Can’t Wait! Frustration Tolerance and Delayed Gratification {EP 245}

Robyn: They often really struggle with waiting for the future or thinking about anything but the very next second. I talk about that a lot, actually, in a previous podcast episode called, I think it was called regression, baby talk, lying and stealing, and in that episode, we really look at behaviors through the lens of Dr Perry's work on state dependent functioning, and we really look at how the more dysregulated the brain gets, the way the the way that our functioning changes, and the more dysregulated we get, we function in younger and younger ways, which is going to mean thinking only about the immediate future, right? Not long not being able to delay things or imagine what will happen if we wait, think about it, right. Developmentally, babies don't do that. Toddlers don't do that. Now, I'm not calling your school age child or your teenager a baby or a toddler, but when we think about state dependent functioning, and we look at how the brain is impacted by sensitivities in the stress response system, trauma. Ma and toxic stress, we can see how functioning shifts in a way that ends up being more on par with infant or toddler like behavior. So that's all I'm going to say about that at this moment. If that's kind of piquing your interest, you can go to that previous podcast episode. I'll make sure it gets linked to in the show notes. We also have a full length masterclass on that over in the club, as well as what I think is a pretty cool visual resource. It's a several page packet visual resource. It really helps you consider this whole idea of functioning based on stress, the visual packet that I've designed really helps, and I've put that theory into something that's useful, and that's actually, you know, something that can help you in your regular, everyday life. So all of those resources are available over in the club. If you're interested in that, you can come join us in the club the next time the club opens. So I'm sure everyone listening has navigated a situation with a child or a partner or someone who just can't wait. Just can't wait like they really feel like. Just no frustration tolerance, very little ability to delay gratification. Can feel really stuck on like now, now, now, or buy it now, or get it for me now, or I need it now, or I need dinner now, or whatever, whatever. Now, now, right? It's almost like this hijack happens. And then there's this belief in the brain of in order for me to be okay, this thing that I need, or this thing that I want. Because actually what we talk about in the regression baby talk

Robyn: podcast episode and over in the masterclass that's associated with over the club, what we talk about in there is how, for a really stressed out brain, needs and what wants get really conflated. They end up being the same thing. There's not any differentiation or distinction between a want or a need. So what you and I would say with our strong Owl brain is a want, it can feel like, in a dysregulated nervous system that it's a need. And if something feels like a need, then there is going to be some urgency around, you know, give it to me right now, and this is gonna feel like selfishness. This is gonna maybe feel like manipulation. This is gonna feel like spoiled behavior, and in general, when we label behaviors in those kinds of ways, what happens is our nervous system shifts into protection mode, and from there, then it gets really hard to offer the connection, co-regulation and felt safety that we want to and need to offer in order to help settle our kids nervous system and invite their Owl brain to come back. So even though the behavior certainly could feel manipulative. For example, we're going to work really hard to see all of this behavior through the lens of the brain and through the lens of the nervous system. So I'm not going to rehash the Owl Watchdog Possum metaphor. You can check out my focus on the nervous system free webinar or ebook to learn about Owls wash dogs and Possums. But for today, we're just going to agree that delayed gratification, frustration tolerance, those are Owl brain skills. So what we really want to focus on, as opposed to addressing the behavior that is definitely behavior we don't like, and fair enough, like demanding behavior, behavior that's throwing tantrums in order to quote, unquote, get what they want. You know, these are behaviors that are really, really hard for us to regulate through. So instead of trying to address that specific behavior. 

Robyn: What we're going to do instead is think about how do we strengthen, how do we grow the Owl brain so that their Owl brain can be okay, even with an uncomfortable feeling like I'm not getting what I want right now? I mean, think about it. Y'all, like all of us, want what we want when we want it. I know I do, too, for sure I want what I want when I want it, and my Owl brain helps me be okay when I don't get that, which is a lot, right? I mean, how often do we not get what we want when we. Want it most of the time, at least. That's my experience in the world. And so our kids are actually having that experience even more, of course, than we are. It's a hard, hard, hard feeling, and if we have strong Owl brains, we can regulate through that feeling. We can feel disappointed, we can feel frustrated, we can even feel mad that we're not getting what we want, and still we can be okay, and we can keep our Owl brain hanging around, and we can remember that we can have this thing maybe at some other time, or even if we never get it, we can still be okay, all of those things that help us stay anchored in connection mode. Those are all Owl brain experiences, behaviors like begging, bargaining, huge meltdowns, being obsessive, ruminating, shifting into total collapse, like give up or hopelessness. Those are not connection mode behaviors, right? Like, those are protection mode behaviors, and some are Watchdog pathway behaviors, some are Possum pathway behaviors. And I totally get that they can look like bratty or manipulative or greedy behaviors, so we're going to just acknowledge, right? We're going to notice and acknowledge that that's what those behaviors look like and feel like that we initially have a little stress response, or maybe a big one in response to those feelings. We're just going to notice that stress response ourselves, and then we're going to use our Owl brain to remind ourselves, this is behavior of protection mode. This is behavior that emerges from a really fragile Owl brain my child's Watchdog or my child's Possum is working so, so so hard to take care of them or keep them safe, and their Owl brain is flying away really quickly. So we want to strengthen their Owl brain and soothe their Watchdog and their Possum brain. All right? So what does this mean in practicality? Well, we're going to do the things that we always do. 

Robyn: We're going to focus on regulation, connection and felt safety. And if your child has no access to their Owl brain, then we're not going to try Owl brain strategies like being logical, right? We're just going to focus on co-regulation, connection and felt safety. We might use some validating. We might match the energy. We might say it's so hard to wait. You want it right now. It feels like if you have to wait, maybe you'll never get it right. Like we can kind of take what we know about our child, use our x ray vision goggles and maybe make some guesses about what their experience might be, and offer some validation, offer some co-regulation, if that's an approach that often works for our kids, you know sometimes that kind of approach doesn't work for your kids. So you have to know, or at least be willing to experiment with different strategies that might support your child, you're going to want to think about safety first, right? If it is something that they are absolutely going to get, they're just not getting it in the second, like dinner, for example, be very clear about that dinner is coming. We are going to eat dinner as soon as this timer goes off, but the meat is raw still, and it's not safe to eat raw meat. Now, if your child is like, really, you know, totally down the Watchdog or the Possum pathway, and you can't use any Owl brain strategies, then you're not going to want to use all those words. But if your child has the capacity to use a little bit of Owl brain. Then first reassure them, providing a lot of safety. We absolutely are going to eat. Look, I'm cooking. We will eat when this timer goes off, right, like, make things as concrete as possible. And then see if there's a way that you can create some kind of like structure out of that waiting time. So maybe something like while we're waiting those five minutes for dinner to finish cooking, how about you put out the spoons and the forks for everybody, right? Give them something to do with that time structure that time, or invite them in to help something that brings a little bit of structure and, ideally, a little bit of connection and co-regulation, if possible. But you know, waiting five minutes is a lot harder than you know, while we're waiting, could you put spoons and forks on the table as well? Right? Like, fill that time. If it's not something that's quite as concrete or quite as short term, like, maybe they're earning money to buy something they really want to buy, or they're waiting for a really fun trip. Or something like that, you're going to want to find ways to make the waiting as concrete as possible. And in this way, you might consider bringing in what like visual trackers, tokens, tickets, not as a reward system, but as a way of helping your child track something very concretely that otherwise could feel really abstract. So maybe they are earning a certain amount of money for every chore that they do, and if they do that chore 10 times, that's when they're going to have the amount of money that they need to be able to buy this thing that they want. 

Robyn: And so instead of maybe giving them, you know, the money every time they do that specific chore, maybe you give them a token, or you do it like a check box, something that helps them visually track it so they can see how many I've gotten, but also how many do I have left to get. And then some kids might need that broken up a little bit, like for some kids, let's just, we'll keep using the example of 10. Maybe 10 is that's just too long. That's too big of an amount. And so you're going to want to break that up, like, in, you know, with five checks, this will happen, and then in five more this will happen. That kind of stuff. You want to, like, break it down a little bit same, if you're maybe waiting for something, if you're if, if some exciting thing is happening in two weeks, you might pull out some sort of visual system, you know, print out a calendar, maybe, or like, I don't know when I was a kid, we used to do those, like paper chains to count down to holidays, something like that, something that makes it very clear, very visual, not only how much has passed, but how much is still, you know, in that, how much is still being waited out, right? Like, how far in the future is this thing still again? This isn't a reward system. It's really about offering co-regulation and structure to help kind of soothe the nervous system and keep that Owl brain working nice and strong.

Robyn: You're also going to want to talk a lot about frustration tolerance and how it's possible to feel bad and still be okay. Now, generally speaking, the time to talk about this is not in the middle of feeling bad, but maybe after, you could find a way to reflect on how that was so hard, and that feeling felt like it would never go away, and that it would feel bad forever. But actually, the feeling did go away eventually, and then maybe I'll even be able to say and then eventually, also time passed and dinner came, or we earned that thing, or that fun trip happened, or, you know, something like that, you know. So that's not going to solve all your problems, but it's kind of an important piece of it to in reflection, look at how we didn't get stuck in that yucky feeling. That's what's happening. Y'all like, it's so uncomfortable to not have what I want when I want it, and it's more uncomfortable than the regulation circuits can navigate. And oftentimes for kids with vulnerable nervous systems, there is this felt sense of also This feeling will never, ever end. So looking for ways to make it really clear that it did feel bad and you were okay, even though it felt really bad, and eventually that feeling ended. We don't want to try to convince kids it doesn't feel that bad. It does I don't like not getting what I want when I want it, either, right? Let's not try to pretend these things don't feel bad. What we want to emphasize is we can feel bad and be okay, and eventually feeling bad goes away. Now, some times when kids kind of get stuck in that, like, I can't wait, I want it now. Now, now loop. 

Robyn: There can be this feeling of like, perseveration and or this feeling of obsessiveness and distinguishing between the two. Can be helpful with making some choices about what to do next. Now, I'm not going to go into that in depth. Actually, the difference between preservation and obsessiveness, because my friend and colleague, Eileen Devine, did a brilliant podcast episode all about this, and I don't need to rehash it, because she did it brilliantly and better than I would like. She's so good at articulating and explaining these kinds of things. So. So Eileen Devine's podcast is called Think brain first, and I will make sure a link to that and then to this specific episode gets into the show notes, because it is so good. It is one I'm really regularly referring parents to over in the club. Oftentimes a part of this like, I can't wait. I need you know the frustration tolerance issue often, what's tied into that is having a hard time regulating through the feeling of disappointment. And there is a children's book that tackles disappointment better than I've seen any other children's book tackle disappointment. It's called gorilla's muscles. It is so precious. Has beautiful illustrations. It does such a great job of honestly looking at the feeling of disappointment without trying to, like, toxic positivity your way through it, but just being very real that, like, disappointment is a hard feeling. I have another podcast episode about disappointment and then maybe you want to go check out? I definitely talked about gorilla's muscles in that episode as well. Brielle, disappointment is a very, very big feeling. It's one we don't give a lot of we don't give enough credit to for how intense it is and how much regulation we need in order to navigate the intensity of disappointment, and a lot of us didn't get the co-regulation we needed when we were feeling disappointed. It tends to be a feeling that gets minimized, and we kind of approach it with the sense of like, you need to just get over it, right? And what happens then is that that feeling doesn't get the co-regulation it needs, it doesn't get the integration it needs, and therefore the feeling of disappointment actually remains really big and really intense, as opposed to becoming a feeling that is more tolerated over time, right, like As the brain grows and so kind of our instinct to minimize and essentially send the message of like, you got to get over it. 

Robyn: That is actually backfiring. We need to kind of find the sweet spot between not over-emphasizing, like how terrible something is by really giving it tons and tons and tons of energy, like we don't even find the sweet spot between that and offering co-regulation through disappointment and acknowledging that disappointment is actually a very, very hard feeling. So those are the things I want us to keep in mind as we kind of go forward from this episode is really reframing this behavior, really seeing it through the lens of the brain and the nervous system and the Owl brain, that when the Owl is nice and strong, the Owl can tolerate frustration. It can think into the future. It can regulate through hard feelings like disappointment, but when the Owl is really fragile, it's really hard to think into the future. Wants become needs. Regulating through the feeling of disappointment becomes very, very, very tricky, and there can be this sense of, I'll never get what I need, or I'll never get what I want. If we can strengthen those skills, we will ultimately help kids not minimize disappointment, but regulate through disappointment and and be able to wait, or be able to hold on to their regulation enough that they can advocate for themselves about why they need this thing sooner than what you know they're having to wait for, right? There's all sorts of options that become available when we can keep our Owl brain around. So if you can see moments of gimme, gimme, gimme, now, now, now, buy it for me. Buy it for me. Buy it for me, if you can see moments like those as opportunities to really offer the co-regulation that your child needs through those hard moments. You're not just helping them through that moment, but you're really building their brain so that in the future, disappointment won't be as hard to regulate through. We're really thinking long term here, right? And I get it y'all like, this is a hard one for me. You know, offering co-regulation through like the demanding now, now, now, behavior is really hard. We don't have to do it all the time, but we can keep it on our radar as something we want to. Work to do as much as possible offer co-regulation through that experience, instead of just sort of like trying to squash it or move past it, or even discipline or punish for it. So in addition to the podcast I've already mentioned here, over in the free resource library, I have a resource about co-regulation. I have a couple different resources that are for parents to strengthen their own Owl brain so that you can maybe stay more regulated in the face of your kids baffling behaviors. There's that free ebook and webinar on focus on the nervous system. 

Robyn: So many resources that can help you with this one, of course, those previous podcasts I mentioned, for sure, there's one on disappointment. There's another one on frustration tolerance that I've done before, and if you're a member of the club, then over in the resource library or in the On Demand Learning Library. Y'all, there are tons of resources that are very specific to growing the Owl brain, right? Like we've got videos all about growing the Owl brain with felt safety, with connection, with co-regulation. There's several different downloadables or printables that give you, know, help you remember those strengthening the Owl brain, tools and strategies. Y'all, there's that scaffolding master class. There's the validating the feelings, even if they're irrational, pieces. There's the matching the energy master class. That's another great one to use for, specifically to really strengthen the Owl brain. So yes, if you're in the club, y'all, there's so many things. And if you want more suggestions, just come into the forum and ask, I can give you some more suggestions on this specific topic, delayed gratification, frustration, tolerance, what to do when our kid just can't seem to wait. I really want you to walk away from this episode with is reassurance that this isn't a character problem in your child, okay, and you're not spoiling them by approaching this behavior with connection, co-regulation and felt safety. They need a boundary, of course, like I'm never here advocating for. Well, just abandon all boundaries and give them whatever they want. That is not what I'm suggesting at all. But if we can see the behavior through the lens of the nervous system, then we can respond with connection, co-regulation and felt safety that will strengthen their stress response system overall, grow their Owl brain so that in the future, there is more capacity to regulate through disappointment not getting what they want exactly when they want it, things like that. I know it's really hard to like, tune out the way that society labels folks with this behavior, and that's what I'm here for to help just continuously remind you this isn't a character problem, and you're not a bad parent. You have a child with a very sensitive stress response system who is really struggling to regulate through these really, really hard feelings. They're not bratty. They just need some more support. And of course, we're not perfect parents, and we're not going to respond with connection, co-regulation and feel safety to this behavior all the time. That would be impossible. We can just try to do it as often as we can.

Robyn: All right, y'all. So I hope this episode about frustration tolerance, delayed gratification, helping our kids wait, felt really helpful. Hope you feel like you took some strategies away from this episode, and also have some ideas about where to go to next if you want to explore this specific topic even further, and I will be back with you again here next week on another episode of The Baffling Behavior Show, bye!