Is Co-Regulation Just Coddling? {EP 192}

Robyn: Now we talk a lot about three important things on this show, but also, in my book, Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, we're always talking about regulation, connection and felt safety. I have a lot of previous episodes about co-regulation. I once specifically called is, what does co-regulation really look like, or something, it's called something like that. So if you're new and the idea of co-regulation and regulation is new to you, you might want to hit pause and go back and check out that previous episode. I'll make sure the link gets into the show notes. Almost every single time that I teach, but especially if it's an audience where there are a lot of folks in the audience who are not already familiar, either with my work or the concept of co-regulation in general, someone, at some point, raises their hand and asks the very valid question that sounds omething like, isn't this co-regulation thing just coddling? Isn't it reinforcing bad behavior, but really, there's this underlying thought of, isn't it just coddling? So that's what we're really going to dive into and explore today, there are a lot of underlying assumptions in the question isn't co-regulation just coddling. So I made a list of what I think some of those underlying assumptions are. I'm sure this list is not, you know, complete, but here are the things that came to mind off the top of my head.    

Robyn: One underlying assumption and question of isn't co-regulation just coddling, is that there's this very important Western culture value of toughing it out and that the only way to develop the skill of frustration tolerance or dealing with hard things, or, you know, toughing and toughing up is to have your emotional needs ignored. So often, when I get this question about, like, isn't this just coddling? I've just shown a clip of a child who's very dysregulated, and that child is getting co-regulation, meaning the parent is actively or passively providing support and soothing the child, as opposed to doing something to get the child to stop being so dysregulated. Right? The intention of co-regulation isn't to get the dysregulation to stop necessarily, right? The intention is to have that dysregulation be met, you know, to offer up presence and to do things, to help that person feel safe, and ultimately the dysregulation stops. Because, ultimately, dysregulation always stops. But that's not the goal, right? So the question isn't this just coddling? You know, one of those underlying assumptions is the only way to develop the skill to manage emotional dysregulation without becoming so overtly dysregulated, is to have those emotional needs ignored. And I think another underlying assumption is that tending to emotional needs is weak. You know, there's a fear that co-regulation that tending to these emotional needs will increase the child's neediness, which then, of course, must mean that there's some sort of belief that the only way to become independent is through pain and loneliness, right? Like, if we are present with the emotional pain, with the dysregulation, we're going to increase neediness.    

Robyn: We become independent through pain and loneliness. And really, under all of that is the belief that having needs is bad or weak, having emotional needs in particular, needing other people. And I do think that sometimes, underneath the question of isn't co-regulation just coddling, is the belief that emotional expression, especially intense emotional expression is manipulation. And oh my, do people really not like to be manipulated. Which, of course, they don't. I don't like to be manipulated either. But there seems to be this confusion that expression of intense emotional needs is with the intention of getting something that they want, right? That it's manipulative. I think there's also this fear that expressing distress means we aren't going to figure out a way also, to kind of just navigate and deal with the frustration. Expressing distress means we aren't going to still do the really hard thing like that. They're almost mutually exclusive. We can't do both. We can't express emotional distress and still do it, do whatever this thing is that's hard, and I think that leads us into one of the biggest underlying assumptions, is that it's either or, when it comes to either, quote unquote, giving in, or quote unquote, like holding the line, and co-regulation is giving in, and if we give in, we can't hold the line. And there's so many misconceptions. In that idea, because we absolutely can offer co-regulation and still hold the boundary. Now, if the boundary is you can't express emotional needs, then I suppose you can't offer co-regulation and still set the boundary right. But if a boundary was set and then an emotion was expressed around it, we can do both. We can hold that boundary and co-regulate the emotional expression.    

Robyn: Okay, so before we go any further, let's actually pause for a second and define both co-regulation and coddling. To define co-regulation, I want to first define regulation, so regulation is simply about balance, and the word regulation applies to all sorts of things. I typically reference my thermostat when talking about regulation, the thermostat helps regulate the temperature in my home based on the numbers I give it right, like I tell the thermostat I want my home to be, you know, certain temperature, and the thermostat tracks the temperature of my home. And then adjusts the air conditioning, or the heat, based on the number that I've told it I want it to be. So the thermostat is helping to keep the temperature of my home in balance, and it does that by, you know, managing the the HVAC system. Obviously, major oversimplification here, but I think y'all kind of can can relate to that one.    

Robyn: In emotional regulation. Regulation is about the regulation of the autonomic nervous system and having the autonomic nervous system imbalance, because it's the autonomic nervous system that is underlying the intensity, the energy and arousal of the emotional expression, right? And so there's an accelerator and a brake, there's an increase in energy and a decrease in energy in the autonomic nervous system and regulation is about having balance in that. Self-regulation means the person is keeping their accelerator and their brakes in balance without the help of anyone else. I do have a whole thought, a whole belief about how that's actually not really even possible to do it all by yourself, especially if we look at how self-regulation is really just internalized co-regulation. But for today's purpose. We're just going to go with that simple definition, the self-regulation means a person is keeping their accelerator and breaks of emotion in balance without the external help of anyone else. I do have a podcast all about what self-regulation really is. I'll put links to it in the show notes.    

Robyn: So co-regulation means that two people are coming together to create that balance. It means that for one person, their regulatory capacity has been overwhelmed, and they need to, in a way like borrow that regulation from someone else. Okay, so co-regulation, two people come together to create that balance. Now this might seem a little bit counterintuitive, especially if you're new to the Baffling Behavior Show or relational neuroscience, or co-regulation and regulation. But regulation is actually not developed by getting really dysregulated and having to figure out how to regulate all by yourself. That isn't how regulation develops. Regulation actually develops from co-regulation. Regulation develops from being overwhelmed and having somebody come in and offer co-regulation, not from being overwhelmed and being all alone and having to figure out how to regulate. That is not how co-regulation or how self-regulation, develops.    

Robyn: When regulatory circuits get really, truly overwhelmed, not just uncomfortable, but really, truly overwhelmed, co-regulation comes in and doesn't weaken regulatory capacity. It strengthens it, okay? So when somebody's regulatory capacity gets totally overwhelmed. Okay, they're completely dysregulated. How they develop increased regulatory capacity is for somebody to come in and offer co-regulation. This isn't coddling. This isn't decreasing their capacity to handle hard things in the future. It's increasing it, okay. I want to just be super, super clear about that. Co-regulation, true co-regulation doesn't weaken or impair regulation growth. It strengthens it. Think about this, babies show overwhelm through crying, and teenagers might show it through cussing or screaming or slamming doors or behavior that's scary and dangerous and overwhelms us. But the underlying problem is the same. Their regulatory circuits have been overwhelmed. So we co-regulate babies who are showing us they're overwhelmed through crying, mostly because we're not overwhelmed by it. We might be uncomfortable by it, and we might get overwhelmed sometimes, of course, of course, of course, of course. But true co-regulation comes from a parent who isn't overwhelmed by the crying, but who is, maybe activated, but not overwhelmed, and is able to offer that co-regulation.    

Robyn: And the same thing holds true for our older kids, right? Their emotional expression is just much more likely to overwhelm us because the consequences of it are bigger. But regardless, the underlying problem is the same. There's regulatory circuit overwhelm, and we understand that to strengthen regulatory circuits when you're a new school aged child or a teenager or a 50-year-old, you actually need the same thing as you needed to develop regulatory circuits in the first place, which is co-regulation. Okay, so that was the definition of regulation and co-regulation. Let's, let's define what coddling is.    

Robyn: I googled coddling. That's all I did, is just went to Google, and Googled coddling, and some of the words that popped up as the definition of coddling were indulgent, overprotected and treating them too kindly and protecting them too much. So these definitions are so interesting to me in so many ways, but in and of themselves, they are indicative of some cultural bias, like, what is too kindly, what is protecting too much? And because these words are part of a definition, there's this implication that it's obvious what those things are, right? That we know what those things are. We know them so much that they can be used to define a word we don't know. Right? But when I hear the word coddling, and when I think about the behavior that most folks would agree is coddling, what I hear, what I think about is the lack of trust to coddle someone is to not trust that they can be in distress and also be okay. It's a lack of trust in their stress response system so we lower the bar and decrease their stress so much that it inhibits growth. And I'd say that the specifics we inhibit the growth of those regulatory circuits, right? That's what coddling is, lack of trust that results in us lowering the bar so substantially that it inhibits growth. I'm not talking about attunement, where part of the co-regulation process is to lower the stress right, so that we aren't flooding and overwhelming the person's stress response system. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about not trusting that they can be okay in that level of distress, and lowering the bar so much that it inhibits growth. Actually, the behavior that folks refer to as coddling is almost always about the adults lack of trust in themselves, the lack of trust that they can be with that child and their distress and still be okay. Coddling is really about an adult who cannot tolerate the child's distress so they reduce the expectation, reduce the demand. They're making, the assumption that the child cannot be okay unless they the adult do something to shift what's causing the distress.   

Robyn: What I'm really getting at here, okay, what is underlying everything that I've said in the last couple minutes is that the behavior I'm describing, the behavior of coddling, doesn't come from an adult who's offering co-regulation, because offering co-regulation requires being regulated, right? And if I am shifting something for my child because I can't manage their distress. That's not typically a behavior that I'm choosing with my regulated Owl brain now. Now to be clear, sometimes our kids, absolutely 100% need us to change the stressor, 100%, that's part of parenting is noticing like, whoops, this is too much. I gave you too much. I need to pull back, right? Sometimes, whatever our kids are facing, the stressor is too much for their stress response system, right? It's not that we don't trust, that they can't handle it. It's that we are seeing through our parent eyes like, whoa, too much. They act they can't handle it, right? So then we reduce or remove the stressor and y'all. That's not coddling, that's attunement, that actually is co-regulation, because it's coming from a regulated nervous system, not necessarily a calm one, but a regulated one that's in connection mode, because there's noticing, there's thoughtfulness, there's attunement, there's not a lack of trust in the child or the adult's ability to handle the dysregulation. It's a knowing that the stress response system has been flooded, and once the stress response system is flooded, we are no longer doing anything that would build regulatory circuits.    

Robyn: That doesn't mean that sometimes it's not inevitable, sometimes stress response systems get flooded, all right? Sometimes co regulation isn't possible to offer. Of course, of course, of course, right? Sometimes, these things do happen anyway, but we're trying to suss out the difference between adult behavior, right? That is co-regulation versus quote-unquote, coddling. Now, sometimes do we get it quote-unquote wrong, yes, yes, yes. And when I say get it quote-unquote wrong, I mean, sometimes do we look at our kids level of distress and feel trust that they can handle this like my kid can handle this distress, I'm going to increase my co-regulation as opposed to decreasing the stress. And is sometimes that the wrong choice? 100% yes, sometimes that's the wrong choice. Sometimes we don't choose well, we're not in 100% attunement with our kids. There's so many things that impact our ability to attune to our kids. And sometimes we think, well, sometimes we trust that they can handle a stressor, and we increase co-regulation, and that was the wrong choice. What we needed to do was decrease the stress. And sometimes we make the opposite wrong choice, like sometimes we're with our kids, and, you know, we respond to their dysregulation, not by trusting that they can navigate it with some help of co-regulation, but we'd respond to the stressor by decreasing the stress and then we decide later, like, whoops, that was the wrong choice. I decreased the stressor, when really what I could have done, should have done, is increase the co-regulation.    

Robyn: Sometimes we get it wrong. Of course we do. We're human. That's normal, and that's okay, and that's a part of- that, actually, in and of itself, is a part of regulation. Regulation and co-regulation involves a getting it wrong experience. It involves a rupture repair. It involves, I thought this was the right thing to do, whoops, it wasn't. I'm going to notice that and readjust and do something different next that, in and of itself, is this crucial part of the co-regulation experience. Co-regulation doesn't mean we always get it right, okay? So just to be really clear about that, we're going to get it wrong sometimes, okay, but what we're assessing is; is my child's level of distress mean that I need to increase my co-regulation for them, because I trust that with support, they can manage this level of distress. That's good, that strengthens our stress response system, that strengthens our trust in themselves, that strengthens their feelings of competency and mastery and success in the world all those kinds of things. Or is my child's level of stress so significant that I need to lower the stressor. That increases my child's trust in me! Oh, my parents saw that I needed something, and they helped me with it, and they were attuned to me, and they shifted things because we had gone past my, you know, capacity, right?    

Robyn: Those are kind of our two choices. And do we get it wrong? Sometimes, yes. Do we get it wrong a lot of the times, probably, but that's ultimately what comes down to this question of, is it co-regulation, or is it coddling? Coddling is about lowering the stress too much, lowering the stress too much, which is not true co-regulation. Okay, true co-regulation is absolutely 100% not coddling. Do sometimes adults think that they're co-regulating, and maybe perhaps what they're doing is quote-unquote, coddling? Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course. This takes us back to the episode I did, gosh, almost a whole year ago now, on lowering demands versus enabling. It was right after I had interviewed Amanda Diekman of low-demand parenting, and I was getting a lot of follow up questions, so I did this additional episode about the difference between lowering demands and enabling bad behavior. And the difference is, is that the adult behavior of enabling comes from protection mode, and that's very possibly what coddling is too. Versus lowering demands and co-regulation, that comes from connection mode, that's true co-regulation. And yeah, sometimes lowering the demand is the co-regulation that the child needs. Sometimes they need increased scaffolding. Sometimes they need increased co-regulation. And sometimes we're gonna guess what our kid needs, and sometimes we're going to get it wrong. We'll notice we got it wrong, and we'll take that information into account for the next time we have to make this decision.    

Robyn: Y'all, that's attunement, that's attachment, that's co-regulation, that increases connection, that increases felt safety. So if you find yourself in a situation where another adult is accusing you of coddling, here's what I want you to do. I want you to pause for a second and say, I see your concerns. I totally see your concerns, and I can see why this looks like coddling. The truth is, though, that I have made a very conscious choice about the amount of stress that my kid can and can't navigate. Am I maybe getting it wrong? Sure, maybe. But to the best of my ability, I am attempting to assess the level of stress that my child can manage with support versus when we've reached the level of stress where my child needs stressors reduced. And I understand that you think that it's coddling. For me, it's the foundation of co-regulation. I really want my child's regulatory circuits to be able to navigate stressors without me nearby, because life is very, very, very stressful. So no, offering co-regulation and still holding a boundary, though sometimes offering co-regulation means reducing the stressor, isn't coddling. I mean, not that we owe anybody an explanation for our parenting decisions, but I do know at times you feeling like you're equipped to, you know, have a reply to some people's accusations can be regulating for you. So I hope that feels helpful being able to one soothe yourself about the difference between co-regulation and coddling. Soothe yourself about the fact that you could possibly get it right all the time and maybe feel equipped to talk with folks who are accusing you of coddling your child.    

Robyn: Oh, actually, I was about to wrap up, but I want to say one more thing, sometimes, the adult, me and you, we make the choice to lower the stress for our child, right? Because we cannot cope with their dysregulation. And I get that, okay, I totally get that that happens if it feels like you're kind of finding yourself faced with that very regularly, that you are, you know, attempting to set a boundary or have some scaffolding or an expectation that leads to significant dysregulation, and then you find yourself repeatedly lowering, you know, lowering the bar, lowering your expectation, reducing demands. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to one, stop feeling guilty about that, two, I want you to make that decision with your Owl brain. So instead of what can oftentimes feel like a frantic, fine, fine, fine, fine, just giving in, or a collapse, like I just don't have the energy to deal with this. Instead of either of those, the frantic Watchdog or the collapsed Possum, use your Owl brain. Take a breath and say, You know what, I don't have it in me right now to offer the co-regulation that my child needs to hold this boundary, I'm eliminating the boundary, I'm reducing the demand, and I'm changing the expectation.    

Robyn: Do it with your Owl brain, and that begins to break the pattern of what we could often call enabling or coddling. I go into this a lot more in the enabling versus low demand parenting podcast, if you want to go back to that, if you suspect that this is a pattern that you've worked yourself into which, again, would make perfect sense, because you're navigating extremely intense circumstances and situations in your home. Of course, sometimes you're just panicking or just collapsing into give up mode and changing expectations. Of course, you are, of course. So if you're noticing that, yep, that's a pattern I've gotten myself into. That might be the podcast you go to next. Enabling versus low demand.    

Robyn: Yeah, y'all. I think it is so cool that we are having these kinds of discussions here on the Baffling Behavior Show like co-regulation versus coddling. This is really getting deep. We are really getting into the nitty-gritty here. I mean, this is like mindful parenting at its max, and the fact that this is my job, that there's enough of you out there listening to this show and being super curious about this information that I sit down and record podcast episodes is so fun. I love diving deep into the weeds here about some of the real nuances of being in relationship with these core tenets in mind. And if you're new here and you're like, Whoa, this episode was really in the weeds for me, here's what I want you to do. I want you to go to RobynGobbel.com/starthere. It's where I've taken 10 podcast episodes from the Baffling Behavior Show, and most of them come from when the Baffling Behavior Show was Parenting After Trauma. I took the 10 that I wanted people to start with, and I put them in order, and I put them in its own separate podcast feed to take all the guesswork out for you. You don't have to search, you don't have to scroll, you don't have to do front or back buttons you just have to press Play listen to all 10 that will give you the foundation that will then be helpful to come back and listen to some of these more nuanced episodes without you feeling overwhelmed or you feeling like we are just talking about something you don't understand it all so RobynGobbel.com/starthere as always, I am so grateful for you tuning in, whether you're a parent, caregiver, therapist and educator, somebody who works with kids with big behaviors in some capacity, whoever you are, thank you for pressing play. Thank you for being part of this community. Thank you for being part of of really this movement in which we are shifting the way the world sees behaviors so that we can create an experience for our kids that is more regulating, more filled with connection and safer. I will see you back here next week on next week's episode of the Baffling Behavior Show. Bye y'all!