Regulated Does Not Equal Calm {EP 31}


Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

What if I told you that calm isn’t best?  Calm isn’t what we are working toward!  And prioritizing calm gives other states of the nervous system a bad wrap!

Calm is just a byproduct of an attempt to regulate!  In fact, there are risks to focusing on calm as our primary goal.

On today’s episode, I’m thrilled to introduce you to Lisa Dion, LPC, RPT-S, is an international teacher, creator of Synergetic Play Therapy, founder and President of the Synergetic Play Therapy Institute, and host of the Lessons from the Playroom podcast.  She is the author of Aggression in Play Therapy:  A Neurobiological Approach for Integrating Intensity and is the 2015 recipient of the Association for Play Therapy’s Professional Education and Training Award of Excellence.

Regulated Does Not Equal Calm

Regulated and calm are two concepts that are often conflated, but they are not the same thing! Parents can feel incredibly frustrated and disheartened that they aren’t able to remain “calm” in the presence of their children’s really dysregulated nervous systems and big, baffling behaviors. Societal expectations pressure parents to feel as though they should appear calm and in control at all times, but this is simply not how nervous systems work and does a disservice to honoring the importance and value of the other nervous system states!

Incongruence Increases Fear

The idea that calm is the ideal nervous system state can cause parents to bypass their authentic states and emotions in order to appear calm, but this is actually not great for your child’s brain.

As our brains are scanning our environment, in any given moment, we’re scanning for things that we perceive as some kind of a challenge or threat. And one of the things that our brain is looking for is incongruence. So the brain is actively looking for things that don’t make sense, it’s actively looking for when things don’t add up. And one of the biggest types of incongruence is emotional incongruence. So if I am angry, and I’m telling you, I’m not angry, but my body is actually telling you very clearly that I’m angry, this registers as NOT SAFE which then causes behavior to ESCALATE.

What is regulation if not calm?

Lisa Dion defines regulation as: A moment of mindful awareness and connection with myself that allows me to access higher centers of my own brain so that I can feel more poised and grounded in order to make decisions about what to do next.

Regulated and ANGRY?!?!?!

Yes! You can be angry and still connected to yourself. You can be overwhelmed and still be connected to yourself in your overwhelm and in your anxiety and your sadness. You can be connected to yourself in your fear.

This is both AUTHENTIC and CONGRUENT and registers more as safety in your child’s brain than pretending to be calm.

If we don’t work with our own activation first, then how we respond to our children is really often an attempt to get them to stop so that we don’t have to feel that activation, which is not where true connection comes from.

Working with our Own Activation

The entry point to access our own regulation is to allow ourselves to REALLY feel the tender places of anger, fear, sadness…

What We Learn:

We learn that we don’t crumble, when we feel overwhelmed. We learn that our capacity is bigger than what we thought it was. We learn that we are deeply okay even in the midst of a really hard feeling. We learn we can create a sense of safety inside of ourselves when things get really hard.

When We are Congruent, We Reclaim Our Power

If I tell my child how angry or afraid I am, won’t that show them they have power over ME??

When we are highly activated, we are reacting to the child, so by not naming how we feel, we have lost power. When we reconnect with ourselves and become congruent, we regain our power. Our kids actually want us to regain our power and might even push us with their behaviors to do so!

How Can You Help Your Child Achieve Regulation (not calm)?

  • Recognize your own activation and do what you can to connect with yourself. This gives your child a template for how to do this for themselves.
  • Trust that you know more than you think you do. Get curious about what your child needs in order to feel connected to themselves and get creative. Offer their body sensory or movement opportunities while holding in mind the goal of helping them connect to themselves.

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

Download the Free Infographic

/0 Comments/by

Bringing Regulation to Educators with Emily Daniels {EP 106}


Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

Emily Read Daniels, M.Ed., MBA, NCC, SEP™ is the author of The Regulated Classroom©, an approach to cultivating conditions for felt safety in the classroom. She developed this approach after spending years as a school counselor working with dysregulated students and staff. 

In 2014, she founded HERE this NOW, a trauma-responsive schools consultancy and educator resource. HERE this NOW began as a way for her to bring basic trauma-informed information to schools and educators. To help educators apply what they were learning to their classrooms, she designed a new approach that blends tools and strategies with educator self-awareness —The Regulated Classroom. Through this framework, she teaches educators how to co regulate with kids and to make their classrooms safer, more joyful environments.

Emily joined me on the podcast about a year ago to talk about her work with schools. (You find the link to that episode in the show notes for this episode.) So, I was eager to catch up and find out what she’s noticing about how things have changed for classrooms since the last time we spoke.

Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast

What’s happening in schools now?

While protocols around COVID have shifted and some are experiencing improvement in social engagement and a sense of getting back to normal, along with some of that collective trauma of the pandemic settling, more mental health concerns are bubbling to the surface. In addition, the politicization of matters related to schools and education has impacted connection for many. 

Physical Safety vs. a State of Felt-Safety

One of things that makes The Regulated Classroom© so unique is Emily’s focus on the educators themselves. First and foremost, she works with them on understanding the impact of their experiences on their own bodies and their body’s stress response calibration, and teaches them how to co regulate with their students. This helps teachers cultivate conditions for felt-safety in the classroom.

When we think about safety in the classroom, this most often brings to mind the ways in which classrooms are secured to prevent physical harm or litigation of some sort. However, those things are not what helps us actually experience a state of felt-safety, which is a regulated state our bodies experience that enables us to learn, to relate, and to engage with one another. Focusing on felt-safety is about recognizing that we can convey specific cues of safety through relational ways of being and through the environment in the classroom that helps students and teachers feel a part of something, to feel safe with one another, and to feel a sense of belonging.

Offering an Abundance of Cues for Felt-Safety

Based on her study with Dr. Stephen Porges, Emily emphasizes an awareness that the ways in which schools have responded to keep children physically safe from the threat of mass shooting sends the body and nervous system cues of danger.

Some of the ways we secure our schools to keep children physically safe actually remind our bodies that we are not safe, so we have to pair this with many, many cues of safety to offset those cues of danger.

How can we send warmth and welcoming? How can we convey an abundance of cues of safety? This is exactly what her work with schools addresses.

“Befriending the Nervous System”

But first, she teaches educators to recognize their own bodily experiences of safety and danger by helping them get curious and comfortable with their own nervous systems. Deb Dana, a therapist who has incorporated polyvagal theory into clinical training, calls this “befriending the nervous system.”

To hear more about how Emily is changing the way educators heal burnout, create conditions for felt-safety in the classroom, and learn some of the tools and strategies she uses, listen to the podcast or read the full transcript below!

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

 

Robyn

Join the Newsletter

Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

    We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

    /0 Comments/by

    Caring for Our Tender Parts with Ilyse Kennedy {EP 105}


    Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

    I asked Ilyse Kennedy to come on the podcast to talk about her new book, “The Tender Parts.”

    Ilyse Kennedy, LPC, LMFT, PSESP, PMH-C is a psychotherapist and the owner of group therapy practice, Moving Parts Psychotherapy in Austin, TX. In the therapy room, she works with children through adults who have experienced trauma. Outside of the therapy room, she is an author (her book “The Tender Parts” was released November 1st), educator for clinicians, providing training around working with trauma, mental health and social justice advocate on Instagram (and beyond), @Movingpartspsychotherapy. She advocates for intersectional trauma informed care that recognizes the nuances of oppression in how we think about trauma. Outside of the therapy room, she enjoys searching for bugs with her young children, enjoying the Austin music scene, and indulging in the reality television arts when not with her young children. 

    Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast

    What is Internal Family Systems and parts work?

    Internal Family systems (IFS) is a therapy modality that brings us the idea that we all have a multiplicity inside of us (aka parts). We all have a rich inner system that’s made up of many parts. And when we get to know those parts of ourselves, we can understand why they’ve shown up for us. These parts are sort of adaptations that we’ve built over time (often referred to in IFS as managers, firefighters and exiles), typically, to deal with any distress in our life. So it holds the idea that we’re all born with a core self, and along the way, these adaptations form. Ilyse likes to think of it as sort of a shell around the cell to protect us and help us manage distress. And then these parts of us help us to function in our day to day life. 

    It’s a way of life, a way of being with ourselves and others. Once you start thinking about yourself in this way and seeing others as operating from these parts or adaptations to distress, it can change the way you are in relationship with yourself and with others.

    Exploring self-compassion toward our parts

    One of the ways Ilyse shares about how Internal Family Systems can change the way we relate to ourselves is by titrating the intensity and overwhelm that can come with trying to practice self-compassion. 

    It can be really hard to have full self compassion. Instead, we can get to know parts of ourselves, and have compassion in small bits, like learning how these parts have functioned, and how they’ve developed because of our story and interacted with our story. We can then hold compassion just for those small parts. And that can feel so much less daunting than trying to have compassion for the full self.

    How can “parts work” be beneficial for parents?

    Parts work can help us stay connected to ourselves in moments of crisis with our children. When we can stay grounded in self energy while responding to even the most unimaginable behavior, we are less likely to respond from parts of us that might cause shame in our children or ourselves. 

    Illyse explains self energy in this way: “I feel like an energy through the center of my body where I’m able to connect fully with myself and my own parts and fully with the person in front of me and their parts. It’s this sense of safety and connection. And it’s important to say that doesn’t mean that there’s an overall goal of being constantly in self. It’s that we can learn how to have access to our self energy so that we can make space for all of our parts that come forward. We’re always going to have parts coming up. And we’re always going to be coming in and out of parts of ourselves. But we can start to strengthen that sense of self energy so that we can give that to our parts.”

    Parts work helps us build trust in our own systems and those of our children

    To hear more about Internal Family Systems, including the way Ilyse describes manger, firefighter and exiled parts, listen to the podcast or read the full transcript.

    Listen on the Podcast

    This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
    Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
    Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

    Robyn

    Join the Newsletter

    Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

    I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

    Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

      We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

      /0 Comments/by

      Being Adopted with Amy Wilkerson {EP 104}


      Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

      Amy Wilkerson, LCSW, author of Being Adopted,  is a transracial and transnational adoptee from Santiago, Chile and was raised in Milwaukee, WI. She was raised in a Jewish home and has always been curious about how different identities intersect. From an early age she was passionate about social justice and creating spaces of safety. She entered reunión at age 16. While she has advocated in adoption spaces her whole life, she professionally entered the adoption world in 2008. She currently has a private practice working with the adoption triad. She is also a military spouse and a mother.

      Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

      The importance of providing an authentic mirror for little adoptees

      Amy is a strong advocate for creating spaces for adoptees to see themselves represented –spaces where they feel affirmed and seen, having their authentic selves and experiences mirrored–not just in the adoption story of how different families come to exist, but in the reflection of their inner experience, their thoughts and feelings, and all the complexities of being adopted. 

      When kids don’t have these more complex parts of their experience explored, normalized, and met with curiosity, they get silenced and coated in shame. These parts become suffocated because there’s nowhere to let them breathe.

      Allow parts of your child’s spirit to breathe.

      When we talk to adopted children, we need to make sure we’re not just focusing on the parts that feel safe to us, or that feel safe to our families. We have to be so brave to be able to be super curious about all the parts that might be triggering. That might be difficult. That might be hurtful. That might be scary. All parts need to know that they’re affirmed, they’re heard, and they’re seen. Because if we don’t allow those parts to breathe, we’re literally suffocating part of that child’s spirit.

      “Fixing it” isn’t the intervention

      We often want to jump to fixing those difficult, scary or hurting parts of our children, and we forget the power of attunement and validation. It’s ok to not know what to do.

      Don’t underestimate the power of just pausing and telling your child in a very honest way, “I have no idea what this is like for you. And I have no idea what this must feel like. But I refuse to abandon you in this experience. And I refuse to abandon you in this discomfort.”   It’s important for parents to become comfortable with being honest that you don’t have the answers. And that you don’t know. Your child will know whether or not you are being authentic!

      How to reconcile when child hasn’t had mirroring from their community

      • Help your child access the community of adoptee voices, mentors and guides through books, such as Being Adopted by Amy Wilkerson, LCSW
      • Identify racial mirrors in the community
      • Help your child learn a language or have access to their ethnic foods
      • As a caregiver, become educated about the racial complexities and experiences that may be impacting your child’s inner world

      Listen on the Podcast

      This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
      Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
      Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

      Robyn

      Join the Newsletter

      Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

      I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

      Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

        We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

        /0 Comments/by

        How to be a Cycle Breaker with Mindi Kessler {EP 103}


        Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

        Mindi Kessler is the author of the book, Cycle Breaker: A Guide To Transcending Childhood Trauma. This book tells her story of overcoming devastating childhood abuse and imparts wisdom to inspire you to create a life you love if you also grew up feeling unsafe and unworthy. Her mission in life is to guide traumatized people through their cycle breaker journey.

        Keep reading or listen on the podcast

        Articulating Pain

        One of the gifts of sharing her story of trauma, healing and transformation is that Mindi can articulate for parents of kids with trauma some of the things their children may be experiencing but cannot articulate. But she also gives voice to the journey of using your experiences with parenting challenges to inspire your own healing and transformation.

        Becoming a Cycle Breaker

        When we start to investigate our own reactions to our children’s behaviors, we can start to get clear on exactly how we are getting triggered by our kids and begin to identify how that is a trauma reenactment. 

        What exactly is a trauma reenactment? 

        Mindi explains, “Anytime we have a wound that’s unhealed, we are going to be driven to resolve that wound. And one way that transpires is that we engage in interactions with people that are very similar to the interactions we had when we were victimized. And so as adults, then we can be in both roles where we are being the one re victimized. So if we had a parent who was abusive physically, then we might have a child, for example, who gets physically aggressive. Or we might be the one to get physically aggressive to our child. And so we can find ourselves in either role of the victim or the aggressor. And when that’s happening, it’s important to do a deep dive to see what is being replicated. What is this reminding me of childhood? And that’s the point of intervention, which often needs to be done in the presence of a trauma practitioner who can really help because it’s a very complex process.”

        But wait…maybe you didn’t have an obviously traumatic childhood?? Mindi expresses how often our own experiences of trauma were not recognized or minimized as children, so it is sometimes difficult to acknowledge or face the pain of not feeling safe or not feeling worthy in childhood…which are core experiences of trauma.

        Looking at these unhealed wounds in ourselves is grueling work, but so worth it.

        The magical thing is that as we heal what’s going on inside us, we see big changes in our external world. As WE heal, it’s causing a contagious healing effect to those around us, including our children.

        Ways to Start Your Healing Journey

        Listen on the Podcast

        This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
        Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
        Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

        Robyn

        Join the Newsletter

        Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

        I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

        Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

          We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

          CLICK THE LINK BELOW FOR THE FULL TRANSCRIPT!

          How to be a Cycle Breaker_TRANSCRIPT

          /0 Comments/by

          Telling the Truth To Adopted Kids-Even When It’s Hard {EP 102}


          Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

          How do we talk about the hard stuff with adopted kids?  I turned to adoptee and therapist, Marcella Moslow for help!

          Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

          Marcella Moslow is a transracial and transnational adoptee and therapist. She was Born in Bogota Colombia and adopted to Buffalo NY. She began my work in the mental health field working with children and adolescents in the public school system, as well as working with refugee and immigrant families in the city of Buffalo. Additionally, she worked in a clinical outpatient mental health setting working with Spanish and English speaking individuals of all ages and families with a range of needs. She is a certified trauma therapist and registered play therapist, specializing in the areas of attachment, international and domestic adoption, foster care, neurobiology, dissociation through the lifespan and complex trauma. She is also trained in Progressive Counting, brainspotting, IFS/ego states/parts work, Theraplay, nurture and Play, safe and sound protocol. She started her own private practice about two and a half years ago where she offers clinical services, and  she also is a consultant and trainer for adoptive parents, schools, agencies and professionals working with those impacted by trauma. 

          Marcella and I talk about telling the hard truths in adoption. Because of both her expertise and personal experience, she is able to translate difficult topics for parents from the perspective of the adoptee, and has great wisdom about how parents can help to hold space for the hardest truths.

          Why is it important to give our kids honest, accurate information?

          When you give kids age appropriate, developmentally appropriate information, it helps to give them a narrative and language for what has already been living in parts of their systems, their neurobiology, and their bodies.

          How can parents navigate the hard feelings of first families?

          Of course, adoptive parents want to protect their children, and that is incredibly valid – your hard feelings about your child’s history is valid. It’s important that for your child to be able to integrate their narrative that you begin to understand the neurobiology of behavior even for the first family so that you can have compassion for these parts of your child’s story and the people who are a part of your child.

          The core challenge of adoptive parents

          Marcella shares that one of the most impactful and healing conversations she had as an adoptee was the acknowledgement of harm caused by the adoption, and the recognition that it would not have been her choice. When parents are able to hold space for both their child’s experience of adoption as well as their own, it is a game changer.

          To hear more of the wisdom Marcella shares in this episode, head over to listen to the podcast or read the transcript.

          Listen on the Podcast

          This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
          Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
          Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

          Robyn

          Join the Newsletter

          Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

          I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

          Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

            We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

            /0 Comments/by

            Influence Behaviors, Not Control {EP 101}


            Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

            One of the trickier parts of the work I do is talking so much with parents about attachment, their role in co-regulation, and felt-safety, without snagging into parent’s shame about every parent’s deepest worry- that their child’s baffling behaviors are all their fault.

            Keep reading or listen on the podcast

            Influence is not the same as control

            Obviously parents and caregivers have a tremendous opportunity- and yes responsibility! – to influence their child’s behaviors.  Both positively and negatively!

            And that’s because parents and caregivers can offer co-regulation, connection, and they can make offerings of safety.

            But we aren’t in control of what our kids receive.

            We can influence but not control.

            We influence by investing in our own nervous system healing

            I do think parents have a lot of responsibility to work fiercely on their own regulation, their own state of mind with regard to connection, and their own sense of safety in their nervous system.

            I include myself in this!

            I also trust that everyone’s nervous system heals at exactly the right pace- for them.  I’m not in control of that.  I don’t even get to have an opinion about that.

            That includes parents and kids.

            That includes mine.

            Sometimes I shake my fists and wail a lament that my nervous system isn’t healing faster.

            Responsibility does not equal blame.

            I’m not in control of someone else’s experience of safety.

            It is my responsibility in our relationship to do the work I need to do to show up in a way that I offer safety, connection, and coregulation.

            Some aspects of our own regulation will have impacted the development of our childrens’ nervous system in a way that isn’t ideal.

            We can take responsibility without falling into shame and blame.

            Responsibility might evoke some guilt but that’s OK because guilt is an important human emotion given that we are a relational  species–it keeps us working on self and the relationship.  

            How do we acknowledge influence without falling into shame and blame?

            How can I be OK with influence but not control?

            And how can I be honest about my influence without falling into blame or shame?

            Y’all won’t be surprised to hear me say self compassion and grief.

            How do we establish enough safety and resilience in our own nervous system that we can offer and receive our offerings of self compassion, as well as to truly hang out in the grief?

            Find people who offer you self compassion, presence, and connection.  Find people who will be with YOU with nonjudgmental agendaless presence. 

            Listen on the Podcast

            This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
            Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
            Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

            Robyn

            Join the Newsletter

            Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

            I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

            Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

              We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

              /0 Comments/by

              What Does it Mean to Be With? {EP 100}


              Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

              We talk about ‘being with’ our kids and each other and our clients.

              But what does it mean to be with?

              And why is it important?

              The definition of Being With from Circle of Security Intervention

              Being-With, a deceptively simple term, represents a profound need that, when answered, paves the way for a lifetime of satisfying relationships, for mastery of a raft of developmental tasks and adult competencies, for trust and self-regulation and even physical health.

              It is by Being-With the child that the parent provides responsive caregiving and has the greatest hope of meeting the child’s needs. And it is by Being-With the parents that the therapist is able to elicit change.

              Link to the COS Being With video.

              If I turn to IPNB, I look at the concept of resonance.  The process whereby two separate parts become one- impacting each other, becoming something new together without losing the individual separateness.

              Like an orchestra.

              A family.

              What is required to Be With

              • Strong energetic boundaries
              • Internalized co-regulation 
              • Compassion and curiosity
              • Owl brain!

              All of these let you join someone’s dysregulation without being engulfed by it.

              Sometimes Being With has words.

              Sometimes it doesn’t have words at all.

              Being With relieves us from the compulsion to fix a situation that isn’t fixable.  

              Why Does it Matter

              Being With changes the brain. It creates the experience that the brain needs to unlock a neural network and reorganize around regulation and healing.

              What about the Tools?

              The tools help calm our watchdog and possum brain and give us a sense of “I know what to do…I’m not alone and helpless.”

              When my owl brain is stronger, I can be with.  So the tools help us be better at being with.

              Eventually, the tools become amplified and that much more powerful when they are offered inside the experience of being with.

              The tools – like scripts for when our kid is manipulative or practical strategies to help the child who can’t handle no– give us the confidence to trust that we can be with.  Then the Being With actually becomes the most powerful tool.  They work together in harmony, one needing the other.

              Listen on the Podcast

              This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
              Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
              Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

              Robyn

              Join the Newsletter

              Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

              I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

              Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

                We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

                /0 Comments/by

                Loving Someone with Baffling Behaviors {EP 99}


                Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

                Today I’m bringing to you a solo-episode about what it’s been like to love someone and be in a committed relationship with someone who has big, baffling behaviors.

                Last week, I introduced you to my husband Ed and he described his experience with chronic Lyme disease, nervous system dysregulation, and yes- big, baffling behaviors. Those of us who love people with big, baffling behaviors have our own unique and oftentimes traumatic journey. I know my journey is very different than yours, but I hope that there’s a moment or two in this episode where you feel seen and less alone.

                Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast

                Understanding the Neurobiology of Behavior Saved My Family

                In the midst of the chaos, toxic stress and trauma of my husband’s illness, I realized that understanding behavior helped me manage this very baffling experience. And this both anchored me and reinforced my passion and commitment to the core beliefs and sacred truths I hold as a result of leaning into the understanding of relational neuroscience: 

                • All behavior makes sense
                • All true selves are loveable

                Loneliness

                The loneliness in being a caregiver for and loving someone with big, baffling behaviors is devastating. I share how I experienced this loneliness in the hopes that my resonance and reflection of your own loneliness will help you feel a little less alone. 

                To be on a journey with someone with nervous system vulnerability in a time when the medical community, many other professionals, and even family don’t get it, is intensely lonely. 

                To hear more about how my family’s experience might be relatable to your own, listen to the podcast or read the transcript.

                Thank you for offering my family the felt safety to record these episodes for you.

                Listen on the Podcast

                This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
                Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
                Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

                Robyn

                Join the Newsletter

                Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

                I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

                Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

                  We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

                  /3 Comments/by

                  Neuroimmune from the Inside Out {EP 98}


                  Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

                  I invited an adult with a neuroimmune disorder onto the podcast to discuss his experience and provide listeners with some insight on what children with PANS/PANDAS and other neuroimmune conditions may not have the words to describe. This special guest happens to be my husband, Ed. This episode is part 2 in a 3 part series. Next week, you’ll hear me discuss my experience as a caregiver.

                  I couldn’t possibly capture the vulnerability and intimacy of this conversation in a short summary. This is an episode you are going to want to listen to for the full impact. 

                  Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast

                  Acute Onset is Difficult to Define

                  Ed and I discussed this criteria for diagnosis that often is difficult to pinpoint, and is often not clear cut for families struggling with neuroimmune issues to define or recognize, especially when there are so many other factors they are managing. We looked at how some clues about his immune response have been there from the beginning.

                  Giving Voice to Baffling Behaviors

                  Not only does Ed give voice to the internal turmoil of living with a neuroimmune disorder, he makes the experience come alive for us as he uses metaphor to describe his lived experience.

                  He shares: 

                  “It’s my wild horses all the time. Even when I’m presenting completely normally for the outside world, I am constantly managing these horses. They’re not even a team–they’re wild horses with ropes around their neck, and I’ve got 15 of them in my hands and I’m constantly trying to hold those back from just dragging me through the mud. And sometimes I lose control of them, and that’s really what it feels like in those moments. So I guess I never really thought about that right? Looking at a kid and even when they’re doing well, they’re probably trying their best inside to keep their horses from dragging them through the mud.”

                  He also shares his response to caregivers’ desperation to reach their child while struggling to find them in the midst of an immune flare or baffling behavior:

                  “I was jumping up and down inside myself screaming, I’m right here. Can’t you see me? Can’t you hear me? I’m right here, please help me, please help me out. I was sitting in eye of the hurricane, and everything was calm, and everything was spinning around me. Every time I’d reach out to do something, my hand would get hit by one of the malfunctions that my body was giving me. Whether it was memory, whether it was speech, whether it was anxiety, panic attacks, any of that stuff, every time I tried to get out and find a way to be normal and be me, I just I couldn’t, I couldn’t. And it didn’t matter how hard I tried. It didn’t matter how hard I asked for help. I just couldn’t find my way out of the woods. I needed someone to come in and take my hand and lead me out”. 

                  What Really Helps

                  I asked Ed what kinds of responses help when he’s stuck in the metaphorical woods, and he shares honestly about the ways that are helpful for caregivers to show up and the ways that aren’t. You’ll have to listen to hear him give me a grade on how well I do at this!

                  The Dysregulation – Shame Cycle

                  It’s impossible to experience this intensity of dysregulation and not have it be coupled with shame. Ed and I discuss this cycle in our own family, offering compassion to the very human relational experience of dysregulation, shame, rupture and repair. 

                  To hear more of the powerful, poetic, and insightful words Ed shares to help caregivers understand this experience, listen to the podcast or read the full transcript below.

                  Listen on the Podcast

                  This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
                  Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
                  Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

                  Robyn

                  Join the Newsletter

                  Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

                  I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

                  Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

                    We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

                    /2 Comments/by

                    Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

                    I’ll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

                    Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior 

                      Copyright © 2025 Robyn Gobbel. All rights reserved. Site by CurlyHost.