Connection Can’t Not Work

But we might have to redefine ‘what works’ in parenting.

Many years ago, I was asked to guest blog on the topic “How do I know when a parenting method just doesn’t work and I should give it up?”  I didn’t end up accepting the invitation but it sure did get my wheels spinning.

Does Connection-Based Parenting Work?

Brain-based.  Therapeutic.  Trauma Informed.  Attachment. Parenting with the Brain in Mind.  There are lots of catch phrases to capture the idea of parenting a child through the lens of the relational neurosciences- truly understanding the relational neurobiology of humans, the brain, relationships, and why we humans do what we do.  During the course of my career, I’ve watched a shift from punitive, behavior-based parenting strategies to connection, felt-safety, and regulation-based strategies.

This is great- except that we are still talking about strategies. 

Our left-brain (logical, linguistic) leaning culture reallllllly wants us to have a checklist.  Strategies.  Techniques.  To have someone say “If you do this this this and then this, then this will happen.  And everything will be fine.”

Where’s My Checklist???

When I was pregnant, I knew just enough about attachment to know it was important.  I had done research in graduate school on Reactive Attachment Disorder, and I understood the cycle of attachment (baby has need, baby expresses need, parent meets need, baby soothed), and gosh darn it, my baby was going to be attached to me.  I remember flipping through Dr. Sears’ “The Baby Book” and literally wondering where he had hidden the checklist.  I was the queen of “Just tell me what to do.”  I wanted a list of 10 things a parent does to make sure their child is securely attached.

I didn’t find it.  I did find enough people on the internet to tell me that secure attachment involved co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and baby-wearing.  Great.  Check, check, and check.

What has taken me years of parenting, being a partner, being a therapist, and being a client to learn is that there is no checklist.

Because secure attachment is cultivated through a way of being, not doing.

OK so rewind back to the original question.  This potential blog topic keeps popping up.  In my office, in my in-box, in parent groups.  Parents might ask “How do I know when connection-based parenting just isn’t going to work and I should throw in the towel.” Or maybe even “I tried that connection thing.   Dr. Seigel? Whole Brained Child? TBRI?  Those are great and all…but it didn’t work for my kid.”

Here’s the thing.

Connection can’t not work.

We have to reconsider, reevaluate, and redefine what we mean by work.

Can I give you a set of techniques- a checklist of sorts- that will stop your child’s challenging behaviors?

Unfortunately, no.

Are there ways to take the concepts of felt-safety, connection, and regulation and operationalize them in a way that helps parents – especially struggling and stressed out parents- will be able to implement into their home?

Fortunately, yes!

In my course Parenting after Trauma, Minding the Heart and Brain I’ve done exactly that!

There are some risks, though, when we try to operationalize connection.  The first one is that we take connection right out of connection.  What if I really did parent my newborn with a checklist?  Baby sling.  Breastfeeding.  Cosleeping.  I went through the motions.  I did what they told me to do.  Am I guaranteed a baby with secure attachment?

Unfortunately, no.

Because it’s not about doing. 

Especially with a newborn, a right-brained (nonverbal) tiny being.  Newborns don’t know about the checklist.  They don’t even understand my words.  Their nervous system responds to my tone of voice.  My facial expression.  My own nervous system regulation.

The same is true for our bigger kiddos.

How do you know connection-based parenting is working?

Because connection can’t not work.

What does it mean to work?  Does it mean we see behavior change?  Seeing behavior change can be great, but even when behavior changes it doesn’t mean that the way we are parenting is ‘working.’  Sometimes behaviors change and new, replacement behaviors emerge.

Sometimes behaviors don’t change.  But that doesn’t mean connection-based parenting isn’t working.

Connection based parenting is about trusting in the truth the connection is a biological imperative.  That our brains change in resonant relationships.  That no behavior is maladaptive.  Connection-based parenting means that when behaviors are difficult or pushing away relationship, we get curious about why.

Connection based parenting means children experience that their difficult behaviors don’t make them difficult people.  That they see themselves through our eyes as perfectly imperfect people who sometimes have very difficult behaviors that make sense, given what’s happening for them internally (because behaviors are simply an externalization of someone’s inner experience).

(You may want to check out podcast episode 11- Changing How We See People Changes People)

We can’t control if a child feels connected, regulated, and safe.  But we are absolutely responsible for creating an environment that invites connection, supports regulation, and provides safety.  If we do all those things and our child’s behaviors haven’t changed, does that mean that connection-based parenting doesn’t work?

Absolutely not. Connection can’t not work.

Robyn