Connection or Protection??? {EP 7}

Robyn: Those of you who have connected with me before, read my blogs, listen to other podcasts episodes, see me on Facebook Lives, taken any of my webinars or trainings have definitely heard me say that connection is a biological imperative. We are always seeking connection, always. But at the same time, there's another part to that story. We're indeed designed to be in connection. But we can't really connect with anyone if we aren't actually alive. Right? So the brain, of course, places a huge priority on simply surviving. So here's how it does this: the brain is continually scanning the environment for information that lets us know if we're safe or not safe. And by continually, what I mean is at least four times every second. So hear that again, I didn't say every four seconds, I said four times every second, the brain is scanning to decide if we're safe, or not safe. So there's this constant question being asked in the nervous system: safe, not safe, safe, not safe. And o- obviously like even as I say that I can't even come close to saying that four times a second. I mean, I'm not even saying it every four seconds, right? So it's pretty hard to really wrap our brains around how quickly the brain is making an assessment on whether we're safe or not safe. 

Robyn: If the brain decides, you know, based on all the information that it's taking in, that we're safe, what that means is we open up into behaviors of connection. If the brain decides that in that moment, the information coming in is suggestive of the possibility or the fact of being not safe, the brain moves into behaviors of protection. So it's safe or not safe, connection or protection. It's an on or an off switch, it's either on or it's either off. Like a light switch, just one or the other. There's no in between, it's just on or off. 

Robyn: But also like a light switch, once it's turned on, once we move into feeling not safe and engaging in those behaviors of protection, and I'm going to call that kind of switching on, there is a dimmer switch. So just like I have, I mean, I have that in my kitchen, and in my dining room, right? It's an on or an off, there's no in between there. But once it's on, I can adjust the intensity, right with which it's on. So this is the same. It's connection or protection is on or off right? Off means, you know, my danger, danger, fight, flight self is turned off. I'm experiencing safety, and I have behaviors of connection on is up, something might not be safe here or something definitely isn't safe here. So that switch gets turned on. But you know, the intensity with which it's on can really vary. So it's slightly on like just the teeniest tiniest bit slight on, like the amount of on we leave our kitchen light overnight, you know? The brain is possibly able to still look for more information to determine like, I think this is not safe situation I'm flipping into on behaviors of protection. But is it? Is it really not safe? Let me keep looking for data, let me keep looking for information. Right? So that's like being just barely on. Or the the on switch, you know, that dimmer switch could be like all the way on, in which you know, a behaviors of protection. If they're all the way on, you know, the intensity is all the way up, we're gonna see like a complete full on fight flight reaction, right? Maybe physically aggressive behavior, or a total flight, runaway behavior. But regardless, we're seeing behaviors of protection. 

Robyn: Okay, so oppositional defiance, verbal aggression, physical aggression, those are all behaviors of protection. The light switch is on, right? These are certainly not behaviors of connection, right? If I'm feeling safe, and I am open and available for connection, it doesn't mean I have to be connected to other people. That's going to vary like based on temperament, introversion, extroversion. But if I’m feeling safe, op- my nervous system’s open and available for connection. But- but if I'm feeling not safe, right, that's where those behaviors of protection emerge. And opposition is certainly a behavior that allows us to self protect, right? And in many ways, the oppositional behavior is, you know, a mild or like mild, barely moderate on that dimmer switch. So there's this oppositional behavior, there's a sense of feeling not safe in the nervous system, there's this behavior protection, but we're not so dysregulated that we can't continue to assess the situation, right? Like, am I really safe or am I really not safe. 

Robyn: So, oppositional behavior is a behavior of protection. But that is oftentimes available and willing to consider taking in more information, right? Like that level of dimmer switch is still in a place that it is willing to consider new information, and then shift into feeling safe and shift into behaviors of connection. 

Robyn: Unfortunately, a big problem with this whole dynamic is that when our kids are oppositional, when our kids have behaviors of protection, we often turn to protective behaviors, right? Oppositional behavior from our children, puts us into that state of feeling kind of not safe, feeling defensive, we move into our own nervous system, state of protective behaviors, right? And so our kids then respond to that, right? And then our response keeps kids in this kind of experience of believing that they're not safe, and remaining in these behaviors of protection. So the brain develops resilience by experiencing tolerable amount of stress, followed by experiences of co-regulation, right? That babies, and toddlers, and young children don't have perfect lives occasionally, and more often really then occasionally, they aren't getting their needs met, they're experiencing- they experience some stress and their nervous system. But then that relatively quickly, that stress you bec- you know, it's co-regulated or attuned to by a caregiver. And if that doesn't happen, and sometimes it doesn't. Like sometimes our babies, or toddlers, or our kids are stressed. And there is, you know, that's not followed up by some co-regulation. But this happens with infrequency, right? It doesn't happen terribly often. And so this kind of occasional amount of stress, it's not co-regulated. And then, you know, other experiences of stress that eventually do get co-regulated, these experiences build up our stress resilience. While the challenge is that for kids, babies, infants, toddlers who experience too much stress, without enough co-regulation, they don't develop this stress resilience. Like they are flooded with stress, they don't have the opportunity to kind of like build the stress resilience muscle. And ultimately what happens is they become- they develop a very sensitized stress response system, okay, so their dimmer switch, kind of skips mild or like just barely on and goes straight to full blast. Straight to this sense of, I am in so much danger, I'm going to die. So the smallest amount of stress from the environment or from the relational experience, right, that we could look at it objectively and say like that was a minor amount of stress is actually experienced by the child with a very sensitized stress response system as a significant amount of stress. Their dimmer switch goes all the way, full blast, right? 

Robyn: The other thing that happens is that if I have a history of experiencing a lot of stress, a lot of danger without co-regulation, right, and neglect. Also, let's remember that neglect is too much stress without enough co-regulation. Because being alone when you're small, is very, very, very dangerous. So if I have a history of experiencing a lot of stress, not enough co-regulation, I have this really sensitized stress response system. The other thing that happens is that even like neutral experiences can be easily interpreted as a threat. So a look on the face, or a gesture, or something that is otherwise pretty innocuous can be experienced by kids with heightened stress responses, as you know, a behavior that's not safe. And their stress response system turns on, and they're feeling threatened when all you did was sigh when you realized that dinner was going to be 10 minutes late, and it had nothing to do with you children at all, right? That somehow your sigh, or your expression of feeling disappointed, or irritated, or annoyed, even if it has nothing to do with your kid is experienced by your child as not safe, right? 

Robyn: Okay, so what I really want to tell you today is that when we experience threats, our attachment circuitry kicks in, right? So when we're experiencing threat, when we move into, you know, a state in our nervous system of protection, the next thing that happens is our attachment circuitry kicks in. And we began to look for connection. Connection with a safe person, somebody who can provide some co-regulation. This is simply how being human works. That as when our you know kind of our fight, flight freeze or collapse system gets activated. What we- what, you know, the next thing that kicks in is how do I get safe? How do I feel better? And for humans, what that often means is find a safe person, find somebody who can help me be safe, or find somebody who can help me with my feelings or maybe offer co-regulation. But if I've had a history of being hurt inside relationship, I wind up in a loop of danger, right? Because I'm experiencing this sense of danger and I move into protective behaviors. And then I want to move towards some connection or co-regulation. But I learned in the past that connection, or relationships were dangerous. So then I'm instantly moved back into danger, danger, kind of behaviors of protection again, right? So we- if we're caring for kids who've experienced trauma, we want to be aware that they are very sensitized to stress or danger. And we also want to be aware that attachment trauma means that the connection has been the same as danger in the past. That connection, and danger have gotten paired together in the past. So this natural built in way we look to feel better, we look for regulation by turning towards connection. It's not working. We've lost that really important system. 

Robyn: So what do we as parents, or caregivers, or therapists, or educators, or whoever we are caring for kids, what do we do about this? Well, the first thing we've got to do is keep ourselves really anchored in this truth. And that's why I am so passionate about teaching about the brain and teaching about the science, right? That we can understand the mechanism when we understand what's driving these behaviors, it decreases the feelings in us of our child's behaviors feeling personal, right? It decreases our leap to making, kind of, broad or sweeping character generalizations. And understanding these neurobiological mechanisms helps to increase our compassion, which is exactly what our kids need in order to move out of protection and into connection. 

Robyn: This second thing that we do is we look for ways to be really clear with our kids about their safety. Like we could actually say this with words like ‘woah, woah, woah buddy! Hey, like, I'm not a threat here, or you're not in danger here. There's no danger here. Or there's no trouble here’. I learned that from a colleague, Mark, where he'll say, and he said that in his family and in the- in the parents that he coaches, he’s a parent coach. They'll say, we don't do- there's no trouble here, we don't do trouble in this family. So we look for ways to clearly express safety with our words, or maybe with our body language, right? That- that body language that kind of perpetuates our children feeling threatened or in need to protect themselves would be body language that they can interpret as us being scary. So we could get lower than them, like we could crouch down or sit down. We can relax our shoulders. We can change the intonation in our voice. So there's these different things we can do to overtly and covertly send you know, some cues to our kids that they're safe. You know, that we aren't- we aren't the one that's being a threat. 

Robyn: The third thing we can do is look for other ways to help our kids’ body feel safe. I'm always looking to tend to our kids' sensory needs, like is there some sort of sensory support that I could add in that would help their body feel more regulated? I'm a huge fan of offering drinks and snacks. Like that is probably my primary go to hey, would you like a drink? Can I get you a snack? Those are, you know, nurturing, while also offering a sensory experience, because drinks and snacks have sensory experiences in them. Can help to create an experience of safety and help our kids move out of protection and into connection. 

Robyn: We also want to consider like, is the bar too high here? Do I need to lower the demand like am I having unreasonable expectations for my kid in this moment? Just because my kid has demonstrated in the past their capacity to do what I'm asking them to do right now, doesn't mean they have the capacity to do it right now. And I think we can really own that that's true about ourselves, right? That there are- there's things that I'm completely capable of doing that sometimes they just feel way too hard, and I just can't do them, right? 

Robyn: Then the fourth thing that we want- that we're going to do is that because we stayed grounded and regulated, and partially how we did that is because we understand what's driving this behavior and we can depersonalize it. But because we can stay grounded and we can stay regulated, we can really easily set a compassionate boundary. So I can still be really clear about what my expectations are. And I can set that boundary, but I can do that without moving into judgment, or threats, or criticism, or getting angry, or me moving into my own kind of protective stance. Which is unfortunately just going to keep our children in these places of protection, right?

Robyn: So let's- let me give you an example. Okay, so let's imagine that you're parenting a teenager, and it's the middle of exam week. It's very stressful, very stressful for your kid. You know that moving his body will be helpful. And so you approach your, you know, maybe mouthy, kind of, pissy, contemptuous, grumpy teenager who just wants to lay around and play video games and attempt to get him outside. Get him moving his body and into the fresh air, into the sunshine, do something with you, right? So you're attempting to offer up connection and sensory input, all of those kinds of good things. And really choosing to not give a whole lot of energy to like the mouthiness, or the disrespect, or the grumpy attitude, right? Because really what we give energy to is where our attention goes. And where our attention goes is typically where things get bigger, not smaller. So you- so instead of giving a lot of attention to the mouthiness, or to the defiance, we're going to look for ways to help move his body from protection behaviors into connection behaviors, okay? So, at first, your teenager refuses and maybe even yells at you, right? And I might say back like, yeah, get it right. I totally get it. You do not want to go outside with me. And my kid might say back to me, no, I'm not gonna go stand with you. I'm not doing chores outside. I'm not, you know, raking leaves. You treat me like a slave and make me do chores. And then I might say, yeah, this is so hard. It feels like we make you do everything, right? So I'm not disagreeing. I'm not saying like, yeah, we do treat you like a slave. I'm just acknowledging the feeling. And then my teenager might say, Yeah, I'm just sick of it. And I can say back, of course, you're sick of it, I totally get it. And all of this is happening while you're continuing to get your shoes on. So you're staying in motion. You are staying, moving towards the end goal, which is getting outside. You're not engaging. You're acknowledging. You're matching and letting your kid know, like, yes, I feel your feelings, but you're not getting sucked into it. And you're just kind of keeping the train moving along, right? So I might say, I'll be outside in the back, getting the leaf blower ready. And I have an extra bottle of soda with me. So I'll see you in a few minutes. It's chilly, you might want to put a scarf on. 

Robyn: So let's deconstruct that a little bit, right. So you providing a lot of structure. I'll be outside in the back, getting the leaf blower ready. I'll have an extra bottle of soda with me. This is not a bribe. This is an offering of nurturing and connection. Okay? I'll see you in a few minutes. It's chilly, you might want to put on a scarf. So we're continuing to offer up connection. We're continuing to offer up nurturing and care, right? And then you just go outside. If your teen doesn't come with you, you might send a text, hey, I have the soda waiting for you out here. Right? And if they still don't come, I might head back inside, staying playful, but firm. And I might say something like, dude, let's go, it's gonna get dark soon. Come on, I'll race you up the stairs. Right? So this way of interacting continues to kind of match their energy, right? There's- there's energy matching and that defiance has energy behind it. All right, so I'm keeping my energy, right? Come on, let's go. It's gonna get dark soon, I'll race you up the stairs, right? It's also continuing to offer connection, right? And you're adding in a sensory component and helping their body move. With the running or the stomping of the stairs, which by design is going to help to regulate and soothe the brain and help a protective brain move into a more connective brain. If your teen still doesn't follow you, you might try just sending another text. It says, hey, it seems like coming outside is just too much for you today. I'm going to put the soda in the fridge for you, so it's cold when you want it later. And I totally get it that this could seem like giving in. But what you're really doing is just putting to words what's really obvious, actually, right? And what's obvious is that there's something happening for your teenager that's simply making it just too hard. Right? And that could seem unreasonable. And you could be being like it's not too hard. He just needed to zip up their coat and get outside. There's nothing hard about that, but- but they're not doing it. So something about it is actually too hard. So all you're doing is just putting words to that truth. Right? And you're continuing to offer connection. Which often is probably going to be a surprise to your kid. It's going to be a surprise to the nervous system, right? Surprises are actually exactly what the nervous system needs in order to change. And it's a gesture of nurture. It's a gesture of care. And it's simply not possible to give our kids too many of those kinds of experiences, too many gestures of nurturing and care, right?

Robyn: And then what I would say is that if this level of opposition remained an ongoing problem, we'd have to look at bigger relational or environmental supports to put into place to soothe, you know, the brain that’s stuck in protection mode, on a longer term basis, right? Like more than just situationally, like a more chronically stuck in protection brain, we would want to look at other ways to be increasing felt safety. 

Robyn: So, to just give you a little bit of support around that idea, and of-f- you know, creating opportunities to increase health safety, you can head over to RobynGobbel.com/feltsafety and I have written a blog article about it. And if you haven't yet grabbed my masterclass on regulation, connection, and felt safety, you're gonna want to go and grab that on my website, RobynGobbel.com/masterclass. So that's going to be just a slightly deeper dive into how regulation, how connection, how felt safety all work together. And how regulation, felt safety, and connection are the primary pieces that we really need to be looking at if we are hoping to support some behavior change in our kids.

Robyn: All right, this is awesome. Thanks for tuning in. And being with me today, as we explored the difference between connection and protection. I wrote a blog article to go along with it. So you can head over to my blog, RobynGobbel.com/blog. And you'll find that blog article on connection or protection. I look forward to being with you guys next time. Thanks.