Parenting Superpower! X-Ray Vision {EP 13}

Robyn: So let's get back to talking about superheroes and superpowers. I kind of love talking about superheroes and superpowers. Hands down. My favorite movies are Marvel comic movies. I will watch them over and over and over again. And I'm a lady who likes to watch movies repeatedly anyway, and almost always I'm asking for Iron Man or the Avengers. Or, you know, recently, I watched Ant-Man finally, and I gotta say, I liked Ant-Man more than I expected. So superheroes, superpowers. Why on earth are we talking about that? Well, if you could have a superpower, specifically one that supports you in your parenting, what superpower would you choose? I know that if I had the power to give you a superpower. It would hands down like I wouldn't even have to think twice about it. I would give you the superpower of X-ray vision. And more specifically, this would be x x-ray vision that would let you peer immediately into what's happening inside your child. This is a useful superpower, honestly, at any time, you know, if we can have some awareness of what's happening inside our kids, that's always useful information. But I think it's especially useful and especially important, if we could have this X-ray vision when our kids are demonstrating behaviors that we find pretty challenging. You know, if we could use this X-ray vision or maybe put on like x-ray vision goggles in the moment of difficult or challenging behavior, and see like what's happening in their brain in this moment, what neurons are firing, what memories are awakening.    

Robyn: You know, like memories that are verbal memories that have pictures associated with them, that feel like memories or memories that are pre-verbal, or don't have a picture that go along with them, don't have that felt sense of remembering, we would call those implicit memories. What dangers are they detecting in their environment, or in the relational space or inside their own bodies, right? Like, how hard is their accelerator being pressed? What's their level of arousal? What's the energy that's underneath their behaviors coming from their autonomic nervous system, right? What neurotransmitters are flooding their brains, or what hormones, right? And why would any of this even matter? Why would I choose x-ray vision to be the superpower I gave out to every parent everywhere, but especially parents of kids with challenging behaviors, parents of kids with a history of trauma. Why x-ray vision power over something that seems a lot more fun, like superhuman strength or being teeny tiny like Ant-Man or shooting spider webs out of your wrist, right?    

Robyn: Well, the attachment and parenting research and literature have this concept called reflective functioning and mentalizing. And if we looked at attachment research, attachment literature coming out of academia and then being applied to our clinical lives, like in the therapy room, or to our practical lives as we're parenting. Mentalizing and reflective functioning are these two ideas that continually come up when we're looking at secure attachment and how secure attachment is created, and what is a really important characteristic of a parent who offers secure attachment we find reflective functioning and mentalizing. I call reflective functioning and mentalizing x-ray vision. So I just want to simplify it. Take away words that are kind of hard to remember or seem a little bit confusing, and we're just going to simplify this and call it x-ray vision, okay? So reflective functioning and mentalizing. You know, x-ray vision is the ability to see past what you can see, right? Which are the behaviors, the behaviors are what's being acted out. The behaviors are what we can clearly articulate and clearly see right so reflective function, mentalizing, x-ray vision is the power to see past the behaviors, past what you see. And think about, consider, be curious. Have some ideas about what's actually driving those behaviors, what's going on inside, what's going on inside our kids? Or, honestly, we can apply this concept to anybody. It's not just about kids, but what's going on inside that's fueling the behaviors, what's underneath the behaviors, what's driving the behaviors?    

Robyn: The brain is literally behind everything. Every single thing we do, the brain is underneath. And there's a moment when I say that out loud, and I think people hear me say that out loud, there's a moment of like, well, obviously, right? Like we wouldn't exist. We wouldn't be doing anything without the brain to support all of those functions and behaviors. But sometimes we do lose sight of the brain driving behavior. So for example, the behavior of lying, right? I think it stands to reason that we should consider what's going on in our kids brain when they're telling a lie, right? And and then what would happen like, if we really could think about what's going on like a step past the behavior, a step past the lie underneath it. If we could consider that, you know, what would change? There are an infinite number of things happening in our brains, our minds, our bodies and our nervous systems at any given moment, right? So I primarily teach parents and professionals to consider three primary things like these are by far not the only things. These are the things that I have found to be the most helpful to parents of kids with challenging behaviors, as well as the most applicable, that we can actually get some useful information out of considering with our x-ray vision goggles, what is our child's regulation? What is our child's connection, both to themselves and to the adults, the other people in their worlds? And what is my child's experience of felt safety, right?    

Robyn: So when I'm asking parents about x-ray vision goggles on, I'm specifically thinking about, let's get curious about regulation, connection and felt safety, right? So is my child regulated? So here's the thing, because what we know about the relational neurobiology of being human, and that connections of biological imperative and what our brain is always seeking and looking for and trying to move towards right if my kid is behaving in a way that is out of control, are not inviting connection? The answer is probably no, that they're not regulated, right? Dysregulation isn't only about like chaotic, out of control behavior. I'm also considering behaviors that aren't inviting connection to be dysregulation. So even behaviors that look in control, behaviors like a really intentional or well thought out lie, for me, that indicates the possibility of a lack of felt safety. A lack of felt safety turns on what we call protective behaviors, instead of connecting behaviors, and and I talked about the difference between connection and protection in a previous episode, right? So a lack of felt safety turns on protective behaviors instead of connecting behaviors, and then the intensity of those behaviors really depends on where my child is on the arousal continuum, and I also have an early podcast episode that talks about the arousal continuum, and several blog articles about tracking the arousal continuum as well. I'll link to all of those in the show notes.    

Robyn: And then we can consider connection, right? When we think about lying, is my child out of connection with me and therefore not really concerned about the impact of this behavior on our relationship? Or is my child concerned about the impact on our relationship and the connection and and that's why they're lying, because they have a fear that if they tell the truth, the connection will be impacted. Is my child prioritizing what they want in that moment, as opposed to maintaining our relationship through a value like honesty, right? So are they prioritizing their want, which, oftentimes especially for a dysregulated child can feel like a need, or for a child with a history of a lot of trauma, wants and needs get confused and conflated, and wants can feel like needs. So is my child prioritizing a want over maintaining our connection through honesty, if we assume that kids know the right thing to do, I mean, in general, kids know, like they have the cognitive knowledge that lying isn't the right thing to do- if we're going to talk about behaviors in black and white terms like right and wrong, which isn't always helpful, but if we're going to talk about the idea of lying, you know as as wrong, as opposed to honesty being right, right, most kids know that, right?    

Robyn: So the behavior isn't a matter of them not knowing, right? If that's true, it's not a matter of the child not knowing what the quote-unquote, right thing to do is. Then I make the assumption that there's something going on with regulation, connection and or felt safety. I mean, I couldn't say for certain that this is 100% right in all circumstances, that we can always trace behavior to regulation, connection and felt safety. I haven't done a formal study. I can't really prove the null hypothesis all that kind of good stuff, right? But honestly, I really can't think of a situation in which I was using my x-ray vision goggles with my child or with my spouse or with my clients or or with the parents of my clients that I couldn't eventually see how a challenging behavior was related to a lack of connection, a lack of regulation or a lack of felt safety. I really can't think of a time where I couldn't trace it back to one or a combination of all of those things, right? If we can see through to the real problem, we can address the real problem. If I know what's driving the behavior, what's underneath the behavior, then I can go there and address that.   Okay, so let's go back to the superpower of x-ray vision, and now I'm going to add, let's call it a booster pack, to it. Okay, so now we have x-ray vision that not only allows us to see what's happening inside our child that's connected to a behavior that we can observe, but now with this booster pack, it lets us hold in our minds the truth that our own mind influences what we are seeing. Yeah, so this booster pack gives you like x-ray vision back on yourself. It's kind of like it bounces off your kid and comes right back to you, or something like that, right? That I can use this x-ray vision not only to consider what's happening inside my child and be curious about that, but I have awareness of the fact that my mind is influencing how I see through those x-ray vision goggles. Our child's minds and brain and nervous system impacts their experiences in the world, and so do ours, right? As the adults, as the parents, my behavior, my mind, my brain, my nervous system is impacted by all those experiences that I've had. Right?    

Robyn: So what's happening in your brain, mind and body and nervous system, which is, of course, impacted by everything that's ever happened to you in the past. You're influencing how you're seeing your child in that moment. It's influencing how you're seeing your child's what theoretically seems like observable, objective behavior, right? But it's all it's influencing that, like nothing is truly that, you know, objective, right? So it's influencing what we can see, and it's also influencing how our x-ray vision goggles are working. So again, if we stick with the lying example, and that's easy enough, I'm gonna have a podcast episode next week, that'll be an even deeper dive into the behavior of lying. You know, I can use my own x-ray vision goggles on myself to notice my reaction to the lying. My nervous system experiences lying as like a danger-danger sign, right? So then I move into a protective place in my own nervous system, right? So I move out of a connected place in my nervous system and into a protective place in my nervous system, and then this contributes to my child's experience of felt safety, because part of how they're experiencing felt safety is the connected or protective state of my nervous system. I know this starts to get a little bit convoluted and feels a little like a house of mirrors, so try to just stay with me here, right?    

Robyn: So now I'm in a protective place in my own nervous system, and that means I'm probably not using my thinking brain very well, because when we move into this protective state of our nervous system, our mind and our brain and our body is starting to prepare to respond to danger, and sometimes staying connected to our thinking brain when we're facing danger is really important, and sometimes staying connected to our thinking brain when we're facing danger is not important, and it is actually like a hindrance. It really depends on our neuroception of the level of danger and our level of arousal. But regardless, I'm like because I've moved into this protective space, I've probably lost some of my curiosity, some of my x-ray vision about why we're in the middle of this lie, depending on my own past experiences with lying, I may have gone zero to 60 and zero to 60 fast, right? If lying is a behavior that feels particularly vulnerable or triggering to me, which it might based on my own past experiences of lying and being lied to.   

Robyn: So then, what is the benefit of using these x-ray vision goggles? Because, honestly, it's a lot of work. It takes a lot of practice and a lot of work in our nervous systems to, you know, put on and keep on those x-ray vision goggles, especially in the face of challenging behaviors, which is, you know, exactly when we need those x-ray vision goggles the most. So like we mentioned previously on the podcast, that x-ray vision is my simple metaphor of describing these concepts of reflective function. Functioning and mentalizing and reflective functioning and mentalizing are consistently connected to raising kids with secure attachment. So the neurobiology behind secure attachment, is that secure attachment is related to emotion regulation, right? Secure attachment is related to having that pause before a reaction or an explosion. Secure attachment is related to insight, empathy, morality, relational skills. So like basically everything you're hoping for when you're raising kids is secure attachment support. So secure attachment is about relationship, but secure attachment is about the brain, and secure attachment is about the development of the brain in a way that contributes to and supports emotion regulation, response flexibility, that's that pause before having a reaction, insight, empathy, morality, relational skills, which is pretty wild, and the first time I read the literature connecting secure attachment to these important brain functions like emotion regulation, response flexibility. I mean, I was just I was blown away. And in a way, I haven't stopped researching and learning about this. I mean, to me, this is the relational neurobiology of being human.    

Robyn: So what are those x-ray vision goggles about? Why are they important? Well, x-ray vision goggles help us stay regulated, right? If, if I can see clearly what's happening inside my kid, I'm more likely to let go of like, any reflex or impulse to kind of personalize their behavior, or to catastrophize their behavior, or to kind of future trip on their behavior, which, which means, uh, future tripping is about leaving kind of the present moment, and, you know, starting to be really overwhelmed by this catastrophic future that I'm imagining for my child, right? And so it leaves- it takes me out of the now, and pulls me into, oh my gosh, this terrible thing is going to happen to my child in the future if I don't get this behavior to stop right now, right? So when we stay regulated, we deal with the behavior better. I mean, always when we're regulated, we're going to deal with the behavior better, because we're going to have a clear mind, right? These x-ray vision goggles also then help our kids feel really, truly seen and known. Right? When we have x-ray vision goggles on, our children are experiencing, even non-verbally, the truth that we know they aren't bad or a liar or a thief, right? Your child, when you're with them with your x-ray vision goggles, gets to experience the truth that you know that they are in this amazingly precious human being who is just struggling in this moment and demonstrating a behavior that isn't working for you, right? That both are true, that they're preciously wonderful, amazing humans who are struggling, and that this behavior is not okay, and we need to do something to address it, but that their behavior isn't who they are, and our kids need us to see them this way in order for them to know it about themselves, because they develop their ideas about who they are based on what they see in our eyes, based on what we mirror back to them.    

Robyn: And that was also a previous podcast episode, the changing how we see people changes people, right? And when our kids begin to know and understand this about themselves, that they're not bad kids, they're amazing kids who are struggling, things just simply get better, right? When we understand that our behaviors are results of what's happening on our insides, we feel more empowered. It feels possible for us to do something to change those behaviors, and we can help our kids believe that too, like we can help our kids understand that they do have some power and control over what's happening for them and then ultimately what's happening for their behaviors, but if we feel like we're just bad kids or liars or thieves, we aren't feeling very empowered to do anything to change those behaviors, because we believe they can't be changed. We believe they're like a core part of who we are, so x-ray vision goggles allow us to actually solve the real problem, right? Whatever is driving the behavior, think about like a row of crashing, cascading dominoes, with the final domino being the behavior. If we can see the real problem Domino, we can pull out that domino and potentially stop the crashing cascade that ends up in this challenging behavior.    

Robyn: So truly, I promise, if I'm ever offered the opportunity to grant a superpower to the whole wide world or even just parents of kids with a history of trauma, I'm going to choose x-ray vision with a booster shot. I don't see that happening anytime in the near future, so since I don't know, I'll be given a magic wand or my own superpower that would allow me to grant other people's superpowers, I'm going to just keep teaching. I'm going to just keep helping you learn about the neurobiology of being human. I'm going to keep helping you learn about how trauma impacts the neurobiology of being human, and that's why I am so fiercely driven towards this goal, towards the goal of understanding how are we- how are our minds and our brains created? What is the neurobiology of being relationally human, and then, how does trauma or other types of of experiences or brain based differences impact that neurobiology of being human, which then ultimately impacts behaviors, because then, even when we don't have a superpower granting superpower, I can still help you develop and nurture and grow that x-ray vision. So we're just going to keep doing this, more podcasts, more blogs, right?    

Robyn: And I have a super special treat in store for you. My next episode is going to be like a bonus episode, so there's going to be two that come out this week where I get to talk with Eileen Devine, a neuro-behavioral support coach with expertise in supporting kids with brain-based differences that result in behavioral symptoms. Eileen is the creator of both the Brain First Parenting Program and Resilience Room and beyond that, Eileen is just amazing. She's a friend. She's a trusted colleague. We talk all the time, and I'm just so extremely grateful for my friendship and my relationship with Eileen, so it she was the obvious natural choice to be the first person that I invite onto the podcast is I try out interviewing someone else, which is a whole new experience and a whole new skill that I'm not sure that I have created yet. So I'm just going to keep practicing.    

Robyn: If you're parenting a kid impacted by trauma, or supporting families who are caring for kids impacted by trauma, you can find so many free resources over on my website, blog articles, more podcast episodes, several free video series. You know my video series on trauma, memory and behavior comes with a free ebook. I have a video series all about introducing you to the model of regulation, connection and felt safety, if that's new to you. So head over to RobynGobbel.com and just poke around see what's there. You'll discover all sorts of great, different free resources. And while you're there, you can sign up to be one of the first to know when my comprehensive online course parenting after trauma, minding the heart and brain reopens for registration, which I'm anticipating will be sometime in mid-February 2021 don't forget to add Parenting After Trauma to your favorite podcast player, so you'll always have the most recent episode at your fingertips. And of course, please share with your friends, colleagues and everyone who helps care for kids impacted by trauma, teachers, coaches, lawyers, casa, caseworkers, everyone we are together on this mission to really change the world, and we're going to start with adults who love and care for kids impacted by trauma. Thanks for tuning in to today's podcast episode, and I will see you next time!