Window of Tolerance- What it Is and How to Grow It {EP 240}

Robyn: So there are so many ways for you to keep learning and exploring about this science and how to use it to make sense of your kids and their really baffling behaviors. And when this episode is wrapping up, I will give you even more ideas about where you can go next the window of stress tolerance and understanding. The window of stress tolerance will help us make sense of what can feel really confusing with our kids, kind of capabilities or capacities, or how sometimes they have certain skills, and sometimes they don't have certain skills, and sometimes it seems like they can manage a lot of stress, and other times it seems like they cannot manage any stress without going Totally far down the Watchdog or the Possum pathway. So why is that? What is the science that makes that make sense? Back when I lived and worked in Austin, Texas, I was the founder of the Central Texas attachment and trauma center, and it was a group of therapists who all shared the same expertise and focus in our therapeutic work, and also we were all really, really good friends. We were so lucky. This was an amazing work experience for all of us, most of the time, and we officed in a little house that had a shared kitchen space. It was like a galley kitchen that was open. So all of us and all of our clients were continuously walking through that galley kitchen. We also liked to take care of our clients, and so we had a coffee bar and we had hot tea and hot chocolate and snacks and things like that. And oftentimes, as therapists, we were really busy, and oftentimes we were running behind. And so when we would finish a session, we would maybe take the coffee cup that our client had been using, or even the one that we'd been using, and we'd give it a quick wash and we'd set it in the drying rack. Well, one day, there was a handful of dirty coffee cups in the kitchen sink, and y'all, I was mad about this. I was like, Come on, y'all, like our clients walk through. You're our clients who come here and they want us to take care. Them, and y'all was quite actually unreasonably mad. 

Robyn: Now, I had a point like I really wanted us to keep our shared space nice, but the intensity of which I was mad was quite disproportionate, especially y'all. Because this was not new. This occasionally happened, right? And we all work together, as, you know, group of friends and colleagues, and trusted that every single one of us was constantly doing our very, very, very best. And if occasionally a cup got left in the sink without being washed out, there was this kind of mutual trust of like, Listen, I'm doing the best that I can. I'll come back to this, you know, soon as I can and take care of it. And for the most part, that was the way we all work together, except sometimes the stress of the dirty coffee cups the sink just made me really mad. And I mean by by sometimes, I mean, like this one time I can really remember it, I fired off a not very kind email to everybody who worked in my building and gave them an unnecessary lecture about leaving their dirty coffee cups in the sink. Now, again, it was a reasonable thing to address like, Hey, y'all, this is starting to kind of slip again. Let's make sure that, if possible, we just do a really quick rinse and wash of these coffee cups. I know everybody's doing your best Great job, right? Like I could have sent that email, but no, I sent a less nice email, and bless my colleagues hearts, they mostly just ignored me. They did not fire an email back, they mostly just ignored me. They they were able to see my behavior through the lens of the stress response system, see like well, for whatever reason, Robyn has really popped out of her window of tolerance to the point where these coffee cups are making her exceptionally angry. And when I say ignore me, I don't mean they didn't, you know, try to start washing their coffee cups more frequently, right? That they certainly, you know, took that piece of information in and made adjustments. But when I say ignored me is they didn't come to my fight, they didn't step up and, you know, argue back at me. They didn't get super offended. They mostly just ignored me. And the next day, I sent another email. It was like, Y'all sorry about that.

Robyn: Yeah, I don't know what got into me. I just it just popped me right outside my window of tolerance in a way that it wouldn't normally, and I was really mad about those dang coffee cups. So thank you everybody for being patient with me and not coming to my fight. And also, let's all work together to keep those coffee cups washed a little bit better. So great example of how a stressor that was not uncommon, right? We were, you know, in a shared space. This was a stressor I was dealing with occasionally. And sometimes I would just wash the cups. I wouldn't even say anything, right? I would just wash them like, here's me little extra free time. I'll wash them up. And another time I sent off a fiery, not very kind email. So what's the difference? What's the difference? Well, the difference was my window of stress tolerance, my wind difference was how much capacity I had in my window of stress tolerance, at that moment, to navigate this stressor. The stress was always a stressor, right? I didn't love finding dirty dishes in our shared common area. Also, I'm sure I contributed to it at some times, right? But the stressor was always a stressor. It's not like sometimes it wasn't a stressor, and sometimes it was always a stressor, but sometimes I was just like, Huh? I don't like these dirty coffee cups. Guess I better wash them, right? And sometimes, you know, my Watchdog brain totally took over, and I fired off nasty emails about it. Sometimes I had more space inside my nervous system, and that's what I talk about when I say window of stress tolerance. Window of stress tolerance is the space inside our nervous systems in which we can tolerate stress without freaking out. And our window of tolerance is regularly ebbing and flowing. 

Robyn: And I think if you pause and you examine your own experience, you can, you can see that how sometimes it's ebbing and flowing, you know, over big periods of time, right? It could be that could be a day by day, like one day your window of stress tolerance is nice. There's one nice and wide one day. It's not. It could be seasons of life, right? It could be. Moments, right? It could be based on something that's shifting in my experience and shifting in my neuroception, my window of tolerance could close right up where just a few moments ago, it seemed nice and wide. Okay, so your window of tolerance can be shifting moment by moment, or it can be shifting in, you know, longer time spans in days or again in like seasons of life. So of course, when our window of tolerance is smaller, less stress is going to pop us outside our window of tolerance. And y'all outside window of tolerance. Behavior tends to be behavior we would call, quote, unquote bad, right? It emerges from protection mode. It is behavior that is typically pushing people away or it's not involving enough Owl brain to be able to pause and take a breath and set a boundary with Owl brain, you know, energy again, back to the coffee cups. Like I could have easily noticed the stress and taken that information in to say, Hmm, this is something that's bothering me, and I should set a boundary about it. And I could have done that with a lot of Owl brain energy, but instead, it popped me so far outside my window of tolerance, I couldn't access any of my Owl brain to send an Owl brain boundary, and instead, just went into attack mode, right? And attack mode looks like bad behavior. I was so lucky that I worked in a space where we all believed the same theoretical things, like we all believe we were all doing the very best that we can. 

Robyn: We all believed in looking at behavior through the lens of the stress response system. We all believed in the importance of rupture and repair, which is a pretty amazing place to work. And I was so lucky that my colleagues held those same values, and they could put their x ray vision goggles on see my behavior through the lens of the stress response system. Know that I didn't mean to be a jerk and that I would probably, without even them asking, come back around and offer a repair, which is exactly what I did, but the behavior I had looked bad, looks bad and and again, I was so lucky. My colleagues were able to put on their x ray vision goggles, keep their Owl brain on, see my behavior for what it really was. So essentially, what they were able to do is stay in a place of compassion for me, right? I was stressed not jump down some, like, characterological pathway, like they didn't jump on this, like, oh my gosh, Robyn, such a jerk, kind of bandwagon, right? And they didn't shift themselves into protection mode. That's what happened when they could keep those x ray vision goggles on and see my behavior through the lens of the stress response system, and if I hadn't offered a repair, my hope is that one of them would have come to me and been like, hey, we get it. The dirty dishes are frustrating, but also the way that you talk to us wasn't cool, right? I hope, and I believe one of them would have done that they I also just didn't really need to, because I initiated that myself. But that's what happens when we can hold on to our Owl brain, stay inside our window of stress tolerance. We can still set boundaries right. We can still set boundaries, but we can do it with our brain energy. 

Robyn: Now what's happening with our kids is the same thing that happened with me. Their window of tolerance is ebbing and flowing. Sometimes they can handle the stress of losing a game. Sometimes they can handle the stress of not sitting where they want to in the car. Sometimes they can handle the stress of doing their homework. Sometimes they can handle the stress of it being bedtime and we have to start the bedtime routine. Sometimes they cannot, and sometimes it's kind of obvious why they can't. Like, we can look at the day and be like, Oh yeah, it makes a lot of sense that their stress capacity is decreased so much. But sometimes, y'all, it doesn't make sense on the outside looking in, it's like what happened here. And there's a place for trust. We have to trust that all behavior makes sense, and if they're having a big, big, big response to what we would say in other circumstances is a relatively small stressor, then we have to just trust that their window of stress tolerance has shrunken up in that moment. This is about a small window of stress tolerance. It's not about bad behavior or. Manipulation or control or learning that they can use bad behavior to get away with something, right? So what do we do then? What are the things that we do to help grow the window of stress tolerance, grow the capacity in the nervous system to be able to tolerate stress without completely freaking out. Well, the way we grow the window of stress tolerance is the exact way that you are working to be with your kids and yourselves and you know other folks in your life, by listening to this podcast, by reading, raised with kids, Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors, right? Like all all that you're doing that feels like it's in alignment with the relational neuroscience I'm offering you here. All of that is helping to grow the window of stress tolerance, growing the Owl brain, strengthening the Owl brain is growing that window of stress tolerance. The more we can strengthen the Owl brain, the wider that window of stress tolerance is, the more we can experience and navigate and regulate through stressors without completely popping out of our window of tolerance, having that Owl brain fly away and intense Watchdog and or Possum energy take over. So how are we doing that? Well, we're parenting with connection co regulation and felt safety, right? We're working at seeing behaviors through the lens of our stress response system so that we can respond with co-regulation instead of punishment, right? Co-regulation is about attunement.

Robyn: Co-regulation is about staying regulated ourselves. Co-regulation is about matching the energy and yes, co-regulation is also about setting a boundary. Co-regulation isn't synonymous with boundaryless parenting. So co-regulation widens the window of stress tolerance, keeping our kids closer to us, decreasing the distance, increasing physical proximity, physical proximity with somebody who has a wider window of tolerance and is more regulated than us, helps you widen Our own window of tolerance. This is why our kids can behave better when we're nearby, as opposed to when we're not. Sometimes it feels like, oh my gosh, I can't trust my kid as soon as I leave, or as soon as they're not closely supervised, they just do whatever they want. Well, what that really translates to is, as soon as you know, my kid isn't getting the amount of co-regulation that they need in order to keep their Owl brain online, right? They cannot use their Owl brain to dampen their impulses or to regulate through, you know, stressors, right? So co regulation decreasing the distance, the things we talk about for felt safety, right? Like you know, making sure our kids, our nutrition needs are met, making sure they're hydrated, making sure they get the sunlight that they need, making sure that they get the movement that they need. All of those things are helping to widen our window of stress tolerance, offering structure, routine and predictability in attunement with what our child needs for structure, routine and predictability. And some kids need less structure in order for their stress response system to rest. 

Robyn: Some kids need more structure in order for their stress response system to rest, providing our kids the scaffolding that they need right to increase their capacity to use a skill, particularly use the skill in the face of some stress, and We can do that through scaffolding right increasing connection and titrating the connection based on the our kids needs, right, based on how they experience connection as safe or not safe. All of these things, all of these things that I just went through relatively quickly, are things that we have talked about so much here on the podcast. So I will make sure that episodes related to what we just talked about, co regulation, scaffolding, felt safety, increasing connection. I'll make sure that podcast episodes I have about those things are all linked to in the show notes. Y'all, I also have so many free resources that are all about exactly that. I have a boundaries free resource. I have a co regulation. Free resource. I have felt safety, free resource. I have oodles and oodles of free resources, and we have just. Created a new free resource hub where we're now storing all of the free resources that we give away, where we've just created one central location for all of those, which also means, as I add more free resources, they're very easy for them, for you to access. So if you don't already have an account over at our free resource hub. Go there. Robyn gobbel.com/free, resource hub. Make an account. It's totally free, and you're going to get immediate access to over 20 free resources, and all of them are related in some way, shape or form to how do we grow our kids window of stress tolerance, and there's also a lot of free resources over there that are related to, how do we grow our own window of stress tolerance? How can I widen the space in my nervous system or I can tolerate stress without freaking out? And how can I give myself and my kid the compassion to see that sometimes we have more capacity than others. 

Robyn: Sometimes I can tolerate a lot of stress, sometimes I can hardly tolerate any, and sometimes it's hard to even understand why myself, right? Sometimes I look at myself and I'm like, Oh my gosh, why am I freaking out about this? It's like, I don't know, but I'm just really on edge right now, right? Sometimes we don't know, but we just have to trust we're doing the best we can, and we're having a stress response that it makes sense, given the capacity in our stress response system in that moment. Okay, so aside from going and joining the free resource hub and getting access to all those resources, what are other things that you could do in this moment, this week, to think about helping to grow your kids window of stress tolerance. Well, truly, the best thing to do is to really keep those x ray vision goggles on and see your child's, you know, wide varieties of ways that they respond to stress through the lens of the stress response system and notice and see, huh? I guess their window of tolerance is wider now, because their Owl brain is a little stronger today or in this moment. And really just practice using those x ray vision goggles. Believe it or not, that is an excellent way to widen both window of tolerances, yours and your kids. Okay, and then see, can I create just a little bit more pause before I respond to my child? Can I hold on to my oval brain just one second longer before I respond to this child, and when I say respond, I don't mean like, ignore bad behavior, right? If our kids are having a behavioral challenge, what we know is that they need some support, with regulation, connection, felt safety and possibly a boundary, so we're not ignoring the behavioral challenges, we're seeing them through the lens of the stress response system, seeing where they are in their window of tolerance, and seeing how we can respond with regulation, connection, felt safety and at times, of course, a boundary. 

Robyn: And this doesn't mean we're like, sugary, sweet, nice about it like a boundary can be set with intensity. A boundary doesn't have to be set in this, you know, nice, sweet way a boundary can sound like no stop, right? But we can set a boundary with intensity while still holding on to our Owl brain. What that means is we're using choice. What that means is we're staying regulated, not necessarily calm, in the way that we set that boundary and responding to our kids in this way actually does grow their window of stress tolerance. And then another thing you can think about this week, if you want to think about, you know, really specifically, how do I grow my child's window stress tolerance is think about the repair, right, that when we have to set a boundary and if we have to send one, you know, somewhat forcefully or or forcefully often, that means there's a relational rupture. Y'all. That's not something to avoid, necessarily, right? What we want to do is notice that relational rupture and repair it later. So I'm not going to get you know all the way down the pathway of how do we repair in this episode, because I've got lots of episodes about all these things that you can go and check out, including an episode all about how to repair after there's been a rupture. So again, I'll make sure all of these links and resources get down in the show notes. You can go listen to other related podcast episodes, and then you can also just go to. Join Robyn gobbel.com/free, resource hub, and you'll get access to all those downloadable resources. So many of them are directory related to growing the window of tolerance, even if they're not labeled that way. Specifically, that's what parenting with connection and co-regulation of health, safety and boundaries. That's what it does. It grows our window of stress tolerance.

Robyn: So as you go back out into the world and you do your parenting and you interact with other humans, including yourself, right, really see if you can keep those x ray vision goggles on, really see folks' behavior through the lens of the stress response system, and where they are in their window of stress tolerance? Are they in a moment of having a really narrow window of stress tolerance, and that's causing them to pop out of it really quickly and intensely? Are they having a moment of a really wide window of tolerance and that's allowing them to navigate stress without freaking out, right? And then make sure you're applying all this information to yourself, right? As your window of stress tolerance ebbs and flows, and there, therefore your stress response and your behavior ebbs and flows. Can you think about the science and how it applies to you as well, right? Because if you're having a day of a lot of you know, quote-unquote, freak outs, you probably have a fragile or narrow window of stress tolerance today, and that deserves nothing but compassion. Nothing but compassion, because it's hard. It feels bad to have a narrow window of stress tolerance, our bodies would absolutely much rather have nice wide window of stress tolerance so that we can navigate and regulate through the stress of life. So this is a place to have lots of compassion for yourselves as well. All right, so I gave you lots of places to go to learn more information Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors. 

Robyn: You can find wherever books are sold. It's also available as an audiobook that I read. You can go to my free resource hub. You can go to the podcast page on my website. Use the search bar there. You can get ready to join us over in the club when the club opens up next and I'll just give a little, a little tidbit of information here that folks who are joining or members of the free resource hub, they have extra opportunities to join the club and are able to come and join the club, even if the club isn't in one of those open enrollment periods that we have periodically. So just another reason maybe to go and check out Robyn gobbel.com/free resource club, and then you can come and connect with us there and having the connection and co-regulation of a community that really gets it that is an excellent way to grow your window of stress tolerance, so that you can then help your child grow their window of stress tolerance. Alrighty, folks, it was wonderful to be with you again today, and I look forward to connecting with you again on future podcast episodes. Bye, bye. You.