Juliane Taylor Shore is the founder of IPNB Austin- a therapy practice in Austin, TX. She sees clients and trains other therapists from the foundation of interpersonal neurobiology and relational neuroscience- which is the foundation of this podcast. You can also find Jules at www.ClearIsKind.com where she explores how to work with the brain so you can feel more solid and protected in yourself through boundary work.
As a couples and adult therapist, Juliane talks a lot about boundaries in the context of adult relationships. But I have known for years that the way she works with boundaries has huge implications for the parents I work with.
So often when folks talk about having boundaries, the conversation ends with kinda the nuclear option- if you don’t respect my boundaries, I’m ending this relationship.
But, what about when we have relationships with folks who aren’t respecting our boundaries and we also can’t end the relationship?
If you’ve listened to the first two parts of this three part series on boundaries, then you know that boundaries are not about our attempt to control another person. Instead, boundaries are about how we will respond when the expectations of our relationship aren’t followed. And boundaries for our children are also about creating the containment and structure they need to feel safe in the moment while also providing the safety and regulation they need for continued development.
But what about when what your child says or does is hurtful!?!? Like when they are verbally aggressive?
I brought Jules here specifically to talk about the parenting relationship- where not only can you not create that distance but our kids actually need us to stay close, to keep offering connection, safety, and co-regulation.
(Please also hear so clearly that in this episode we are talking uniquely about the parent child relationship dynamics.
If you are in an adult mutual relationship with someone who struggles to regulate their behavior and it comes out through verbal attacks, lying, manipulation- you can stand solidly in the truth that it’s not true, not about you, and take steps to create the distance you need in that relationship so you can experience the respect, connection, and mutuality you deserve.
Note: This episode is also not addressing physical boundaries. If you are parenting a child who is regularly physically aggressive or dangerous, psychological boundaries are helpful but not enough. I know that if you are parenting a child who is physically aggressive or dangerous you need help. This episode is not about physically dangerous behavior.)
So, Why Boundaries?
Psychological boundaries, where you put a little space between your mind and another person’s mind, empowers you to perceive safety. Although the brain is much more complicated than this, for now, think of it in basically two states: a more integrated state, and a less integrated state.
Integration means all these neural networks are firing, doing their own thing, processing their own stuff, and they’re cross-sharing information with each other. The more that’s happening, the more nuance is available, the more creativity is available, and the more self-soothing is possible. Less integration is preferable when we are actually in danger because who has time for cross-sharing information and nuance when we are focused on survival or not getting physically hurt?
Verbal aggression being hurled at us by our kids can bring up a lot of pain, but it’s not actually dangerous.
Boundaries add internal protection, so you can be a little bit more empowered to increase your perception of safety, regardless of what is happening around you. As you have better and better psychological boundaries, you can feel less hurt by your child’s insults, hard words, or cursing. As you protect yourself, you can actually support your brain in being able to enter a state where more creative and nuanced responses are possible.
True? Or not True? About me? Or not about me?
Asking these questions is just one of the ways Jules’ helps us think about strengthening our psychological boundaries, discerning if we are going to let in someone else’s thoughts, behaviors or words.
And y’all, this is HARD. I really hope you’ll listen to the full episode or read the transcript so you can take in EVERYTHING Jules has to say about boundaries…because it is life-changing.
Listen on the Podcast
This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’
Robyn
Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.
Just let me know where to send the links!