Your Trauma-Shaped Nervous System Makes Sense {Ep 256}

Robyn: We are regularly assuming that people's quote, unquote bad behavior has some sort of personal component to it. But I also think that in the kind of field of parenting work, and in the field like my field of doing attachment work or children's mental health work, we are so quick to make the cause of a challenge be about the relationship, and then we really emphasize using the relationship as the way that we kind of fix things or make things better, right? Like, how many times have you been, in some way, shape or form, been given the recommendation, even for me, right, that if you want your kid to be more, I don't know, cooperative, then you want to focus on the relationship, or if your kid is being defiant or oppositional, well, That's there's probably something about the relationship that's a struggle, right? Or if they're lying to you or being rude to you, that that's a deliberate behavior of disrespect, I mean, that gets communicated, I think, both implicitly and explicitly, in the parenting world, and I'm positive even I have contributed to communicating that, right? Like, if your kids dysregulated, they have a behavior problem, look at the relationship. I mean, one of the things I say is regulated, connected kids who feel safe do well, right? So there's that connection piece that's a big part of that equation. And y'all it is, of course, true that when kids are struggling, I mean, when humans are struggling, that responding to that struggling person relationally, or, you know, with connection or kind of connection forward, that is almost always really, really helpful. But simply because that's true doesn't necessarily mean that the problem was relational or connection-based in the first place. Behavior comes from the nervous system, right? Defiance or sassiness is about a nervous system in protection mode, and so sure, when somebody is sassy to us or rude to us or refuses to do what we've asked, it absolutely feels like a very personal thing 100% and is it more helpful to remind? 

Robyn: Remember that defiance, sassiness, you know, intentional disregard, all of those behaviors are behaviors that come from protection mode. And I think more often than we realize, our kids are pushed into protection mode because of things that are happening in their body or how they are dealing with sensory input, like sounds or lights or textures. Remember how the nervous system decides safe or not safe, connection mode or protection mode. And this is about felt safety, right? And there are these three, like buckets of felt safety inside, outside, between, the between buckets, the relational bucket, right? The inside bucket is what's happening inside the inner world, right? And then the outside bucket is what's happening in the relationship. So there's actually a lot of possibilities about what could tip a nervous system into protection mode? A lot more possibilities than just something happening with the relationship right, or something happening in that between space, but still, so often, the behaviors that emerge from protection mode, they really feel relational, right? They really feel personal. And so it's hard to remember, like, well, there's these other two buckets. They might have something going on internally, or they might be, you know, reacting to something that's happening in the environment, right? There might be some sensory input that's too loud or too fast or too prickly or too smelly, right? I mean, think about this for a second, really, every single thing that the brain processes is sensory, right? Like everything we're processing coming is coming in through our senses. 

Robyn: We see it or hear it or taste it or touch it or smell it, and 100% some kids have a diagnosable sensory processing disorder, or some a very clear sensory processing challenge. But even kids and adults humans who don't have a diagnosable sensory processing challenge, even those folks are continuously processing sensory information, right? And sometimes that sensory information, that sensory data, that's coming into their nervous system and that they're processing, sometimes it can just be too much, and when things are too much, our window of stress tolerance starts to collapse, and we shift into protection mode. Then it's really hard to regulate through stress, like getting the cup that you don't want right? We can't regulate through that stress and protection mode behaviors emerge, right? Things like yelling, screaming, cussing, shutting down, being rude, being defiant, being really hard to please, right? These protection mode behaviors emerge, and they're often directed at someone. That's kind of just how human work. Being human works, right? So these protection-mode behaviors emerge. They're being directed at someone, maybe you. So it feels like a relationship problem. It feels like a connection problem, right? It feels so personal, but really it was just about some sort of overwhelm in their nervous system. 

Robyn: Kids with vulnerable nervous systems are no very vulnerable, and things that other kids can regulate through our kids just struggle with more. It could be, as I don't know, simple as the fluorescent lights have been chipping away at their regulation all day long, the lights as well as the sound of those lights, right? Or maybe the overwhelming or yucky smells from the cafeteria have been chipping away at your kids, kind of regulatory circuits, right? So many things that our kids are navigating all day long, what things smell like, what things look like, clutter, bright lights, too much stuff, right? Too much brightly colored stuff. Some kids, their sensory threshold is the opposite, and so maybe not enough visual stimulation could be challenging for your kids sensory system, right? So again, we think about those five senses, what we can see, what we can hear, what we can taste, what we can smell, what we can touch, and think about how easy it is to overlook the ways that our kids are kind of having their nervous system, almost like assaulted or bombarded by sensory data, or again, some kids aren't getting enough, right? Their needs aren't being met in their sensory world. Like maybe you have a kid who needs a ton of movement and they're having to sit too much during the day, you know? It could be something like that. And as the seconds, the minutes, the hours of the day take on right? Slowly, slowly, slowly, or sometimes very quickly, your child's window of tolerance starts to just collapse. Then you give them a drink in the red cup instead of the purple one that they wanted. Though you didn't know that they wanted it, or maybe it was in the dishwasher. It was dirty, right? So you give them a drink, it's in the red cup, not the purple one, and they chuck it at you and scream at you that you're an idiot. 

Robyn: So of course, that feels so personal, especially because you are doing something caregiving. You are doing something relational, and then it was responded to such intensity, right? That, of course it feels personal, and of course you want to then respond defensively yourself, and I know for me and for a lot of parents that I talk to, there's also this fear that if we don't deal with the behavior head on, meaning like overtly address the behavior, right, that we're unintentionally, or maybe unintentionally, like, excusing this bad behavior, we're not going to nip it in the bud. We're teaching kids they can just do whatever they want. So if your kid is rude or defiant, right? They say, Why are you such an idiot? And you didn't give me a cup, a drink in the purple cup, right? It can feel so hard to think about that through the lens of what's happening in their body, and then addressing that, because what we really feel compelled to address is something like, Hey, you can't talk to me like that. Now, to be clear, I am not suggesting that if we're aware of the fact that a challenging behavior has emerged because the body is overwhelmed, I'm not suggesting that we don't also eventually talk about finding different ways to talk to each other, right? We can still head on address the behavior challenge, but if what was driving the behavior was more just about like a body-based overwhelm that flipped them into protection mode, as opposed to, you know, some sort of connection or relationship-driven challenge. Then we've got to address the body or the sensory piece. 

Robyn: Then we can go and also talk about the behavior. So in this example, let's say, truly, I give a, you know, give my kid a drink. It's not in the right color cup. I didn't know that, and my kid, you know, pushes it back at me and tells me that I'm an idiot for giving them the wrong cup. This would be really, really, really hard to do. But if I'm gonna make the assumption that that wasn't only about the relationship, like my kid's not just being a jerk, then I might take a breath remind myself that they've, I don't know, maybe just come home from soccer practice and they have been running and sweating and having people run into them and touch them. They've been out in the sun. Maybe they've been feeling the grass right. The coach has been yelling at them. They've been hearing like referee whistles, I don't know, right? I could remember that. I could remember like, all of the sensory bombardment that they've just been dealing with, which has probably left their nervous system right at the edge, right at the edge, so one little stressor pushes them out of their you know, their window of tolerance, they respond to something that feels very personal. 

Robyn: And I could then take a breath, and instead of addressing the disrespectful behavior immediately, I might actually say something like, oh, you really wanted the purple cup. Let me grab the purple cup out of the dishwasher, wash it real quick, and you can have this drink in the purple cup. Now I know that this might horrify. Are you? You might be like, Oh my gosh, my kid's gonna talk to me like that, and I'm gonna give them what they want. Well, if we, if we shift our paradigm away from give them what they want, and instead think about give them cues of safety, so that their nervous system can shift back into connection mode, right? And so finding ways to bring their nervous system and shifted, you know, shifted away from protection mode back into connection mode, and what that means for your kid is going to really vary, and maybe one of the things that would be helpful was to not get in an argument about the cup to realize you're going to probably be pretty stuck until the drink comes in a purple cup. And so grab the purple cup out of the dishwasher, wash it up, you know, switch the drink, hand it to them, and maybe also, you know, nutritious protein snack as well, or maybe you also turn off the music that's playing in the background, because you are wondering if that could be contributing to some sensory overwhelm too. So you're going to think about all of these things from a sensory perspective first, then once the nervous system shifts back into connection mode and hydration, the sensory experience of drinking something cold, all these things are all adding cues of safety into that kind of felt safety, those felt safety buckets so we might then see the nervous system tip back into connection mode, and then I can Consider if the right next step for my child is to say, All right, I'm feeling so much better after getting a drink too. 

Robyn: It looks like your Owl brain has come back too. Now that we've gotten home from soccer practice and we've had a break and you've gotten a drink out of the purple cup, remember just a couple seconds ago when you told me I was an idiot for giving you a drink in the red cup. I wonder if it'd be possible to say, Hey, Mom, I really wanted a purple the drink in the purple cup, right? And you can prompt them into finding the words that can help them, like, negotiate their needs and in more personal, relational way, right? I know many of you listening are like, Ha, yeah, as if my kid would shift and say, Oh, mom, darling, dearest. I'm so sorry I was so rude to you, Mother, please. Could I please have a drink out of the purple cup? I get it. I know your kid is maybe not yet at the place in their regulation, and maybe their obel brain isn't strong enough yet that they can easily shift like that. But that doesn't mean we don't still prompt it. That doesn't mean we don't still kind of plant the seeds for it, and trust that as their regulation grows, as their owl brain grows, that they will be able to make some of those shifts and adjustments when we over focus on The cause that seems to have been the tipping point, but isn't actually the real cause, like the red cup, right? When we over focus on that, we end up missing out on supporting our kids in a way that's going to actually be helpful, and we start to really see them as kids who are just bossy, defiant, rude, lazy, right? Like all these kind of personal, characterological labels, instead of as kids who are exhausted from a sensory perspective and just can't take one more thing, y'all, sensory overwhelm is a real thing, even for kids and adults who don't have, you know, a diagnosable sensory processing disorder. For example, when I'm really fried, my nervous system is super sensitive to noise, and I will snap at someone and be not very nice, simply because of the noise in the environment had nothing to do with the person, right? 

Robyn: But I'll snap and be not very nice, because that's what happens when the nervous system shifts into protection mode. If you have more than one child, then I'm certain you've dealt with your kids fighting with each other maybe one or two times in your entire life, right? And sometimes the fighting has maybe even been really, really intense and or even dangerous. So again, it's like really easy to assume that this behavior problem is relational, and we label their fighting as jealousy or sibling rival, sibling rivalry, or one of them feeling like they're getting really unfair treatment, or they just don't like their sibling. But let's also remember. Y'all siblings, brothers, sisters, they're loud and maybe messy, and they're sitting too close and oh my gosh, they're touching me, right? It feels personal, but it's not actually personal. It's just the sensory input that puts that fragile nervous system right over the edge. Then you've got kids who are hitting or screaming or shouting cuss words, and it feels like we need to intervene in their relationship, figure out how to help them get along better, but really, your kid just fell down the protection mode pathway because of sensory overwhelm, and their sibling was right there to take the brunt of it. When we see behaviors that look relational. We tend to focus on relational strategies. We want to help our kids talk to us more respectfully. We want to support more connections between them and their siblings so they'll be nicer to each other. And don't get me wrong, adding in or supporting connections often does support regulation, but if we only focus on the relational aspect, we are really missing out on solving that real problem. I know when your kid cusses at their sister, you want to focus on that behavior. What if you paused and wondered, Hmm, what's the noise level in this room right now? 

Robyn: When was the last time I child moved their body? Have they had a lot of control over their sensory world today, or have they had very little control? Did they not eat lunch at school because the cafeteria was too stinky and now they are very hungry? It's actually pretty remarkable how much stress humans can deal with before they melt down. If your child goes to traditional school, think about things like, how their school is lit? What does it smell like there? How loud is it? Are they sitting in an uncomfortable chair most of the day? Did recess get canceled because of the weather? All of these moments accumulate and add up and create trust in the nervous system. In fact, I'm going to do another episode. I'll air it next week. That's all about school, and then how we can see the sensory overwhelm, just like spill out after school. You know, sometimes we call that after-school restraint collapse, like kids hold it together all day, then they come home and they kind of lose their marbles. Now, there's many reasons for this to be true, and one reason can be the accumulation of sensory stress without enough regulation. We're going to talk about that specifically with regards to school and next week's episode, because, of course, our kids don't go to school all day long every day. There's a lot of other situations where our kids are having to navigate sensory input all day long, right? I mean, maybe you've used a new cleaner in your home and that smell is aggravating to your child, but they can't really articulate it. Maybe it's been raining and cold for days and your kid hasn't been able to move their body that much. Maybe they had yogurt at lunchtime and they ate it, and they liked it well enough, but the texture also felt kind of yucky to them. I mean, it was just one more piece in the sensory overwhelm bucket, right in and of itself wasn't too much. They actually ate it, but it was just one more thing in that sensory uncomfortable or sensory overwhelm bucket all these things add up and leave the nervous system running ragged right the window of tolerance shrinks, and one seemingly small irritation will just send them right over the edge, and it is so hard to remember that What looks like bad behavior or rudeness or even aggressive behavior might not actually have anything to do with what it seems like your child was reacting to, and it might have everything to do but just being absolutely fried in their nervous system due to how hard their system has been working all day.

Robyn: So here's what I want you to do. I want to encourage you to bring a new lens to your kids in the next few days. What are the sounds that they're dealing with all day long? What are they processing visually? What are they smelling? Maybe even actually jot down some notes. And remember, this is not about your kid having a sensory processing disorder. I mean, they might, I don't. I don't know that, but they don't have to have a sensory processing disorder to have some sensory sensitivities. I know I certainly do, and when I'm fried, sensory input can send me straight in to protection mode. Humans are continuously processing sensory data. So it makes sense that as our window of tolerance changes, sensory data can overwhelm or offer regulation so we can shift or tweak or adjust the sensory input we're. We can add in more pressure or more proprioception. We can change the smells in your home. We can offer headphones. There's so many relatively simple sensory strategies and supports that can really help your child either stay in connection mode longer and return to connection mode more quickly after they've fallen down their protection mode pathway, even when my child is rude to me because I gave them a drink in the wrong cup, I can stay focused on regulating their nervous system. Remember that being hydrated, drinking, gulping, swallowing, having cold liquid in your mouth, maybe drinking through a straw. All of those experiences could be regulating from a sensory perspective. So if I give my child the drink that they're asking for out of the purple cup, even though they've asked for so rudely, I can shift away from thinking I've just given them what they've wanted and shift instead to thinking I'm giving my kid the support that their sensory system needs, so that they can shift back into connection mode. Then, if needed, we can tackle that specific behavioral problem, you know, like demanding something or asking for something really rudely, or calling names. So I'm not saying we don't address those things. 

Robyn: We just want to address all these things in the right order. I'm somebody who really loves movement, so when I worked as a play therapist, it was really natural for me to bring a lot of movement-based interventions into my work. The more and more and more I learned about vulnerable nervous systems, specifically because I worked with so many kids with complex trauma, the more aware I became of their sensory sensitivities. And then I learned how to make accommodations in my room. I learned how to help their parents make accommodations. And yes, of course, of course, of course, sometimes I prefer them out for an occupational therapy evaluation, because that was outside my scope of practice, but supporting parents and tuning into their child's sensory needs not treating a sensory processing disorder. I'm not an occupational therapist, but helping parents tune into their child's sensory needs is one of my very, very, very favorite things to do. Because of that, I have put together a lot of information, a lot of suggestions, a lot of supports, a lot of resources related to supporting your child and their sensory system. And I usually offer all of these things, either in the club, only in the club, or maybe, like, if an organization hires me, they want me to come teach a class or a webinar. But I'm going to teach the class that I have, the webinar that I have, all about sensory strategies for dysregulated kids with baffling behaviors. I'm going to teach that webinar live to the public on March 24. Of course, you can come live, super fun. Love hanging out with y'all, and then you can ask questions. But if you can't come live, that's cool too, because we'll record it. You'll get the recording. It'll be really easy for you to watch and review the recording, and also then access all the recess, the resources, I'm thinking about movement, so I said recess, all the resources that go along with it. And y'all, if you're in the club, you know this webinar actually already exists in the club, and after I teach it live on March 24 I'll update it. 

Robyn: So even so, if you're in the club, I'll give you the link to attend live, but if you can attend live, don't worry. It'll get updated inside the club video library. And if you're listening to this, this podcast in the future and it's past, when this webinar aired on March 24, yeah, just know, I store all of these things over in the club. So if you really wanted to access this webinar and all the resources that go along with it, you could hop into the club the next time we open you'll get that webinar all those resources, plus, like 9 million billion, trillion other ones too. So this webinar all about sensory strategies. It's going to take you through the five external senses, right, and look at common things at both home and school that can impact our kids and their nervous system. So sight, touch, smell, taste and things that we can hear right our auditory system. We're going to look at all of that, how we might be able to shift things around so that we can support our kids and feeling more regulated. From a sensory perspective, I'm going to give you oodles and oodles of very practical ideas. I'm also going to we're also together, going to look at proprioception and the vestibular sense, common things that often contribute to some vulnerabilities at home and at school. And then. Some very practical and fun strategies and interventions that will help support your child's body with proprioception, vestibular input, things that will actually support their nervous system regulation. I mean, when I'm dysregulated, I like to go for a walk or a run or go to the gym. And if I haven't been to the gym in a while, I start to feel a little off. I really need the proprioception. I need the body impact so I can, like, feel myself and be regulated. And my guess is you could notice some similar sensory things for you as well, some things that, if you aren't, you know, kind of getting your cup filled in the way you usually do that, you start to feel a little off. And I'm hoping that together, we'll be able to uncover some of those things for our kids as well. The webinar is going to come with bunch of bonuses, so hopefully it won't feel like you just get information. Hopefully it'll feel like you get the supports and resources that you need in order to be able to actually use the information. 

Robyn: Like I said, if you're already in the club, please don't register. I'll post a login link. The recording will go into the On-Demand Learning Library almost as soon as we're done next week's podcast, like I mentioned, we're going to look at one very common aspect when we're going to get really narrowly focused looking at sensory overwhelm or underwhelm at school. And then I mean, kids can melt down at school because of it, or sometimes they can manage, like, hold it all together at school, and then they'll come home, and then they'll melt down at home, right? So we'll look at what are some common sensory stressors that kids are often experiencing at school. So again, we can shift the way we see our kids behaviors, not take it so personally, meet or adjust to the sensory needs that are underneath it. Then once we're back in connection mode, we can go back and if needed, you know, navigate or deal with the specific behavior. If this is a topic that feels like you could really benefit from, like a deep dive into then I'd love for you to come to that webinar. Robyn gobbel.com/sensory, webinar, y'all, it's only $19 you get the webinar, you get the recording, you get all these resources. And again, if you're hearing this in the future, you can come join us in the club. The webinar, all the resources are in there. Robyn gobbel.com/sensory, Robyn, webinar that's going to be on March 24, of course, of course, you do not have to come live. Y'all, I totally get that our lives are bananas, even when you think you can come live, something happens at the last second and you can't anymore. 

Robyn: So we take the recording, we store it somewhere really easy for you to access, and you'll have months to be able to log in, watch the recording and get all the resources. So I got you there. I totally get life is too chaotic to depend on being able to log into something live. All right, y'all. So next week, come back to the podcast, press play. We'll talk about sensory stuff specific to school, and then on March 24, hopefully you can come and join me at that webinar. If you and I just met today for the first time, I really didn't tell you that much about me, so go to Robyn gobbel.com Learn all about me. You can find my book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors over on my website. Subscribe to the podcast. If you go to Robyngobbel.com/podcast, there's a search bar. So if there's a topic you're wondering, if I have a podcast about, you can go search there. And of course, you can go to Robyngobbel.com/freeresource hub to get access to about 25-ish free resources that have been designed like really intentionally and thoughtfully to help to help support you in this wild journey of caring for a kid with a vulnerable nervous system. All right, y'all I'll be back with you again next week. Bye-bye.