Teach Siblings about Owls, Watchdogs, and Possums… Without Excusing! {EP 187}

Robyn: If the other kids in your home or in your family are feeling as though their sibling is being parented in a way that's not fair, and you haven't heard last week's episode, I want to invite you to press pause on this one and go back and listen to the episode that aired last week. We went through the five things that the kids in your family will benefit from if they feel like their siblings are getting unfair parenting. Number one, we want to make sure that we're applying the ideas that we're learning here about behavior and what behavior really is- we're applying those ideas broadly, and not just to the child in our home that has big, baffling behaviors, but that these ideas about behavior we're applying to everyone. Number two, we want to make sure the siblings in our home and our actual kid with big, baffling behaviors, but definitely their siblings as well, understand about the brain and the brain behavior connection and about the Owl, Watchdog, and Possum brain and pathways. And frankly, Owls, Watchdogs, Possums, or some other metaphor, to help kids understand what's happening in the brain and in the nervous system. I don't have a preference. I obviously like Owls, Watchdogs, and Possums, but if something else resonates with you and your kid, then by all means, do what works in your family.    

Robyn: Number three, what the third thing I asked you to consider, if you have a kid who is feeling as though their sibling is being parented an unfair way, is, do they not only know about their brain and the nervous system, but do they understand about vulnerable nervous systems? Do they understand what it means to have an overactive Watchdog brain and overactive Possum brain? The fourth thing is, do the other kids in your home, believe that you understand how hard it is to be the sibling and number five. Have you helped the other kids in your home understand or own- own their story about being the sibling of a child with a pretty serious behavioral special need, and then had space to grieve that story.    

Robyn: So we kind of reviewed those five, and obviously many of them deserve their own deeper dive. So today's episode, we're deep- deeper diving into, how can we teach our siblings, the siblings of our kids with big, baffling behaviors about their Owl, Watchdog and Possum brain how do we teach them about overactive Watchdog brains and overactive Possum brains, and how do we do this in a way that isn't give the impression that we're excusing the behavior? Yeah, and sometimes the very scary, very dangerous behavior of the child in your home who has a vulnerable nervous system, who has those big, baffling behaviors. There's a couple other podcast resources I want you to know about. I'm going to put these links in the show notes. I have an episode that's just kind of a generic can we teach kids about their brain? Can we teach kids about Owls, Watchdogs, and Possums? So I'm going to link to that in the show notes. That was episode 114, then I have another episode that addresses what to do if your child, whether it's your child with big, baffling behaviors, or the other children in your home, what to do if your children won't talk about the brain or won't talk about Owls,Watchdogs, or Possums, or really hates that metaphor, and that is episode 160.    

Robyn: Again, I'll make sure this gets in the show notes. You don't have to remember that, but for basic how to teach kids about their brain and what to do if they won't teach when they won't learn about it or they won't talk about it. You can head back to those two episodes.    

Robyn: I also talk about teaching kids about their Owl, Watchdog and Possum brain in Chapter Nine of Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors. So you can head straight to chapter nine if it works better for you to read about some of these ideas. And I do have a workshop that I teach, usually about once a year, about how to teach kids about their Owl, Watchdog and Possum brain. I'll probably teach it in August. I taught it last August, so it's tentatively planned for this August, but it is really not set in stone yet. Of course, if you listen to the podcast, you get my emails, you'll hear about that workshop, and if you're in the club, know that workshop, the recording of that workshop is stored in the video library in the club, so you can head over to the, on-demand video library and watch the, 'teach your kids about the brain video', and then get all the resources that go along with it if you're listening and you are a Club member. So for basic teach kids about the brain ideas, those are resources I'm going to send you to.    

Robyn: So I touched on in last week's episode that it's really important that your whole family kind of has a stance or an attitude about behaviors, and not just the behaviors of your child with big, baffling behaviors, but the behaviors of everybody, like an understanding of humans that is in alignment with what's underneath the theory of Owls, Watchdogs and Possums. So these ideas that everyone's you know, always doing the best that they can all behavior makes sense. No behavior is maladaptive. Those kinds of ideas, we want to make sure that they're being applied broadly, not just to the child in your family who has big, baffling behaviors. And then in addition to that, we want to make sure we're communicating to our kids that everyone has an Owl, Watchdog and Possum brain. And here's the really important piece, not only does everyone have an Owl, Watchdog and Possum brain, but Watchdogs and Possums are not bad. We're not trying to get rid of the Watchdog and the Possum brain. We need them. They not only keep us safe from danger, and we all need that, but when we are feeling safe, Watchdogs are playful and Possums are snuggly. I explored that concept in depth very recently. It was just episode 178.   

Robyn: And it might sound like an unimportant nuance, but it's actually an extremely important nuance. We are not trying to get rid of Watchdogs and Possums, right? We want to help Watchdogs and Possums feel safe when they are safe, and we want to help Owl brains grow, if we want the other children in our home to not be feeling resentful or like their sibling with bad behaviors is getting special treatment, it is so crucial that we embrace this theory very widely and broadly and we apply across the board, all of these concepts. It's very normal for parents or other adults to worry that when we teach kids, whether it be our child with big, baffling behaviors, or other kids about the brain, about the nervous system, that we're teaching them to excuse the behavior, right? And so it's normal to have some fear that if we teach their siblings about this, that we are unintentionally implying that we're excusing the behavior, or we're unintentionally implying that we want the siblings to have, like pity for their sibling, and I get that that is a big fear, and I also get that that might actually even be true in your family, like you might be in the stage of teaching the other kids in your family about Owls, Watchdogs and Possums, and they might be in the stage of thinking you're excusing bad behavior, or even slipping into being feeling pity for their sibling. And what I want to offer up in response to that, is that that stage of excusing, that stage of pity, is just a stage, okay? It's just a part of the journey. And I address that in the book as well.    

Robyn: We're not going to get stuck there. Think of it like a pit stop that you have to take on a road trip. Like you can't avoid it. You have to make the stop, but you're not going to get stuck there, excusing and pity come from protection mode, whereas compassion comes from connection mode. So the more we continue to just focus on overall regulation, connection and felt safety, connecting with our kids who are the siblings, validating them, being with them. You know, helping them feel really seen and known in their experience, the more they're going to come into connection mode, and the more they're going to be able to shift out of seeing Owls, Watchdogs and Possums as just an excuse or as something to pity their sibling for. The most important thing to do here with helping the siblings in your family understand Owls, Watchdogs and Possums and understand it through the lens of like kind of empowerment as opposed to excusing, is to be modeling that. We want to make sure that you and the other grown ups in your home or in your family, or in close relationship with your family, that you aren't excusing the bad behavior.    

Robyn: Now I do have a podcast about the difference between understanding behavior and excusing bad behavior, and that's episode 109, now I also know that a lot of you listening have nervous systems yourself that are kind of stuck in protection mode and are feeling really burned out, and you may be unintentionally modeling Owls, Watchdogs and Possums more as an excuse, because you're having a hard time getting the energy to move out of excusing and into compassionate understanding, which would then lead us to addressing the behavior through boundaries or tend to the behavior offer the co-regulation, right? There is a difference in how we're responding to behavior through the lens of understanding versus excusing. And if you are finding yourself so stuck in protection mode that you know you're really responding to behavior more through the lens of excusing behavior, the number one thing I want you to do is not to judge yourself or give yourself a hard time for this, but to actually have lots of compassion for yourself, so recognize that you yourself are pretty stuck in your Watchdog or probably your Possum pathway, and you can help the siblings of the child in your home with big baffling behaviors, you can help them develop like a story or a narrative. They can make sense of why you might be responding with excusing instead of understanding, and that can bridge the gap while you then kind of tend to your own nervous system so that you can eventually come back into parenting more through the lens of connection, co-regulation, felt safety, boundaries, right?    

Robyn: So you could offer your child the explanation that sounds something like, 'You know, I know I should respond differently to your brother's Watchdog brain, he would feel safer, and you would too. My Possum brain is so strong right now, I just don't have the energy, and so I do things that help in the short term, right? Like, maybe they keep your brother from, you know, having a huge Watchdog brain reaction. But I also know that they're not really helping in the long run, right? I'm working on growing my Owl brain so that I can help you feel safer, and I can help your brother feel safer too.' So offering an explanation. Do you see there how I offered explanation through the lens of describing behavior through lens of the nervous system? Again, what a beautiful example of how we're understanding behavior, making sense of it, not excusing it, but understanding it, making sense of it, which allows us to have compassion for it, and allows the siblings in your home to also have a narrative and a story for what's happening.    

Robyn: Now, if you are deliberately reducing expectations in your home for your child with a vulnerable nervous system, if you're lowering the bar or you're lowering demands, it can sometimes be tricky to distinguish between that. Lowering the bar, lowering the stressors with a lot of intentionality, versus kind of just giving up on attempting to offer regulation, connection and felt safety, right? So we, instead of moving from intentionally, you know, lowering the stressors, reducing the stressors, we can sometimes accidentally move into responding in ways that do kind of become enabling those challenging behaviors. And again, I have a podcast about that, 'Enabling Vrs. Low-Demand'. And if you want the siblings of the children in your home, of kids with big, baffling behaviors, to feel as though their siblings behavior is not being excused, right, or disregarded or ignored, then it's important that we're actually not doing that. So check out that episode, 'Enabling Vrs. Low-Demand'. And also, if, again, if you notice that, yeah, I really am just sort of collapsing underneath the stress of all of this intensity in my home, as opposed to making Owl brain decisions about, you know, lowering stressors. Don't give yourself a hard time for that. Don't beat yourself up for that. Give yourself a lot of compassion for that. And just be honest with the other kids in your home about this. Just be honest.    

Robyn: The one thing I also see quite a bit of is when we're in relationship with somebody with pretty chronic, challenging behaviors, it can be kind of hard to remember that the Owl brain really is longing to be in charge. The nervous system wants to rest into the Owl pathway. The nervous system wants to feel safe. The nervous system wants to feel connected. The nervous system wants to have the ventral vagal brake engaged. And that's part of what the Owl metaphor is representing the ventral vagal brake, and it can be so hard to remember this when we're parenting somebody with chronic, baffling behaviors, develop a little ritual for yourself where you can remind yourself of this truth. Maybe before you go to bed every night, you just have a quick little moment where you remind yourself. You know it feels like my child enjoys acting this way. I know it feels like my child wants to reject connection. I know it feels like my child, you know, fill in the blanks, but I believe in my core that my child does want to feel safe and connected, and their owl brain is longing to be in charge, right?    

Robyn: If you can remind yourself of that really regularly, that will help the siblings in your home remember this as well. Because if it's hard for us to remember that the Owl brain wants to be in charge, it is really hard for kids to remember that, right? Like they just look at their siblings as acting bad and think that they're enjoying it and they're getting away with it, right? And so we have to look for ways to just be so clear that even when it looks that way, the Owl brain really, truly does long to be in charge. Their sibling is a good person. And we want to narrate some of this for our kids. So you might say something like, 'When your sister screams and throw things, we know that her brain and body are feeling very bad. This is actually true about me and you too. When we are feeling bad, we are more likely to act bad, and when we act bad, it's because we're feeling bad. But me and you, we have stronger Owl brains than your sister, and we don't have super overactive Watchdog brains. Sister's Watchdog brain attacks even when there is a teeny, tiny little problem, right? Like she has to wait just a few more minutes to watch her favorite show or play with that toy that she wants. And we know that this is so hard and scary for you, and we are working so hard to help her Watchdog brain feel safer and her Owl brain grow stronger.'    

Robyn: Some of the key points of the narrative that I just offered, and I'll make sure that the script for that gets over on the my website, on the blog post that I make for every podcast episode. Some of the important pieces of that explanation that I just offered up is that it was honest, right? We talked about the behaviors honestly and authentically. We didn't minimize the screaming or the throwing things, right? We acknowledged that bad behavior means feeling bad on the inside, right? We kind of connected us all. Dr. Kristin Neff talks about common humanity being such an important piece of self-compassion, and so that's a part of this too, like we, we connected this all to all of us, right? That all of us feel bad and then act bad, and all of us when we're acting bad, it's because we're feeling bad. That's true about all humans. But that, you know, the the sister has some extra vulnerabilities. Their Watchdog brain is overactive, and then inside of it- inside of the explanation also was validation about how scary this is, and also what you're doing as a family, what you're doing as caregivers to help the child with big, baffling behaviors to help their Watchdog brain feel safer and their Owl brain grows stronger.    

Robyn: So those were some of the key components to that narrative, and again, I'll make sure that gets over in the blog so you can check that out. Now, if your kids respond with how this is unfair, it's just an excuse, right? Really validate that. It can feel super crummy when the people who seem to be breaking all the rules are the ones getting a bunch of accommodations. Very normal for that to feel unfair, very normal, especially in the way our society views behaviors, for that to feel just like an excuse. So before you offer any information to kind of contradict that belief, validate it. Yes, it does feel unfair. And you know what? Probably, in many ways it is unfair, and just say that you're right, it is unfair. But also, if you're offering accommodations to your child with big, baffling behaviors and a vulnerable nervous system, you're doing things to help lower their stress response, right? If you're offering accommodations with your Owl brain, meaning you're making conscious, deliberate choices about it, as opposed to just kind of giving up or being too tired. Which again, I'm not judging, but how we help accommodations build Owl brains instead of increased negative behavior, is when we make the decisions for those accommodations with our owl brain. Again, I explore that super in depth, in the low-demand versus enabling episode.     

Robyn: When you make these accommodations, when you make these decisions in your family, you're helping your other children see, and they might not appreciate this until they're adults, but you're helping your other children experience and believe in a truth that y'all we need so badly in this world, and that's that, shouldn't we always be asking the folks with the least vulnerabilities to be the ones making the biggest changes? Right? Shouldn't we be- shouldn't those of us with some more strength in our nervous systems be the ones who are making shifts and making changes and making the accommodations for the folks with more vulnerability? And I do believe that that's true, that part of the privilege of having a strong, resilient nervous system is being able to tolerate a little more discomfort, and therefore being asked to make some bigger adjustments, when it seems like your child with big, baffling behaviors is getting some special treatment. Really, really validate that for your other kids, say things like, 'It is so unfair that you have to clean your room before you go out to play, but that your sister gets help with the cleaning. I get it, that does feel really unfair.'    

Robyn: Validate that they have a right even to be mad. Some of you have kids who feel not just that it's unfair, but that their life is actually dangerous, and that their sibling is ruining everything, and it is okay to validate that. If your kid is old enough, teach them that most people do believe that bad behavior comes from not being punished enough, but that in your family, you are learning some really cool new science that's teaching you what behavior really is. Make sure your kids, the siblings of the child with big, baffling behaviors, knows what your plan is for keeping them safe, something like, 'When your sister has a huge watchdog brain reaction, you can go into our bedroom and close or maybe even lock the door.'    

Robyn: Now, we're going to talk more about how to help siblings when there's intense dysregulation happening, like, what do you do in the moment when you have a child who's flipping out? We're going to talk about that in a separate episode. Today, I just want to emphasize that it's important to let your kids know that there is a plan, you've thought about it, you understand it's scary and that they are mad about it. All of these ways that we approach the siblings, right? All of these ways are helping to kind of solidify that truth, that we are understanding behavior, not excusing it, and also if your other kids don't want to be with or play with your kid with vulnerable nervous system, just really validate that and provide them with a lot of opportunities to take a break. It's okay to choose who you want to spend time with, and we can actually do that in ways that aren't mean. And we are much more likely to do that when we're in connection mode, when we have compassionate understanding of what behavior really is that really empowers us to still set boundaries, but without having to be mean about it.   

Robyn: Of course, understanding Owls and Watchdogs and Possums, that's not the end of the story, right? We're not asking the other kids in your homes to just understand that this is Watchdog behavior. Understand this is Possum behavior. And oh, that's it. No, no, no, no, no. We can understand Watchdogs and Possums and again, still have a boundary. We can be clear about what we're doing to help the Watchdog and the Possum pathway. You can talk about some kids have extra vulnerable nervous systems and need lots of extra help, just like some kids need glasses or hearing aids or extra time to take a test, like give examples of accommodations that they might be familiar with that help them see everybody is different and everybody has different needs, and assure them that the adults in their life, that the grown ups in their life who are responsible for taking care of them and helping them feel safe, are taking steps to help your child with big, baffling behaviors, to help their vulnerable nervous system strengthen, to help their Watchdog and Possum brain grow stronger, right? I'm sorry, their Watchdog and Possum brain grows safer, and their Owl brain grow stronger.    

Robyn: And we're going to explore the grief of being the sibling of a child with a special need, and specifically a behavior-based special need. I'm going to explore that in a future episode, but soon it's going to be part of this sibling series. So let me go over real quickly what I do have planned for this series. Next week, I'll talk about the grief of being the sibling of a child with special needs, and specifically a child with a nervous system vulnerability special need, behavior-based symptoms, right? We'll talk about that next week, the grief in that then I have an episode planned about how you can support the siblings in your home when your child is having a meltdown, like, what do you do? What are some practical things you could do in the moment that will help your child, while you really need to be turning your attention to providing safety and possibly some, you know, connection or co-regulation to your child who is having a meltdown. We're going to talk about that in its own episode. And then what are we going to do when two kids are dysregulated at once? We're going to talk about that in a future episode as well.    

Robyn: Okay, so that's what I've planned. That's just what I have planned for now I might come up with some more ideas and keep the sibling series going. We are definitely having much more extensive conversations about all of this over in the club, we did an observed coaching session, I don't know, earlier this year about when two kids are dysregulated at once. We are talking a ton about what to do- how do we support our siblings when another child that we have is in the middle of a meltdown? Right? So if you're finding yourself in a space where it feels like you would really benefit from being able to, you know, have connection with other folks, or really dialog with other folks, or ask questions and crowdsource from other brilliant parents all around the world, consider coming to join us over in the club, we just opened for new members, so we probably won't open for new members again until about September, I think, but just kind of tuck it away in the back of your mind and consider if that might be something that could be helpful to you in your journey.     

Robyn: Now I gave you a couple scripts and a lot of resources to check out to support everything we talked about in this episode. I would never expect you to remember all of it. I'll make sure the links to the other podcast episodes I mentioned are in the show notes, and then I'll make sure all the other resources I mentioned and those scripts go in the blog that gets posted about every podcast episode that I have over on my website. You can just go to RobynGobbel.com/podcast, and if you're listening to this far in the future, this episode won't be at the very top, but you can put it into the search bar. You can put the episode number into the search bar, which is number 187, or you could probably just put the word excusing into into the search bar, and that'll probably help this episode come up as well. So that's RobynGobbel.com/podcast to find those scripts and all those additional resources that I recommended.    

Robyn: And again, I do explore some of this, like how to teach kids about their brain in Chapter Nine of Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors. So if you have that audio book or paperback, you can skip ahead to chapter nine and explore, you know, what I talk about it in there. Y'all as always, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for everything that you're doing to care for a kids with vulnerable nervous system, and big baffling behaviors, whether that's your child, or whether you're supporting a family who has a kid with a vulnerable nervous system, there are not near enough supports. That is actually probably one of the biggest problems. So many of the problems in your home would be solved if you had access to what you needed, if you had access to the supports and the services that you really, really needed. 

Robyn: So if you are listening as a professional, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for everything you're doing to support these families. There are not enough of us out there, but we are working to change that, aren't we? We are working really hard to change that. So thank you to everyone who is listening for whatever role you play. It matters. It matters for our kids. It matters for the other kids around the world, right? The more we can spread this science of behavior and the science of understanding what is happening in our kids with these big, baffling behaviors and how we can best support them. Oh my gosh, y'all that won't just help your family, that will help the whole world. I'm confident in it. So thank you. Thank you for tuning in. Share the podcast, share the book, Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, and I will see you again next week back here on the podcast, bye, bye bye!