The Neurobiology of Being Human
Connection-based parenting (or trauma-informed parenting or parenting based on the neurobiology of being human???) gets this bad rap for being boundary-less parenting. How will kids ever learn the rules or to be kind or to have empathy if we allow them to never follow the rules, be kind, or have empathy?
This question seems to come from two primary places: fear AND an inaccurate belief about the true nature of people (which actually, is also fear…).
In all the work I have done with parents, teachers, caregivers, therapists etc. it’s usually not too hard to begin the paradigm shift to understanding the neurobiology of being human. It gets hard when something doesn’t go right and fear sneaks back. Then we are back to wondering about consequences, accountability, etc. We say things like “They can’t get away with that!” or “How will they ever learn?” or “I completely agree with everything you are saying but there still has to be a consequence.”
Basically, we get controlling!
Just like every other human on earth who gets afraid. So human and normal.
I’ve come to see this as a normal developmental milestone in the switch to understanding the neurobiology of being human. The first stage in this paradigm shift is willingness to move away from punishment and shaming, but it’s still with the intention to control behavior- there is just a desire to control behavior with compassion and connection instead of punishment and shame. So when the first wrench gets thrown in and a child has a melt-down, we throw up our hands and insist that this new approach doesn’t work OR that it does in fact work but now it’s time for a consequence.
All this is a sign I’m with an adult who feels like their tool-box has been completely emptied and there is nothing to refill it. Well then yes indeed, that WOULD be scary!!! Tremendous fear then drives the adult into dysregulation and controlling, reactionary behavior. In almost all circumstances, if I can co-regulate the adult, speak to their long-term fear, and maybe even provide an actual idea of how to navigate that specific challenging behavior (basically I provide structure & nurture, connecting to the right-brain, offering a technique to the left-brain, and then come back to connection with the right-brain), the adult will come back around to being willing to continue down this new path of understanding the neurobiology of being human..
: )
But I’ve also noticed another reason that adults panic over how children will learn kindness, empathy, and the ability to ‘do the right thing’- we have some left-over inaccurate beliefs about the nature of people. Many of us were raised to believe that left to their own devices (ie, without punishment or control) humans are only interested in themselves and will not behave appropriately.
This simply isn’t true!!
We know that humans absolutely have the capacity for both- to be both self and OTHER interested.
We know that this capacity for BOTH is nurtured in the co-regulated secure attachment relationship. That the ability to dampen impulse in order to prioritize relationship (with self, others, society, etc.) is a developmental milestone that WILL BE ACHIEVED if we continue to grow their little brains through attuned, connected, coregulation.
Empathy grows in this fertile ground!
The brain develops this amazing ability to map the other person, to know their experience, so actually generate a felt-sense of their experience in our own bodies while STILL connecting to our OWN felt-sense. BOTH!!!! But this amazing super-power is literally developed inside a coregulated relationship where the child experiences being seen, felt, and known. And to be honest, we aren’t providing the experience of being seen, felt, and known when we use punishment, control, and assume the worst. In those circumstances, we are only responding to the behavior we SEE (and to our own fear) and we are NOT responding to what’s really happening for this child and who they really are.
And OF COURSE we parent with boundaries!!! Of course we DO show kids how their words, actions, etc. impact us and others. Parenting with the lens of understanding the neurobiology of being human doesn’t mean we ignore bad behavior. Not in the least!! We still set boundaries, have expectations, and do our best to set our kids up for success. It’s just that we do it without punishment, shame, or consequences because we realize WE DO NOT NEED TO!!! It’s really actually quite freeing.
When we are cussed at or disrespected, we first decide if the child is regulated enough IN THIS MOMENT to insist on more respectful behavior. IE “Whoa. I am hearing that you need something. I will work with you on that but we must have more respectful behavior/words/tone/body language.” If the child cooperates, we know something about their level of dysregulation (not that high). If the child escalates or otherwise doesn’t cooperate, we know something ELSE about their level of dysregulation- that it IS that high.
So we shift our focus to connection and regulation.
Maybe this does look like ‘ignoring’ it at first, while tempers calm (including ours).
Maybe we take a quick break. Maybe a breath. Maybe a drink or a snack. Maybe it’s “Hey..what’s going on here and how can I help?” or “We don’t talk to each other like that in this house but it seems like something isn’t right. What do you need?” (Set the boundary AND stayed curious about what was driving the behavior). And if you ignore it (it’s not really ignoring…it’s intentionally focusing on regulation and connection, knowing that cooperative and respectful behavior will naturally emerge once we establish regulation and connection…) then we make sure to revisit it again.
Most importantly, we do NOT do this out of fear. We do this with confidence AND compassion, but not fear. When we don’t hold a boundary out of FEAR, we aren’t providing the safety and coregulation that children need for their brains to grow.
Humans are DESIGNED to be their best selves. To thrive in relationship. To develop behaviors that keep them included in the group. Really!!!
Robyn
- Mini Pep-Talk for When You Feel Like You’re Failing {EP 220} - May 6, 2025
- 20 Non-Therapy Therapeutic Interventions {EP 219} - April 29, 2025
- Questions To Ask a Potential Therapist! {EP 218} - April 22, 2025
Incredible wisdom,
I am passing this along
Thanks Marty :)
I do not understand why some blogs have incredible traffic with a nice message, present well and some outstanding blogs receive minimal interests
This post alone is a 💎 gem.
The old proverb, if I only save one, that one may grow up and save the world
I have so many thoughts on this! Your points are excellent and well stated. I hope to be able to paraphrase adequately to some of my families.
As a parent of 5 children myself, I know the voice in the back of my head frequently reinforced the need for “consequences” or “they’ll never learn” and then “they’ll grow up self-centered and who-knows-what”. I feel like I have evolved over the years, but I can relate to those fears you mentioned. Also, I just finished listening to the Polyvagal Theory webinar (again) which segues nicely to this blog. :)
I do wonder about how as our lifestyles have shifted a bit and our kiddos often have less contact with a wider range of adults (extended family, neighbors) that has impacted our children developing a wider repertoire of self-regulation strategies… This could get highly philosophical quickly!
Hi Robyn,
thanks so much for your excellent piece. I think there is much room to discuss how regulation and with it empathy, generosity, positive behaviour goes through co-regulation and connection. I am really interested myself in those areas at a very practical level as my husband and I have been working on this topic ( some challenging behaviours of our AS4). But I think we need to be clear ourselves on how to set limits in a connected way (no punishment, consequences etc) and one needs to be able to do so really quickly and timely and this can be tricky sometimes. I wish I could see something to move my thinking forward in this direction.
Warmly,
Anna