Boundaries with Verbal Aggression with Juliane Taylor Shore {EP 115}


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Juliane Taylor Shore is the founder of IPNB Austin- a therapy practice in Austin, TX. She sees clients and trains other therapists from the foundation of interpersonal neurobiology and relational neuroscience- which is the foundation of this podcast. You can also find Jules at www.ClearIsKind.com where she explores how to work with the brain so you can feel more solid and protected in yourself through boundary work. 

As a couples and adult therapist, Juliane talks a lot about boundaries in the context of adult relationships. But I have known for years that the way she works with boundaries has huge implications for the parents I work with.

So often when folks talk about having boundaries, the conversation ends with kinda the nuclear option- if you don’t respect my boundaries, I’m ending this relationship.

But, what about when we have relationships with folks who aren’t respecting our boundaries and we also can’t end the relationship?

If you’ve listened to the first two parts of this three part series on boundaries, then you know that boundaries are not about our attempt to control another person. Instead, boundaries are about how we will respond when the expectations of our relationship aren’t followed. And boundaries for our children are also about creating the containment and structure they need to feel safe in the moment while also providing the safety and regulation they need for continued development.

But what about when what your child says or does is hurtful!?!? Like when they are verbally aggressive? 

I brought Jules here specifically to talk about the parenting relationship- where not only can you not create that distance but our kids actually need us to stay close, to keep offering connection, safety, and co-regulation.

(Please also hear so clearly that in this episode we are talking uniquely about the parent child relationship dynamics.

If you are in an adult mutual relationship with someone who struggles to regulate their behavior and it comes out through verbal attacks, lying, manipulation- you can stand solidly in the truth that it’s not true, not about you, and take steps to create the distance you need in that relationship so you can experience the respect, connection, and mutuality you deserve.

Note: This episode is also not addressing physical boundaries. If you are parenting a child who is regularly physically aggressive or dangerous, psychological boundaries are helpful but not enough. I know that if you are parenting a child who is physically aggressive or dangerous you need help. This episode is not about physically dangerous behavior.)

So, Why Boundaries?

Psychological boundaries, where you put a little space between your mind and another person’s mind, empowers you to perceive safety. Although the brain is much more complicated than this, for now, think of it in basically two states: a more integrated state, and a less integrated state. 

Integration means all these neural networks are firing, doing their own thing, processing their own stuff, and they’re cross-sharing information with each other. The more that’s happening, the more nuance is available, the more creativity is available, and the more self-soothing is possible. Less integration is preferable when we are actually in danger because who has time for cross-sharing information and nuance when we are focused on survival or not getting physically hurt?

Verbal aggression being hurled at us by our kids can bring up a lot of pain, but it’s not actually dangerous.

Boundaries add internal protection, so you can be a little bit more empowered to increase your perception of safety, regardless of what is happening around you. As you have better and better psychological boundaries, you can feel less hurt by your child’s insults, hard words, or cursing. As you protect yourself, you can actually support your brain in being able to enter a state where more creative and nuanced responses are possible.

True? Or not True? About me? Or not about me?

Asking these questions is just one of the ways Jules’ helps us think about strengthening our psychological boundaries, discerning if we are going to let in someone else’s thoughts, behaviors or words.

And y’all, this is HARD. I really hope you’ll listen to the full episode or read the transcript so you can take in EVERYTHING Jules has to say about boundaries…because it is life-changing. 

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.
Just let me know where to send the links!

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When Parenting is Traumatic {EP 95}


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Something we don’t talk about enough…

No matter how much effort we put into understanding behavior, seeing our kids for who they truly are, and connecting with their infinite worth, for those navigating the baffling behaviors of kids who have experienced trauma, or have sensitized stress response systems and/or vulnerable nervous systems…

Keep reading or listen on the podcast

Parenting Can Be Traumatic

Sure, we’ve talked about the secondary trauma that can come along with parenting a child who’s impacted by trauma.

The National Child Traumatic Stress Network defines secondary traumatic stress as the emotional duress that results when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experiences of another.

But that’s not the whole story.

Trauma & Toxic Stress

Dr. Stephen Porges says trauma disrupts our capacity to feel safe. Feeling safe and being physically safe aren’t the same thing. Felt-safety is what matters when we are talking about trauma.

Dr. Bruce Perry defines Toxic Stress as stress that is extreme, unpredictable, and prolonged.

Has parenting disrupted your capacity to feel safe? And has it been stress that is extreme, unpredictable and prolonged?

For many of you, the answer is YES, It’s traumatic

You are having hundreds and hundreds of experiences that I would define as traumatic.

What all these experiences boil down to is the trauma and toxic stress of feeling so unseen, and so very alone.

Validation and Hope

I want to give you hope that even before the chaos in your family changes, there really are things that can help strengthen your stress response system. Practical things. Things that don’t have to take more time. The #1 thing is connection. To be seen and known. Find a place to be seen and known. You deserve it.

I want you to know you aren’t alone, and more families than you can imagine all over the globe are experiencing what you’re experiencing. There is much grief, yet much connection in that truth.

I see you.

Listen to the podcast or read the full episode transcript to learn some of the reasons I believe your experiences are defined as trauma, signs that you might be experiencing trauma and toxic stress, and ways to attend to your own nervous system.

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.

Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Child Can’t Handle No {EP 92}


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When your child can’t handle hearing ‘NO’ or gets really dysregulated when a boundary is set, it can be really hard on the whole family. Understanding the role of Frustration Tolerance in your child’s reaction to hearing ‘NO’ can help you set them up for growing this developmental skill.

Keep reading or listen on the podcast

Frustration Tolerance

All humans have hopes, desires, and wants. That’s true for you. True for me. And true for your child. It doesn’t mean they are spoiled – it just means they are human. Being able to tolerate the frustration of not getting what we want is a pretty complex developmental skill – an Owl Brain skill. It develops over time and improves as we get older. Even my own adult brain’s capacity to tolerate frustration can vary based on how wide my window of tolerance to stress is on a given day.

Our kids with more vulnerable nervous systems have not developed the regulatory capacity to tolerate frustration. This is a developmental skill that requires regulation, felt-safety and connection.  

The Impact of Trauma on Frustration Tolerance

As caregivers, we know that there are lots of reasons (often good and benevolent reasons) our kids can’t always get what they want. 

Mental Models: Kids with complex trauma and histories wherein relationship hasn’t been safe, have a hard time embodying that a ‘No’ or a boundary is not personal. Their Mental Models may only allow them to interpret the boundary as confirmation that you are mean or that you don’t like them. 

Memory Processing: Another thing that can impact the experience of frustration tolerance is that for kids with complex trauma and vulnerable nervous systems, the yucky feelings of frustration and disappointment can feel like they will last forever. When feelings of frustration and disappointment come up, it may activate implicit memories of a time in the past when experiences of frustration and disappointment did not receive co-regulation–a time when they felt bad for a very long period. This can bring up a sense that they will always feel bad and never feel good again which can catapult them into pretty intense dysregulation. 

(You may want to see my previous podcasts about Trauma, Memory and Behavior to better understand Mental Models and Memory Processing.) 

Part of developing frustration tolerance is learning and trusting that “I can feel bad. I can experience frustration and disappointment, and I can still be okay. I can tolerate having a yucky feeling without freaking out, because I know I can make it through this yucky feeling and be okay. And the yucky feeling will end. ” 

Now, this does not mean that the child will experience frustration joyfully or happily. Frustration and disappointment are both valid negative emotions, and they’re going to be expressed that way. Part of our work, as their grown ups, is to develop our capacity to tolerate their experiences of and expressions of frustration and disappointment.

How to Increase Frustration Tolerance

  • Coregulation
  • Lowering the bar (this is different than ‘giving in’)
  • Supporting their Window of Tolerance before communicating the boundary
  • Caregiver self-compassion and regulation
  • Reframing child’s response to ‘No’ as lack of frustration tolerance

It is possible that if none of the above resonates for you, your child with complex trauma may have an extreme response to frustration tolerance due to a lack of sense of self. These kids feel best when they are enmeshed with their caregiver and become intensely dysregulated when a boundary creates a feeling of separation from the person they are relying on for their sense of self. You can learn more about this in my attachment series HERE or by downloading the free ebook on Attachment HERE.

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.

Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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How to Parent a Bottomless Pit of Needs {EP 88}


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Sometimes it feels like our kids have a hole in the bottom of their heart.  No matter how much love and attention is put in, it seems like it’s never ever enough.  

These kids cannot hold onto the feeling of presence and connection.  When it’s there, it’s great.  When it’s not, it’s like it was never there to begin with and they’ll never get it again.  They don’t have a string that connects them to all the moments of connection they’ve had in the past and all the moments they will have in the future.  

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Whining is a Sign of Stress

Whining, crying, and clingy behavior is behavior that signals the nervous system is stressed.  The whiny behavior is code for “I need more connection.”  The challenge, of course, is that oftentimes we don’t want to connect with someone who is whining.  It’s annoying!

Step One

Recognize that their behavior is signaling “I need connection.”  

Step Two

Focus on your own regulation.  When you’re dysregulated, your presence isn’t going to meet your child’s need, so the bottomless pit really is bottomless.  

Next- Scaffold Connection

Once you see the need and regulate yourself, now you look at how to scaffold your child’s need for connection.

Do you simply need to increase the amount of connection you have with your child, while you are regulated?

Or- does your child need help taking in that connection so their need is met and they are no longer experiencing it as bottomless?

Connection is tricky because it’s not really something you can see.  But, it can be felt and one way to fill the bottomless pit is to bring attention to it.

Scripts, Activities, and Rituals

For scripts, activities, and rituals that can help fill your child’s need for connection, listen to the podcast or read the full transcript below!

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.

Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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But- What about a Consequence?!?! {EP 56}

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Is this way of parenting, this connection-based, brain-based, co-regulation-based way, permissive parenting? Are kids just learning to get away with bad behavior?

Don’t people need a consequence to learn what behavior to do more of…and what behavior to do less of?

Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast

But- What About a Consequence?

The question “But what about a consequence?” usually means one of two things.

Either the person asking the question hasn’t fully bought into the relational neuroscience theory that regulated connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do) do well– OR they are dysregulated themselves and have fallen into old ways of responding to negative behavior.

That happens to all of us!

When we are dysregulated, we fall back into old, well-exercised neural pathways like “Bad behavior = consequence.”

I wrote about this in a blog from a few weeks ago- check it out! Has Trauma Informed Become Another Behavior Modification Technique?

What does Consequence Even Mean

Another challenge with the “But What About a Consequence” question is that nobody really agrees on what consequence means.

A consequence is just the thing that happens next. 

The consequence of me putting my foot on the gas is that my car accelerates.

The consequence of me oversleeping is that I have a rushed morning, I’m grouchy, and maybe late.

The consequence of one too many cups of coffee is that I can’t sleep for 12 days.

Some consequences are positive

They tend to make us want to do that behavior again.

The consequence of me finally getting up early enough to not rush through my morning routine and make it to work on time is positive- I like that.  I’ll do that again.

Some consequences are negative

The consequence of me drinking a cup of coffee after 2pm means I will never sleep again.  I don’t like that- I won’t do that again.

Learning from consequences- not punishments- means that the next time the situation rolls around, I have to remember.  I have to be regulated so that I can be mindful enough to pause my behavioral impulses- to drink coffee all day long- long enough to think “WAIT. Don’t drink that!  You’ll never sleep again!”

This is actually a pretty advanced cognitive skill and like I said, requires a lot of regulation and mindfulness.

Because slowing down, noticing, and choosing a different behavior requires a LOT of energy and frankly even calories.

Consequence Do Work!

It’s not that consequences- positive or negative- don’t work.  Consequences can lead to behavior change.

It’s that we’re banking on the problem being related to the child needing to know something new and then the next time, being regulated enough to pause, remember, and do something different.

I mean, most adults I know have a hard time with that!

Consequence is often a code-word for Punishment

Beyond that, very rarely do people use the word consequence to mean what it means- something that happens next.   

Most of the time, we are using the word consequence as a code word for punishment.

But what about the consequence? isn’t really asking about the consequence, because whatever the consequence really is, it already happened.

It’s really asking- but what is the punishment?

If regulated, connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do!) behave well, why do they need a punishment?

They don’t need a punishment.

They need us to help them solve the real problem.  Do they need to more co-regulation?  Connection? Or felt-safety?

What do Kids Really Need?

Sometimes we realize that our child doesn’t have what they need to be regulated, connected, and experiencing felt-safety in a certain setting.

Maybe your 5 and 7-year-olds can’t play without adult supervision without hurting each other.

They don’t need a punishment.

They need more adult co-regulation so that their 5 and 7-year-old owl brains to stay in charge enough that they can have age-appropriate sharing skills, frustration tolerance, and words to express what they need and want.

This might mean they need their play toys to be in the main room where the grownups are so the regulated adults can lend them their regulated brains more easily.

They might need help scaffolding the very complex social nuances of shared play.

(I give a lot more examples in the podcast episode)

Your Child Does Need Boundaries!

This approach to parenting doesn’t mean you child never hears no or there aren’t any boundaries.

And it isn’t an approach that avoids unhappy children.

It is an approach that recognizes what the real problem is (lack of regulation, connection or felt safety) and had that contributes to poor impulse control, poor frustration tolerance, or difficulty in putting together cause and effect.

Behaviors that we would label as rude or disrespectful or even verbally aggressive are really about a child being activated/aroused and not experiencing felt safety.  That’s dysregulated.

Opposition, defiance, and other challenging behaviors emerge from a brain that isn’t experiencing felt-safety.  Their brain has flipped into protection mode.  The owl brain has flown away and the watch dog or possum brain have taken over.

CLICK HERE for a blog on how activation/arousal is underneath behaviors like opposition, defiance, and aggression.

So- what do we do?

Create safety for the watchdog or possum brain.  Bring that activation down.

Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain is allll about creating safety for the watchdog and possum brain, and growing the owl brain.

Prosocial, age-appropriate social and relational behaviors will emerge.

This is super hard work for us grown-ups!!!  Kids- and especially kids with fragile nervous systems or histories of trauma, need lots of structure, predictability, and co-regulation.

There is a place for our hard-earned grief that our older or bigger kids cannot do the things that their same age peers can do- like play with their siblings or friends without hitting them.  Like get up for school.  Like leave the house in the morning for school without 9 million meltdowns.

Grieve that truth.

What Does Your Child Need to Be Successful?

What’s happening in your child’s body that is leaving them in such a chronic state of activation that they are regularly rude, disrespectful, and uncooperative?  How can you calm their arousal?  Help their body feel safe?  Create an environment or an experience from them to succeed?

This way of parenting isn’t boundary-less or permissive.  It recognizes that children don’t need punishments or rewards to change behavior.  They need regulation, connection, and felt-safety- and probably some new skills too but we have to teach those skills when they’re regulated.

What consequence does this child need (which is almost always code for what punishment does this child need) can be replaced by what does my child need in order to be successful?  How can I create an experience for them in which it would be impossible for them to fail?

When my child isn’t doing well managing the responsibilities of his life I pause and ask why.  What does he need that he isn’t getting?  Regulation? Connection? Felt-Safety?

These are big concepts and I’ve blogged a lot about them in the past!

Has Trauma Informed Become a Behavior Modification Technique?

What’s Regulation Got to do With it

Focus on Arousal not Behavior

Connection can’t not work

We are Always Searching and Yearning for Connection

Felt Safety- what’s that?

Connection or Protection

What Behavior Really Is– free video series masterclass

Deep-Dive into the Watchdog, Owl, and Possum Brain

The owl, watchdog, and possum brain (yours and your child’s!) are the stars of Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain– my online digital course.  Check it out!

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Felt-Safety? What’s That?? {EP 17}

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And….how do we create it??

When was the last time you said something like “My head knows that’s true, but my heart doesn’t.”

I said it just yesterday.

Or maybe your inner voice sounds like “I know that’s true, but it doesn’t feel true.”

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Felt-safety is a subjective experience of safety

Subjective meaning that BEING safe doesn’t necessarily FEEL safe.

Without using the logical thinking brain, the lower not-conscious parts of the brain are asking “Am I safe?” every quarter of a second!!!  That’s four times EVERY SECOND. 

“Safe???”

“Not safe????”

This super fast safety detector is looking three different places.

  1. Our inner experience (heart rate, being hungry, even genetics, biology, inflammation, neuroimmune etc.)
  2. The environment
  3. The person I’m with and our relationship.

Three places, four times every second.

It’s actually pretty impossible to wrap our brains around!

How is the brain determining if something is safe or not?

Our brains are designed to be as efficient as possible so we take all our previous experiences, everything we’ve learned in the past (both consciously and unconsciously) and blend that together with the thing that is actually happening in the here and now.

So, your little one who was once picked up from school by a stranger, put in a car, and brought to a new family, never to see their old family again?

Imagine the new school counselor coming to meet your child in class.

New adult.  In professional clothes.  At school.

DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER.

The school counselor isn’t actually dangerous (well, hopefully!!!) BUT the brain took the now experience (new adult, in professional clothes, at school) and blended it together with a previous experience that was very similar.

If the previous experience was scary, dangerous, traumatic, or just extremely memorable (even if it was good!!!) our brain will give a little more weight to the past experience when deciding how to respond to the now experience.

The brain is also pretty preoccupied with keeping us alive.  

If something scary or dangerous happened in the past, the brain realllllly wants us to learn from that experience.  This means that we are much more likely to have a similar “danger danger!!!!!!!!” response- even if the situation isn’t dangerous.

The school counselor scenario is a decent example of how the brain is looking into the environment for felt-safety.

What about looking into the internal experience?

If a child has a history of intense hunger in the past, then maybe even very mild symptoms of hunger pull up a full-blown fight/flight response.

If a child has a history of having a fast beating heart only when something was dangerous (as opposed to when playing or having fun), then a fast beating heart at recess when nothing is truly dangerous may trigger a full-blown fight/flight response.

Our child’s inner experience isn’t just remnants from the past!  All of us have a protective response when we start to feel hunger or thirst or the urge to go to the bathroom.  This response is a way of motivating us to meet our needs.  It signals “something’s not right!” so we do something about it.

Many children (and adults!) also have other brain-based, biology-based, or genetic-based differences that could contribute to a lack of felt-safety.  An illness- even something as small as a cold or a fever!

How about felt-safety from the person I’m with?

This one is tricky.  One of the places our brain is looking to decide if we are safe or not is if the person I’m with is feeling safe or not.

If the person I’m with is in their own fight/flight or fear-based state- regardless of how well they are trying to hide it– I am going to experience that as ‘not safe.’

If a child is with an adult who is experiencing fear themselves- even if that fear is based on the child’s behavior- then that child cannot experience that adult as safe.  And then the child’s nervous system can’t shift into safety and out of fight/flight or collapse.

It’s pretty hard to control if your child receives cues of safety from their inner experience- but it is important to make sure they are fed, watered, and their sensory needs are met.  We can provide medical treatment and prompt diet changes.  Sometimes (and for some families, many/most of the time) there isn’t much we can do to change our child’s internal experience of felt-safety.  But shifting our lens to understanding that the behavior we are seeing makes perfect sense based on our child’s experience helps us stay out of judgement, remain open and compassionate, and allows us to keep sending relational cues of safety.  This isn’t enough- meaning it won’t necessarily change your child’s internal experience- but it’s still important.

It’s not always easy to control if your child receives cues of safety from the environment- but we can provide as much structure, predictability, and routine as possible (and also be aware of what types of experiences feel unsafe to our children and make accommodations).

It’s DEFINITELY not always easy to control how safe or not safe WE are feeling!!!!

We just keep trying. 

As cliché as it is, parents and caregivers really do need to prioritize their own regulation, widening their own window of tolerance, and finding their own experiences of felt-safety.  Self-compassion, playfulness, noticing things that are good and pleasant, and finding places of connection are all great ways to help our bodies notice and experience felt-safety.

Noticing your own internal cues that let you know you are not feeling safe is also important!  Is your voice getting higher?  Are you holding tension in your shoulders?  Is your heart pounding?

Believe it or not, oftentimes just noticing these cues helps us shift how safe we are feeling.  And we can learn a few other tips and tricks- like taking a breath with a long exhale, placing a hand over our heart, or developing a self-compassion mantra.

Felt-safety- a subjective experience based on cues we receive (below conscious awareness) from our inner experience, the environment, and the person/relationship I’m with.

How the Brain Creates Reality

If you are interested in learning a little bit more about how the brain creates it’s own experience of reality- based only partially on what’s actually happening in the here and now– you can read these blog posts:

No Behavior is Maladaptive

Trauma, Memory, and Behavior

And also watch the free three-part video series on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors (and get the free e-book!).

I know that understanding these concepts doesn’t fix all the behaviors- but believe it or not- understanding these concepts is a parenting strategy.  I explain that more in the Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors video series!!!

Keep on keepin’ on….together, we are changing the world….for children, and for everyone.

Robyn

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Focus on Arousal…Not Behaviors (Part 1) {EP 4}


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Or….getting to know your child’s watch-dog brain (and maybe yours, too).

The key to true, long-lasting behavior change is actually to stop focusing on behaviors.  Stop trying to change them.  Stop the charts.  Stop the behavior modification.  Stop the rewards. Stop the punishments.

Read that again.  How does that feel?  Like a relief?  Like terror??

Both?

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Staying focused on behaviors, rewards, consequences, charts, stickers….it’s all just so exhausting.  It’s exhausting because it doesn’t really work and because it’s pulling us out of integrity with what’s true.  I think all of us have a place inside of us- maybe realllllly buried under a culture of behaviorism- that knows we are really missing the mark when we focus on behaviors.

But, if we stop focusing on behaviors- what do we do instead???  Behavioral techniques offer a bit of safety to the enforcer.  They are such clear guidelines, and we like that!!

If we shift our focus on tracking the energy and arousal that underlies the behaviors, we still get to have the safety and structure that a more behavioral approach offered, while also the relief of finally focusing on the real problem.

Bruce Perry’s Arousal Continuum

The field of the Relational Neurosciences is helping us have a better understanding of the social and relational brain.  Here’s what we know- a brain, mind, body, and nervous system that is regulated, connected (to ourselves and others), and feeling safe ultimately behaves in ways that are in alignment and integrity with our true selves.

And our true selves are relational creatures who need connection to be our best selves.

Like- literally- for our brains to develop, we need connection with other humans.

When we feel safe, we lead with our social engagement system.

It is only when we DON’T feel safe (which is subjective) that we move into ‘defensive strategies.’  Behaviors that reject or protect ourselves from connection.

We move into Watch Dog (or Possum) brain.

Dr. Bruce Perry’s (author of The Boy who was Raised as a Dog and creator of the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics) research shows us that as our level of fear-based arousal increases, our defensive strategies escalate.

He divides this up into two categories- the Fight/Flight continuum and the Dissociative Continuum.  Because I work with kids, I call them our Watch Dog and Possum brains.

This aligns with Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory.  As we begin to detect threat in the environment, we move into sympathetic arousal and demonstrate fight/flight (watch dog) strategies.  Dr. Perry breaks this down into four levels- Alert, Alarm, Fear, and Terror.  As the perceived (well…neuroceived but I’ll say perceived for now because that’s a more common vocab word than neuroceived!) level of threat increases, our level of arousal increases.

Let’s focus just on the fight/flight (watch dog) continuum.

I’ll write a possum brain article in a couple days!

When we first begin to detect fear in the environment, we prioritize getting more information so that we can make the right decision.  Our eyes and head shift around.  Our vigilance increases.  We might get a bit more restless as energy moves into our limbs (to prepare us to really fight or flee).  We start to maybe get a tiny bit less cooperative- a little difficult to get along with, maybe sassy or rude.  If we were a watch dog, we’d lift our head up from where we were napping and start looking around.

As the level of perceive threat increases, we move into alarm.  At this point, we are pretty well into fight/flight and not having a ton of connection to our thinking brain.  In fact, we can no longer use ‘thinking brain strategies’ to calm down.  Our bodies speed up, we aren’t being reasonable, and we are getting full on oppositional.  OF COURSE WE ARE.  When we are afraid, we aren’t super cooperative!!!  Did you know the biggest threat to humans are OTHER HUMANS?!  So- we quickly move from a species that WANTS connection (when we feel safe) to REJECTING connection when we don’t.  If we were a watch dog, we’d be standing with a lot of energy in our legs so we could attack or run away when needed.

The next level of arousal is fear.  Now we are really reactive.  Defiant.  Verbally aggressive.  LOTS of energy in those arms and legs that might be getting tossed around- posturing or threatening movements.  This watch dog is barking and growling and generally being quite scary (but remember…it’s because this watch dog is SCARED).

And finally- terror.  Dangerous behavior comes to the surface- hitting, punching, kicking- because the only priority is staying alive.  This watch dog is attacking.  But again- this is due to FEAR and a desire to live.

Here’s the thing-

There is literally no other reason for a human to be oppositional, defiant, verbally or physically aggressive than fear. 

As the parent, your logical, thinking brain is may be thinking “Uh, there is absolutely NOTHING to be afraid of here.” But, it doesn’t matter if that’s what YOUR thinking brain thinks.  What matters is what your child’s reactive brain is experiencing.

And if the behaviors are aggressive or reactive, the brain is experiencing threat.

If you want to read about how all behaviors make sense in every unfolding moment based on how the brain is taking in information, you can read that article HERE.  Or, maybe you just trust me and don’t care that much about the science 😊  Either way is cool.

If we can use observable behaviors as clues to help identify our child’s level of arousal, we will actually be able to use strategies (not punishments or rewards) to help the child experience safety and then DECREASE their level of arousal.

Regulated, connected kids who feel safe behave well.  When we are in what Dr. Perry calls the ‘calm’ brain, prosocial behaviors that are age- appropriate emerge!  We can tolerate frustration, delay gratification, and understand the impact of our behaviors on others (again, all in developmentally appropriate ways.  A three-year-old’s ability to do this and a 15-year-old’s ability to do this are quite different!!)

There are some things you can look for that help you know if your child is in alert, alarm, fear, or terror brain!  I have put together a downloadable PDF worksheet that will help you see behaviors through the lens of arousal and regulation.  The PDF lists out different behaviors you might see in all four levels of arousal- alert, alarm, fear, and terror.

Here’s a hint about strategies- once your child leaves alert and is in alarm, fear, or terror, coping skills, threats, or attempting to be reasonable will not help at ALL!  We must decrease the arousal and offer felt-safety in order to use cognitive skills or do any form of teaching.

Keep on keepin’ on!  We are changing the world- one precious kid at a time.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? Download my F R E E eBook and video masterclass on  What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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