Connection: A Biological Imperative (for parents) {EP 227}

Robyn: Today's deep dive, and this is going to be the last one. Next weeks episode, we'll be exploring a new topic. But today's deep dive about the polyvagal theory, the science of the nervous system, the science of regulation, the science of connection, is all about how polyvagal theory tells us that connection is a biological imperative. We're born with the need for connection. It doesn't leave us. We're born with a need connection. Now I will give the caveat that what connection looks like for different folks really varies, and nobody's experience of connection is more valid than somebody else's, and how somebody prefers to experience connection, to receive connection to share connection is very unique to that individual, and we all have different ways that we enjoy being in connection and experiencing and experience connection as safe and again, nobody's experience of connection and their preference for how they experience connection is more or less valid than someone else's. True connection to self or others is an invitation into safety. So without question, if connection is creating protection mode, and that absolutely does happen. That absolutely does happen. There are steps that can be taken to untangle that so that connection can become what it is essentially designed to be, which is a safe haven of connection, safe safety with ourselves and safety with others. I actually have a podcast episode about when connection isn't safe. It's part of the oppositional series. So let me check real quick and see what number it is. Okay, it's episode 158, when connection isn't experienced as safe, and goodness, I didn't realize this podcast series aired so long ago. That was back at the end of 2023 so there's an episode about when connection isn't safe, and then the episode after that. So 159. Yes, 159 is about how to titrate connection.   

Robyn: Yeah, so I'll offer those thoughts very briefly about connection. But what I really want to emphasize is that when connection invites someone into safety, that is a valid experience of connection for that person, we do not get to judge somebody else's experience of what connection feels like or looks like for them. With that in mind, poly bagel theory tells us that connection is a biological imperative. We are born with the need to be in connection with others and with ourselves, and we don't lose that need now, sometimes it gets tangled up with protection mode, sometimes connection, connection experiences were also so dangerous that connection and protection get tied together. We can do some things to untangle that, but when we tangle up connection and protection, we don't lose the fact that connection is a biological imperative that remains true. It's just that it gets kind of covered up with the fact that it was also tangled up with protection. It is exceptionally heartbreaking, actually, because for connection to be a biological imperative and for it to be experienced as unsafe leaves a person's nervous system and what we would call an unsolvable dilemma. It is impossible to escape that unsolvable dilemma in the moment. I'm not saying it's impossible to bring some healing to the nervous system and and kind of metaphorically untangle the fact that connection and protection get tied together, is absolutely it absolutely is possible, but in the moment that it's experienced when the moment that connection is both a biological imperative and being experienced as life threatening or terrorizing that's experienced in the nervous system as as an unsolvable dilemma. It leaves people feeling very, very, very stuck.    

Robyn: Okay, so all of that's just kind of sidebars to the idea that's underlying today's episode, which is that connection is a biological imperative, and not just for our kids, but parents, of course, need co-regulation and connection too, and what I really want to emphasize is that this need for connection and co-regulation, this isn't really just about self care, although prioritizing receiving and offering connection and co-regulation to other adults who you can be in a reciprocal relationship with prioritizing that we could call that a bit of self care, but connection isn't self care. Connection is a biological need. Now, if you're not getting the connection and co-regulation that you absolutely need and deserve, I want you to keep listening. I want you to hold any feelings that you're having of the idea that it's a need being kind of discouraging. I know that it feels like if you can't get that right now, the idea that it's a need could feel really discouraging. I really get that, but I want to invite you to just kind of hold that thought for now and keep listening to the episode, and then at the end, revisit if connection being a biological imperative feels discouraging, or if it feels hopeful.

Robyn: But safe connection and co-regulation. This isn't optional for our experience as humans. It is how our nervous systems were designed, and our differences amongst us and how I experience connection, how I preference being in connection, and how often I want to be in connection with someone else, right? All of these differences vary person to person and again, is what brings, I think, the richness to our experience being human, right, all of the differences and the nuances that how we experience connection, what feels regulating who we experience connection with, if we prefer connection with ourselves, if we prefer connection with someone else, right? How often we like to be in that sense of connection? It's all going to vary person to person, and that is wonderful. Nobody's experience and connection is more valid than anybody else's. We're not judging how people experience connection. But we do want to help folks experience this, I think, core part of their humanity, which is that connection is safe, and when we miss out on connection being safe, we are really, really. Really missing out on a core piece of our humanity and a core piece that makes being human worth it right? So when I encounter folks who are experiencing connection as unsafe, I don't see that as their way, that they experience connection as wrong or bad, but I do see it as how painful it is to both have connection, to be a biological imperative and experience it as unsafe. And there's a part of me that really longs to help them untangle it.   

Robyn: I know that there are a lot of folks listening to this podcast, and I know there are a lot of folks who are deep in the trenches of parenting kids with special needs, baffling behaviors. Big, big, baffling behaviors, vulnerable nervous systems. I know that for those of you who that explains your life journey right now that finding connection, co-regulation and cues of safety relationally can be really tricky. So let's talk about how both can be true. How it can be true that this is our life, and maybe a lot of us are missing some of the connection and co-regulation and with other adults that we really, really deserve. How can that be true without it being hopeless? How can we look for ways to kind of increase the number of cues of safety that we can be in control of putting in our like safety buckets? So one concrete thing that you can do as you're listening to this episode, or when you finish listening to the episode, is think about what qualities, what experiences, offer cues of safety to you. Now we can think about this in all kind of the buckets of safety, inside, outside, between. But right now, in this episode, we're really thinking about like that between, the between bucket, right? Like the relational connection, co-regulation bucket. So what types of things in a relational experience offer you cues of safety? Is it about a person's tone of voice? Is it about the person's capacity for attunement? Is it humor and playfulness? Is it somebody who offers a lot of steadiness or a lot of predictability? And those are just the smallest amount of examples. There's so many different unique nuances in a connected relationship.   

Robyn: And if you can spend just a little bit of time identifying like what for you offers you cues of safety, then number one, you'll be more adept at noticing those. Because my guess is, I know, well, let me just say this. I know it's true for me that there are a lot of cues of safety in my life that are very, very easy to not notice. Now, neuroceptively, I am noticing them in some way, but if I can bring them into my explicit awareness and really consciously notice these things, there's kind of a proverbial like, bigger bang for your buck, right? Like, these cues of safety are there, but when we notice them, they have the potential to impact our nervous system in a positive way, more deeply. So if you can, you know pay attention to and know what kind of relational experiences, nuances qualities really offer you cues of safety. You can really be on the look for those things in ways that they already exist, and notice them with more intentionality, and they're going to have a bigger impact on your nervous system. So for example, in this moment, I am super lucky that many of my dearest, closest friends are not just well trained mental health professionals, but they're well trained mental health professionals in relational neuroscience. And so we have a lot of training. We have a lot of practice of being in like, relationally resonant, attuned relationships. And so I'm super blessed that some of my dearest closest friends are really great at offering what I would call exquisite attunement. And that's really great for me, because exquisite attunement is absolutely one of my cues of safety. I. Yeah, and when I pause for a second and remember that, notice that even in this moment, like a smile comes across my face, I can see some of my dearest, closest friends, kind of coming alive in my mind.

Robyn: And then I can really notice all of that, and really kind of, in a way, breathe that in and it will make an even bigger impact on the sense of safety in my own nervous system. The other thing is that when you know what kinds of experiences offer you, cues of safety, you can more easily seek them out. Maybe that means you advocate yourself in different ways, or you have, you know, some connection with some of your closest relationships, and you let them know, like, Hey, I've noticed, you know, attunement, a warm tone of voice, or, you know, eye contact, or not having eye contact like, I've noticed that those are aspects of relationship that really bring a lot of safety to me, and I wonder if it would be okay if we kind of prioritize some of those things. When you and I are in connection where we can ask people for what they need. Isn't that brilliant? You can also open yourself up to discovering cues of safety relationally, even in places that are unsuspecting or places you didn't expect. This is something that I hear from folks when they joined the club that they, you know, had hope that they would experience some safety and connection in when they joined the club, because otherwise, why would they have joined? But the actual experience of it coming in and coming into the forum and and either directly interacting with our other members, or just experiencing witnessing the interaction of members with each other, like through the forum or through our live events, but especially through the forum, I hear repeatedly from new members, like, Wow. I didn't know this was possible. I didn't know it was possible to feel safe in this way. I didn't know how much I needed it. I didn't know how much just seeing other people have the same experience as me and not judging it. I didn't know how much I needed that. How that is, you know, offering cues of safety. So look for these cues of safety in unexpected places.   

Robyn: One of the aspects of a connected relationship that really increases the resonance, the attunement, the safety is the idea of reciprocity, and reciprocity being about essentially, like I offer connection, you receive it, you offer it back, right? There's a serve in return. There's a back and forth. There's an expectation of what I offer up to this relationship I will get in return, even if it's not exactly in that moment, right? Like very few relationships involve two people who are always beautifully attuned and can offer what the other needs all the time, right? That doesn't describe any relationship that I know, but generally speaking, our reciprocal adult relationships, we have an expectation of some reciprocity that not one of us is like, overarchingly giving or receiving more than the other. Parenting is, of course, a relationship that has less reciprocity, right? There's a power differential in parenting. The mutuality in a parent, child relationship is completely different, right? We give more than we receive from our kids there. That's not their role in the relationship is to provide us with, you know, emotional reciprocity, and that's true about all parenting, parenting kids with vulnerable nervous systems and big, baffling behaviors, and particularly if you have a child who experiences connection as unsafe. The lack of reciprocity is heightened significantly. The imbalance is profound. There is, without question, a very real dynamic of give, give, give, offer, offer, offer, right, giving connection, giving cues of safety, offering co regulation, you know, giving a serve in the relationship that isn't returned, right. And then there's an expectation that we keep serving, we keep giving, we keep offering. In an adult relationship, there'd come a point where we were like, Huh? I don't know that I like this imbalance. I'm not sure if I want to keep investing in this relationship. But with our kids, right? There's this expectation, there's this need, especially if we have a kid with some vulnerability that. And despite not receiving that, we keep giving.   

Robyn: And it is very common for parents who are parenting in special needs situations like this to also feel a lack of reciprocity in their adult relationships as well that because of the intensity of your parenting and because of the intensity of navigating your child's special needs, it can create some isolation. There can become a sense of aloneness. Nobody really gets it. This isn't other people's experience. It can be very hard for our relationships, you know, our friendships, our family members, to kind of really get or understand what's going on for us, and that can impact the reciprocity. If you have a co parent, if you're actively parenting with somebody else, even though they, of course, totally get it theoretically, because they're in the same situation you are. We all navigate hardship differently, and the same really hard thing impacts me in a different way than it impacts my spouse. And so there can continue to be this increased sense of lack of reciprocity, even in our partnered relationships, who are theoretically experiencing the same thing we are. Because one, we're experiencing it differently, and two, we are both falling into chronic protection mode. And when I'm in chronic protection mode, I don't just struggle to give connection to my child. I struggle to give connection to my partner as well, and so all of these adult mutual relationships can struggle with that reciprocity as well. I want you to really hear me that this doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or you're doing something wrong. Our nervous systems are always doing exactly what they believe they need to do in the moment and when we're in a relationship that is lacking in some of the reciprocity that we need, it makes sense that we pull back or pull away from those relationships, and underneath all of that is some grief, right when we offer connection and it's not returned when We aren't receiving the connection that our nervous systems desperately need and are longing for. There is going to be some grief arise, and sometimes we don't notice the grief. Grief is so painful that we will choose in this kind of unconscious choice. So we don't necessarily make a conscious choice to do this. Sometimes it's happening very unconsciously. There's this choice to ignore their grief, or to not see it, or to disregard it.

Robyn: If possible. Give yourself some space or some permission to notice the grief, to be with the grief, to not judge it, to honor it, to see it being with something, and seeing something and staying present with something, even if that something is very, very hard or uncomfortable, it's actually a cue of safety to stay with it, to say, I See you. I'm here with you. I will tolerate you grief that's very uncomfortable. Those are actually cues of safety. So we can bring in safety cues to something that is also bringing in cues of danger. We can bring both together, both together and remember. And Deb said this very clearly multiple times in the podcast episode that I did with her, the goal isn't to never be dysregulated. The goal isn't to never be really, really hurt by the lack of reciprocity in your relationship with your child. The goal isn't to never really be devastatingly in pain because you are offering so much to your child in receiving what feels like nothing in return. The goal isn't to not ever have those experiences and to not ever be dysregulated by those experiences. The goal is to be with our dysregulation, right to notice the dysregulation, and then to invite the things into our nervous system that we each uniquely need in order to return to regulation, in order to return to our Owl pathway.   

Robyn: So one of the things to think about in this moment is if you notice that in your close circle of people that there isn't the reciprocity that you need, ask yourself, is it possible I can widen the circle? Circle, are there other friends? Are there other acquaintances? Are there other professionals, right? I absolutely have, at times in my life gotten my connection cup filled and my reciprocity needs filled in professional relationships, right? Like with my therapist, I actually remember one time having this real brilliant nurse practitioner who I didn't see very often. She was so warm, she was so kind, she was so gentle, she was so loving, she was so tuned, she was so good at her job, which gave me a lot of safety, that she was somebody that I was absolutely getting, you know, some connection, co-regulation and reciprocity from it, and that relationship was really, really valid, right? I also know that with the internet, we can really lean into relationships with folks who aren't in our immediate proximity, or, frankly, even relationships with folks we've never even met. I'm remembering that when my book came out two years ago and we had a couple different events to celebrate the book coming out, and some of my closest friends you know, were just so amazing, and supporting me through this enormous like life moment, and having this awareness that some of these people who I had known for a really long time, and I considered my closest friends, I had never met in person before. I remember, you know, a friend jumping in my car at the airport and us looking at each other, and I'm like, we have never met in person before, somebody I consider a very close to your friend. Last summer, I met someone else in quote-unquote, real life who I had never had known for years and years and years I couldn't like. It didn't feel true to my nervous system that we had never like been with one another, you know, 3D in real life. But we hadn't. Relationships that are virtual, relationships that are online. They're very valid. And as I learned this and could really see the benefit and the, gosh, just the trueness of how a virtual or online relationship absolutely can offer the same cues of safety as an in person relationship does this again.   

Robyn: This was one of the reasons that I created the club all those years ago. Like I really took the things that I know and understand about relational neuroscience, and said, Well, can we do this in a virtual format? And not all things we can, but many things we can, many things we can. And I've even had club members tell me that they get more from this virtual community than they think they could get in a in person community, even if their community had one, because actually, like arranging time to get together with people, or, you know, leaving the house to do something, feels beyond their reach. Whereas this virtual online community doesn't feel beyond their reach. It feels what they exactly have capacity for it. Actually was another very deliberate decision I made when making the club, was that it would be something that was always available so folks could touch into it when their nervous system was drawing them to touch into it and not touch into it when it wasn't right, that it wasn't like Mondays at 8pm we have, you know, you know, in person, meeting in my living room, right? And at 8pm whether your nervous system was, you know, seeking connection at that moment or not, that's when it was available. So you better show up for it. Now, I really, and again, that's real life. That's absolutely real life. But I really wanted to create a space where folks could touch into it when they were drawn to, and they could receive what they needed when they were drawn to, as opposed to waiting for like, a certain date and a certain time.   

Robyn: So if you're getting the majority of your connection from a virtual or online community that is so valid and so wonderful, and probably in many ways, actually even offering you more cues of safety. And if you haven't explored online or virtual communities, see if you can check a few out. There's so many, right? There's, of course, you know, my virtual community the club, but I have colleagues who also have online virtual communities. My friend Eileen Devine has an online virtual community. There's other plenty of online virtual communities. There's ones on social media platforms like Facebook that you could seek out and join, and there are things out there that you could check out. So I really. Encourage you to maybe put some feelers out there for some online community if it feels like you're really lacking in reciprocity overall. Y'all, here's my point today, connection's a biological imperative for you as well as your kids, and we think about it, so much in relationship to our kids and parenting our kids and and I use that kind of as my North Star that really aids in me decoding some behavior, trying to figure out what's going on with this behavior. What does this person need? The idea of connection being a biological imperative is a North Star. For me, it's very, very grounding, something I can always return to something that always helps me orient and it is true for us as well. And if hearing that or being reminded of connection being a biological imperative for us as well feels uncomfortable, if it feels like you're not getting that need met, that makes a lot of sense. It makes a lot of sense. One, it's hard for you to get those needs met right now. Makes a lot of sense that knowing that it's hard while it's still being a biological imperative is bringing up uncomfortable feelings, including grief. And I do think there are steps that we can take. And I know that for some of you listening, you're like, I've got nothing else. I've got nothing to give. I cannot do anything else or think about anything else. And I really, really, really get that. And for you, I would say, rest, rest, rest, rest, rest right as much as possible. Lower the stressors in your life so your nervous system can really rest, and then be on the lookout for moments where it does feel possible for you to start to reach out and seek and look, and if, as you're listening right now, it does feel possible scan your current life. What do you experience as a cue of safety in relationship? Can you notice where you actually are receiving that? But notice, notice it with intentionality, as that brings in even more accused of safety. Can you seek out relationships that offer that? If you know what brings you safety, you can be more intentional about seeking it out.   

Robyn: And if it feels like in an in your quote-unquote, real life, that's kind of what I tend to use to distinguish between like, the people here my community that I see, like 3D versus the people I know in a more virtual setting, if it feels like the folks in your quote-unquote, real life community that there aren't places to turn to for reciprocity there, I mean the irony of parenting a child with special needs, and then finding other parents of kids with special needs is that everybody is lacking in capacity, right? And so if it feels challenging to find that reciprocity in real life, first of all, know that grief around that truth makes perfect sense. It makes perfect sense. And if you tend to that grief, that will bring you cues of safety, and then consider, is it possible for me to seek out connection, co regulation in other places, right? Can I turn to the virtual world? Can I turn to my spiritual practice, for example, what are other places that you can turn to with intentionality to search for and find that reciprocity that can begin to refill that bucket of safety, the between the relational bucket of safety, because, again, it's as much of an biological imperative for us as it is for our kids. Parenting kids who experience connection as dangerous and who aren't receiving our offers in connection, and certainly aren't offering connection back to us. It's heartbreaking. You can acknowledge the grief in that without feeling guilty. You know, sometimes parents tell me like, oh, it's not my child's job to, you know, fill my cup or I shouldn't be turning to my child to feel connection.   

Robyn: There's an element of truth to that for sure, like our kids don't fill our connection cups the same in the way that like mutual adult relationships do, but parenting is really hard, and we push through the hardness of parenting because we get things in return from it. We get goodness in return. From it. And when we're parenting kids with special needs, particularly behavioral special needs, or kids with attachment challenges, kids who have experienced connection is dangerous. There is such a significant loss in that reciprocity, in what we receive back, and it makes perfect sense to feel a lot of grief and a lot of even anger around that tune into that grief. Tune into that anger. Paying attention to it is a way to give ourselves cues of safety so that we can keep offering to our kids what we know they're really longing for, what they know they really need. With that, though our own can longing for connection in other places, makes perfect sense. And I do believe that when you have the capacity for it, when you have the energy for it, there are places to find it again. The club is available for you. The club opens periodically for new members. We're opening with a little bit of a different cadence. In 2025 with a little more frequency, usually about once a month, the day that this episode airs, actually, the club is open for a few days. But we're also experimenting with some other ways that folks can come into the club without even waiting for those open enrollment periods. So if the if an online community feels like something you want to check out, the club is an option, something you can explore. It might again. My friend Eileen Devine has an online community. She calls the resilience room. There are lots of places to seek out online community. There are abundance of groups on Facebook. I've actually truly seen well moderated Facebook groups, and so I do think there are places to turn to.   

Robyn: So that's my invitation to you seek out those places because you really, really deserve it. Connection is indeed a biological imperative for you too. If you are new to tuning in to The Baffling Behavior Show, I am so glad that you're here. This is such a lovely episode to be your first experience with a baffling behavior show, but I have more than 230 other episodes, and so you can go to RobynGobbel.com/podcast there's a search bar there. If you're looking for a specific topic, you can put what you're looking for into that search bar and see if I have a podcast or maybe a resource that is related to that specific topic. I have a lot of free resources over on my website. We just launched our new free resource hub. I'll get the links to those things down in the show notes for you here, of course, you can join my email list, and you can get doses of connection and co-regulation from me about twice a week, hit subscribe to the podcast so you can keep coming back to The Baffling Behavior Show. And if you haven't read, Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, believe it or not, that's actually another place you can get connection and co-regulation from I was very thoughtful and very intentional about how I wrote that book, and I wrote it in a unique way. And readers have said that they absolutely feel like they are getting connection and co-regulation directly from me, which is what my hope was, to make connection and co-regulation even more accessible. So if you haven't read raising kids with big, baffling behaviors, check that out. This is our two year birthday. This month came out, September, 21, 2023 and it also is available on audiobook, and I read it on audiobook, and so there is an element of connection and co-regulation there as well. All right, y'all such a privilege to be with you again this week. Thank you so much for continuing to tune into The Baffling Behavior Show. Please share it with others, others who could use some additional connection and co-regulation as well, and I will be back with you again next week!