Boundaries with Connection Part 1 of 3 {EP 111}

But then there's so often this moment of but what about actually addressing that behavior? And because that can feel kind of confusing to folks, especially as they're kind of new to transitioning to this way of parenting, it can turn into what looks like really permissive, boundaryless parenting. The reality is, is that this way of parenting, parenting with this level of connection and co-regulation with such a focus on felt safety, this way of parenting actually tends to have more boundaries and higher boundaries. Now that obviously doesn't mean more punishments, or intense punishments, or really even punishments at all right? 

So how do we have high clear boundaries, if we aren't doing a lot of punishing? So in this episode, what we're going to do is actually work hard to get clear about what the word boundary actually means. I find so often that folks are using that word boundary to mean something totally different. So that's what we're gonna do in today's episode is what even is a boundary? Like, what are we talking about when we use that word boundary? If we can get clear on that, then how we enforce boundaries and have boundaries with connection that also gets clearer. So I want to just be so clear that this way of parenting, this way of looking at our kids’ behaviors is just information, by parenting with the nervous system in mind, by looking at regulation and connection, and felt safety. This is not free for all boundaryless parenting. Sometimes when we play such an emphasis on understanding what's driving behavior. We get confused and think that understanding behaviors means we're supposed to just be okay with it, like we can enforce boundaries. I addressed that last week in the episode on the difference between understanding behavior and excusing behavior, right? So that's sort of this foundational place, we have to start. That we can absolutely be fierce and our commitment to understanding what's driving the behavior without excusing it, or just letting it go. We can still have really good boundaries and I actually think, my own personal experience has been, is I set much more reasonable boundaries, and boundaries that are much more likely to be enforced, when I am looking at what’s driving the behavior. So the two can absolutely go together. And again, we talked about that last week, the difference between understanding and excusing behavior. We can 100% understand what's driving the behavior, and still set a boundary. 

But what even is a boundary? Right? And even that statement that I just made set a boundary. Oftentimes when people say that, when they say, and sometimes me, too. That we say set a boundary, and really what we mean, that's kind of like code for give a punishment. Or, I might say that I'm going to set a boundary. But what I really mean to say is, enforce a rule maybe, right? And so there's some confusion about what a boundary is, what a rule is, what a punishment is, you know, what consequences are. And I also have a totally separate episode about consequences and punishment, the episode is called wha- But What About a Consequence?, I'll make sure that gets linked to in the show notes, that might be a helpful one to go back and check out as well. So let's look at the difference between a boundary and a rule. 

Okay, so rules, right? are really just like guidelines that we have, that help us define what we think is expected and acceptable behavior. And so all different, you know, organizations or communities are gonna have different rules. Like the rules in my family are different than the rules in your family. The rules, culturally, you know, are defined by a culture. The rules legally are defined by government and law enforcement, things like that. Let's talk about rules in our families. Okay? So we all have rules, expectations, guidelines for behavior. So for example, I have a teenager, driving teenager. One of the rules in our house, which is really, because this is the law, is that he can't be driving after 10pm. So his curfew is essentially 10pm. Right? That's a rule in our house. Another rule that we all have in our house is, as a family, we always let one another know where we are. So my son is responsible for letting us know where he is. But the grown ups in our house are responsible for that as well. That's a rule we all have. We all let each other know where one another is, when we can expect to be home. Another rule I would say in our family is that we welcome all feelings, but we try our absolute hardest to express all of those feelings as kindly and respectfully as possible. Understanding that mad feelings can be pretty hard to express kindly and respectfully, but we work really hard to welcome all feelings in our families but also to express those feelings in the most respectful way possible. Okay? So that's- those are examples of some rules in our family. 

Now, boundaries then are about me and my behavior. Boundaries aren't about my attempts to control my kids' behavior. And oftentimes, that's how we're approaching boundaries, is we hope that we can do something to control somebody else's behavior. And eventually we realize that we can't do anything to control anybody's behavior but our own. Okay? So boundaries are about me and my own behavior, right? They're about what I will or will not tolerate in relationship. And like what I am going to do or not do if the rules and expectations of our relationship aren't followed, right? So, examples. I said, one of the rules in our home is that my son is supposed to be home by 10pm. Okay? That's the rule. If he breaks the rule more than once, and isn't home by 10pm, the boundary, then, that I can enforce that I'm responsible for, right? Because I cannot control his behavior. There's nothing I can do if my son is out of the house, to make him get home by 10pm. So the boundary, right, what I can enforce is if he's regularly breaking the rule, which is also breaking the law, of being home by 10pm, he will revoke, right, he relinquishes the privilege of driving a car. Now, to understand this, and to see this as a boundary and not a punishment, we have to frame this 10pm curfew as just kind of part of our agreement. Right? It's part of the contract, if you will, for him having the privilege of driving an automobile. Driving is a privilege for all of us. And part of how we maintain that privilege of driving is we cooperate with the rules. And if we break the rules and get caught too often, eventually we lose the privilege of driving. Right? That's the boundary. It isn't a punishment, because I'm not inflicting it as a punishment. Right? It's about 10pm curfew being part of the agreement. Right? And it's about safety. And this is not just an arbitrary rule that I came up with, because I'm in control, right? It's not that at all. And if it was just some arbitrary rule that I might came up with by myself to be in control, then yeah, enforcing it probably would mostly feel like a punishment. But it's not an arbitrary rule that I came up with because of control. It's about one, safety and two, following the law, right? And the privilege of driving is dependent upon following the law, right? Yeah. So if he regularly kind of broke that rule, then yes, the boundary that I would enforce is about his access to driving. Now, could he experience that as a punishment? Well, of course he could experience that as a punishment. And we'll talk about that in next week's episode actually. Like how, sometimes when we set up safety and containment boundaries for our kids, they do experience them as a punishment. My job isn't to prevent that from happening because it's not my job to control or manipulate somebody else's feelings. My job is simply to make sure that I don't deliver it as a punishment. Right? Like, punishments are something that we do with the intention of causing somebody enough pain or enough discomfort that they modify that behavior to avoid that pain in the future, right? Like punishments are about me being in a position of power, and using that power to cause uncomfortable feelings in an attempt to control or manipulate somebody else's behaviors. That's not my intention, right? My intention of, you know, revoking the privilege of driving isn’t to cause pain and discomfort so that he'll follow the rules better in the future. That's- that's not the point. The point is that I'm in charge of my behavior to enforce a boundary that keeps him safe. 

Okay, let's look at a different one. All right. I said, another one of the rules in our house is telling people where you are all the time. And that's just not a rule for my kid, like my kid is responsible for letting us know where he is all the time. And if you go somewhere else, he has to let us know that, and if he's not going to be where he said he was in the first place, he has to let us know that like, that's a rule. It’s not that a rule just for him. It's a family rule, right? Like my husband and I let us know- let each other know where we are, my son has the right to know where we are, and when we'll be home. So that's another, I think, important piece of this equation is that my son doesn't experience the fact that he has to always tell us where he is as something that's unique to him. It's just, it's a family rule that's about respect, and safety. And sometimes the rule accidentally gets broken. In fact, at our house, I was the one who most recently broke the rule. I thought that I was going to go somewhere, unexpectedly, it wasn't in the plan for the day, and be home before my husband got home from his appointments for the day. And since I thought I was going to be home before he was even going to notice that I wasn't here. And because he was in multiple appointments, I just didn't bother him, like, I didn't message him and say, hey, I have to go run this errand, that it took me out of the house for several hours, it wasn't just like a quick trip to the gas station or something. So then he was home sooner than he was originally planning and he didn't know where I was. Right? So even though it makes a lot of sense, you know, like, why I just didn't bother to check in with him and tell him where I was going. It's a really good example of how, like, I broke a rule. Now, I wasn't punished for it. Right? It was an opportunity for us to kind of circle back around and remind one another, why do we have these rules? So I apologized, and we all reconfirmed the fact that this is a rule that's important to us, right? That we will tell one another where we are. If my son repeatedly broke this rule, which he doesn't, he's actually really good at letting us know where he is. We're super lucky about that. But if my son repeatedly broke this rule, we would enforce the boundary of him really not having the option to go places without our help. Meaning, if I always have to bring in places, I'm going to always know where he is. Right? And so if he was really having a hard time remembering, or choosing to let us know where he was, the boundary I would enforce is, well, in order for you to get places, I have to be the one that brings you there, so that I always know where you are. Right? So again, because he's 17. What this would mean is I'd probably restrict driving privileges again, right? Again, it's not a punishment, it's a boundary for his safety. And because it's respectful, and it's a rule we've all agreed to in our house, that we let one another know where each other is. 

Alright, one of the other examples of like a rule I gave in our family is that we talk to each other respectfully, right? So that's the rule, we talk to each other respectfully, My boundary might be that if somebody is talking to me disrespectfully, I might say, hey, I want to hear what you have to say. Your feelings are important, and they matter to me. But my boundary is that you express them to me in a way that's not hurtful. And if that person continues to still struggle to express their feelings in a way that's not hurtful, then my boundary would be you know what, I'm going to take a break from this conversation for now. And we can continue or reengage in this conversation, when you're feeling more regulated. And you can comply with my boundary by expressing your feelings in a way that's not hurtful. Okay? So if the rule in our house is no screen time after 10pm, then the boundary, again, a behavior that I'm in control of might be that all devices go like in a basket in the kitchen at 10pm. Right? If the rule is that no one in the house brings in a new living creature without the agreement from everybody, you know, like a pet, then, and then my kid comes home with a new hamster, right? That somehow they were able to convince the pet store people to sell. Right? Then the boundary that I would enforce is that either the hamster has to go back to the pet store, or we have to find that hamster a new home because the rule was broken. And my job then is to enforce the boundary no new pets without everybody in agreement. 

Okay, so now I know you are asking yourself, but what do I do if my child violates the boundaries and breaks the rule, and it's not as simple as something like, well, then the hamster has to go back to the pet store. Which it's really funny that I said, as simple as because in no way shape or form, is taking a hamster back to the pet store simple. But I guess that's kind of clear, right? And there's a lot of things that happens where our kids are violating boundaries, breaking rules. And what we do about it really doesn't feel clear at all. 

Next week, we'll look at how one of our jobs as parents is to create an environment for our kids that sets them up for success as much as possible. I often will, to ask parents to ponder the question, you know, ‘what would you need to do so that your child’s success would be inevitable’? We're going to look at that next week. That often means we need to increase the scaffolding, and the co-regulation. And these are things that we actually commonly refer to as boundaries as well. I think it's more like, if boundaries were a noun, like, like a fence is a boundary. A container is a boundary. It's not a verb, it's not a thing we do. Right? It's a- it's a thing. It's a noun, it's a thing that exists, right? It's- it's this container that creates the safety, then that can allow our kids opportunity to be successful. Those are the kinds of boundaries we're going to talk about next week.

But what about when our kids have behaviors that violate our boundaries, yet, we absolutely, positively do not have the power to stop or change their behavior. The thing that comes to mind, for me the most is like verbal aggression or manipulation. Right? Or repeatedly, obsessively asking for something and not taking no for an answer. Sure, we can say our boundary is something like if you continue this behavior, if you continue to obsessively ask me for the thing that I've already said no to, then what I'm going to do is remove myself from this conversation, until we are able to engage with one another in a way that's not harmful, right? I'm going to excuse myself. But you know as well as I do, that we can't stop what comes out of our kids’ mouths, right? They- they're gonna keep talking, or they're going to follow us, or we, you, they're gonna follow us and pound on the door, or there's just comes a point when we're not in control of what our kids are doing at all. And we're definitely not in control of what they're saying, or how they're saying it. In any other relationship, if somebody was regularly violating our boundaries by being verbally aggressive, or manipulative, or talking to us in a way that we've just found totally unacceptable, we'd eventually end that relationship, right? We can't control what they're saying, or how their behaviors are, our option becomes to make choices about how to continue with that relationship. But that's not really an option with our dysregulated kids. So if we can't control their behavior, and we can't enforce a boundary like ending the relationship because the behavior violates like the rules of what I'm willing to accept in a relationship. What do we do then? 

Well, what we do is we work on our own energetic boundaries. If we can't stop our kids from sending verbal aggression toward us, like I imagine it being like, propelled out of their energy and coming through the energetic space between us, like towards us, right? If we can't stop that from happening, which we can't. We cannot control somebody else's behavior. What we can do is work to not energetically receive it, right? Energetically create this boundary, this barrier, where the, in this example like the verbal aggression, doesn't penetrate. It doesn't come in. 

So I know that might sound impossible, but one of my colleagues and mentors Julian Taylor Shore from Austin, Her therapy practice is called IPNB Interpersonal Neurobiology Austin. And she has a website called Clear is Kind, where she teaches and trains and writes about the different kinds of boundaries. Julian talks a lot about our energetic boundaries and psychological boundaries and having what she calls jello wall. This psychological boundary where with enough practice, I can strengthen that jello wall to the point of letting certain kinds of energy in, but stopping other kinds of energy from coming in. For example, verbal aggression, stopping it from coming in. We can't stop our kids from behaving in certain ways. But we can strengthen our energetic psychological boundary so that it doesn't come in and we don't have to receive it. We want to say things like, you can't let him talk to you like that. But if you have a really dysregulated kid, you know you cannot stop them from talking to you like that. Right? Now, without question I'm not saying, and this goes back to how understanding is not the same as excusing. I'm not saying that we don't absolutely do things to work on the regulation, and the connection, and the felt safety that is underneath the verbal aggression, just to keep on the same behavior. I'll just keep talking about verbal aggression. Definitely, we want to do everything we can to address the regulation, connection, and felt safety that is underneath this behavior while also recognizing that when it comes right down to it, I'm not in control of what comes out of somebody else's mouth. When my child or when your child is in their watchdog pathway and they've escalated to the back off watchdog, which is where I put verbal aggression. The objective in that moment when our kids are elevated in that back off watchdog space, my objective isn't behavior change, or how do I get my kid to stop this? I know that sounds absurd, but that actually in that moment, isn't my objective. My objective is how can I help this child m- regain some regulation, regain some connection to me or to themselves, regain a sense of safety, flip their nervous system out of protection mode, and into connection mode, Because that is what's going to stop the verbal aggression. There's nothing that I can do that will stop the verbal aggression. But if I can help their nervous system shift back into connection mode, where they're experiencing felt safety and regulation- regulation and connection. That's what's going to stop the verbal aggression. Now for me to be able to invite my child back into regulation, connection, and felt safety, I need to be regulated, Not calm, but regulated. I need to be able to send cues of safety to them. That means I need to have a really strong energetic or psychological boundary so that the verbal aggression that their back off watchdog is like hurling at me, right? That I can have a strong enough internal energetic or psychological boundary, that I don't shift into dysregulation myself from this verbal aggression. 

Now, please, please really notice that I am not talking about being in danger. I know that verbal aggression can give us the felt sense of being in danger. And it's a cue that if things continue to escalate, there could be physical danger on the h- you know, that comes next. But verbal aggression in and of itself is not physically dangerous. Right? So therefore, I am not focusing on the behavior specifically, I'm focusing on how can I offer a regulation, connection, and felt safety? And I have to in order to do that I have to be regulated, of course, not calm.

How do I stay regulated and have the ability to keep offering connection and felt safety when somebody is like, just hurling verbal aggression towards me? Well, the only way I can do that is by having strong, energetic, psychological boundaries. Then, once my child’s owl brain has returned, right? Once the verbal aggression has decreased or gone away, because their watchdog brain is feeling safer, their owl brain has returned. Then I can decide if there are some things that I need to put into place to help my childs’ success be more inevitable in the future. Like what led to that level of dysregulation that we ended up with that level of verbal aggression? 

And I absolutely know some of you have kids who are here chronically, I totally, totally get that. So then the curiosity is, does this child need more co-regulation? Do they need more structure? Do they need support? Right? We're going to look at what's underneath and how do I help their success become inevitable? Again, we're going to look at that next week. I mean, really quick examples. Like, if my child has broken rules the past two times they've gone to their school basketball game, then what they're showing me that they need is more co-regulation and support in order to stay regulated enough, right? Connected to their owl brain during the basketball game that they can cooperate with and follow the rules. So yes, next week, we'll be looking at how do I set my child up for success by increasing connection, increasing co-regulation, increasing structure, and increasing scaffolding? Right? 

And then in two weeks, is when we'll get to connect with my special guest, Julian Taylor Shore from IPNB Austin and Clear is Kind, where she will help us look at how we can strengthen our energetic and our psychological boundaries, particularly when our kids are violating our boundary about how we deserve to be treated. So that we can stay regulated enough to offer our kids the co-regulation, the felt safety, and the connection that they need. So that their watchdog or their possum brain can feel safe again, their owl brain can have the opportunity to return when our kids are feeling regulated, connected, and safe. And when their owl brains are solidly in charge, they have behaviors that we don't feel compelled to try to change. Owl brain, kids who are feeling safe, and regulated, and connected aren't verbally aggressive towards us. 

So again, we're just going back to the goal in the moment isn't to change behavior. I know it feels like the goal. But the goal isn't to change behavior. The goal is regulation, connection, and felt safety. Because the desired behavior that we're going for will emerge from a nervous system that’s feeling regulated, and connected, and safe. The hard part is, is that when our boundaries are being violated, it's really, really, really hard to stay regulated enough that we can invite our kids into regulation. So we can work at strengthening our own energetic, and psychological boundaries. 

Okay, so just a really quick recap. And then we are going to say goodbye to each other for today. Today, we talked about what is a boundary? And what is a rule, right? And how we can have rules, and then how boundaries are about me and my behavior, because I am not ultimately in control of anybody else's behavior. Next week, we'll talk about how we can ask ourselves the question, what does my child need for their success to be inevitable? And then create the boundaries, the containment. Boundaries is a noun, right? Like think about, again, like how a fence is a boundary. How do I create the containment for my child in their life that gives them the felt safety that they need, that they are much more likely to be able to be successful. We'll talk about that next week is kind of our boundaries with connection part two. And then in two weeks, we will have a very special guest, Julian Taylor Shore, where we talk about increasing our own energetic and psychological boundaries for when we cannot control our kids’ behavior. And what we really want to do is be able to stay in a place where we can invite them into regulation, and connection, and felt safety. 

This way of parenting is not boundaryless parenting. In fact, I think this way of parenting requires really strong, solid, compassionate boundaries that emerge from us having solid, energetic, psychological boundaries in ourselves and us having a really good non-judgmental understanding of what's driving our kids’ very tricky, challenging behaviors. Those things together, help us stay regulated enough that we can maintain our own boundary while working to bring our child into regulation, and connection, and felt safety. 

Whew! That's a lot today. All right, thank you again, from the absolute bottom of my heart, the very, very, very bottom of my heart all the way down to my tippy, tippy toes for joining me on this journey, for continuing to show up, for continuing to be curious, for continuing to do this really, really hard work for yourself, for your kids. It matters. If you hear nothing else from me hear that it matters. If you never see behavior change, it still matters. The brain is always changing, I promise, I promise, I promise, it matters. I also know that this way parenting can really leave us open and vulnerable to what other folks might call compassion fatigue or blocked care, what I call our parents in their possum pathway. I know that this way parenting is so intensive, that it really leaves us vulnerable to falling down that possum pathway and feeling lots of compassion fatigue, lots of blocked care. And one of the antidotes for that is boundaries. Strengthening our own boundaries, and not conflating this way of parenting with boundaryless parenting. 

So thank you for tuning in for today's episode part one about boundaries. And we have two more parts in this series that I just can't wait to bring to you. If you are loving the podcast, I would be so grateful if you would head over to the Parenting After Trauma podcast in the Apple podcast player and leave a rating and review. It is one of the best ways for other folks to find this podcast. And I have heard from people literally all over the world about how it feels like this podcast is in some ways, literally saving their lives. And what I want then is for more people to hear the podcast, more people who need this compassionate nervous system lens of seeing their kids’ behavior and seeing their own behavior. I want more people to find the podcast! So the best way to do that is for you to rate and review the podcast and then of course to share it. Alright y'all. I'm sending you compassion, co-regulation, connection, and lots and lots of strength for your owl brain. I will see you next week.