Caring for your Own Watchdog & Possum as a Parent with a History of Trauma: Part 4 of 6 {EP 253}

Robyn: We started this series with an episode all about parenting triggering your own trauma, and what that might look like, and what are some things you might be able to do. And then we moved into our second episode about how your trauma-shaped nervous system makes sense. We're constantly talking about how our kids behavior makes sense and their nervous system makes sense. And we're just pausing to be really specific here, your trauma-shaped nervous system makes sense. And then in the third episode last week, we talked about nurturing your own window of stress tolerance as a parent who has a history of trauma or toxic stress. And in today's episode, we're going to talk about how to care for our own Watchdog and Possum parts, specifically as a parent with a history of trauma, Last summer, I created a 15-day guided experience inside the club, exactly for this, exactly for caring parents, caring for our own Watchdog and Possum parts. So I'm going to be referencing that throughout today's episode, because that experience of me developing that 15 day practice has really informed how I look at this through the lens of parenting. So you'll be hearing me reference that 15-day guided practice throughout the episode today the ideas about caring for your own Watchdog and Possum parts, and how I'm conceptualizing that is inspired by Dr. Dan Siegel's Interpersonal Neurobiology theory and the approach that interpersonal neurobiology takes. 

Robyn: Yikes, specifically so Interpersonal Neurobiology talks about integration and the nine different domains of integration, and there are two domains specifically that I am thinking about when I'm thinking about caring for our own Watchdog and Possum parts, and that's Dan Siegel's domains of conscious integration of consciousness and state integration. Now, if these words are like I've never heard these words before, they mean nothing to me, integration, state integration, integration of consciousness, kind of just forget I said them. They're not super important for the rest of the episode. But if you are familiar with interpersonal neurobiology, I wanted to just sort of bring it all together that those are the pieces that I'm looking at, especially when thinking about caring for our own Watchdog and Possum parts. I don't want to get too lost in the theory here. I want to focus mostly on practical things that you can take away from this episode, but from an interpersonal neurobiology theoretical perspective, caring for our Watchdog and Possum parts is about being able to notice the thoughts, the feelings, the sensations that are being held by our different Watchdog and Possum parts, just like our kids, we all have different Watchdogs and different Possums, right? We have different levels of Watchdog activation, right? That What's up Watchdog and that ready for action, Watchdog and that back off Watchdog and that attack Watchdog. And then we have those different levels of Possum activation as well the La La Land Possum, the Trickster Possum, the shutdown Possum and the collapse Possum. And so all of us, whether we have a history of trauma or not, and whether we're a kid or a grown up, all of us have Watchdog and Possum parts, and all of us have these different levels of Watchdog and Possum parts. Folks with a history of trauma and toxic stress have Watchdogs and Possums that are working overtime. 

Robyn: They are working so, so, so, so hard to keep us safe, and often, what happens is they become really, really sensitized, and they get to work too quickly and with too much intensity. So for example, you know, we need our Watchdog and our Possum to respond to the different stressors in our lives. And when we have a mild stressor like we don't get what we want, or we don't get to do what we want, we'll often have a mild stress response, a What's up Watchdog stress response, for example, wonderful, perfect. That's exactly what the nervous system is supposed to do, but for those of us with a history of trauma and toxic stress, we have really overzealous Watchdogs and Possums, and there might be an objectively small stressor and then a very big Watchdog or Possum response. Now this isn't criticism of our very brave and very hard-working Watchdog and Possum parts. It's not criticism in the least, but our Watchdogs and Possums are not unique in that it's really hard to work overtime for too long, right? Eventually we get really, really, really tired, and that's true for our Watchdogs and our Possums as well. They work overtime. They're really tired. They're quote, unquote, overreacting. They're misinterpreting cues, all the things that go along with being really overworked. We can take some steps to care for our Watchdog and our Possum with curiosity, with gratitude and with acceptance, so that eventually our Owls can notice when our Watchdog or our Possum parts are getting activated, and be with our Watchdog And our Possum parts, as opposed to becoming our Watchdog and our Possum parts. 

Robyn: And so when we can be with our different parts, as opposed to becoming our different parts, we open up a lot more choice, a lot more flexibility, and ultimately, we are alleviating some of the intensity of the work that those Watchdog and Possum parts are doing. They're so committed to keeping us safe. They're so so so committed to keeping us safe. And they are tired. So if we can care for our Watchdog and Possum parts, if we can notice and be with our Watchdog and Possum parts, if we can stand. In what Dr Siegel calls the hub of our mind and be with what's happening out on our rim points. He uses this wheel of awareness metaphor. If we can stay in the hub of our mind and be with our rim points, our different Watchdog and Possum parts and thoughts and sensations and feelings, that's when we increase our capacity to strengthen our stress response system, right to notice a stress response without becoming the stressor. And again, I want to reiterate we want to practice this not because our stress response is bad, it's just because it's tired. And we want to take care of our stress responses. We want to take care of our very committed and tenacious Watchdog and Possum parts so that they only have to work as hard as we really need them to, and they can spend time resting and playing and lounging. Obviously, this is all very metaphorical, but I think it really helps to think of these different parts of ourselves through this lens of our Watchdog and our Possum. When we're thinking about Watchdogs and Possums, it actually becomes, I think, a little easier to think about caring for them, and I think it's a little easier to care for our Watchdog and our Possum than it is to care for our stress response system or to care for our amygdala, for example. That might not be true for you. For you, that's just been mostly true for me. So to be really clear, I am not trying to get rid of anyone's Watchdog or Possum, not your kids, not yours, right? Our Watchdogs and Possums have developed skills to take care of us in the best way that they know how. And for those of us who are parenting inside an experience that is toxic stress, right, a child with caring for a child with a vulnerable nervous system, and we also have our own history of trauma and toxic stress. That means, almost certainly, we have Watchdog and Possum parts that are overworked, so overworked, and they really have a longing to be both recognized for how hard they're working for us, and to have the ability to rest so when we care for our Watchdog and Possum parts, part of what we're doing is increasing our capacity to notice, see and be with our Watchdog And Possum parts without becoming our Watchdog and Possum parts. 

Robyn: When I developed this guided practice last year, I framed it in three different parts, essentially. So the first stage is kind of like meeting our own Watchdog and Possum parts and getting to know them, getting curious about our own Watchdog and Possum parts. And then the second stage is being with those parts without fixing them, so connecting further with these different parts and really being with them without judgment, without trying to fix them. And then the third stage is getting curious about what do our Watchdog and our Possum parts need now? And this isn't about fixing or getting rid of them. It's about meeting a need that will allow that Possum or allow that Watchdog to feel safe enough to rest and to only work when we really need it to work. Okay, so those are the three stages. I'm going to walk us through those three stages and just a little bit of a kind of a general high level overview that could help you think about walking through these different stages yourself. Now, of course, if you're a member of the club, we've stored the caring for your Watchdog and pulsing parts guided practice yell. It's over in the resource library, so you can go and do this guided practice whenever you want to, and I'm anticipating that we'll do it as a group again. We'll do it with the full club, probably sometime this summer. I think we'll set the groundwork for it by first doing our 15-day self-compassion guided practice. We'll probably do that this spring, I think, in March, and then having that self-compassion base will really ease us nicely into this guided practice of caring for your Watchdog and pots and parts. So if you're in the club, just know that both of those things the self compassion guided practice and they'll carry or caring for your Watchdog and Possum parts guided part. Practice. 

Robyn: They're always available, even if we're not doing them as a club, right? They're over in that resource library. So stage one, getting curious about your different Watchdog and Possum parts, getting curious about your different protective parts and really getting to know them. If you've read Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors, or if you have worked on some of the resources that I offer, you know that one of the first things we do is observe and track and really get to know our kids different Watchdog and Possum parts, like, what do our kids say and do? What are their behaviors? What kinds of things do they seem to be thinking? What kinds of sensations Do they seem to be having in these different Watchdog and Possum parts? So really, getting curious about the different parts, getting to know them uniquely. There are some kind of overall similarities with the different levels of Watchdogs and Possums, you know, kind of across all people. But how those similarities get expressed, how they become behaviors that we can observe. There's a lot of variances. So we can learn about the nervous system states, and then we have to get really curious about our own unique Watchdog and Possum parts. What are our own unique Possum Watchdog and Possum parts? Think, feel, do, right? So we're going to do that in the exact same way that we try to do that for our kids. The main difference, of course, is that with our kids, we have to really put on those x ray vision goggles and use our kids' behaviors or the things that they say as cues or clues. With ourselves, we have more access to our own inner world, right? We have access to our thoughts, we have access to our sensations and our kids. 

Robyn: We don't have direct access to those things, so stage number one really coming to know our own Watchdog and Possum parts. What does our what's up? Watchdog think or feel, say or do. What does our ready for action? Watchdog think and feel and say and do. What does the La La La Land Possum think and feel and say and do, right? We want to do this with all stages, right? There's four protection mode Watch Dogs, four protection mode Possums. Then, of course, there's the Watchdog that can connect with the Owl and be playful and connected. And then there's the Possum that can be connected to the Owl, that can be very rustful and still okay, so we're gonna get to know all of our different parts and some of the cues and clues that can help us recognize, oh, that's why, what's a Watchdog coming into play here? So we can stay in our the hub of our minds that Dr Siegel's language stay in the hub of our minds and see our Watchdog because we're recognizing these different characteristics of those different Watchdogs and Possums, really seeing and being With all of our different Watchdog and postmortem metaphorically live out on our rim point. Strengthens the hub of our mind. It grows our Owl brain and increases integration, which is ultimately what we're what we're going for. It's the path to strengthening our stress response system. Okay, so really getting to know our own Watchdog and Possum parts. If you are in my free resource hub, totally free. Robyn gobbel.com/free, resource hub, there are some resources in there that help you get to know your kids, Watchdog and Possum parts. So those aren't specific to us as adults, but you can use those as a guide. It's a great place to start. 

Robyn: The reality is, is that they're a lot the same, right? That how adults behave in their different Watchdog and Possum parts can often be different than how children do adults have had a lot more time to practice a lot of different kinds of protective behaviors, so the behaviors can come out differently, but the overall theory is the same, whether we're talking about kids or adults. So the resources in the free resource hub that are, you know, created with your kids in mind. You can just kind of shift your lens and think about them, those Watch Dogs and Possums, you know, as as your own watch dog and Possum. If you have Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors, you can go to, I think it's chapter five. Chapter Five where we're getting to know. Our kids, Watchdog and Possum parts, and you can use all of that to, you know, connect with your own Watchdog and Possum parts. And again, if you're in the club, or if you want to come and join the club, you can head to the resource library and look for that caring for our Watchdog and Possum parts

Robyn: guided practice. I think when this series is done, one of the things I'll do y'all over in the club is put together, almost like a little mini course or mini practice, where I kind of strategically pull together the different club resources that already exist, put them together in one place, and frame them through the lens of caring for our own nervous system that has been impacted by trauma and toxic stress. So I think that's what I'll do at the end, just to make it a little easier to find these resources over in the club. Okay, so stage two of caring for our Watchdog and Possum parts is about really being with, really connecting to those Watchdog and Possum parts without any kind of fix it or go away energy. So before we can really be with them. We have to identify them, right? So we identify first, then we move into just really being with those parts and being with them with curiosity, with gratitude. Oh, I know that can be so hard to accept, right, without any attempt to get rid of or fix, and it's so common, and I know I still struggle with this daily so common, to want to get rid of these parts that are causing us a lot of pain and maybe causing our relationships some pain as well. We want to get rid of them. 

Robyn: And the energy of trying to get rid of something is protection mode energy. And protection mode energy makes a lot of sense here, but it isn't going to bring us closer to integration. So it makes a lot of sense, but it is not going to help us in the long run. We need to find a way to be with these different parts of ourselves with connection mode energy, which is why we are looking to bring energy of curiosity, energy of acceptance, energy even of gratitude, because that's connection mode energy, and it's that state of the nervous system that is what increases integration, strengthens our own stress response system. So instead of trying to get rid of these different parts or being mad at them, which, again, is very just, but doesn't ultimately help us in the long run, we can look for ways to really sit with and be with these different protector parts, really hear these different parts. Get super curious about what they're saying, what they need, right? Really notice the different feelings and sensations that accompany these different parts. We can do things like write letters of gratitude to our different Watchdog and Possum parts. So there's these different experiences that we could prompt that can help us really connect with and be with our different Watchdog and Possum parts, which is a slightly different experience than just noticing them or identifying them. This might sound a little, I don't know, a little hokey, but you can imagine, like your different Watchdog and Possum parts, like coming for a visit, and if they arrived at your home, how? How would you welcome them? 

Robyn: Sometimes that helps us imagine that welcoming energy. You could imagine dialoguing or conversing between two different parts, or between the Owl and one of the Watchdog are Possum parts, and imagine a conversation, and imagine them getting curious about one another and asking each other questions, like, what do you wish I understood about you? There's so many ways to invite this curiosity, to invite this understanding, in the spirit of wanting to invite more integration, more connection between parts, because we're not getting rid of parts, but the more integrated. Parts are, the more, the more fluidly we can shift between parts, and the more we will only need our Watchdog and Possum parts to kind of jump into action when we really need them. To the third stage, then is getting curious about, what does this part need now? What does the different watch? What do the different Watchdogs and Possums need now? What would bring safety to the What's up Watchdog or the La La Land, Possum or the back off? Watchdog? What? What unmet need contributed to that Watchdog or Possum part getting so strong in the first place? Right? What do those different parts need in the moment, like, when they really start to, like, jump into action? What do they need in those moments? And getting quiet with ourselves and getting curious with our different parts and engaging in these curious conversations internally with these different parts of ourselves helps us one come up with actually, some really great ideas about what we need, what kinds of things we could actually do to help our Watchdog and Possum parts feel safer. We can get some actually really great ideas that we already are holding inside our own minds and our own bodies. These ideas are already there. 

Robyn: The key becomes getting quiet enough and curious enough to hear about them, to hear about them. And it is also true that neurobiologically, just the act of this kind of internal dialog, just the act of getting curious about what's needed, how could we bring safety? Just the act of those curiosities regard, you know, kind of no matter what the answer is, but the process of it strengthens the Owl, strengthens the hub, increases integration, strengthens that stress response system. Now, hopefully it's really clear this, I just walked you through these three stages. Like, this isn't something to sit down and like, do all three, you know, in the next hour or later tonight, this is a slow, kind of deliberate practice going slOwly, kind of taking it like stage by stage, layer by layer. So I don't want you to end this episode feeling pressured or feeling some urgency. I totally get the feeling of urgency to help our Watchdog and Possum parts feel better. I have a lot of Watchdog and Possum parts that cause me a lot of harm, cause the people around me a lot of harm, and I can feel some urgency to want them to stop it, frankly. So I get that urgency, and again, almost always, that urgency is coming from protection mode, and that nervous system state isn't going to bring about the and invite the integration that we're looking for. In order for those Watchdog and Possum parts to truly calm, right, to truly kind of take a rest, we really need that to come from an experience in connection mode, right? We're not getting rid of the Watchdog and the Possum again, that would be protection mode energy. We're not getting rid of them. We are wanting to strengthen our Owl so that the Watchdog and the Possum can rest in play, except for when they're really needed to come into action. The Watchdog and the Possum are so important. 

Robyn: We want them to be here. We want them to always be here. We want them to work when we need them to work and all the other times. We want them to rest. Our Watchdogs and our Possums have strengthened. They have developed for a reason they really deserve our acceptance, our compassion and yes, actually, even our gratitude. I have also found that when thinking about wanting to bring compassion, acceptance and gratitude to our kids, Watchdog and Possum parts, that for some folks, it's easier to start there. Can I bring acceptance, compassion, curiosity, gratitude to my kids, Watchdog and Possum parts, that then opens up some capacity to bring compassion, acceptance, gratitude, curiosity, to our Watchdog and Possum parts.

Robyn: And then what I find is it kind of goes back and forth like as. One gets stronger, the other gets stronger, and then the other gets stronger, and then the other gets stronger. Because, of course, there is no end game here, right? We're always increasing in integration and strengthening our stress response system, and so we're really kind of looking for a way in, and then there can be kind of like a toggling back and forth. Now, for some folks, it's impossible to find compassion, curiosity, acceptance, and gratitude for their kids, Watchdog and Possum parts, until they first bring some to themselves. Neither pathway in is right or wrong or means means anything. It just means that we're all different. And for some of us, the easier pathway in is thinking about our kids, Watchdog, impossible parts. And sometimes the easier pathway in is thinking about our Watchdog and Possum parts. So you start where it's easier, and then know that often what happens next is that we start to shift that energy to the other and then the energy shifts back and then back and then back and then back, and it's this kind of lovely back and forth experience that's never ending, except for that sometimes it pauses, you know, like I'm not in a constant state of developing more compassion for my own Watchdog at Possum parts. I wish I was, but I'm not. I get derailed sometimes, and sometimes I move more into protection mode energy, and I, you know, rage to the sky, and I'm like, Why can't this just be better, right? I'm not in constant, you know, compassion, but I do think that in general, I am in constant pursuit of that even when there is a stage of the pursuit that isn't moving towards compassion at all, right, it's still part of the journey, even if it doesn't feel like it's actively moving towards that. I hope that makes sense. 

Robyn: So y'all, we have two episodes left in this series. Next week, we're going to talk about identifying triggers as a parent with a history of trauma and toxic stress, and then in the sixth episode, in the final episode of the series, we're going to talk about grief and grieving as a parent with our own histories of trauma and toxic stress. And I'm going to tell you that that is an ongoing journey for me. Grieving isn't something that ever ends, and it's not something I can always be actively doing. Sometimes the grief is too much and I just can't tolerate it, and then other times I can be with that grief. And then sometimes I have to pull out of it because it's just too much and I can't tell too much and I can't tolerate and then sometimes I can be with it again. So it's this kind of ever-present, ebb and flow that, and that's just my personal experience, but I think it's helpful to know that there's no end game in grieving, grieving what we lost, grieving what we didn't receive, grieving how it's impacting our parenting in ways that feel really painful. Okay, okay, okay, huh? Wow. I'm loving, loving, loving, creating this series for you. I'm hoping it's feeling helpful to you. If you are a new listener to The Baffling Behavior Show and you have stumbled upon the podcast. While we're in the middle of this series, you might be wondering like, oh my gosh, this nervous system stuff like, where, where can I, you know, find out more about just the basics. I have a introductory webinar, completely free. 

Robyn: You can watch it right on my website. Robyngobbel.com/webinar, it gets you started there. You can also grab a copy of Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors. You could subscribe to the Start Here podcast, which is a separate podcast feed from the podcast you're listening to right now The Baffling Behavior Show. It's a separate podcast feed, but it contains episodes from The Baffling Behavior Show. So what I've done is is taken the episodes that I think are the most helpful at answering that question of like, where do I start with all this information about the nervous system and behaviors, where do I start? And so I called the podcast start here, and it's just a curated episode list of where I think you should begin if this is all super new to you. So you can read, Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors. You can subscribe to the Start Here podcast. You can watch my free webinar, focus on the nervous system. That's at Robyngobbel.com/webinar, you can get the webinar and the star here podcast over in my free resource hub to along with about 20 ish more other free resources. So that's Robyn gobbel.com/free resource hub. It's such an unbelievable honor. And the privilege to be with you again in this way, and I will look very much forward to being with you again next week. Bye, y'all.