There’s a lot of confusion about what co-regulation really is. Parents often say to me something like “OK, I get it- I’m supposed to give co-regulation instead of a consequence. But- what does that really mean? Like- what does co-regulation actually look like in real life?”
What Is Regulation
Before we really define co-regulation, let’s define regulation. Regulation is about balance. The thermostat in my house regulates the temperature, right? The thermostat keeps track of the temperature- it monitors it. When the temperature reaches a certain data-point, it tells the air conditioner or the heat to kick on so that the temperature will change back to the desired set point.
The thermostat monitors the temperature and then works together with the heating or air conditioning to change the temperature when needed.
Regulation of Energy and Activation
When I talk about regulation, I’m talking about the regulation of the energy and arousal in our autonomic nervous system.
Our autonomic nervous system has an accelerator and a brake. Regulation simply means that the accelerator and brake of our autonomic nervous system is in balance and that there is an ability to both monitor that energy and arousal and change it, if needed.
Autonomic Regulation
A lot of our body’s regulation is autonomic. It happens without us thinking about it. When I’m exercising, my autonomic nervous system notices that I need more energy so it increases my heart rate, respiration, and probably a million other things that help me fuel a workout but I don’t really know about because I’m a social worker not an exercise scientist.
Usually when the people that I know are talking about regulation, they are talking about how the autonomic nervous system fuels the energy and arousal that is underneath emotional expression.
How Regulation Develops
A lot of the autonomic nervous system develops in utero and continues to get strengthened and refined in infancy.
Think of it this way. Healthy full term infants have a lot of ability to regulate their heart rate right? But they are still developing regulation of their body temperature (we have to help by bundling them up for a while!) and they are definitely still developing emotion regulation, right? Babies are great at crying- not so great at soothing.
Regulation is developed through Co-Regulation
A regulated adult offers soothing to an infant because infants are still developing regulation. That doesn’t mean the infant is still developing a calm level of arousal right? Infants can be calm. What they struggle with is moving back and forth between activation and rest.
When an infant is expressing activation by crying, they need a caregiver to soothe them.
That’s co-regulation.
Two people coming together. One is regulated.
Breaking it Down Even Further
I think to understand co-regulation it’s helpful to get even more granular about the co-regulation that occurs between a caregiver and an infant.
There’s two people.
The baby experiences some activation in their nervous system and can’t modify that activation- meaning they can’t bring it down- without help.
To help soothe the infant, the caregiver doesn’t just stay calm.
The first thing that happens with the caregiver is that they experience enough activation in their own nervous system that allows them to match the baby.
There’s a little burst of “OH! The baby is crying!”
For a brief moment, the baby and the caregiver are in sync with their level of activation.
The caregiver then regulates their own activation because if you’ve ever tried to calm down a crying baby while you are super activated, you know it definitely does not work.
The caregiver brings their activation down so that they can energetically lend their de-activation to the baby.
The caregiver is actually able to do both. They are able to stay slightly activated in a way that matches and resonates with the baby, while also offering soothing. The caregiver can keep a foot in both places. The place of “I feel you I’m here with you in this activated place” and a foot in the place of “I can soothe myself and soothe you, too.”
The Dance of Co-Regulation
If you’ve ever soothed a baby, you know that this process is not a straight line. Caregivers don’t pick up their crying baby and then the baby soothes and it’s over.
Nope. There’s a little dance involved!
Meaning- the caregiver responds to the baby. The baby responds to the caregiver. And then the caregiver responds to that. Then the baby responds, and the caregiver responds to that.
There’s a mostly unconscious dance that is sometimes in sync and sometimes not. But the key here is there is what’s called mutual influence. The caregiver responds to the baby. The baby responds to the caregiver. The next move can’t be predetermined because it’s based on what’s going to happen next- and that’s unknown until it happens.
That’s co-regulation. The continued presence and attunement of the dance.
The Ingredients of Co-Regulation
We’ve already established that there are two people involved in co-regulation and one is more regulated than the other.
But what else?
Physical Proximity
You can’t co-regulate a baby from another floor of the house. Or even another room. There is physical proximity and the closer you get to the baby the easier it is to offer co-regulation.
Attunement
The caregiver allows the baby’s emotional distress to resonate in their own body and responds to that.
Matching the Energy
In co-regulation, baby’s energy is first matched but by a regulated caregiver.
Sure, sometimes caregivers end up joining the baby’s dysregulated state instead of the other way around. Because we can co-dysregulate as well as co-regulate. But when all is going well, the caregiver can match the baby’s energy while remaining regulated.
Remember regulated doesn’t exactly mean calm. It means that the caregiver has the ability to stay in balance. Regulated people are connected to themselves without getting flooded by someone else’s energy. They are mindfully aware and present.
They aren’t necessarily calm or happy or anything like that.
What about older kids?
How do we co-regulate older kids? Or even our partners?
Well, first there’s some proximity. For kids who have developmentally delayed self-regulation, they need more proximity to the regulated caregiver. We can’t co-regulate a baby from another floor of the house and if your teen is delayed in the development of self-regulation, you can’t co-regulate them from afar either.
The first thing I look for in kids with dysregulated behaviors is how far are they from regulated adults and for how often? Where are they sitting in the classroom? Are the behavior problems happening at recess when there is no regulated adult in proximity. Or lunch time? Or on the bus?
Then of course if we’re going to decrease the distance to an adult or caregiver, that adult or caregiver has to be mostly regulated themselves.
To offer co-regulation, the adult’s nervous system is experiencing felt-safety and able to resonate with the child’s intensity without getting flooded by it.
Then the adult matches the child’s intensity and activation- while also maintaining a connection to their own grounded and present self.
Then the adult participates in the dance. This is where I can’t tell you what to do because I have no idea what the next step in the dance is. What I can teach you is how to grow in your regulated, mindful presence with yourself so that you can stay very present and attuned during that dance.
And you won’t give up the dance when there is a misstep. You’ll just keep going.
Real Life Now
OK enough metaphor.
Here’s a story of co-regulation.
It’s time to leave somewhere your kid doesn’t want to leave.
Your kid expresses their distress. Maybe they ignore you or run off or scream “No, I’m not going!” Maybe they just start to cry, hard. Or throw the shovel they were digging with at you. There’s an infinite number of ways kids express their distress.
You resonate with the distress first without trying to change it!
“OH! You do NOT want to go! It seems like are so mad (or sad) that it’s time to go. It’s so hard when the fun times are over.”
If you’re real lucky, your child will immediately sync up with the dance and agree.
“Yes! I don’t want to go! I was having fun!”
Now you’re in sync and you can continue the dance of matching and attunement. What will almost certainly happen is that the child’s level of activation will slowly start to lower.
You’ll stay present and attuned and notice when you and your child are connected enough that you can now focus back on the problem- it’s time to leave.
“It’s so hard to leave. It is time to go home. I’ll be disappointed with you while you say goodbye to your friends and we get into the car. I have a drink all ready for you in there- I knew you’d be thirsty after all this playing!”
I know I know. Your kid doesn’t fall into that co-regulated dance quite so easily. You might have to spend a lot more time matching their energy before they sync up. Kids with vulnerable nervous systems, and especially kids with disorganization in their attachment history, sometimes give very confusing cues.
Sometimes we can even feel like our kid doesn’t want to be regulated- like they are staying dysregulated on purpose.
I get that. If that’s your kid, check out the Attachment Series. The whole series will be helpful but perhaps the section on disorganized attachment will be most helpful.
Kids with insecure attachment are hoping for co-regulation but expecting more dysregulation. This conflict between their hope and expectation can cause some really confusing behaviors so it’s helpful to understand those behaviors as well stay confident that the nervous system always wants to move toward regulation. Even your child’s. Promise.
Co-Regulation Doesn’t Have to Involve Words
In fact, the more dysregulated your child is, the fewer the words you want to use.
Have you ever tried to connect with an angry child who screams at you to shut up?
Maybe you’re wondering- what am I supposed to do? I’m supposed to connect and co-regulate with this person! How can you attune and match the energy if you can’t use words??
I promise you- you can attune and match the energy without using any words. You can sit still, with energy in your body that is present, matched, and regulated, and not say anything.
When my own son goes over a dysregulation tipping point, I know I can’t say anything. Period. I want to because sometimes he says things that are simply untrue and I feel defensive. But words are pointless. Unless the words sound like “would you like a drink or a snack?”
Matching the energy doesn’t have to have words or gestures or actions. We hold energy in our bodies. Match the energy and then maybe offer a gesture of connection and co-regulation- like a drink or a snack.
Passive Vs. Active Co-Regulation
So far, I’ve described active co-regulation. The regulated adult is doing something to offer co-regulation to the dysregulated other.
Co-Regulation can feel a lot like doing, but it’s really so much more about being, right?
Most co-regulation doesn’t involve doing at all. It’s the kind of co-regulation that is happening constantly between two people without us evening thinking about it.
Like a heartbeat. It’s just always happening.
When my son is doing homework at the kitchen bar but I’m not actively involved, in fact I might not really be paying attention to him at all, co-regulation is still happening. In fact, he is much more successful at staying on task and having frustration tolerance when he does homework in proximity of me or my husband- even though we rarely have to actively co-regulate him anymore.
Passive co-regulation is why our kids tend to behave better when we are nearby. It can feel like our kids only behave well when we are supervising them or the risk of consequence is higher because we are watching.
It’s really about the passive co-regulation that’s happening due to proximity. The passive co-regulation allows our children’s owl brain to stay more engaged, which is where cause and effect thinking, frustration tolerance, and cooperation all live.
I have a whole other podcast/blog all about how easy it is to label our kids unable to be trusted when we aren’t directly supervising but really what’s happening is that our kids need our passive co-regulation in order to stay regulated and connected to their owl brain. You can check out that podcast HERE.
Co-Regulation is Hard to Describe with Words
There’s only so much we can do in a blog or podcast to describe co-regulation. Co-regulation is a little easier to understand if we can observe it (if you’re a Club member, I’m creating a ‘bank’ of co-regulation videos so you can see co-regulation in action).
Co-regulation is best understood when you can feel it, experience it, and embody it. Both the giving and the receiving of co-regulation. It’s one of the primary tenets of The Club. I wanted to create a space where the caregivers could both give and receive the co-regulation that they want to give their kids. The Club also supports parents while they practice (and mess up!!!) co-regulation with their kids. It’s so hard and really calls for a lot of tenacity and persistence to keep trying.
Learning about something like co-regulation in a podcast can help demystify it enough that it feels safe to practice it.
Let me know in the comments if co-regulation feels a little more clear now!
Robyn
Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.
Just let me know where to send the links!
