What’s The Connected Response To Difficult Behaviors? {EP 181}

Robyn: A lot of folks not all by any means, but a lot of folks, what I have found, are asking this question, and hoping to find out how they can respond to legitimately challenging behaviors that does need to be responded to and boundaried. A lot of folks are hoping that if we can take a quote-unquote, connected response, that that's going to be the path to minimizing or eliminating a child's like upset or distressed or dysregulated, or frankly, just mad response, right? Like, there's just some magical way that if we find a perfect way to respond, that's going to eliminate our kids, you know, having a legitimate emotional experience and responding to us in a mad way. And I tell you, what, y'all, I resonate with this kind of hope and desire. I think I've talked about it on the podcast before but you know, there's many situations where I have to pause and get really honest with myself, that part of what has really attracted did me to relational neuroscience and seeing behavior in a new way, and to learning about co-regulation, connection and felt safety. So much of what has attracted me to this science is this sometimes quiet, sometimes not so quiet, like real desire to still just find another way to interact with people in a way that's going to decrease their distress. It's kind of another way I've practice people pleasing, you know, being in relationship with people and having them be upset or mad at me, or frustrated, is exceptionally uncomfortable. I mean, this is my work, this is my journey. Like how can I increase my tolerance for handling upset feelings, distressed feelings in other people. So anyway, my point is, like, I get this desire, oftentimes unconscious, of trying to figure out the quote-unquote, right way to respond to somebody underneath that, quote-unquote, right way to respond to somebody's desire, really is a desire to eliminate or reduce that other person's distress.    

Robyn: So that then becomes all about me, right? Like, I am actually thinking much more about how do I keep myself comfortable, as opposed to how do I respond in a way that is honoring of that other person's humanity. And that is making an attempt at meeting or offering up in a way to meet their actual real need, you know, whatever was underneath that behavior. So that's how we're actually going to define, quote-unquote, in a connected way. Connected response means responding to a behavior in a way, that is just implicitly recognizing that the child or whoever it is we're responding to, is not their behavior, right? That we can keep those two pieces separate, that our kids are always precious and wonderful. And sometimes, and maybe even a lot of the time, their behavior is not, but that they're separate, right? A connected response means recognizing that the behaviors emerging from a lack of regulation, or connection, or felt safety, or some combination of the three, having a connected response means seeing our kids for who they really, truly are, and for attempting to meet the need underneath the behavior. Now, sometimes the need is some sort of concrete thing, like they need somebody to eat, right? Because their blood sugar has crashed. And this is causing a lot of cues of danger, flooding them from their internal world. And these internal cues of danger are flipping their nervous system into protection mode. And the way we would invite their Owl brain back is to kind of stabilize their physiology, which would then decrease the cues of safety that they're getting from their inner world, there's a very concrete need there. And I have an entire series on kind of brainstorming the felt safety need.I have a felt safety series, there's an episode on internal cues, like I just talked about, like being hungry having to go to the bathroom, being ill, having a neuro immune disorder, or an allergy or inflammation or things like that. Those are ways that we're, you know, nuerocieving cues of danger from our internal world. And therefore, sometimes the need, we can actually identify something very specific and concrete. There's also an episode on felt safety from the external world, right? Like from the environment and an episode on felt safety from the relational experience. I'll make sure the links to those three episodes make it into the show notes. There episodes 161, 162, and 163. So yes, sometimes the need is specific and if we can find out what the need is and address that golden, okay, that's the connected response then, right?    

Robyn: But sometimes the need is really ambiguous, right? And if we have to kind of pull back and realize even if we can't figure out the very specific need, the need is always increased regulation, connection to you or to themselves, or felt safety, okay. So a connected response then definitely does not mean finding a response that won't upset your child. Y'all, even a response that won't leave your child feeling ashamed. 

Robyn: Your job is to respond in a way that recognizes your child as this precious child who's really, really, really struggling. And your job is to do that as often as you can not every single time. So please don't hear me when I say like that, your job is to respond in a way that can see your child for who they really are. And also that they're really struggling and need support. You know, when you recognize that like, 'I don't that all the time?' Well, yeah, no one does, I promise you, no one does. And the reason you're even here listening to this podcast is we want to do that more often. We to do that more often. We don't- we're not aiming for perfection here. Okay, so your job is to respond in a way that recognizes your child, as a precious child who's really struggling, your job is to not deliberately shame them. What your job isn't, is to control how they feel. We can never control how someone receives us. And we can't control, if the way we respond, is going to activate some of the shame circuitry in your kid, we just can't control that. We can do our best to not overtly shame our kids. But sometimes, our response that's focused on regulation, connection, and felt safety, and possibly shifting up the boundaries a little for our kids so that they can be more successful in the future. Oftentimes, that is actually going to activate some shame neural networks in your kid. And we can't control that. And it's actually not great to try to control it or try to avoid that, all we can do, all we can control, is how we're responding. So if you're responding in a way, where your intention isn't to shame, that's all we can do. A connected response doesn't mean that your child doesn't feel shame and connect your response doesn't mean that your child's not upset or just regulated by how you respond.    

Robyn: Chapter Nine, in Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors is, 'What To Do When The Owl Brain Returns.' And that's when people generally are asking something like how do I respond in a connected way? That's usually a question about what to do after, not in the middle of the dysregulated behavior. I mean, think about it like this, by the time somebody is really asking, well, especially me, by the time somebody is asking me, what's the connected way to respond? We're not in the middle of a behavior, right? That is after. And they're coming to me for some support on kind of like the, now what? The incidents over, the crisis is over. Now, what do I do? Okay, so this episode, I'm not talking about what to do in the moment of a behavior that is out of, you know, out of control, that is dysregulated. Right? That's, that's not what I'm talking about. In this episode. What I'm talking about is this question that so many folks asked, which is, again, like that, now what, like, what do I do now, that this behavior is over? Like, how do I respond to this? Right? This question, always, always, always involves considering, what does your child need for the future for their quote-unquote, success to be inevitable? And I use that language a lot. I use it in the book, I say it on the podcast, I talk it about a lot in the club. What does your child need for their success to be inevitable? If you're hearing me say that for the first time, I want to give you this quick little caveat. I'm not actually proposing that as parents, our job is to figure out ways for our kids success to become inevitable and have their success we always happening and possible, because that's not normal.     

Robyn: Like that's not what being human is. It's a thought experiment, where we pause and ask ourselves literally that question, What will my child need in the situation for their success to be absolutely inevitable? And that thought experiment often helps give us some information about where your child needs some support, around regulation or connection or felt safety. And yes, sometimes the answer to that question is absolutely something we should try to implement because we want to help our kids be successful. And quote-unquote successful, isn't it what society thinks is successful, successful for me is regulated, connected, and experiencing felt safety. Successful to me is they spend more time than not in their Owl brain in their Owl pathway. Okay, that's what success means to me. So what is our- what do our kids need for their success to be inevitable? That might look like what I call decreasing the distance, right? That we kind of keep our kids closer to us, we stay more physically present. So we can offer more active co-regulation, or passive co-regulation to and if you're wondering the difference between active and passive co-regulation, you can head to the, 'What Does Co-regulation Really Look Like?' episode, which is episode 81.    

Robyn: So decreasing the distance, maybe we need to tighten up some boundaries, in a way that our kids are gonna feel like it's a punishment. But it's not a punishment. So how do we tell the difference between decreasing the distance,tightening up boundaries and increasing the scaffolding our kids need? Right, like setting them up for success? How do we tell the difference between that and a punishment? Well, I also have a podcast episode on that. Well, I actually have a whole podcast series all about that. And it's all about boundaries. Right? That, for example, grounding a child from something that they really like- I have a young adult in the house, right? Like, I think it would be very common to respond to some kind of dysregulated behavior with, you know, decreasing or even eliminating access to drive a car, right? And when is that a boundary versus when is that a punishment? Well, it's a punishment when it's arbitrary, right? Like, you're grounded from the car for two weeks, that's arbitrary, that's really intended to kind of cause some distress or some pain, right? And whereas, if the behavior I'm responding to- the negative behavior I'm responding to has something to do as being unsafe in the car, then I'm going to kind of restrict- I'm going to restrict access to the car. But I'm not going to do it for an arbitrary period of time, I'm going to do it until I've seen some evidence that the skills that are needed to safely operate the car have been acquired or achieved, right? Driving an automobile, it requires a lot of responsibility requires a lot of capacity to be in the Owl brain.    

Robyn: And so if there's been a behavior that suggests, Ooh, driving the car, my child's driving the car, when they're not spending a lot of time in the Owel brain, I'm not going to restrict access to the car for some arbitrary period of time, that would be a punishment. I'm going to restrict access to the car until my child can show that they've increased, you know, their Owl brain, and I'm going to help scaffold them for them. Does that make sense? Kind of the difference between a boundary versus a punishment? And how it could be the same response? Right, so the connected response is, What does my child need for the success to be inevitable? Well, first of all, they need less access to driving the car by themselves, because clearly, that's unsafe. And then what do they need for me to help scaffold up their ability to use the car? That's the connected response, as opposed to restricting access for an arbitrary period of time, which is intended to be more like a punishment more like- again, it's a way of of causing some emotional pain, in hopes that they'll change their behavior. Do you see the difference there? Again, I have a whole series about boundaries, and the difference between boundaries and punishment, and that series starts back at episode 111. Okay, so one way to think about what the connected responses is, is to think about the difference between boundaries, decreasing the different scaffolding, and punishment.    

Robyn: Another thing to keep in mind is when responding to a behavior is what repairs are needed. Right? In this behavior we're responding to in our kid where somebody else's boundaries violated, right? Was something stolen? Or hurt or damaged? Was somebody hurt? Right? How does the person whose boundaries are violated? How do they get some amends made? Right? And what's your child's capacity to participate? And that making amends? So for example, your child's stole something from someone, ideally, some repair would that person would be made? Would your child be the one to make the overt repair? You know, is the item available? Can it be returned? How do you help your child with that? How do you support them through that these nuanced questions are really going to depend on your child's level of stress tolerance and what they can manage. We talk sometimes on this podcast about the difference between hard and too hard for your child. And I learned that language from Amanda Diekman, who was on the podcast. Last year, we talked about low demand parenting, what's the difference between hard and too hard? Is it going to be hard for your child to return what was stolen or make amends or talk to this person or figure out a plan, you know, to kind of, make the amends? Or is it going to be too hard for your child to do that, and they're gonna collapse into shame, or they're gonna go to their like, attack Watchdog when being asked to make the repair. And so repairs are important. And we want to ask ourselves, what's our child's capacity? You know, where's the difference between hard and too hard? We have to set the bar for the repair, the same way we set the bar for anything else, right? Is that stress manageable? If it's not manageable, then we're just setting our kids up for failure, and we're not helping them grow their stress response system. Right?    

Robyn: Is it stressful? Which means uncomfortable, but manageable, then we want to support our kids in taking those steps and then making that repair? Let's say you've discovered they've broken a rule or they've snuck out, or they went somewhere. When they told you they were going somewhere else, right? And they did this like deceitfully. Like they knew that you wouldn't say yes. So they lied, right? So what's the connected response to something like that? The connected response simply just means that we stay as regulated as possible. Consider what our kids needs are, right? Like what went on there? What's going on? What lead to that behavior? And then put into place what they need in order to be more successful next time. So do we ground them from maybe leaving the house or going to their friend's house? Well, you might decide that until they have a stronger Owl brain and can cooperate with the rules, even when they aren't with you, that they can't hang out unsupervised with friends. That isn't grounding them, right? Grounding usually has some sort of arbitrary endpoint. Right? We're not grounding, we're renegotiating the boundaries. And renegotiating boundaries means doing so until they're Owl brain grows. And this new boundary is intended to help their Owl brain grow. Punishment rarely helps an Owl brain grow. Because punishment is almost always accompanied by resentment, or shame or fear. So while it's possible, that punishment might prevent a behavior from happening again, it won't be because the Owl brain grew.    

Robyn: Now, I also understand that some of you have circumstances, and some of you are parenting kids, where the behavior is so dangerous, that punishment and using a response that is going to rely on fear to get that behavior to stop, punishment might feel justified. And I have no opinion on that one way or the other. That I know that some folks are parenting kids, where they need to figure out how to make this behavior stop right now, and I have no judgment or thoughts or opinions about that in any way. I also know, I've worked with a lot of families who it can feel like we need this behavior to stop right now. But actually, we could open went up our own capacity to offer co-regulation, connection and felt safety, which means it might not stop right now, it might continue longer than we wish. But we're going to be working on kind of the underlying problem instead of just getting the behavior to stop. And it can feel like we need a behavior to stop right now. And again, sometimes that is 100%, 100% true. But sometimes we feel like we need to behaviors to stop right now and it's because we're so stuck in protection mode, that there's this sense of frantic urgency. And if we can take a breath, if we can, you know, get a moment of regulation, we can pause and see, well, I yes I'd really like this behavior to stop right now. But actually, it could be safe enough to explore responding with regulation, connection, and felt safety, instead of punishment and fear, so that we can support, again, what's underneath the behavior, what's underneath the problem.    

Robyn: Now, to be clear, a connected response does not mean a response, where your child remains regulated, where your child is happy, where your child is, like, Well, gee, thanks, I really appreciate that new boundary you've given me, right? When kids are upset at a new boundary, and it feels to them like a punishment, your job isn't necessarily to change that. Your job is to ask yourself, if you implemented it like a punishment, and if you didn't, then you can feel confident, and allowing your child to have their feelings of being mad at you, or feeling like they're being punished, of feeling like they're being shamed, they can have those feelings. And you can offer co-regulation to them. You can support them, co-regulate them to their feelings, that doesn't mean doing something different to prevent them from having those feelings. Like, let's say you're taking your young kid on a firehouse field trip, and your kids being super disruptive, and you're experimenting different ways to help them be more regulated. But they're being really disruptive to the all the other kids, and you know, to the grownups who are creating this experience for these kids. And you may decide that ultimately, the best choice is for you to leave the field trip, right? Because everything you're trying to support regulation for your kid is not really helping. Which what we are understanding through all of this is that your child's in an environment that's too much for them, right? If your attempts of co-regulation aren't, you know, helping them be more regulated, they're in an environment that's too much for them. And so the connected response is to leave, and the connector response is to leave, even if your child is really mad about it.    

Robyn: This isn't a punishment. This is helping remove them from a situation that's just clearly too much for them. They're gonna be upset. And you offer co-regulation through that. Let's say you find out your kid took your friend's iPad, right? And they're telling you Oh, look, look what I found. I found a brand new iPad so were right insert, random iPad for anything your child has told you they just found somewhere, but you suspect they probably took from somewhere. Right? I mean, in an ideal world, and I get that this isn't always possible. But in ideal world, the iPads gotta get back to their friend. So you'll have to decide what your child has capacity for? Will, they deny it. Then don't ask I mean, if you know this is your friend's iPad meaning like their parent called you and said, Hey, my kids missing their iPad, it looks like this. And you're like, well, what a coincidence, my kid acquired an iPad that looks just like that. Right? Don't ask, right? If you're confident they're going to deny it. They just don't ask. And are they going to be too dysregulated either, Watchdog or Possum pathway to return it to their friend themselves, then you can do it for them. Right? If this is a close friend, maybe their parents will support you by providing more supervision when your kids hang out together in the future. But if this isn't a family you have a relationship with then you're probably, well one looking at a family who might be pretty mad and not very understanding and not want your child to come over. Again, that is their boundary to set, and their right to set. But if they aren't upset and they would still be willing to have your child come over, you are probably gonna have to reconsider if your child can spend time at that person's house. Because what your child is letting you know by taking something that doesn't belong to them, is they need more adult co-regulation to be able to have a strong enough Owl brain to withstand the temptation to take something they really want, but that doesn't belong to them. Right? So we have to, you know, be reminding ourselves always to ask, why did this challenging behavior happen?   

Robyn: Again, if it's stealing, go back and check out the stealing episode, which is episode 138. Or go to episode 9, where I talk about what trust is and what trust isn't. And if you're often feeling like, you really just can't trust your kid, what might actually be going on is that you really need to increase co-regulation in them right that like, if you have a child who feels like the second you turn your back or the second, you're not supervising, they're doing the very thing you've told them not to do. That's really not about trust, that's about a lack of internalized co-regulation, so that they can stay really fully grounded in their our brain. And, you know, have kind of pro social behaviors, ie not violating other people's boundaries and taking things that don't belong to you. Right, when they aren't, you know, directly with you. If your intention when asking the question, what's the quote-unquote connected response? Really is, 'How do I respond with regulation, connection and felt safety, seeing my child for who they are, and honors helping them develop what they need to be more successful in the future?' Then I actually want to invite you to give yourself some more time to let yourself answer that question.    

Robyn: Most parents I know, find that when they give themselves ample time to fully return to their own Owl brain, they end up kind of answering that question themselves, like reaching their own conclusion, which is my absolute, deepest hope, right? The whole point of this podcast and the whole point of Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, well, there's a lot of points. But one is to offer you some of the why behind the behavior, some of the neuroscience in child development, to offer you the things that I've spent my life studying that you didn't, you don't have time for that, to offer you some of that. And for you to take that and apply it to your very unique child. And really, the only way you're going to do that effectively, is by waiting until your Owl brain comes back, man. That's just how- that's just how it works. Right? I know that so many of you listening. And so many of you in the club, tell me that listening to the podcast or being in community, like the club or you know, all those kinds of things, help you grow your Owl brain. So that you can take all of this information and then actually apply it remember, you're our brain is not just about where the information is stored. The whole brain is about staying in connection mode, you know, staying regulated, not calm, in the face of some of this very, very baffling behavior. And so my entire intention when I create podcasts, or I wrote the book for you, or when I created the club, was to create, you know, opportunities, not for you just to learn ideas, right? But to grow your own Owl brain, and eventually, turn the trust back to yourself. As your Owl brain grows, you can trust yourself more. And as you understand more about the neuroscience of behavior, you can connect that up with everything you know about your very unique child. And probably you'll be able to start answering that question yourself. What's the connected response?    

Robyn: Now, I do absolutely know that for so many of us, this is a very counterintuitive way of parenting. It makes a lot of sense that you need some help answering the, what's the connected response question. Of course, of course, that's why I do what I do. But also know that the more you connect with your child in this way, the more you connect with yourself in this way, the more intuitive it is going to become. So if you still are like no, no, I actually do need the answer to that question. I really do actually need to know what is the connected response? You're not doing anything wrong. You're just still in the space where your Owl brain is really, really growing and you're kind of making your own new neural pathways to help kind of shift your own approach away from a punishment driven model or a behavior-modification-driven model to trusting in our kids inherent goodness, and if they're in their Owl brain. And if they're experiencing connection regulation and felt safety, they're going to have behaviors that support and invite connection. That's really how the nervous system works.    

Robyn: Alright, y'all, if you've been a longtime listener, and the podcast is helping you, and you haven't had a moment to leave a quick rating, or review about the podcast, about the Baffling Behavior Show, it'd be so so, so grateful for you, a rating- leaving a rating takes like, one second to do. If you have 10 seconds, and you want to leave a review as well, on a platform that, you know, allows for reviews like Apple, I'd be so grateful for that, it really is the number one way to help other folks find this podcast. Like when podcasts are recommended, you know, in that like, Oh, if you liked XYZ podcast, you'll also like this one, right? Podcasts get recommended based on, you know, ratings and reviews. And so helping other folks find the science of regulation, connection, and felt safety, is influenced on leaving ratings and reviews.   

Robyn: Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, if you found it helpful, or if you've ever said something positive about it to anyone. It would be awesome if you went over and said that on Amazon. Same y'all though, like the way the world works these days, and the way algorithms work, just the way things work these days, ratings and reviews are super crucial. And the more folks who discover the science of behavior, the more folks who discover how to support our kids with these baffling behaviors, and ways of regulation, connection, and felt safety, the easier your job gets, right? The more we can create, like a culture of regulation, connection and health safety, the less hard you'll have to work with educating other folks. And oh my gosh, can you imagine if that was kind of our cultural approach to behavior. We'd also, all of us parenting kids with baffling behaviors be more regulated, because we would be sitting in a culture that was more regulated. So the more folks who can be exposed to these ideas, the better for all of us, ratings or reviews of the podcast and the book. Number one way to do that, too. I'd be so so grateful for that! Alright, y'all, I will be back with you here next week with another episode of The Baffling Behavior Show. Have an awesome week. Bye bye!