Boundaries with Connection {EP 2}

Robyn: Boundaries with Connection is what I wanted to hop on to Facebook and talk with y'all about today. This is a pretty common conversation that I'm having really regularly with parents, with professionals who are supporting families. You know, as we do the work to shift into a more regulation, connection, and felt safety approach to parenting, to being in relationship with our kids. And a way from a more kind of behaviorist or punishment way of supporting our kids, some pretty common questions seem to arise. If you aren't very familiar with this regulation, connection, and felt safety approach. I'm gonna put a link down in the comments about a free training that I have over on my website. It's about 45 minutes long, that covers kind of an introduction to shifting into a more regulation, connection, and felt safety approach to parenting. It's an intro though, so it's there's so much that's not covered. And again, this boundaries are consequences, or kind of this question of like, but if we don't use consequences, how will they ever learn? Or sometimes I get the yeah, like I really, I really buy into this model, and I really want to parent or be with kids or teach be in the classroom with kids or be in my therapy office with kids in this way. But what happens when it doesn't work? So those are some pretty common questions that I get that I just thought I'd pop on today and chat with y'all just a little bit about it. 

Robyn: So typically, I get those questions from adults, when one of two things have happened. One is, they still haven't completely shifted over to this regulation, connection, felt safety model. Meaning they really like many aspects of the model. But a full, kind of jumping into really believing in the relational neurobiology of being human, is there still a few a few steps to take before being, like, fully into that model. Because what I have- what I have found to be true for myself is that once I really- once I really bought it, like once I really was, like eating, and drinking, and sleeping, and using the relational neurosciences in all of my relationships, not just in the therapy room, but with my child and with my spouse and with my friends. Once I really bought into it, the question of like, well, how will they ever learn? Or well, what do I do when it doesn't work, that just sort of floats away? Because that's not really the question that we're asking. Right? The question becomes, what parts of regulation do we still need to spend time with or where are there lapses in connection or health safety that I hadn't hadn't noticed before?

Robyn: So that's one reason. One that there's still some time to really fully immerse ourselves in the model and that's, that's fine. That's- it takes time to really be with this kind of new paradigm in a way that it feels all encompassing. The other thing that I see happening, is when that question comes up, is that adults have just lost their own, you know, stronghold in their own regulation. So the question of “but- but what do I do?” or “how do I give a consequence?” or, or “how will they ever learn?”. That's often a clue to me, like, Oh, I'm just- I'm with an adult, who needs some support with regulation, or connection, or felt safety. Because that's where our brain goes, when we shift out of our own window of tolerance. When we lose some of our own regulation, our own connection to ourselves, our own felt safety, we start to panic. We start to lean into some of our old ways of being and our old beliefs that are really deeply entrenched in our culture and in our own neurobiology that we need a punishment. That we need some sort of specific consequence, right. So oftentimes, that's all that means, right? That, oh, as an adult, that's just a sign that I've lost some of my own regulation, connection to felt safety. Because regulation, connection of felt safety applies- applies to everyone. That applies to us too.

Robyn: In fact, I'm working on something. That's because if you- if you're familiar with me, you know that one of my phrases is regulated, connected kids who feel safe, and also know what to do, they behave well. Sometimes we have to redefine what behaving well means but they behave in developmentally expected ways. Right? But the same is true about parents, right? regulated, connected, parents who feel safe, are parenting, in a line with their values, and ideals. So to go back to thinking about boundaries. So, this approach to the parenting regulation, connection, and felt safety is definitely not a boundary-free parenting. Yes, Alicia. That's right. We as adults lose access to our thinking brain too. And, there's probably a delay, y'all, and when you guys are writing comments, or when I'm seeing them, but yes. Yes, Alicia says “we lose access to our thinking brain too” is that's absolutely true. Because we are just as human as our kids are, we just all have our own unique vulnerabilities, about what place is at risk of losing connection to our thinking brain, right? 

Robyn: So but this approach to parenting, this relational neurosciences or approach to parenting, connection based parenting, is definitely not boundary-free parenting. And sometimes, I see that- that seems to be what is experienced by folks who are newer to this model. That it feels like because there's no punishments, because there's no consequences. And what typically people mean, when they say consequences is punishment. That means I have no tools left to hold boundaries. So that's a place to just pause and be with ourselves. And notice what boundaries even mean, what boundaries are. And what other tools do we have for boundaries that aren't punishments? Because there really are-  there really are quite a lot, right? 

Robyn: So if we think about consequences, again, I just said consequences are often used just to replace the word punishment. That we've sort of shifted into that, especially in the- in the parenting world, we've started to talk about consequences, we really just mean a punishment. Consequence, the word consequence just means the thing that happens next, right? So if I put my hand on the hot stove, the consequence is that my hand gets burned, right? It wasn't a punishment, it wasn't contrived by another human. It's just the thing that happens next. So parenting through the lens of regulation, connection, felt safety, in- in my mind doesn't mean consequence free. It definitely doesn't mean punishment free. Or I mean, it definitely doesn't mean boundary-free. It does mean that we are anchored in our belief that regulated, connected kids who are feeling safe and know what to do, behave in developmentally appropriate ways. That doesn't- that means that sometimes they do things that they're quote, unquote, not supposed to do, right, because that's developmentally appropriate. And we don't need to rely on punishments to teach kids how to act appropriately. If we focus on their regulation. If we focus on connection. If we focus on felt safety. Human beings are designed to be in connected relationships, which means we're designed to behave and be in the world in ways that invite relationship. If we're focused on regulation, connection, and felt safety, I don't need to punish somebody into acting correctly. Because the regulated brain and the connection that I have with that person and their experience of felt safety, and the environment, and in themselves, and in our relationship is going to allow, like pro social behaviors to emerge.

Robyn: That means that sometimes we have to make adjustments to allow our kids to be as successful as we hope that they can be out in the real world. And by adjustments, I mean, adjustments in how much- how, like, adjustments in using their own internalized regulation, right? So- so a lot of times, difficult behaviors in kids mean they need more connection to a regulated adult. And I can almost certainly guarantee that if you started tracking some of these really difficult behaviors, what you'd see is they're happening, and times when kids are losing access to a regulated adult. Either because that adult is no longer super regulated, or that adult is no longer able to provide the close co-regulation that that child needs. For example, getting through, like a transition. Um, you know, that moment when everybody's finally ready to get out the door. And then you- you know, quick, grab your keys in your- your keys, and your purse, and make sure the dog is crated. That's what we're doing at my house. Right. And in that moment, right of everyone's finally ready, and now we're actually leaving, that is oftentimes a time where there's some behavioral problem. Well, what has happened is that the co-regulation has been severed, right? Um, parents are often saying to me, well, as soon as I'm not with my kid anymore, as soon as they're not in my sight, or as soon as I leave the room, then these behaviors erupt, and I can't trust them. And it totally looks like trust, like it absolutely feels like mistrust. Like, oh, you only behave the way that I'm expecting you to behave when I'm there watching you. And that definitely can feel like a trust issue. But what that usually is is a co-regulation issue, right? That when we're with our kids, they have enough access to their own thinking brain, they have enough access to their impulse control, they have enough access to the part of their brain that thinks into the future, right? Like, if I do X, Y is going to immediately happen, and it's something I want, but then Z is gonna happen in 10 minutes, when my mom comes back in, and I- that's not what I want, right? Those are pretty high level brain functions. And our kids need a lot of co-regulation in order to access that part of their brain. 

Robyn: And so, so often, boundaries with connection can mean tightening up the literal distance between us and our kids. It- boundaries with connection means seeing their behavior and seeing the times where they struggle, and seeing the times where they are, you know, having a difficult time complying with the expectations, as information that we need to make some adjustments to their experience. To their environments. To how much literal physical distance they have from us, or emotional distance they have from us. So when I have challenging situations in my own house, if I’m regulated enough, which is definitely not all the time, right? I, you know, make threats and lob out absurd punishments just as much as the rest of us do. But if I can maintain my own regulation, and there's something going on in my house, that's not really the way things are supposed to be going. I'm asking myself the same questions. What's happening with their- with this person's regulation? Is this person feeling connected to me? Is something going on with felt safety? And how do I make adjustments to that?

Robyn: You know with kids who have experienced early trauma, and then have some, we could say like, developmental delays in their development of their own internalized regulation. What that often means is, we're providing more co-regulation for these kids than their same age peers. We're providing more co-regulation for these kids than we really wish that we had to, right? Like, I don't want to hire a babysitter for my teenager. But if my teenager repeatedly shows me that, when I'm not home, they're making decisions that aren't safe for them, I might be faced with the need to hire a babysitter for my teenager to bring an adult regulated brain into the experience to offer my kids some co-regulation. Boundaries with connection might mean my 10 year old can't be dropped off at birthday parties, you know, I always use that example. And I really need to stop because I know there's a lot of birthday parties happening- happening these days. But you know, boundaries with connection might mean that my 10 year old needs me to be present on the sidelines at their extracurricular activities. These aren’t punishments, these are noticing the amount of co-regulation that your child needs in order to keep their thinking brain involved. And their thinking brain is again, impulse control, thinking about consequences., you know, valuing the relationship over just what they want to do in that immediate moment. A regulated brain is required for all of those extremely complex social skills. 

Robyn: So often, helping our kids be successful, involves kind of like tightening the reins, like bringing them closer to us. Have- they have fewer freedoms away from us as their same age peers. So without a doubt, this can feel like a punishment to your kids. Right? I am not promising that, you know, connection based boundaries and connection based consequences won't be experienced as a consequence by your kids. We ultimately are never in control of somebody else's experience, right? And so, my suggestions for that- my suggestions for this moment of like, okay, well, I can, I can offer these boundaries, I can offer this, um, this way of supporting my child's need for co-regulation, but my kid experiences that a punish- as a punishment, what do I do about that? You know, my first thought about that is, first of all, make sure that you aren't delivering it as a punishment. Because I know that even those of us who are like, really committed to this model, and this belief that regulated, connected kids who feel safe, you know, are doing- do well. It's still easy to get lulled into wanting to use a punishment. Wanting, you know, we're so hopeful that something we could do could solve this problem that we accidentally eek into punishment mode, unintentionally. 

Robyn: So that's my first, you know, suggestion is just double check- just double check your experience. And is there any part of you that is offering this boundary or this consequence as a punishment? And if you notice that, that's just a moment for a lot of self compassion, a lot of acknowledgement at the bravery for even looking at that. A lot of compassion for ourselves for how hard things are in this moment. That what we want to do is lean into a punishment, right? Then we can move back into regulation. And maybe we can do that quickly. Or maybe we just need some time. Maybe before, you know, offering up this new boundary or offering up, you know, that the consequence and the consequence meaning the thing that happens next. We just have to take time to get regulated, so that we can make sure that we can offer the boundary, let our kids know about the new boundary while we're regulated. That's important for two reasons. One is that, that helps us, you know, stay out of punishment mode. Two, that helps us be open and available for our child's reaction. Because no matter how you offer a boundary, it is still very possible that your child reacts as if you are offering a punishment. And that means their reaction might be one of anger, tantrum, I mean, the sky's the limit, right? Um, so we want to make sure that if we're regulated and our kids feel us as offering a punishment, but we haven't offered a punishment, that means that we can stay present, and available, and continuing to offer boundaries for whatever their reaction might be. That they are allowed to have a reaction. That they are allowed to, to feel mad about the new boundary. That all of that is, you know, is allowed, right? That doesn't mean that the boundary that we have to set needs to be changed.

Robyn: Alright. So let's see, if I'm gonna do a little bit of a recap. I wonder if I can, if I can do that. We talked about when it's common for parents to shift into “Ahhh! But what about a consequence”, right? And that that's so often means that that parent has lost some of their own regulation. That's fine. That's normal. Let's just notice that, offer ourselves compassion. And we talked about how we, you know, boundaries and consequences with connection mean, creating an experience that allows our child to be successful and receive the amount of co-regulation that they need in order to be successful in that moment. And then we talked about, what about when that consequence of that boundary does feel like a punishment to a child. To the- to our child, and that we are responsibilities to make sure we aren't offering it as a punishment. And then our next responsibility is, can I receive and hold my child's feelings about the fact that it feels like a punishment to them?

Robyn: All right, well, this was super fun. I do have a blog article that I wrote, I don't even know, a couple of weeks ago, about boundaries of connection. I'm going to pop that into the comments as well. And then again, there are all- earlier in the comments. There is a link to my free video series Regulation, Connection, and Felt Safety if this is a new approach to parenting for you, I'd love for you to go and grab that. It was awesome to be with y’alll today. I look forward to doing these more and more. See ya!