How to Parent a Bottomless Pit of Needs {EP 88}

Robyn: For some kids- you know, there's a lot of reasons why this can happen. But for some kids, it's about early childhood trauma, some relational or developmental trauma. And having- because of that, having developed- or not developed a solid sense of ‘I'm me.’, ‘I exist.’, right? So we come to know, we exist and that we exist separately from our caregiver, we have our own unique separate self. Because of presence and connection, and then breaks in presence and connection, and then returning to that presence and connection. So having a caregiver who sees us, right? A caregiver who helps us feel- feel seen and known. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, they talk about feeling safe, seen, soothe and secure. And when we get those experiences when little children- little babies get those experiences from their caregiver of regularly feeling safe, seen, soothe and secure. Part of what's happening is they're kind of knitting into their own self, the- the feeling of ‘I am me.’, ‘I exist.’. I do talk about this a little bit more and with a little bit different nuance, and the brilliance of attachment series. So the easiest way for you to access the brilliance of attachment series that I did is to head to RobynGobbel.com/ebook. Because I took that series and I created an e book out of it. It is on the podcast, you can scroll back and find the attachment series as podcast episodes. But I also, you know, smooshed it all together, wrote it all out, and created, a colleague of mine, created this beautiful ebook that you can download it for free. So you can get that at RobynGobbel.com/ebook. And again, that kind of goes into more into kind of a different take too, on this, how a connection and attachment, create the experience of ‘I am me I exist’. 

Robyn: So for kids who had some attachment trauma, relational trauma, developmental trauma, they may not have a very solid sense that ‘I exist when I am not in connection with someone else’, right. And so when that connection is- breaks, and I'm when I say breaks, I mean, like the normal like you had to shift your attention to your other child, or you had to answer the phone, or you had to go turn off the stove, or get the laundry out, right, like you just have to do regular life. So then that connection that- that connection breaks. And the sense for the child in their body is not only ‘I might not ever get that again’. But ‘when I'm not getting connection, my own connection to myself, my feeling of existing is in jeopardy’. I have also seen this like bottomless pit feeling coming about due to just some developmentally delayed internalized regulation. I've talked a ton in this podcast, you can find a lot of episodes about it. It's also in the billions of attachment eBook about how self regulation is really just internalized co-regulation. And I have several podcasts to talk about that. And for many different reasons, kids can be what I would just say developmentally delayed in their own internalized co-regulation, which again, we typically call self regulation. And so they need more co-regulation, more presence, more connection, more attention, then you would expect from a child of their age. So we don't typically look at teeny, tiny little newborn babies and think that they're bottomless pits of connection. Like we expect that from them, of course they are. But if the 10 year old is acting the same way, it can feel really big and overwhelming, like oh my gosh, this child is just a bottomless pit, like their connection needs are never ever met. So I think it's helpful to remember like, we wouldn't think that about a newborn. And so we can look at this as simply, like developmentally delayed internalized regulation, right? And you know, it's about regulation, because something's happening that's letting your child know, their bottom- they're feeling like a bottomless pit, right? Like they're whining, or they're clinging, or they're asking for constant attention. I mean, what that really is, is asking for constant co-regulation. And that really, then is about development- developmentally delayed internalized regulation. So you can, you can go to RobynGobbel.com/podcast. And put in search words. Like you can put in co-regulation, you can put in regulation, put in self regulation, you'll find the podcasts that I have that talk about regulation, the development of regulation, what co-regulation really is how regulation is really just internalized co-regulation, you can find all those episodes. Yeah, just go to RobynGobbel.com/podcast. And you can use some of those keywords and those episodes will come up.

Robyn: So behavior like whining, crying, clingy behavior, those are behaviors that signal that the nervous system is stressed. It's in distress. It's when I call in protection mode. Protection mode is ‘I'm not feeling safe. Something's not right. I need help. I need help returning to my preferred way of being, which is to be in connection mode, to feel safe, and settled and regulated’. There's a contentedness that accompanies connection mode. A sense of, I'm okay, I'll be okay. And even if I'm not okay now, I'll be okay in the future. If your child you would describe as like a bottomless pit of needs, you'll likely have a child who doesn't experience- you know, spend a lot of time in that space of contentedness, right? So that whiny, clingy behavior is behavior that saying, ‘hey, I need more connection’. The challenge, of course, is that we don't really want to connect with someone who's whining, right? Like the behavior that our kids are often giving us that we would then call like, ‘oh, they're just a bottomless pit’. They're- they're kind of annoying behaviors. And so these two things are working against each other. It's a behavior that says I need more connection, but it's also a behavior that's pushing away connection. 

Robyn: So the very first step in parenting a child, who seems like they're just a bottomless pit of needs, is recognizing their behavior as an actual need. It is a need that signaling, I need connection. It's so easy. It's easy for me, y'all. I still have to really actively stay present with myself. Because bottomless pit of connection, bottomless- like the bottomless pit presentation, and somebody else, actually, it's really hard for me. It's real easy for me to sit beside behind this microphone and tell you all the reasons behind this state of the nervous system, and why your kid acts like they have a bottomless pit, and how you should respond to it. Super easy for me to do that all alone in my office, nobody is clinging to me, or whining, or asking me for connection, or leaving me feeling like no matter what I do, it's not enough. But that's a- that's a personal trigger of mine. I am overwhelmed by the bottomless pit. I am overwhelmed feeling like I can't ever possibly meet this person's needs. That means then, that this behavior isn't never, ever, ever going to end. Now, if you pause for a moment, you can see how my thoughts and the child's thought, or the other person's thought, are similar, like flip flop of each other, right? The person with this nervous system presentation that looks like the bottomless pit, they have a feeling of it'll never be enough. And I can't hold on to it, I must have it all the time. Right? Or I can't feel it, right? And if I let it go, it'll never happen again. Me, I have the thought of ‘it is impossible to meet this person's needs’, I get the sense of almost like, I'm going to drown in their needs, and I am not going to be okay, right? So when I am activated in that, when I'm activated in like, this will never be okay, I'll never meet this person’s needs, they'll never be satisfied, it'll never be enough. What's happening, of course, is that I'm no longer regulated. And if I'm no longer regulated, I'm not able to give them what they need, which is presence and connection. They simply just don't- they can't coexist. So as hard as it is, and I am telling you this as a person who struggles with behavior, that's bottomless pit behavior. I kind of struggle with it myself, like as a human, like, there might be people in my life who would actually describe me that way. But I just I struggle with that, when that's other people's behaviors. Okay, so I'm in solidarity with you today. And if I want to fill that person's cup, so they aren't a bottomless pit, so that the connection and presence I'm giving them matters, so that that hole- the proverbial hole in the heart that's allowing all this leaking to happen. I- if I want change to happen, and for that bottomless pit energy to be healed, I have to show up with connection and presence. And when I'm the more regulated person in the relationship, and for parents that- and therapists that theoretically is us, we're theoretically the more regulated person in the relationship. It is our job to do what we can to show up as often as we can, not 100% of the time, never with perfection, in a way that is truly offering connection and presence. 

Robyn: So again, the number one step is recognizing that this behavior is an actual need. And then the second step is to get present and regulated yourself. And I say that with love, and care, and compassion, and no judgment at all- more kind of just like a check in with what reality is that in order to start to kind of repair this hole in the heart, we have to approach this child with regulation with connection with presence. And I know that that's really, really, really hard. And it is what has to happen. So working on ourselves to be able to be present and able to be regulated, not all the time, just maybe a little bit more often than what's currently happening. Right? If you remain in a dysregulated state, and it makes sense that you're dysregulated by somebody is you know grasping, whining, clinging need, like desperate need for connection and attention. Right? If you stay- if you're dysregulated, then you're- no matter how much you're trying to show up with presence and connection is not going to meet your child's need. And so that bottomless pit really actually is bottomless. 

Robyn: Okay, so once you see the need, and then regulate yourself, now let's look at how do we scaffold that child's need for connection? How do we scaffold their ability to take in the connection that's happening, so that, you know, proverbial hole in their heart starts to get patched. It's possible that you simply just need to increase the amount of connection you have with that child. And you need to increase the amount of connection you have with the child while you're regulated. It is possible that that is the simple but exceptionally hard answer. And it's okay if that's true. Like it's okay, if while you're listening to this episode, you have this aha moment of like, oh, yeah, actually, it makes sense that my child is- is feeling dysregulated. And as though they have a bottomless pit for connection because I'm meeting their need for connection with my own dysregulation. And really, what I need to do is find a way to have more true, regulated, connected moments with my child. No shame in that! In fact, it'd be really brave to just honest- you know, honestly, acknowledge that. Super hard to change. But you- but we can do it. It could though very much be true that your child needs help taking in the connection, and regulation that you're offering them. Right? So you may really be feeling like listen, I- I do show up with presence and connection and co-regulation. And- but it doesn't seem to be making any kind of difference at all. So what that means is that your child is struggling to take it in, like they're struggling to, like allow that goodness, the connection, the presence to like, ooze into their nervous system, and start to patch up that kind of hole in their heart. So there are some things we can do to help our child take it in to help our child to have it matter, like the connection we're giving them to help it actually matter and make a difference for a child. So let's talk about a couple of what- a couple of those things can be. It's tricky, because connection, in a way, isn't something we can see. Right? Like it's not this overt, very tangible, explicit thing. It's something that's felt, right? So one way to start to kind of patch that hole, to really fill that bottomless pit is to bring attention to connection when connection is there. 

Robyn: So that might sound something like, ‘gosh, I'm feeling so connected to you right now. It's like there's this invisible string of connection between my heart and yours. Do you feel it too?’ So really anchoring into like, again, making it explicit, verbalizing, making something clear that's not clear. Because again, connection is not clear, we can't really see it, but we can feel it and we can bring attention to it. It might sound something like ‘I can feel the energy of my heart stretching all the way to your heart. Do you feel it too?’ If your child says that they feel it too, you can go further into it and say something like, ‘what does it look like?’ Right? You can really play around with imagery. And like talk about the color of the connection, the shape of the connection, how thick or how thin it is, right? Like it can be anything. And it doesn't matter what color, or shape, or how thick it is, like that's not relevant. What's relevant is that we find kind of this playful way to keep the attention on the connection. The more attention that we can keep on the connection, the more likely it is that that true felt experience of connection is- matters. Like it will- not that- it matters no matter what. But that it will create, you know, a lay- a brick, right, lay a brick in the wall that we need to build to like fill that cup, right? Like patch- to patch that hole up. I'm really mixing my metaphors up here. I hope this makes sense. 

Robyn: Then, right, you've maybe experimented with talking about how you can feel the connection then maybe it can progress to something like ‘I can feel the connection from your heart stretching all the way across the room to my heart. Do you feel it too?’ Right? So drawing attention to the truth that not only is their connection, that is leaving your heart and going to them, but also that there's connection that's leaving their heart and coming to you, and you can feel it. Right? Anchor into that. Now, if you have a child who's asking for connection, but you're occupied with something else, right? Like maybe you're on a phone call, or you're helping their sister with their homework, or you're making dinner, or you're just trying to switch to the laundry real quick, or- again, the myriad of things that's just regular life, and making it hard for you to give them the connection that they're asking for in that moment. What you might do is consider making physical connection with them instead. Touch their shoulder, touch their knee, bring them close, ask them to sit next to you put your hand around them, you know? You can say like, I have to finish watching this laundry while you have their your hand on their shoulder, you can sit right here with me while I finish this chore, right? And there's physical connection. Or I have to- I'm helping your sister with her homework right now, you can sit on my lap. Or you can, you know, keep your hand on my shoulder. Alright, so ways to have actual physical connection while you can't be giving them the emotional or energetic connection that they're asking for. 

Robyn: You can create connection kind of rituals. So I did so much with temporary tattoos in the therapy office. We use temporary tattoos a lot with buy them for like insanely cheap on Amazon, just like hundreds and hundreds of temporary tattoos. And I used temporary tattoos for lots of things. But one thing we would do with it is use them for like intentional points of connection. So that could look like let's pick out a tattoo and put the exact same one on the same parts of our body. So I'm going to put this heart tattoo on my hand and the same heart tattoo on your hand. And now we have the same tattoo and when we're separated we- I can look at it and know that you still have it. Or honestly even when it's not about separation, there's can be such this sweet moment of connection of like we're the same. We both have this same tattoo in the same spot on our bodies. Now you can do all sorts of different things with this same idea. It doesn't have to be a temporary tattoos. I also used to love playing around with face paint. I was truly a practicing therapist for a long time before I realized like face paints not just something you buy at Halloween, like you can buy face paint year round in the craft section of the store. And face paint is kind of novel. And you can put face paint on parts of your body that's not face, like hands and, and forearms and all sorts of things and can be really sweet little ways to have connection rituals. That again, can also extend to when we are apart. We still have we both have this tattoo or we both have this hearts painted on our hands.

Robyn: There's books like The Kissing Hands. Or earlier when I was suggesting a script you could use. Remember- do you remember I said that you could say something. It's like there's this invisible string of connection between my heart and yours. Well, there's a wonderful children's book, there's actually seven- several now in the series, The Invisible String. And so that is a really lovely way to like to make alive, to make tangible, to have something that's almost like I can hold on to this thing that otherwise feels very slippery or elusive or hard to hold on to which is connection. Another thing you might try is doing things that help your child know that they're in your mind even when you aren't together. So literally say things like I thought of you when I saw the turtle on the road, I was driving home and I saw a turtle and I thought of you because I know you love turtles. Or I thought of you because I remember that time that there was a turtle in the backyard and you picked it up and it peed on you. Right? It doesn't matter what it is. Just being deliberate about sharing with your child times when they were in your mind when they weren't- when you weren't together. Other ways you can do this is gestures that show your child I think of you when we're not together. Like pick your child up from school with a cup of water because you know that when you pick them up from school, they're thirsty. And then you can say that like ‘hey, I brought this water bottle this fresh cold water bottle with me because so often you're thirsty when I pick you up and I remembered that so I grabbed this bottle of water before I left the house’ right? So again, the intention is I thought of you when you weren't here. Now the purpose of this is to really anchor in and to make concrete the truth, that connection doesn't only exist when we are literally connected with each other. Connection exists when we're separated because we live in each other's minds and hearts and brains. And drawing attention to that truth is one way to help your child really pull into their own brain and body. And really what we're doing is- is anchoring into their memory networks, this thing that- this thing that's true anyway, when we draw attention to it, we help it really anchor into their nervous system. And that can be helpful in sort of repairing this bottomless pit energy. 

Robyn: Okay, one last idea I'm having is when you were to reunite with your child. Whether it'd be after a bathroom break, or after a week apart at summer camp, say- say things really clearly out loud, like ‘I knew we'd be back together again, I held you in my heart while we were gone. And now we're together again’. So be so clear, articulate so much about this is like saying the things that are often unsaid, so that the mind and the heart of- of- of your child can really take them in and they can contribute to repairing- repairing that hole in their heart. So y'all, here's the bottom line, your child feels like a bottomless pit because they can't hold on to that feeling of connection and presence. Right? When it's not there. It feels like it disappears completely, and will never come back. So that's what we want to focus on is how do I give my kid experiences of connection and presence and just taking a real honest look at ourselves, and am I showing up in a way that's really offering connection and presence because it's hard! It's hard when someone's whiny, it's hard when someone's clingy, it's hard when someone feels like a bottomless pit of need, it's hard to show up in a regulated and connected way. And if we want to repair that part of their- their heart, we have to. So that's step number one is just asking, you know, just taking an honest check in with yourselves. And then the second step is, is your child able to take in the connection and presence, that's really- that's there? And one way to do that there's a lot of other things that can- need to happen as well. But one way to do that is simply to draw attention to it. 

Robyn: Now, if you have a child who's had a lot of really dangerous, scary experiences happen, inside connected relationships, this is- this is hard, because connection is what they're longing for yet the thing they're the most terrified of. And so simply meeting their need for connection, drawing attention to it, that kind of stuff, that's just going to be way more difficult. Because of this, push pull of I'm desperate for connection and also I find it terrifying. If that does describe your child, you might check out the podcast episode on Disorganized Attachment. That kind of describes that energy more in depth, and then the episode on How Attachment Changes can be helpful as well. And just like bringing- you know, just bringing you back to the hope that it can change. 

Robyn: Alright, so I hope this episode was helpful. I also hope that the audio is okay in the middle of it. The deck outside my office started getting powerwashed. And I chose to just ignore it and just keep going through- just keep going. And I hope that that was a wise choice. I just really was on a roll and wanted to keep talking about what was on my mind. Fingers crossed it worked out for me. As always, thank you for coming back. Thanks for you know, hitting play on this podcast. If you're listening to this podcast, it tells me that you are committed to helping a kid who has a vulnerable nervous system. And maybe along the way you're discovering that one of the children that you're helping that has a vulnerable nervous system is your own inner child. And for that I'm just so grateful. I'm so grateful you're here. I'm so grateful you keep coming back. You keep hitting play and you keep sharing the podcast with other people who need it. I really, really think that the more we can and spread these ideas, these ways of being in connection and presence with one another, the more we are creating a world that will be- just a safer place for our kids to grow up.

Robyn: I cannot wait to have you back here next week. In the meantime, if you need more support, of course, listen to all my other podcast episodes. Like I said, I think I said it at the beginning that you can head over to my website, RobynGobbel.com/podcast. And you can put in search terms and you can find other episodes that might be helpful to you. I have several free things over my website, a couple of videos, a couple of ebooks. And over on my website, you can see all about the additional resources I have that could support you. Including a membership community for parents of kids with vulnerable nervous systems and big baffling behaviors. That membership community’s called The Club as well as my year long immersive training program for professionals who work with parents. That's called Being With, you can find all the information about all the things over on my website, RobynGobbel.com. Otherwise, I'll see you here next week.