Boundaries with Connection {EP 2}
Brain-based parenting with connection and coregulation doesn’t mean boundary-less parenting. In fact, if you are parenting a child who is a little delayed with regard to developing self-regulation, this type of parenting actually means MORE boundaries.
Keep reading or listen on the podcast!
But boundaries aren’t consequences or punishments.
Boundaries are the supports your child needs to be successful.
It’s a little like toddler proofing. Toddlers aren’t untrustworthy, misbehaving, or sneaky because they explored the stairs and then fell down. Toddlers are just doing their toddler thing with their toddler brain. It’s our job as the adults to provide the boundaries and co-regulation they need to support their developmental task (exploration) without getting hurt!
So we provide lots of supervision and baby-gates. And we support their safe exploration of the stairs- holding their hands as they go up and down, or sitting one step below them while they play.
If we remember a few important tenets of brain-based parenting:
- Connection is a biological imperative
- Behavior is an externalization of inner experience
- Regulated, Connected, Kids who Feel Safe Behave Well
Then we can feel confident that when our kids are struggling (lying, stealing, manipulation, opposition, etc.) that they need more support.
What does it really mean to follow the rules?
Following the rules and behaving in socially acceptable ways requires quite a bit of internalized co-regulation/self-regulation.
Think about it.
Do babies and toddlers follow the rules and behave in socially acceptable ways?
Have you ever taken one out to dinner???
They aren’t naughty or bad. They don’t have the brain structures in place to not cry loudly, wait patiently for their dinner, or know that the family behind you isn’t there to entertain them.
As they grow, their brain grows. And if they are experiencing co-regulation by a regulated, attuned caregiver, their regulatory circuits grow too.
They can wait without screaming, even when they are really hungry.
They can comply with your redirection to leave the nice family behind you alone because they are trying to enjoy a nice dinner.
It’s not that their thinking brain grew enough for them to know this is the way to behave in a restaurant.
The knowing is HELPFUL, but we all know that simply KNOWING the correct behavior and DOING the correct behavior don’t always coincide.
So why do children increase in their ability to behave in the ways we expect?
Well….at the same time that their thinking braining is developing and gaining all sorts of new knowledge, their regulatory circuits are developing and growing nice and strong.
Their brain develops in a lovely harmony and then they demonstrate the behavior we expect! Not perfect by any means, but typical kid behavior.
And this happens to a whopping…oh….1% of children?
Honestly I have no idea the actual statistic.
But I do know the families that I work with aren’t parenting children who are behaving in developmentally expected ways.
Delayed Developmet of Self-Regulation
The families I work with tell me they can’t trust their children to play with the neighbors without bopping them on the head or throwing a truck at them.
At the age of 10.
The families I work with tell me that they can’t trust their children to walk down the street to play with their friend without their child defacing another neighbor’s bike or walking straight into an even DIFFERENT neighbor’s house.
At age 12.
The families I work with tell me that they can’t trust their child to go to the bathroom by themselves without dumping out all the shampoo, squeezing the toothpaste down the drain, and clogging up the toilet with allllllllllll the toilet paper.
At age 7.
We can look at these behaviors through the lens of connection, regulation, and felt-safety, but….
What do we actually DO about these behaviors?
Parents feel manipulated and held-hostage. They say things to me like “as soon as I’m not there, my child does whatever they want.” “My child only behaves correctly when I’m watching.”
Yes!!! Yes this is true!!!
But it’s not about trust!!!
It’s about regulation!!
As children’s brains are still building and wiring and developing, they rely on their caregiver’s brains to ‘lend them’ regulation.
Regulation helps with impulse control. Slowing down. Thinking through consequences. THINKING before doing. Making prosocial choices with behavior. Valuing other people. Knowing how my behavior impacts other people. Understanding the LONG term impact of my behavior instead of this instantaneous impact of my behavior.
Decrease the Distance
Boundaries with Co-Regulation almost always means our child needs more of us. More instruction. More support. More supervision. They need us to be literally, physically closer. More often.
It means your 10-year-old can’t be dropped off at a birthday party. It means your 12-year-old can’t ride bikes arounds the block. It means your 16-year-old can’t get their driver’s license or go to the movies unsupervised with their friends.
Because they need you CLOSER. Not because they can’t be trusted. Because they literally need the coregulation.
Coregulation isn’t always active. Coregulation is often just about being present.
Over time, children internalize the co-regulation.
Internalized coregulation is ONLY developed through coregulation.
Not through teaching.
Not through parent-imposed consequences.
Not through punishment.
Providing more co-regulation may me that you:
Decrease the distance
Increase attunement
Provide appropriate scaffolding (scaffolding means we slowly decrease the supports in place, allowing children to flex the muscles of their new skills. Think of it like training wheels on a bike!)
And then you grieve your child’s intense need for co-regulation.
Your 10-year-old needs you to stay at the birthday kid’s house for the birthday party, hanging out in the kitchen, or maybe even just sitting in the car. Your 12-year-old needs you to ride behind them while they ride bikes around the block. Or they can only go two houses down, or they must stay in the caul-de-sac. Even when all their friends get to go further.
Your 16-year-old can have their friends over to watch a movie but can’t be dropped OFF at the movies. Or you and your teen agree that you can stealthily buy a ticket to the same movie, sit in the back, and pinky-promise that your teen’s friends WILL NOT SEE YOU. But you gotta be there.
Your 6 and 8-year-olds can’t play unsupervised in their bedrooms. They need to play in the living room, with you nearby.
Again, this isn’t about TRUST. It’s about having the necessary co-regulation available.
Parenting is supposed to get less active as our children get older, so actively parenting your teenager as though they are a toddler is exhausting.
And they are missing out on some pretty cool aspects of being a teenager.
There is grief there.
These boundaries might feel like a punishment to your child.
I get it. That’s hard. Allow them to be angry and to protest and to plead.
It’s so hard to be different.
Co-regulation is intended to build internalized self-regulation!
Don’t forget! This is just a part of the process. The entire point is to provide your child the experiences their brain needs so that they can develop their own regulatory circuits!!! (Though sometimes kids do have significant brain-based differences that require us to reconsider our long-term goals).
Children who have delayed development of their regulatory circuits- whether that’s due to abuse, neglect, toxic stress, or other factors that have less to due with their caregiving experiences- need MORE boundaries, not less.
So often when we think about boundaries we think about consequences and punishments. Boundaries are much more effective when proactively provided- like a baby gate! Boundaries recognize the development of our children’s brains and provide them the support and supervision that they need to be their best selves. Boundaries help our kids have the kinds of experiences they need for their brain to develop MORE regulatory circuits!!!
Regulation isn’t the only reason children struggle with behaviors- it could be a lack of connection (to you or to themselves) or a lack of felt-safety (or they truly don’t know the right thing to do, though that’s usually the least likely reason).
But if the reason for the difficult behavior is lack of regulation, we’ve got to INCREASE the coregulation.
Decrease the distance
Increase attunement
Implement scaffolding (remember- scaffolding is like training wheels)
Keep on keepin’ on. Building brains is hard work.
Robyn
Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.
Just let me know where to send the link!
- All Behavior Makes Sense {EP 198} - October 8, 2024
- How Can the Club Help Me? {EP 197} - October 4, 2024
- Whiplash! When a Meltdown Comes Outta Nowhere {EP 196} - October 1, 2024
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