Feel Better, Even If Nothing Changes {EP 176}

Robyn: Sometimes we have episodes where we just talk about the science of things, and I help decode things through the lens of the neuroscience. Sometimes we have episodes that deep dive into tools and strategies and techniques and give you lots of practical ideas. And sometimes we have episodes where we pause to really reflect on our own experience and what's happening for us. And that's what we're going to do today by looking at this topic of is it possible to feel better even if my child's behavior doesn't change? Or maybe it feels a little easier to consider the question of, is it possible to feel better before my child's behavior changes? Because a lot of us, it feels like it's not possible. How could we ever possibly feel better if the chaos around us never ever, ever changes? So is it possible? Can we feel better? Even if the stress doesn't change? Or even before it does change? And the answer is theoretically, yes, it absolutely theoretically is possible. Is it possible for you specifically? I mean, again, theoretically, yes. But also, I know that every single one of you listening has life circumstances that I just know absolutely nothing about. I know some of you listening are in situations where nothing is going to change until somebody helps you. Your child is seriously and critically ill and maybe not physically. Maybe they don't have a diagnosis of cancer. But your child is ill. I mean, I think there's drawbacks looking at it that way. But I think there is something important about kind of looking at it in this way. Right? Looking at it as you're child being ill, looking at if your child needs medical attention, needs support?    

Robyn: Because kind of like how parenting doesn't cure cancer, right? For some of you parenting isn't even close to enough to heal the dysregulation in your child's nervous system. So I know we got to be careful about using words like ill. And what does that mean? And is there you know, ableism baked into that at all, I totally get all of that. And I also think that when we're parenting kids with nervous system struggles, we can more easily lose sight of the fact that your child needs help and your child needs possibly way more help than just shifting your parenting. It's not all on you. Alright, we've done a lot of episodes on this. And we've talked about the trauma of parenting kids with vulnerable nervous systems because of the reality that the support structures and the systems and the services that you need, aren't in place. So anyway, I don't want to really belabor that point any more than I already have. But I do want to make sure it's clear that I know that it is likely true that some of you are in situations where you probably aren't going to be able to feel much better until something changes for you until your family gets the support that you need. But I also know that for many, maybe even most of you listening, it's really important for you to hold on to the hope that you can in fact feel better, even if nothing changes, that you can in fact feel better, even before things do change. It's possible, like it really, truly is possible.   

Robyn: You know, if you've been listening to this podcast for any length of time that your chronic Watchdog or Possum states, right, your chronic activation, or your chronic shutdown, means that you're in chronic protection mode. And our nervous system decides if we should be in connection mode, or protection mode, by making sense of all the experiences that we are having right now in this moment. And kind of like combining that with info from the past. So it's like these two streams comes together the stream of the now and the stream of the past. And those two streams come together and create our own reality. I have a podcast episode all about that. It's called Connection Or Protection. I'll look for the the number or the link and I'll put it down in the show notes. Okay, actually, I pressed pause on recording, and went and looked. It's episode seven. I forgot. Y'all have I told you that I've hired a new director of operations, I hired a director operations, I've never had one before. So that she can focus on all of the operational tasks that are needed to get done, to get all this content to you, right? Lots and lots and lots of operational tasks that need to get done, so that you can get this podcast and you can get my emails and you can get my social media. But then of course, there's so many operational tasks that go into running the club, and running being with and I finally just kind of had to call uncle and say I cannot do all these operational tasks. Every day I used to wake up and be like, Oh my gosh, I'm a social worker, like I don't know how to do this stuff anymore. Right?    

Robyn: And so I hired this director of operations so that I now can really focus on the things that I love to do, podcasting, emailing, taking care of club members, you know, supporting my students, Being With, teaching and creating content, I get to do all that stuff. And my operations direction director gets to do other operational tasks. Why am I telling you this? Because we actually have a system in place where it's so easy now for me to just click click, and I can figure out what podcast episode it was that I'm talking about. And so I realized I can just pause and do that really quickly. So I paused. I went and looked. The episode of Connection Or Protection is episode seven, you have to scroll way back for that one.    

Robyn: So when folks, when kids, and adults find themselves living in chronic protection mode, part of what's happening is they don't just have like a stream of the past that combines with the stream of the now. Right? But the past becomes a tsunami. When we have nice integration of the stream of the past, and stream of the now, part of what's happening is like all of our past experiences are coming together with everything that's happening in the here and now and helping us understand and make sense of what's happening in the here now. So we're not constantly learning everything new, right? That'd be terrible. But when our past is kind of full of trauma, or toxic stress, or we find ourselves in chronic protection mode, that stream of the past becomes more like a tsunami of floods, it takes over the now. And all of that past of being unsafe, feels like we're unsafe now. So it doesn't matter if the now is safe. The tsunami of the past has us completely stuck in not safe. And it feels like we're not safe now, all the time. And we're stuck in protection mode. And that's what leads us to burnout, compassion, fatigue, blocked care, you know, feeling chronically Watch doggy and agitated and frustrated and irritated and mad about everything, okay? If you want to learn more about that, again, connection, how we create, like the streams of the past kind of come together to create our reality. Again, go back to episode seven, is also chapter two of my book, The Science Of Safety.    

Robyn: So you're stuck in a tsunami of the past? Y'all that past could be like yesterday, right? It doesn't have to mean like years and years ago, over and done with past trauma. The past is maybe yesterday. And there's this tsunami of the past that's full of like cues of danger and feeling danger, danger, danger, danger. And that past is leaving you super flooded by cues of danger and life threat in the here and now. And you're stuck in Watchdog or protection mode, right? Well, I'm sorry, Watchdog, or Possum mode, right? You're stuck in protection. And remember, we can come out of protection mode when there are enough cues of safety. So how can you come out of protection mode, if all around you there's chaos all around you, there's cues of danger. And that's not going to get better. There are three like buckets of safety. And if one bucket is like really full of danger, danger and not safe cues, then we kind of want to look at the other buckets and see if we can fill those with safety cues. So the three buckets of safety are inside; our inner world and our inner environment. Outside; what's happening in the outer environment, right? And then between; the relational space. Okay, three buckets of safety, our insides, our outsides and our in betweens. So when one bucket feels kind of impossible to change, we can fill the other buckets with cues of safety and perhaps tip the scale into connection mode.    

Robyn: So there's two ways to go about doing that. One way is to invite your mind to notice things that are good, or at least neutral. When we're stuck in protection mode. We're skipping all of that when we're stuck in protection mode. We are not noticing things that are good, or even neutral, we really are only noticing things that are bad, or paying attention to things that are bad. And we're overlooking all the things that are not bad. So right now, in this moment, I pause. And I looked around and I asked myself what's good in this moment? Well, it's spring. And sometimes spring days here in Michigan are terrible. But today, the spring day is fantastic. The sun is shining brilliantly. It's 60 degrees. Our days are getting longer and longer and longer. Like yesterday, I was noticing it was kind of still Twilight at 9pm. And I love that, I love the long days. Love, love, love them. We live so far north in the US that we get these like really long days in the summertime and I absolutely love it. So I noticed that. And then in my immediate line of sight, I can see a huge tree in my backyard that has burst open with like white blossoms and I think this just happened in the last day or so because I'm just really noticing it now. I have these Adirondack chairs, kind of right outside my office door, that are Michigan shaped, like the backs of them or Michigan shaped, like a mitten, you know. And I, y'all, wanted these Michigan adirondacks as I moved here, I have been like coveting these Michigan Adirondacks. And I finally bought them a year or two ago, I can't remember. And these Adirondacks, shaped like Michigan, bring me a relatively absurd amount of delight, given that they're chairs. And so they're right there see them? Let's see, well, I have a mug of coffee, of course. And, of course, it's also in a glitter mug. And also, that mug says, All of you is welcome.    

Robyn: Okay, so my point here was to pause and very deliberately scan my environment, scan the outside for cues of safety. And then to notice those, okay? Now, of course, pausing and noticing, and if you're in a spot where you can do that right now, I invite you did do that, of course, that might not be enough to help your nervous system tip over into safety, right? And certainly it might not be enough to have your nervous system tip over into safety overall, like I'm positive in the last 49 seconds, I did not cure your burnout, right? That simple noticing wasn't enough, but maybe it was enough for you to shift into safety for just a moment or two. And believe it or not, that's meaningful, it really does matter. So there are these things we can do ourselves to help when everything around us is chaotic, I got a billion podcast episodes about that. But I also want to teach you something that I teach my Being With students. So my Being With students are professionals who help parents of kids with big baffling behaviors, and some are therapists or mental health professionals, but some are working in different fields, some are parents themselves, some are educators, some are occupational therapists, with a wide variety of professionals and being with all of them share this passion for wanting to support the parents of the kids that they work with, wanting more skills and tools to be able to do that. And have more capacity to sit with the amount of dysregulation that the families we work with bring in.    

Robyn: And it can be really overwhelming for professionals to sit with parents whose lives are totally out of control. And these professionals know that the thing that parents need the most are things they can't really give them right? Things like true real boots on the ground stuff, like somebody to come in and be a second set of hands in your home. Like when your kid is raging, or you know, actual psychiatric psychopharmacological help, that actually helps, right? Or support at school, right? There's all these things that professionals really need, but they can't, they're not really in charge of giving them to you. So they can't, and that often can leave professionals feeling really helpless, and hopelessness. Right? So how do I help these professionals not collapse into that hopelessness themselves, because hopeless professionals either become like really hardened and cranky, and then frankly, not very helpful to you, or they quit their jobs, also not very helpful to you. So my job, my passion really is, 'How do I help there be more people who can help you?' So we start at the very beginning of Being With where we talk about this thing called the resonance circuitry, and I teach them how the resonance circuitry works. So very briefly, and very kind of oversimplified, but I think enough, resonance happens when two people come together. And we're seeing this happen in real life, right? People come together. But we can also see resonance in people coming together in virtual spaces. And actually even asynchronous spaces, like this podcast, or internet forums where like, You're not listening to me right now. You're gonna listen to me later. I mean, you're listening to me in your right now, but nobody's listening to me right now, as I'm recording this. I'm recording this now. And it's going to be listened to later. So that's asynchronous. Also, probably most of you and I, well, we're never going to meet.    

Robyn: But we can still come together and create that resonance. Right? So as you're listening now, you're probably developing a resonant space with me, it's a space where me and you come together, and we create a 'we.' And inside that resonant space, you then have a neural firing, that represents me, we don't have to be together, we don't have to even know each other, doesn't have to be one on one, you're listening to this podcast. And you are having a neural firing as your listening that represents me. And that's representing the safety and the relational connection that I'm bringing to you.   

Robyn: So over time that neural firing happens enough that eventually the neural firing doesn't even need me to be present to happen, meaning you think of me, or the things that I've told you, or the compassion that I've offered you or the felt sense of that compassion. Even when you're not listening to this podcast, right? It's like, you hold it in mind, you can bring it to mind, even when you're not immediately experiencing it. That means that the neural firing has happened enough that you can bring it to mind, even if it's not happening. That neural firing of safety and connection that's happened for me and you can happen, even when I'm not there. Now, those external cues of safety, 'me,' right? I've been an external cue of safety as you've listened to this podcast. Now, as you listen enough, and there's now like a neural pattern of the connection and co-regulation you get from this podcast in your mind. Now, what was external cues of safety are also now internal cues of safety. And that's a bucket of safety, right? Inside, Outside, Between. Now, that sense of connection and co-regulation is something you have with you all this time. Now, I talked about me specifically here just to make this easier to explain. And because if you're hearing me talk, it's because you're listening to the podcast and that's a really good, easy example. You know, for me to draw on.    

Robyn: Let's go back now to my being with students. I teach them that even if they feel like they have no tools or techniques to offer to a family, when they're feeling overwhelmed and they're like, oh my gosh, there's nothing I can do to help these people, or when they're feeling kind of out of their league, right? Or they're just feeling aware of the fact, that like, wow, what this family needs, I certainly can't give them, I don't even know what this family needs exists. Right? I teach them that when they're feeling that way, they can be someone who is with that family. With y'all, those of you listening, with safety, connection and co-regulation, even if they don't have a tool or technique. They can be with you with the safety, connection and co-regulation. Because then eventually the family that they're with, the parents they're with, the caregivers they're with, eventually are having neural firings of safety, connection, co-regulation, while they're with, you know, the helper, the helper who is my Being With student, right? And that those are between cues of safety, external cues of safety. And eventually, those cues of safety from my Being With student become internalized by the professional, I'm sorry, become internalized by the caregiver. And now the caregiver starts to make- that's you listening, starts to essentially, like, have a neural firing in their mind of the professional who's been supporting them.    

Robyn: So again, that external cue of safety has now become an internal cue of safety. So we're building the bucket of internal cues of safety. Right and when this happens repeatedly, it becomes a neural firing that's strong enough that it's available. It's available to their clients. Even when they're not with their client, their client can draw them to mind. I really been bouncing around between pronouns here. I hope this is making sense to y'all. Right? That this is how the parents I work with, this is how you listening, start to feel better, even before anything in your life, even before the chaos changes, that you have the opportunity to be with somebody who offers you connection, and co-regulation. And eventually that person becomes like embedded inside your neurobiology and becomes internal cues of safety. This puts a lot of like drops of safety, I got to think about it like that, into both the between bucket and the inside bucket of safety. And that might just help you, the parent, or caregiver, cal, that tsunami of danger, danger, danger, and be able to hang onto your Owl brain just a little bit longer. Experience safety if you are in fact, actually safe. If you've listened to this podcast, you know that I don't want you to try to like trick yourself into being safe if you're not safe. Right? If you're physically in danger, let your Watchdog or your Possum brain do its job. But if you're safe in this moment, but your fried nervous system has you feeling like you're in danger. This is how we start to shift that. And yes, those of us that have the privilege of safety available to us. And not all of us do I have an older episode about the privilege of safety.   

Robyn: That's episode 169. See, I just went to check episode 169. Parenting with safety and parenting this way without question is a privilege, meaning it's not something we all have. We don't all have enough felt safety to be able to parents this way. And that's not because you're doing it wrong. Right? It's because we live in a culture and in a society where felt safety isn't a given, it's not a guarantee. So it is possible. It is theoretically possible to feel better, even before things change. And even if nothing changes, please, please do please do not shame yourself. If you can't figure out a way to simply just feel better. Because I said it's theoretically possible to feel better. Okay, just because I said it's theoretically possible doesn't mean that if you can't feel better, that somehow that's your fault, or you're doing it wrong. That's not the intention at all. Please, please, please don't take it that way. You're doing nothing wrong. I want to give you hope, not shame me if you can't achieve it. Right?    

Robyn: This is a topic we talk about a lot around here. I have my previous nervous system fried, is your nervous system fried or what to do if your nervous system was fried? I don't know what I called it. That's episode 139. I also have a really fun little infographic that goes along with it so you can scroll back to Episode 139. And in the show notes, there should be a link to get that infographic if you don't have it. If you're on my email list on April 21, that was a Sunday, I sent out an email with a list of podcast episodes that are helpful specifically for burned out parents. And if you're listening to this episode, and you're in the club, I've also posted that over in the club. To summarize everything we've talked about here in today's episode, there are things you can do to help yourself feel better. Find safety without relying on anyone else, or having money or resources or free time, there are things you could do that would help your nervous system feel safe, when it is safe. Didn't hash that all out or give you tons of examples but I did direct you to a few places, like that nervous system is fried episode, I think I just said that was 139, you can go to chapter 11 in my book, if you got my email on Sunday, April 21, you can go there, if you're in the club, you can go and look at that list of podcast episodes for burned out parents.    

Robyn: So there's things you can do yourself. And there are things you can do that involves taking in cues of safety from relationship, and taking in the cues from the 'between' from outside of yourself. Because eventually those become cues of safety internally, those folks that you turn to for connection and co-regulation, those folks start to live in your mind. So if you've read Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, think it's in chapter 10, where Nat says that she's starting to hear my voice in her head. And that's the moment I know that she's beginning to build a nice, strong neural network of me in her mind, of safety and connection. And y'all, that's good! And it doesn't have to be me. But I want it to be someone, I want you to have a neural network of someone in your mind, of safety and connection. And if it gets to be me, because of the podcast or because of the book or because you're in the club, super fantastic. But if it's not me, it's someone else, that's super fantastic, of course, wonderful! This neurobiology and the resonance circuitry, it is literally the reason I started this podcast, because I know how the resonance circuitry works. And I knew I could begin to offer some co-regulation to people all around the whole world through a podcast. And it's why I wrote the book the way that I wrote it, because I thought it could happen that way, too. It wasn't totally sure. But I thought that it could and y'all are telling me that that is happening. That you are feeling better, feeling more seen, feeling connection, experiencing the co-regulation through written words. And y'all that is mind blowing, it's remarkable. Right? just remarkable. And it's definitely why I created the club, for that connection and co-regulation.    

Robyn: I mean, some folks join the club and they just read the forum and they watch the videos. That's their level of involvement, that's perfect for them. You know, some folks join the club, and they're like really active in the forum. And they are giving and receiving connection and co-regulation. Some folks join the club, and they mostly are just receiving connection, co-regulation from the forum. Right? That's great too! Some folks have the capacity to show up in the forum and offer that connection and co-regulation. That's awesome too because actually, it's really healing for us to offer connection and co-regulation to others. Some folks come to the live events and have the opportunity to interact with me live like in person, right? They're virtual but they're live. We start to create stronger and stronger and stronger neural nets of safety because of our resonance with one another. Right? The club members with me, and me with them. And most magically, y'all is them with each other. The way that parents show up for one another in the club is so magical. I'm talking about the club, because that's the thing, of course I have the most familiarity with right? That's where I am every single day. It's one option. And I think it works somewhat because I've been so strategic and deliberate about a few things that create relational safety. But the club is far from the only option.    

Robyn: There are other forums, there's other groups, there's other podcasts, there's other places in an asynchronous or in a virtual way, like podcasts or forums. But also, of course, like support groups live or, or therapy, or pair coaching, there's so many ways that you can seek out connection, and co-regulation. I've created what I've created, because I also know that so many folks, they don't have anywhere to turn to. Right? And so I've attempted to fill some of that gap with what I do with the podcast and the book and the club. But regardless of where you get that connection and co-regulation, the connection and co-regulation matters. These moments of connection, even with a stranger podcast host that you might not ever meet. They really really matter. That's resonance. Those cues of safety have eventually become embedded in our own nervous system and are always there. When we can turn those cues from the outside- I'm sorry, we can turn to those cues. Turn to those cues from the outside, turn to those cues from the inside. And that's kind of like a buy one, get one free, it's like a two for one special. So those outside cues of safety that you're getting from somebody you get connection and co-regulation from, they eventually become internal ones. And now we've like doubled those cues of safety. So yes, you can feel better. I'm not guaranteeing it. And I'm certainly not guaranteeing the timeline. Of course, there are things going on in your life I couldn't possibly fathom. That could be real barriers for your nervous system shifting into feeling safe. But it is technically physiologically possible. And I hope that feels hopeful to you.    

Robyn: If you're new to the podcast, I hope you keep coming back, keep, you know, keep pressing play, if you're brand new, there's 175 episodes that you can get through before a new episode comes out next week. And right now we're also releasing replays on Fridays, I'm gonna keep that up for as long- as long as I can manage, there's that there's a little tiny bit of work that goes into doing, you know, getting those replays ready. But you all are telling me you're liking it. So I'm going to keep that up for the immediate future. Because of this, because the more opportunities you have for resonance with connection corelation, the better. And I wish you could come here, I wish you could be here with me. And I wish we could do that one on one. And I wish we could do that in person. And I also am so grateful that these opportunities exist, that I can offer this to so many folks, so many folks that otherwise don't have anywhere to turn to, for this connection and for this co-regulation. So keep coming back to the podcast. Signup to get my emails, I usually send twice a week. So that's another dose of connection and co-regulation for you. You can follow me on social media, you can go to my free resources page and like stock up on all the free resources that are available. And if it feels like it would be helpful for you, you can come and join the club. The club is not always open for new members, but check when it is, the club's open for new members, April 30 through May 3. So that might be when you're listening to this episode that might be in the past and it's not currently open. But come and check RobynGobbel.com/theclub to see if we're open or put yourself on the waiting list to be notified the next time we are open.    

Robyn: Alright, y'all, I will be back with you again next Tuesday for another new episode of The Baffling Behavior Show and another opportunity for us to have a resonance and that connection and that co-regulation. I'll be back with you next week. Bye bye!