Low-Demand Holidays {EP 202}

Robyn: Now I know certainly not everybody listening to the show is celebrating the same holidays, but it has been my experience that kind of regardless of where we live in the world, and regardless of what holidays we do or don't celebrate, that this holiday season sort of just seeps in to everyone's lives, if nothing else, what we're seeing when we go out in the world, the music we're hearing, the decorations that we're observing, you know, the out of routine experiences that are happening in our lives and our kids lives. All of those increase during this month, again, kind of regardless of where we live or what we do or don't celebrate. And then I know for many of you, you are looking at a week, or two weeks, off of school as we get closer to the end of this calendar year. So how are we going to get through this? Let's talk about low-demand holidays for ourselves. How do we lower the bar for ourselves? How do we lower the expectations and the stress for our selves?    

Robyn: Now, I know that by the end of this episode, there's going to be about 976 million things I do not address or I forget, and all of us are, you know, facing different kinds of stressors and different kinds of expectations in the next month or so. So I'm hoping that even if the things that I talk about in the next half an hour or so don't feel like they completely apply to your situation, that you can take the concepts of what we're talking about and apply them more directly to you know what is happening in your specific life. So here's what I think I'm going to cover today. How do we approach holiday traditions? How do we approach the expectations that come up around the holidays, spoken and unspoken ones. How do we approach all the extras that are happening during the holiday season, particularly extra events, maybe traveling, maybe gatherings? Things like that. So let's start with looking at how do we navigate the pressure or the extra workload or mental load that is put upon us because of holiday traditions.    

Robyn: What I would really encourage you to do is think about what are the most important traditions for you, for your family. For me, decorations fall into this tradition category, and being really thoughtful and deliberate about what decorations are important to me. What decorations am I pulling out and setting up this year? Which ones am I not right? Decorating requires hauling bins in from outside. It requires unpacking things. It requires taking things in my house, kind of down, and putting them away. And then, of course, it requires un-decorating at the end of the season. And so which pieces of that feel most important? Are there things that can be left in the box this year? Are there pieces or decorations that feel really important to you and other ones that you like, but don't feel quite as important to you. For me, decorations kind of fall into this tradition category. They they might not for you, but thinking about from our from the bigger picture, what feels most important, which traditions bring you the most joy and which ones feel more like an obligation. And things that feel like an obligation are no-brainers. Pull those off the list, right? Things that bring you joy, right? Like think about the stress versus impact ratio, right? If we're gonna put stress and energy into something, what's what's the outcome, what's the impact of it, and is it worth it? And it is absolutely okay to make decisions about things very practically like that. Are there things that could just be simplified. For example, you maybe really want to do cookie-cutter, cut-out cookies this year. But could you maybe buy pre-made dough from the grocery store? I mean, could you buy pre-baked cookies and then just decorate them? Right?    

Robyn: Could you decorate with white frosting and use colored sprinkles instead of doing more intense decorate, decorating, right? I mean, the way you simplify is going to depend on how have you traditionally approached these activities or experiences in the past. I mean, maybe you've store-bought cookies that are already decorated always right? Then this isn't a place that you're gonna simplify, but look at the traditions that feel most important to you, that you get the most joy out of, and then ask yourself, is there a way to make this more simple, there's also an increase in expectations and obligations around the holidays. There's maybe holiday parties at your kids school. Do you really need to sign up to send a snack to your kids holiday party? Or can you just let the teacher know that you're tapped out and you're not contributing this year? I mean, what bad thing will happen if you don't contribute to your kids holiday party? Do you really need to gift shop for everyone? Or can that get list get really, really, really pared down.    

Robyn: I stopped buying for people outside my immediate family a very long time ago. I, you know, buy for my parents and then my immediate family. And even as my immediate family gets older and older older, we've kind of started doing other things around the Christmas holiday that have decreased the intensity with which I shop every year, adding shopping to my December is just so much, right? And so we've shifted how we handle these kinds of expectations and these kind of traditions. So is there a way to pare down the list of people that you're expected to shop for? Or even if it's not shopping, you know, it's maybe there's still an offering that's made cookies that are given or, you know, something that's an offering that's made in it, but it's still something to think about, right? Can we draw all that back. Do you really need to send out cards?    

Robyn: Again, I know we all have different kinds of traditions and different things that are important to us, and I'm of course, drawing from the kinds of traditions and expectations that have been present in my own life. But y'all, I stopped sending out holiday cards, I don't even know how long ago now, I actually am considering sending them out this year, and let me tell you why, because my son graduated from high school in May, and here in the Midwest, we have high school graduation parties, and so we send out graduation announcements that double as an invitation to those open house parties. So I did that, right? Because we had that party, and I had to invite people, but I also printed a pretty big stack of just like announcements, the ones I was going to send to people that wouldn't come to the party, right? Like we have such a large community all over the country, people who would, you know, not be able to come to a party. So I don't want to invite them to the party, but I didn't want party, but I did want the I did want to celebrate with them, like this major achievement of my kid, and the way he's transitioned to this new phase of life. So I printed out just announcements, and they are still sitting on my mantle. Like, actually, I moved them yesterday because I put some holiday decorations up on the mantle, and so I had to move those announcements that have been there for y'all, what, six months now?    

Robyn: So it is my plan to bust out that list, the address list of folks who are supposed to get them and send them now at the holidays, it was just like a little note, like, happy holidays. Oh, also, my kid graduated six months ago, and this is what he's doing now. So I actually might put that back on my list this year, but I'm being very thoughtful and very deliberate about it, and you can see how I took off my list six months ago, sending them out. And that can be okay, right? You can make different choices in different season. What works, what's important? The truth is, for me is that my kid really deserves to be celebrated, and I feel kind of like I dropped the ball, and so I would like to still take this moment, especially in this celebratory season, to send out these celebration announcements. But also it would be fine if I paused and said, yeah, just can't. Just can't. These aren't getting sent out. I think I'll send an email with an email attachment to everyone, right? That would be a completely fine alternative, and who knows, I may end up actually doing that anyway.    

Robyn: So really, really pause and really ask yourself, What's the point of this expectation? Do I really need to to kind of cooperate with this expectation. Do I need to, you know, send a snack for this holiday party? Do I need to purchase gift cards for all these people in my kids lives or in my life, like, is even just a card? Do I really need to do these things. What is the point of these things? What is the point of this offering? And is that really even what's accomplished when I send cards or buy gift cards? And if it is, is there an other way to do this that would be simpler? All right, so really spend time asking yourself these things, and if you can, holy smokes, outsource them. Ask for help, right? Do you have a helpful grandparent or somebody else who's important in your family's life or in your children's life that could go to a holiday party for you? And I recognize that a lot of you listening don't have folks you can outsource these things to. And I get that then, then you're going to choose different ways to simplify things. But if you have people that you could outsource some of these things to do it, ask somebody to show up at a holiday party for you. Ask somebody to take care of a specific task for you, you know, reach out to your brother or sister or parent or next-door neighbor and say, hey, when the next time you run to the store, could you pick up this for me? Right?    

Robyn: Ask a casual acquaintance who's got a child in your kid's class, right? If they could pick up paper plates for the school party for you or a gift card for the teacher the next time they go to whatever place you're going to buy that gift card? Right? Ask folks, Hey, would you mind? I'd really appreciate it if you could. If, if you could take care of this for me, I'll Venmo you the money, right? Things like that. Like, don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. I mean, what's the worst thing that can happen? Someone could say, no, which is totally alright, you know, they can set that boundary, and you can say, okay, yeah, I get it at putting something on your plate the holidays is too much, but it's okay to ask and let people set the boundary. I mean, maybe while you're asking, you ought to say, if, course, if this feels like too much to you, or if this is adding too much stress to your plate, please, please, please, just say no, but on the off chance that it's not a big deal for you to pick up an extra pack of paper plates and napkins the next time you're at the store for the school party, I'd really appreciate that. Can you tell me, you know, how to Venmo you the money, something like that.    

Robyn: Now let's talk about the extra events that appear on the calendar during the holiday season, which events, which things you're invited to, which holiday gatherings, which trips to Grandma's house, which are really the most important do only those. Look at the whole schedule. Decide, can I do one a week? Can I do one total right? Decide how many things you can do that are outside the norm, right? Make a choice, say no to everything else. Then look at that specific event or that specific invitation, and look at how can you increase the likelihood that that experience goes as well as possible? How can you increase felt safety, both for you and for your child? Right? Because increasing felt safety for your child also lowers demands for yourself, because hopefully there's less dysregulation for you to navigate. So think about felt safety from this point of felt safety, from the inside, from the outside and from the between. And if you're unfamiliar with the concepts of felt safety, I have an entire podcast series about felt safety and a felt safety download that accompanies it. I will make sure that links to those find their way into the show notes. So felt safety is about inside, outside, in between. So if we're going to think about our kids, and well, we can do this for ourselves too.   

Robyn: Think about sending your kid to a party, or showing up at a party, or showing up at an event, or showing up at Grandma's house when your child is well fed and well rested, right? Pick times of days when regulation tends to be the highest. Right is like 10am to lunchtime, the best hours of your child's day. Then ask for gatherings to be during that time period is like two to 4pm the worst time of day because that's when your child's getting really tired. Then decline things during that time of day is six to 8pm terrible because of how it disrupts bedtime, and because that tends to be maybe the time of day your kids meds are wearing off. Then decline invitation at those times of day. If folks want to spend holiday times with you, then we can all be flexible on when we do that, and it's okay to say to somebody we really want to see you for the holidays, but getting together at 6pm doesn't work for my family. The best time would be 10 to noon. I recognize that that might not be a great time for you to host us. So could we maybe make a different arrangement for how we get together or see each other during the holidays?    

Robyn: Okay, so think about, how do I support my child and how do I support myself in our internal worlds that we will all you and your kids be the most able to tolerate, to regulate through the inherent stress that comes along with doing anything that's out of the ordinary, even if it's really fun. Then think about, are there ways that I can add structure, routine and predictability to this? Is there a specific start and end time that gives me structure, routine and predictability, and that gives my kid structure, routine and predictability? How are there ways that I can make this thing that's outside the norm resemble as much as possible, things that are typical or normal for us. So for example, can you go to an extra gathering but still eat the same kinds of foods? Can you go to an extra gathering but not get dressed up for it? Right? What are. Where are the ways that we can keep different things the same, and how can we do that for ourselves? And how can we do that for our kids? Because the more we support our kids nervous systems, the lower the demand is for ourselves as well.    

Robyn: Then think about the between space of felt safety like that relational space between you and your kid, and the first thing to think about that is your own regulation. Know your own limits, right? You're not going to be able to provide extra co-regulation to your kid in a stressful or unpredictable or new experience. If you are tapped out or you are maxed out. It is okay to decline events or experiences because you know you can't offer the co-regulation that's going to be needed during that time. It is okay, right? Be honest with yourself about how this experience is likely to unfold. Don't set yourself up for great disappointment by hoping that things are going to go better than you know that they probably will right. Anticipate that that visit is going to be hard, anticipate that that holiday play is going to be hard, or that extra trip to Grandma's house or whatever it is, anticipate that it's going to be hard, decide that leaving without there having been a fist fight is going to be considered a success like set that bar really, really low and really make sure that we're not setting ourselves or our kids up with expectations that we are pretty darn certain they're not going to meet anyway.    

Robyn: Okay, if you know things are going to be hard, just know that they're going to be hard. Okay, set yourself up the best that you can to deal with that hard, but then also have, like, a moment of radical acceptance. Like, yeah, this is gonna be hard. It's possible that this isn't going to end well, okay, just be honest. Think about again. How can you decrease sensory stress, right? Things that we hear, things that we see, things that we smell, things that we taste right like think about for your unique child, what kinds of things do they need that will decrease sensory stress? Do you bring all your own food? Do you let your child disengage from the festivities while they sit in another room and listen to their earbuds to, you know, an audio book that they're enjoying. Right? Think about what everyone needs to be okay in unusual situations. And think about this specifically through the lens of the sensory system. And what kinds of sensory predictability does your kid need? What kinds of sensory experiences increase regulation, and how can you use those in a way to kind of mitigate the inevitable sensory experiences that are going to increase dysregulation for you or your kids? Again, think about like, how can we make these extra experiences or extra events as quote-unquote normal as possible, by like not dressing up, not having unique foods, things like that, like, if we're gonna have an extra trip to Grandma's house, or we're gonna have an extra party at school, what can you do yo make that thing that's extra and special, also as normal and predictable as usual, right?    

Robyn: I mean, even as like, do we really need to get dressed up? Do we really need to wear pants with a button or a snap, or do we just wear the regular clothes that we all are used to wearing now? Y'all, I know that when we think about adjusting holiday expectations, that there's so much to grieve, this might be just one more way that your family doesn't look like that holiday movie or your friends social media posts, right? Or maybe you've had to really let go of the traditions that you looked forward to doing with your family from the time that you were a child, right? It is valid and righteous to grieve these things, right? Maybe your holiday traditions don't look like the traditions that your siblings or your parents or the next door neighbors are enjoying, and that that's really disappointing and a very valid and righteous thing for you to grieve. So don't feel guilty that you're grieving these things, and give your spouse give yourself space to grieve these things so that you can then shift into being okay with what is true.    

Robyn: Now, the last thing I want to talk about is setting boundaries during the holiday time. Okay? And we're going to talk about this in two ways actually, we're going to talk about how to set boundaries, but then we're also going to talk about how to relieve yourself of the burden of setting boundaries. Okay? So both of those things, my best piece of advice for setting boundaries around holiday experiences or expectations is to do it ahead of time. Okay? If you're going to someone's house for a gathering. Say we're looking forward to coming. We will be leaving by 4pm right? Be very clear about when you're arriving and when you're leaving, and then stick to those boundaries. Give other kinds of boundaries in advance, like my kids are not going to be expected to wait to open gifts. We're going to open gifts as soon as we get there. Or my kid is not going to be expected to open gifts in front of people. We're going to be taking those gifts home with us, and we will let you know when we've opened them and express gratitude for it. Things like, my kid's not going to be expected to eat ham or turkey or corn casserole, my kid is going to bring the food that we bring for them. Maybe something like even though it's the holidays, we will still be staying in our routine with bedtime and meal time. Maybe it has to do with what kind of support you need from your friends and family when your child is dysregulated or is melting down or having a Watchdog or Possum moment, and you might say something like, when my child is having a meltdown, my child is dysregulated, when my child's having a Watchdog brain moment. Here's how I'm going to respond to them, and here's what I need you to do. Here's what would be helpful to me.   

Robyn: If my child says something that you perceive as rude, here's what I need you to do; ignore them. Let me know, laugh about it. Right, whatever it is, just tell people how you want them to respond. If you know you're about to spend time with people who have a lot of opinions about the way that you're parenting. Say something ahead of time like, Hey, we're working really hard with professionals that we trust to help best support our child and our family. Please don't make comments about our parenting or our child's behavior. We know there are challenges, and we have a team of people that we're working with who's supporting us. We have seen improvement. So be very clear, we're not coming to hear your judgments or your opinions about how we're parenting or about how we're handling difficult moments. Just be honest, we know that our kid struggles, and we have a team, and we are doing our best to support our kid, and we're doing this with the advice of professionals who have expertise. Please don't make comments.   

Robyn: Now there is a lot of talk about setting boundaries with family and with friends. And what there's just a lot of talk about setting boundaries. And what I have seen happen is that the pendulum kind of swings, and folks start to feel guilty because setting that boundary, whatever that boundary is. It's just too hard. They can't do it. Holidays evoke family-of-origin patterns like no other. A lot of us are getting together with our families of origin. So of course, when we're getting to get get together with our family of origin, that brings up family of origin patterns. But even if we're not getting together with them, holidays have really been tied together for a lot of folks with the kinds of relational patterns that we learned inside our family of origin, and therefore we are much more likely to fall back into those relational patterns, and we can watch ourselves fall into these relational patterns that we've sworn that we're just not going to do, or we're going to set these better boundaries, or I'm not going to say this, or I'm not going to do this, or I'm going to tell my mama she can't, or I'm going to set this boundary with my brother.    

Robyn: We have a lot of plans for how we're going to set boundaries, and then we find ourselves falling into old family-of-origin patterns, and then we feel guilt or shame about them. And here's what I'm going to suggest that you consider doing this holiday season. Be really honest with yourself about your capacity. Setting boundaries and breaking holiday patterns takes a significant amount of emotional energy, and maybe you just don't have it this year or right now, and that is nothing to feel guilty about. Okay, noticing that, noticing that reality, noticing that truth is actually a huge Owl brain moment that is so much growth and just noticing the truth that I can't stay out of this dysfunctional family of origin pattern. Notice it. Hey, go ahead and just let your boundaries slide. Go ahead and just be like, I can't stay out of this pattern. I really want to set this boundary, but I can't, and I'm just gonna have to be okay with that's where my growth edge is this year. I don't have the capacity to tolerate the dysregulation that will come from trying to create new family of origin, patterns or behaviors or boundaries.    

Robyn: Because anytime you kind of upset the apple cart in a way, right, like anytime you try to do something different, it is going to cause dysregulation in yourself and in others, and maybe you just can't tolerate that. You just can't navigate that extra dysregulation. It's okay do making a choice, doing it mindfully, is an owl brain moment right? Say to yourself, enforcing this boundary with my mother will cause me so much internal stress that it's just not worth it. I can't do it. I'll keep working on this boundary when I have more capacity, and then just know that, yeah, you're probably gonna fall into those old family of origin patterns. You're not gonna set boundaries the way that you wish that you could, or that you're really practicing, or that you're really trying to and that that's gonna just have to be okay when you do it mindfully, you are exercising that Owl brain. It is falling into patterns unconsciously that leaves us feeling super yucky if we can do it mindfully, right? We're taking some of the power back, which I know might sound kind of like a little wacky, like, really, is that really setting a boundary then? But it actually is. It's kind of like setting an internal boundary, right? Like, you know what your capacity is, and you're going to lean into it, and you're going to decide, hey, attending this gathering is worth it. I'm going to attend the gathering even though I know that I'm very likely to fall into this old pattern of mine, right? Do it mindfully. Do it intentionally. Do it deliberately. That's using your Pwl brain, and that's awesome, okay?   

Robyn: And if you find yourself after these experiences, noticing that you did fall into these old patterns, or you didn't set boundaries the way that you wished you would have, or you didn't, you know, enforce a boundary the way you wanted to, or you didn't kind of stand up for yourself or your child in the way that you wish you would have. That's a moment for nothing but self-compassion for yourself. Nothing but self-compassion for yourself. Okay? That you want to set these boundaries, you want to show up in relationship in these certain ways. And so that means that when it's hard for you, that that it's hard for you, right? That's like the definition of a moment of suffering. Have compassion for yourself. You did the very best you can, and you can work on improving some of these boundaries during less stressful time periods, ie not the holiday season. So there's a moment for self-compassion and a moment to say, You know what? I'll keep working on this boundary when I have more capacity.    

Robyn: So as December unfolds, y'all and we move into January, because I know a lot of folks whose kids are going to be off school until like January 7. Okay, so as we move through January, as we move through the holiday season, the holiday break, being out of routine, you know, being out of predictability, increase dysregulation. Think about how you can lower demands for yourself, decrease the stressors for yourself, so you can increase the capacity to be with the stress that is inevitable. Now I have one more podcast episode planned for 2024 so come back next week for that episode, and then for the four weeks following that, I'll be replaying episodes that I. Think could be helpful as you just navigate and get through these stressful holiday weeks. Then y'all. My first episode back in January is a really special one. I have an amazing guest. The episode's actually already recorded. I cannot wait to share that guest with you for the first episode of 2025 that's gonna air on Tuesday, January 14. Y'all can even believe this. We're talking about what's happening in 2025.    

Robyn: If the holiday season doesn't add a significant amount of stress to your life, I am thrilled for you. Maybe the holiday season actually increases your window of tolerance, because you experience so much joyfulness around the holidays. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, please don't feel guilty about that. Please do not feel guilty about that. The way the world works is we want folks to have wide windows of tolerances during time periods in which other folks have very small windows of tolerances. So please do not feel guilty if the holidays don't feel stressful to you. Also, there is probably other things in your life that at times can feel stressful for you, and I'm hoping that the ideas offered in this podcast can feel useful during those times. All right, y'all I will see you back here next week for the final 2024 episode of The Baffling Behavior Show, as always, thank you for everything that you do, to care for yourself, to care for struggling kids. Together, we are all making a difference in the way the world experiences felt safety. Thank you. Thank you. I'll be back with you again next week!