to do. I'm not helpless in the situation”. That helps my watchdog and possum brain feel safer, and helps my owl brain to grow bigger and stronger so that I can be with. So the tools and having a toolbox full of tools that we trust, right? Like tools that really work. Help us be with more. 

Robyn: Eventually, then, as we really grow that owl brain big and strong, the tools just become something that hang out in the background, we can kind of pull them out when needed. But we're not focused on them. I mean, I definitely- I have a lot of great ideas for how to help kids reconnect with themselves. Reconnect with their regulation, and with safety. A lot of great ideas, lots, and lots of tools. So it's not that the tools are unimportant, but the tools become amplified when we can really lean in and just trust that experience of being with. 

Robyn: Being with means staying in our owl brain. It means that we have compassion. And of course, we want the people we're with who are hurting or dysregulated, of course, we want them to feel better. And of course, we may even want their behavior to stop. But when we are being with, we don't rush in to make them feel better. And we definitely don't do it because their discomfort is making us uncomfortable. And think about that for a second. How often when we are trying to help somebody feel better, is what we're really trying to do is help ourselves feel better because we're so uncomfortable with how uncomfortable they are? Being with means having the energetic boundaries that we can resonate with someone's pain without becoming engulfed by it. Or without staying separate from it and leaving them all alone. Being with also means that someone was first with us. Being with me and prioritizing being in community with people who want to be with us, so that we can be with those who need that from us. And being with isn't coddling or pitying. Being with allows for the developmental process of growth and regulation to really bloom. Being with means our watchdog and possum brains can take a break. And that's really good for our physical health, too. 

Robyn: The tools like scripts for when our kid has manipulative or practical strategies to help the child who just can't handle no, which I give you in previous podcast episodes, if you want to go check them out. Those tools give us the confidence to trust that we can be with. Then the being with actually becomes the most powerful tool. So they all work together in harmony, one needing the other. You might even experience me being with you through this podcast. That is my deepest hope.

Robyn: It's also why I wrote my book the way that I wrote it. I didn't want to just write another book full of tools. There's lots of those. And there's lots of people with great ideas who can write those. I wanted to write a book that would give you the sense that I was with you. So that your brain will change and you'll be able to use all those good tools that you get from me, but also all the good tools that you get from a lot of other places. Because lots of people have great ideas for really good tools. Right? I just didn't want to only offer you more tools. I wanted to offer them in a way where your brain could change so you could actually use the tools. 

Robyn: It's exactly the reason why I created The Club and it's definitely exactly the reason why I created Being With. The program where I trained professionals to work with parents. Being with takes practice. Teeny, tiny micro moments of practice. It's so totally okay if it's hard for you, and it's okay if you fail, and even if you fail a lot. Remember, my husband gave me an F plus in being with him in his most desperate, out of control moments. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, and you're feeling a little bit shocked by that, head back a couple episodes ago and check out the episode about loving somebody with a neuro immune condition. He was my guest and we really got into, like, kind of, the intimate parts of the dysregulation and the intensity of big, baffling behaviors. And what does that like for him to live inside his brain that he has sometimes so little control over. And then I did a follow up episode about what is that like for me? Right? 

Robyn: So we- we lovingly graded me as getting an F plus in that- in that I am capable of being with him in his most dysregulated moments about 5% of the time. But you know what, hey 5%, that's better than 4%. And you know what my next goal is 6%. And you know what I need to prioritize the most in order to get to that 6%? What I need to prioritize is being with people who will be with me. 

Robyn: So it is my deepest hope that you can find these people. And if you need help finding these people, come join us over in The Club. If you're a professional, come join us over in Being With. And maybe in this moment, in this moment as you're listening to this podcast, notice I here I am being with you. And I will be with you again next week. So until then, may you find many micro moments of connection.