Child always dysregulated? Try this! {EP 18}

Robyn: My intention remains the same, to get free, accessible support to you as fast as possible, so the podcast isn't fancy, and I do very little editing. Sometimes you'll hear a cock-a-doodle-doo in the background, though, while we're in the middle of this polar vortex that's happening a little less often. If you love this episode, add Parenting After Trauma to your favorite podcast player and share it with your friends and colleagues before we dive in today, I want to make sure you know that as of the day, this episode goes live, Parenting After Trauma: Minding The Heart And Brain, which is a comprehensive, fully online and self paced course for parents of kids impacted by trauma, is once again open for registration. I'll tell you a little more about it at the end, but you can read all the details and register over at RobynGobbel.com/parentcourse.   

Robyn: I have known so many families in my office. I meet them at conferences or connect with them online that really, truly want to parent from this brain-based attachment, informed trauma, informed lens, right? But, but the constant anger, the defensiveness or the rudeness or or even the complete shutdown and unwillingness to engage at all leaves parents understand really, feeling really lost, confused, unsure how to use these trauma-informed parenting practices and honestly, even angry, helpless, hopeless, ready to just give up. This might even be you. You might be feeling like really whiplash, right? There are so many great trauma-informed, brain-based, connection-based parenting ideas out there, and you're hearing them a lot on this podcast. You're trying them, but they really just don't seem to be working right? You're the verbal aggression and your home isn't decreasing. You have a child who just feels chronically angry or extremely anxious or won't even get out of bed, it's pretty hard to offer a connection to a child who is practically spitting anger at you, and maybe even literally spitting, which is an extremely triggering behavior, for sure, I've cleaned up a lot of spit off of myself and off of things in my office. Without a doubt.   

Robyn: Living with somebody who's chronically dysregulated leaves us chronically dysregulated. So the first step, and if this isn't your first episode or connection to me, you're not going to be surprised at what the first step is. The first step is just to notice your experience, notice your own dysregulation at living with somebody who's chronically dysregulated, notice how on edge you are, notice how tired you are, notice how afraid or angery you are. And honestly, I think this is extra important for parents who have really invested in diving into this brain-based, connection-based, kind of, trauma, informed way of parenting, a byproduct of that, an unintentional byproduct, for sure, especially as somebody who teaches this way of parenting, you know, an unintentional byproduct has become an increase in parent self-shame around their own experience, or their reaction to their kids really challenging behaviors. Somehow parents are getting the idea that once they learn about this stuff, or once they learn about how important their own state of regulation is, or their own way of being is, or their response to their child's behavior. Once parents start to really understand how important that is, it seems that, again, unintentionally, especially on my part, I can't speak to other parent educators, but for sure, for me, unintentionally, what often happens next is when parents can't, you know, perfectly, implement these practices, or when they find themselves still being really angry or feeling really helpless or hopeless, having their own just very normal human reactions. This somehow turns into some self-shame, like because you understand the neurobiology, and because you understand levels of arousal, and because you understand what's driving the behavior, somehow, that means you shouldn't have a normal human reaction to what is very difficult, sometimes even dangerous, but if nothing else, extremely exhausting behavior.    

Robyn: So let me just say you know that that that's not the expectation, that the expectation of brain-based, relationship-based, trauma-informed parenting, isn't that you check your humanity at the door. You're still a human who has normal human responses to really difficult behaviors. And that doesn't even speak to the fact that the resonance circuitry in our mirror neurons and these, you know, pieces of our neurobiology that we really want to lean into when trying to offer up regulation, connection, and felt safety to our kids, but the very existence of the resident circuitry in our mirror neurons suggest- I mean, it requires that, doesn't suggest that, requires that we join their dysregulation, right? The if we're with somebody who's dysregulated, our neurobiology first is pulled into joining it well, parenting from a relationship-based trauma-informed lens, means that theoretically, we're the more regulated person in this pair. You know, you and your child, and again, you know, as I said, theoretically, hopefully, as much as possible, we're the more regulated person in this pair. And so therefore, unfortunately or unfairly and also empoweringly, it is our responsibility as much as possible to stay as regulated as possible, to notice that we're being pulled into the dysregulation, to notice it. Right? We can't do anything until we notice it, and we have to be honest with ourselves that it's happening, and understand that it's just a normal part of being human.    

Robyn: Okay, so I said the very first step, and again, you know this, if you've been following me for any length of time, is notice how you're impacted by your child's chronic dysregulation or dysregulation that feels chronic. Notice just how an edge this is making you. Notice how tired you are, notice how angry or afraid you are, or again, helpless or hopeless, right? And send yourself a little bit of compassion. And send yourself as much compassion as you possibly can. You couldn't possibly offer yourself too much compassion. And if you want a little more information about self-compassion and offering yourself compassion. I have a blog and I have previous podcast about self-compassion, specifically for parents of kids impacted by trauma. So you're noticing it, you're taking a breath, and I'm sorry you're noticing it. You're sending yourself compassion. You're taking a breath right? And now you're able to realize that your child seems pretty stuck and high alert or fear or in even a terror state of arousal. And I'm specifically referencing Dr. Bruce Perry's levels of arousal. His arousal continuum that goes from alert to alarm to fear to terror. And if you're not familiar with Dr. Perry's arousal continuum, you can check out a blog, RobynGobbel.com/watchdogbrain, or go back to one of the very first episodes of this podcast, I talk about looking at arousal instead of simply looking at behaviors.    

Robyn: Okay, so once you've realized that your kid is, although it's easy to label them as, you know, just rude or defiant or not interested in connection, or, you know, refusing to cooperate or compliant. You know, it's really, it's so tempting to fall into these labels. If we can take even just the slightest step back, use our X-ray vision goggles, we can see that really what we're dealing with is a pretty chronically stressed out, dysregulated brain that's relatively high on the arousal continuum, right? So when our kids are that aroused, that dysregulated that's stuck in a place of fear and truly, this is a place of fear, even if it looks mean or angry or shut down, the priority is to calm the arousal and see if we can invite the thinking brain back online. That's it. That's really the only other goal, safety, calm arousal, see if we can invite the thinking brain back regulation and felt safety. These are our top goals. You notice I didn't say, address the behavior, or make the behavior stop, or make sure this behavior doesn't happen again in the future, addressing the behavior is an important goal, without a doubt. It's just that, if the brain is stuck in that level of arousal, the top goal needs to become regulation and felt safety.    

Robyn: And as we cultivate more regulation and felt safety, the behaviors will start to decrease as the arousal decreases. That's just what happens as we decrease arousal. So you've noticed your own dysregulation. You've sent yourself some compassion. So that means you've finished with step number one. Though, of course, this is going to need to be continually revisited, because that's not, you know, a given. That's not something that once we do it once it's just always there, right? So, noticing compassion, noticing compassion, right? I mean, we've got to do those, and we've got to do that step pretty regularly, because we can't invite our kids into regulation if we aren't regulated. And I know, I know that that's not fair. I know that that's a huge responsibility. I know that honestly, I would say that that kind of sucks, and it's true, and it could feel empowering, right? Okay, so we've done all those steps. The very next thing to do with a pretty chronically dysregulated kid is offer drinks or snacks or get their body moving or in some sort of different state. And I tell you what this can feel so hard, because those kinds of things feel like rewards, drinks, snacks, getting their body movement moving, and really feel like we're rewarding, you know, we're playing into their bad behavior.    

Robyn: But you're going to have to trust me, then in this moment, we're not, if we're doing it from a place of like, panic or trying to, you know, I will give you this if you'll just behave, that's a different story. But that's not what we're doing here. We're not offering drinks or snacks or movements from a place of panic or like a begging place, like, please, please, please behave and I'll give you this drink. We're doing it from a place of understanding that behavior is simply an externalization of inner experience, and if we can decrease the level of arousal, we're going to decrease the difficult behaviors. And I honestly think one of the easiest ways to do this is to feed them, water them and move them. So first, offer a drink, right? This could be any kind of a drink. Honestly, there's no like, magical drink, but for a lot of people, extreme temperatures, so like something super cold, like a smoothie, or super hot, like coffee or hot chocolate, or even, like, really, really hot, you know, like chicken broth. It can be really regulating and drinking through a straw, something really thick through a straw, like having to work pretty hard at it, is often regulating as well.   

Robyn: Offer a snack. Offer them something to drink or to eat. Right? Again, this could be any snack, because, in a way, like being offered something to eat or a snack when you're not behaving very well is typically a surprise, right? And that, in and of itself, actually could invite in some regulation. But particularly think about snacks that have, you know, a major, a big sensory component, crunchy snacks, chewy snacks, snacks that are for sucking on, like a jawbreaker, a sucker, those types of sensory experiences can be especially regulating and for some people, bold flavors like spicy or sour, super Sweet, can also be regulating. Now, as I'm talking about, like, the kinds of drinks that can be regulating, kind of snacks it can be regulating. Obviously, this really varies, you know, child by child and brain by brain, so you'll have to do some experimenting here and see what works for you and see what works for your child, and then see if you can entice them into some body movement, maybe like a thumb war or arm wrestling or or even like a break outside to shoot some hoops or go for a bike ride, a living room dance party, crashing onto the bed or the couch, right?    

Robyn: Or, you know, for some kids like moving their body that big is going to be really hard. So think about smaller movement, a fidget, Play-Doh, simply getting, you know, some movement from like one chair to the next, you know, one room of the house to the next. Cooking and baking can be really good ways to get in some small movement, especially baking, if you're really using your hands to, you know, work out kind of, whatever it is that you're baking or creating, right? The more sensory experiences, the better. And now we're also combining, you know, food with a little bit of movement. And cooking and baking doesn't have always this feel of, hey, let's move our body so we can feel better. You know, pretty dysregulated people resist overt attempts to get help them feel better. So part of the art of this is offering these opportunities in a way that isn't, you know, sending the message, I want to change you. Okay, alright, so if your kid seems to be in that chronic alarm or fear-based state of arousal, be consistent with food, drink and movement. Don't think about these things only in the middle of moments of dysregulation. Be really consistent about food and drink and movement. Make sure your child always has, you know, snacks available. Make sure they're really hydrated. Make sure that they have drinks and snacks available to them that they like, so that they aren't getting hungry or thirsty.    

Robyn: Both physiological states, hunger and thirst can have the very likely effect of driving up dysregulation. So if we have a pretty chronically dysregulated kid, you want to do just about anything you can to prevent your kid from getting hungry or thirsty, and this might mean compromising with yourself about what kinds of drinks and snacks you offer or feel acceptable or appropriate in your family, and then be really consistent with getting in movement. Now where I live, it's the middle of winter. It's also the middle of a pandemic, without question, our bodies aren't moving as much as in regular times. And even in regular times, our bodies aren't moving as much as they should. So we're going to have to get creative. But I would really prioritize, you know, getting movement in at the very beginning of the day, starting with movement you're getting outside, dressing appropriately for the weather, if you can. You know, just looking for creative ways that will work for your child and for you, of course, to get the body moving, really want to prioritize food and drink and movement over just about anything else. And then again, if you have a really chronically dysregulated kid, you also want to think about structure, routine and predictability and as much of those things as possible. So I know a lot of families in the middle of a pandemic where structure, routine and predictability are taking a nose dive. That's definitely true in my own house, that things are just pretty loosey-goosey because we don't have as many of the typical parts of our day that create some structure, routine and predictability.    

Robyn: So I am super grateful that my kid is attending a school that is safe to attend in person, because even that routine creates regulation for all of us, not just my son, but for all of us, the routine of getting up in the morning and making sure lunch is ready, and getting out the door and making the commute and then doing it again in the afternoon and picking up my son from school, these routines absolutely bring in some structure and predictability and regulation into our whole family. So look for ways where you can create structure, routine, predictability that, you know, certain things happen every single day, and even if it doesn't mean you leave your house. That meal times happen at a certain time and in a certain place, and school times happens at a certain time and in a certain place, right? And then within structure, routine and predictability, we can get flexible, right? We can be attuned to our kids needs and see like, well today, you know, the kitchen table's not working so good for school time. Let's try to couch, right? But if we set up structure, routine and predictability, then flexibility inside of it gets a little bit easier. So structure, routine and predictability as much as possible if you have a kid who's pretty chronically dysregulated.    

Robyn: And then have your kids stick close to you, and you stick close to your kid. Okay, chronic dysregulation means that that child's brain is pretty fragile and really needs extra support from a regulating off of co-regulating with a regulated brain. Now, I know this one can feel really tricky for a couple reasons. One, your kid is possibly going to experience, you know, your desire to kind of stick close or have them, you know, be close to you during the day, or spend a lot of time with you during the day. It's possible your child's going to feel that as a punishment. So that can look like instead of doing school in your bedroom or at the kitchen bar, we're going to do school together at the kitchen table while you do school, and I do my own work. So that's just an example, but these ways of creating more proximity between you as the grown up with a more regulated brain. Theoretically, I know that regulation is in short supply for all of us these days. I totally get it. But if you're like, physically too far away, it's impossible for your kids to kind of snag or grab that co-regulation that your brain offers, that your nervous system offers, that your regulated way of being offers them, so look for ways to stay, you know, physically close to your child.    

Robyn: Okay, so in addition to making sure you pause and notice your own dysregulation and send yourself compassion, the main points that we hit on for supporting a child who feels pretty chronically dysregulated is one feed them, water them and move them. Two, really make sure you're offering as much structure, routine and predictability as possible. And then within that, be willing to be flexible, because a dysregulated brain sometimes needs a lot of flexibility, and they need the bar lowered for them, right? But it's a lot easier to be flexible and to raise and lower the bar as appropriate when we have pretty solid structure, routine and predictability. And then number three, stick close to them. You know, look for ways to really decrease the the physical distance between you and your child so that they have opportunity to experience your regulated energy. And you know, I didn't say this. I meant to say this when we were discussing this point in the first place, I understand that this could feel really dysregulating for you too, right? It's like when there's somebody in your house that's chronically dysregulated, part of what you want to do is be as far away from them as possible. Yeah, I get it that makes perfect sense. Do that as much as you need to and or with the express purpose of doing that to take care of yourself so you can offer yourself enough self-compassion and care that you can regain some of your regulation to then re-enter back into a relationship or proximity with your child. So yeah, nobody wants to be in in close relationship with somebody who's dysregulated and sometimes, without a doubt, the best option for both of you is to spend some time apart from one another, but care for yourself, do the things that kind of nurture your own regulation, which, by the way, also include feeding and watering and moving yourself structure, routine and predictability.    

Robyn: We can apply all these things to ourselves so we can increase our own regulation and create the opportunity for ourselves to be able to tolerate being closer to the child who is pretty chronically dysregulated. As always. This is just one little slice of parenting a kid who's experienced trauma. If you're new here, check out my previous podcast episodes and add Parenting After Trauma to your favorite podcast player, you can read over 40 different blog articles at RobynGobbel.com/blog and download free resources, including video resources and a 10-page letter to the teacher on trauma-informed behavior management in the classroom at RobynGobbel.com/freeresources.    

Robyn: As of February 16, 2021, my comprehensive online, self-paced parent course, Parenting After Trauma: Minding The Heart And Brain, is once again open for registration. This course has three core components. One, understanding the neurobiology of being human and the impact of trauma. Two, increasing our regulation as parents. And three, tracking our child's level of arousal and adjusting our parenting interventions and approach based on that child's level of arousal. That means we're increasing our ability to actually provide the support, the regulation, the connection, the felt safety that our child needs based on how dysregulated their brain is, based on how far they are on Dr. Bruce Perry's arousal continuum.    

Robyn: This course will take you past learning and into implementing because in addition to over six hours of video and audio content, you'll receive over 50 worksheets that are specifically designed to encourage your brain to integrate the material and then increase your capacity to actually implement what you're learning. I've had families describe it as the best, most practical course on parenting kids impacted by trauma, while also staying true to my commitment of making the neuroscience relatable and easy to understand. If you head over to RobynGobbel.com/parentcourse, you can read all the details and register for immediate access. If you are loving this podcast, please share. The sooner the whole world understands a neurobiology of being relationally, socially and behaviorally human, the sooner our kids will live in a world that sees them for who they really are, completely amazing, and sometimes are even a lot of times really struggling. Thanks for tuning in today. I'll see you next time.