Q&A: What do I do when my child flops and acts exhausted by the simplest request? {EP 68}

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Anonymous Caller: Every time my daughter gets told to do her chores, she flops down and acts like she's exhausted. What do I do?

Robyn: First of all, thank you so much to this parent who bravely called in and asked this question so succinctly, but also, so respectfully of your child. This question gave me the perfect amount of information for me to be able to start brainstorming this question without giving away too many private details about their child. So perfect, thank you. Second of all, I know there are a lot of parents just nodding along right now. In fact, my kid used to do this flop, too. So let's talk about how you can support your child in the moment first, and then pull back up and see if there are other things that can be done even before the request to do chores, and the flop, even happens. Of course, there are a couple different ways you could respond to the flop. Depending on your daughter's age, and where the flop, that flop down, energy is coming from and her nervous system. So one option could be to really mirror your daughter. If it's time to do chores, and she flops down, you can pause. Take a breath. Then slump your shoulders and say in an exhausted voice, ‘I know chores can feel like so much work’. Depending on how you're reading the situation, you could actually even be sillier or maybe even like dramatic. You could flop down all the way on the floor and like swoon about how much work chores are. You have to be really careful here, because this playful approach can easily come across as like very misattuned and like you're making fun. So you really have to just pay attention to how is your daughter in the moment? What's the history of y’all’s relationship? Does she respond well to this sort of playfulness? Playfulness, like I said, can easily come across as misattuned. But it also can be like a really quick path towards connection. 

Robyn: So you kind of just have to experiment and take what you know about your child and your relationship. Ultimately, the goal really is to mirror and reflect your daughter's feelings, you know, have her feel really seen. So once your connection is restored, you can take a couple different paths. You can offer help, if that's appropriate. You can commiserate with something like while you're cleaning your bedroom, I'll be working on the kitchen. It's definitely no fun. I don't really want to do chores either. When we're done, we can chill for the rest of the weekend. You can negotiate on when the chore gets done, if that works in your family. For some families, negotiation can just cause more stress and anxiety. So, again, this is kinda, you know, take what you know about your child and your family. Take some of these ideas and see like what do you think might actually work? 

Robyn: Ultimately, it's actually really, really important for our kids to know that their feelings are all always okay. That definitely doesn't mean behavior is always okay. But feelings are all always okay. And for sure, I'm not super excited about doing chores either. I don't expect my kid to joyfully jump up and do his chores with a big smile and a ‘hip hip, hooray’. Right? He's absolutely allowed to grumble and complain and express his frustration and have any ill feeling he wants about doing chores. He just has to actually still do them. 

Robyn: Usually when I hear about flopping kids, I think about the possum brain. If this is new language for you, I have a podcast and a blog article about the possum brain, you can go check that out at RobynGobbel.com/PossumBrain. That floppy collapsed body is likely communicating something like ‘I'm overwhelmed and I need help’. And then your grown up, adult brain might be saying something to you. That sounds a little bit like ‘Oh, good grief. This chore is so simple. If you just get on it, you'd be done by now’, right? And that's fair enough, right? That's not necessarily inaccurate. There are so many times we watch our kids, and frankly other adults, in our life as well complain about doing something longer than if they would just do it. I mean, this is- a normal human behavior, and it's normal to feel frustrated by it. But the truth is, is that the body doesn't lie. Whether this task or this chore seems overwhelming to you or not, or whether even, if your child has done the chore in the past without any difficulty. In this moment, your daughter's body is saying ‘this is too much’. Kids see their owl brain to know that they can do hard things and be okay. That owl brain has frustration tolerance, and it can delay gratification. Right? Then there's three ways to reconnect to the owl brain. Depending on your child, and depending on how far away their owl brain has flown. One way is to help regulate their body with movement, or maybe a drink or a snack. And then once your child's regulated again, you revisit the request. Now you know that the request was overwhelming. And so you can offer ways to kind of combat that overwhelm, right? So when you, when you say, again, ‘alright, now it's time to get on those chores’, you can add in something like, and ‘I'll help’. Or you can break down the task into increments, like, ‘I'll set a timer and we'll work for five minutes. And then we'll take a break for five minutes. And then we'll work for five minutes and take a break for five minutes until it's done’. Or you could offer something that helps break the task down like, hey, let's pick up all the red things first. 

Robyn: So movement, or drinks or snacks, like using the body, that's one way. And then once they're re-regulated, again, use what you know, oh, it was overwhelming to try to combat that. You can also help bring the owl brain back with some connection. Which is what I've really already described, right? Like, empathy, allowing their feelings to be real without necessarily changing the expectation, and offering to help. I think it's really common as parents for this feeling to arise, which is like, if I let my child complain about this, they'll complain about everything forever, or they'll never learn how to just get the things done in life that they have to get done. Or if I acknowledge that their feelings are valid, it's like, my next step is that I have to say, so you don't have to do it. So just kind of listen to all those things again, and ask yourself, are any of those things actually true? And the reality is, is that when somebody meets our feelings with attunement, without minimizing them, the circuits in our brain that grow frustration tolerance will grow. Right. And so the thing we're worried about, you know, that our child will never be able to tolerate frustration or doing something hard without complaining about it, it's actually the exact opposite that's going to happen if we can hold a boundary, but offer a lot of empathy, and connection, and co-regulation. And the other thing that I find people can feel afraid of is if I acknowledge, like, ‘Yeah, nobody wants to do this chore’, my next statement has to be ‘so you don't have to’. And those two things aren't true, right? Like, we can say, ‘nobody wants to do this chore, you're right, this chore is a real bummer. And we still have to do it’, right? Like I can agree with my child that this is hard, and they don't want to, and still keep the expectation that they still have to do it. 

Robyn: Okay, so we talked about regulating through the body, and then we talked about regulating through connection. And the third way, then, that we can help our kids, you know, tolerate frustration, do things they don't really want to is if the owl brain isn't too far away. So if your child is not that dysregulated, sometimes the flop’s quite dramatic, but it's not actually that dysregulated, right? You have to like kind of lean in and- and figure out what's really happening here. You can then try to tap into the owl brain with facts and logic. Something like ‘well- well kiddo, usually the short only takes you about 10 minutes, you know, that's shorter than it takes even get to school. It seems long, but actually, it'll be over pretty quickly. Right?’ So that's a very logical, facts based response. Now, if the owl brain is pretty far away, and your kids pretty dysregulated, that's not going to be helpful. But sometimes the owl brain is only just kind of far away, right? It's still like peeking, or looking, or taking in more information. And we can still use owl brain facts and logic to help our kid feel more regulated. 

Robyn: And then, you know, depending on your child's temperament, you may even like set a timer for 10 minutes and see if they can beat that time. Right? So really using logic and facts to talk about how, like, it feels like it takes forever, but it actually doesn't take that long, right? That could be helpful. You know, y'all, for some kids, and grownups too, for sure. Anything that could feel like a demand, anything that feels even the slightest bit hard, can be overwhelming and can really invite that possum brain to take charge. So look for opportunities to exercise frustration tolerance, and even narrate out loud how you handle doing hard things, right? So not in the moment, right? Like this is not a tactic for like in the middle of a flop. But at other times, look for opportunities to grow frustration tolerance, and talk about your own process with frustration tolerance. So for example, next time you're about to do a chore that you don't really want to do, externally process it, like maybe something like this. “UGH! My least favorite part about dinner is doing the dishes after. It always feels like this huge, messy task that's gonna take me forever. Sometimes it makes me feel like is making dinner even worth it? Wow!’ I mean, that thought right there like is making dinner even worth it just lets me know how overwhelming doing the dishes feels to me. 

Robyn: Then, externally process- externally process what things you do to get through it. So something like ‘even though it feels like a huge task, I'll be done in less than 10 minutes’. Or ‘I do not want to do the dishes. But I think I'll put on a podcast, or an audiobook, or even a Netflix show that I like’. And as a side note, I do watch Netflix shows while I'm doing the dishes. There's a shelf like right at eye level next to our sink, and I just pop up my phone and I can pop on a short Netflix show while I'm doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. The most important part is to stay really, really curious. And see if you can feel into what's really underneath your daughter's flop. Maybe it's not even overwhelm. Maybe it's that she has a hard time putting off the fun thing she wants to do instead. Maybe she has a hard time with a feeling of disappointment. Maybe she has a hard time sequencing tasks, making a plan, and then executing that plan. Each of those challenges will need a little bit different kind of support. And of course, it's totally normal for you to feel frustrated by this behavior. Take a breath. And if you can offer your child a way to regulate and connect 

Robyn: To the parent who sent me this question, thank you for leaving your voicemail and being the first Friday Q&A. I'll be continuing this special Q&A series throughout February. So head over to RobynGobbel.com/podcasts and look for the box that says send me a question. It's super easy. You just click on- click on the button. You start recording right there and your voice question will get sent to me right from my website. Remember not to leave your name or your child's name. Give me just enough information to answer your question. Again, head over to RobynGobbel.com/podcast and look for the box that says send me a question. Alright y'all, this has been super fun. I can't wait till next week.