Co-Regulating? Or Masking? {EP 217}

Robyn: Today, we are going to talk about finding the difference between really, truly offering co-regulation and being regulated enough to offer that co-regulation and what we might call masking. So, kind of faking being regulated. Sometimes we have no idea that we're faking it, but faking being regulated in an attempt to offer co-regulation, which you know, makes offering co-regulation pretty tricky before we really dive into the you know, depth of this episode, I want to invite you to listen today, not with a sense of, oh no, Robyn is telling me just one more way I'm doing this all wrong, right? Not with that kind of an attitude, but instead, with maybe some curiosity about how you might be able to tend to your own nervous system differently, or at least make sense of and then have some compassion for why you are feeling so burned out.    

Robyn: I also want you to approach this episode by holding in mind the idea that I actually don't want you to end this episode and try to do anything different if you end this episode with some suspicion that you might be doing more masking than co-regulating, really, truly, I don't want you to try to do anything different. I only want you to just notice that, notice, acknowledge that that might indeed be true, that your nervous system is so burned out that you're really doing more masking than co-regulating. I want you to give yourself just oodles and oodles and oodles of compassion. And if that's too hard to do, I want you to just hear the compassion that I offer you, and that's it. That's all I want you to do when this episode is over, that's all I want you to do. If you end this episode believing that you might be doing more masking than co-regulating, that's it. I don't want you to try to actually change anything. Okay, so with all that out of the way, let's talk about how kids with vulnerable nervous systems tend to need more active co-regulation than other kids their age, right? They have they have more episodes of being dysregulated. They need more presence and connection and soothing from us and they need to say a lot more on top of things, right, with scaffolding, with support, with decreasing the distance, not to mention all the meetings at school in the way we're constantly advocating for our kids and feeling frustrated that the adults in the systems are just making our life more difficult.    

Robyn: And oh yeah. Yeah, the logistics of scheduling and driving to appointments and keeping documents in order, there's so many things. Kids with vulnerability in their nervous system need more than other kids their age. So for these reasons, and for about an infinite number more, right, co-regulating a child with a vulnerable nervous system, the amount that they need is exhausting. Of course, it is y'all that makes such total sense. We did not plan on parenting being this intensive, this exhausting and for this long. So of course, you're exhausted, not to mention that your support, your community support, has probably actually decreased over the years, right? Because there's this expectation that as your kids get older, you as a parent, need less. But for those of you listening, probably the opposite is true, because, kind of like the gap between our kids and their same age peers just gets bigger and bigger and bigger every year, our kids need more, right? What we can be curious about is, is the amount of co-regulation that we're offering our kids a good, exhausting or a bad, exhausting.    

Robyn: Now, I'll bet for most of you listening, there's like, what do you mean? Good, exhausting? Like, it's probably been so long since you have felt that, that it feels like not a thing, right? Maybe think of it like this way, is it connection mode exhaustion or protection mode exhaustion? Yeah, connection mode is, is kind of like that, that exhaustion you might feel after a day of really good but really hard work, like, maybe you've pushed yourself to the max physically. Maybe you like through an event, and you've worked for ages on getting ready for that event, and it's been so much work and it was a smashing success. This kind of exhaustion is really, really hard work, but with lots of opportunity for connection, safety and regulation, right? I mean, if I just threw a huge event and it was wonderfully successful, I would have been given, been receiving all sorts of keys to safety along the way, right? I probably got a lot of connection and co-regulation out of the experience too assuming that this event involved people, and if it was a smashing success, we're going to assume that those people were regulated, happy, pleased, excited, right?    

Robyn: So, yes, it was exhausting. Yes, there's so much work, but also the amount of goodness and the cues of safety that we're being experienced means that that exhaustion is experienced from connection mode. Now, I've never run a full marathon, but I've run several halves, and I've definitely been exhausted at the end of those races, and really for the whole day, right? Or really, you know, even after a day of really intense yard work, especially as it starts to get warm out. But even in those instances, assuming that, of course, I'm fueled correctly and I'm prepared for the physical challenge, there's still so much sensory input that kind of offsets the experience that could otherwise be quite dysregulated, right? Like doing yard work, for example, means I'm outside, right? Means I'm getting sunshine, and that's probably keys of safety. I might be doing it with other people, right? I'm getting a lot of sensory input from moving around for from digging in the earth, right, from moving tools around, and there's a lot of heavy work sensory input that's happening there that's probably supporting the window of tolerance, so that, again, this exhaustion is experienced while still in connection mode. Plus there's, of course, like a sense of satisfaction for sure, for a hard job that was well done. It's exhausting, but, but it's a connection mode exhaustion. This is actually also a really great example of how when we tax the system, when we ask our bodies to do something hard, we have to increase connection, increase co-regulation, and increase felt safety. When we talked about that a decent amount back in the episode about how to strengthen the stress response system. If we're going to increase the stress we have to increase the connection, the co-regulation and the felt safety. So anyway, you can go back to that episode if you want to. Without question, co-regulating a child with a vulnerable nervous system is exhausting. But what about when it shifts into bad exhaustion or chronic protection mode exhaustion for too long and too intensely? That is probably when we shift out of offering actual, true co-regulation, and kind of move more into we're just kind of masking right, that sense of faking it till you make it, right. We're trying to put on a brave or a calm or even a happy face, or at least a not actively freaking out face, right? There's these moments where we could say the insides and outsides aren't really matching. We're feeling really dysregulated on the inside. Maybe you're not even noticing how dysregulated you're feeling on the inside, feeling really dysregulated on the inside, and attempting to put on like a front on the outside of being regulated right.    

Robyn: Now, without question, there is an aspect of regulation where we do hard things because we have to. I don't think that that's bad or always masking, for example, hands down on my best self at work, as opposed to my personal life. I regulate through all sorts of hard things at work, while teaching, while taking care of my trillion mile task list, or being with the people that I support in my work, it is hard work, and it is exhausting at times. I might not work so hard to be regulated in different circumstances, like, for example, at home, right when things are really hard at home and they're exhausting at home and you know, I am surrounded by dysregulated people, like I often am at work. Do I work so hard to stay regulated? Well, no, most people don't. Now that doesn't mean that at work, I'm masking, you know that I'm like, faking it or pretending to be regulated when I'm really not. It just means that sometimes staying regulated when things are hard is, like, really hard work, and we're just more likely to do that. And you know, give that hard work when we aren't in the safety of our home experience, okay?   

Robyn: So being able to stay more regulated somewhere else, like, for example, your kids at school or you at work, doesn't mean that in those stressful situations, because, of course, school and work are stressful, it doesn't mean that it's always masking. We just do have to work a little harder to stay regulated in other kinds of circumstances. But it certainly can turn into masking. Absolutely 100% can turn into masking, which is when we've really fully leaned into protection mode, but are attempting, on the outside to still have behaviors that look like connection mode. Okay, so if you're parenting and you're working really hard to look like you're in connection mode, look like you're offering co-regulation, right? You're trying to look that way in the outside, but on the inside, you are fried. You're burned out, your weary and exhausted. And I'm not talking about like, hey, job well done, kind of exhausted, but, but the kind of exhaustion that's like, I don't know if I can continue to go on. That means you're probably doing more masking than true co-regulating.    

Robyn: Now, why does this matter? Why am I recording this episode? It is definitely not to shame you for masking instead of co-regulating. This is not an episode that's it's like, well, you should be figuring out a way where you can offer co-regulation instead of just faking it till you make it. Because that's not co-regulation anyway. That is not what this episode is about. That's not what I'm about. But if you're new to this show, you're new to The Baffling Behavior Show, let me just reassure you. That's not what I'm about. That's not what this episode is about. But y'all, even when hard things can't be changed, noticing and acknowledging those hard things brings cues of safety in. Noticing and acknowledging tends to lead to compassion, not pity. Pity is protection mode and it depletes us. Compassion is connection mode in its cues of safety.    

Robyn: That's why I said at the very beginning of this episode. I said, don't try to change anything. Don't listen to this episode and then try, you know, notice like, oh my gosh, I think I'm really, actually faking it. I'm doing more masking. I'm not really, truly co-regulating my level of exhaustion is definitely not job well done kind of exhaustion, right? If that's how you're feeling in this moment, remember I said, don't try to change anything. Just notice. And also, I would invite you to and not end this episode feeling guilt or shame. Now you all know that I'm a big fan of like, all of your feelings are welcome, so we're gonna allow that to be true. All of your feelings are welcome, including your guilt and your shame. And also, I'm just going to invite you to see if it's possible and you notice that you're doing way more masking than you are true co-regulating. And can you notice that without feeling guilty or shame, in fact, if you think you might be doing more masking than co-regulating, you actually deserve a lot of praise. Okay, give yourself some really well-deserved praise. You are working so hard. You are working harder than your body can work without getting a refill of connection, co-regulation and safety, but you're still doing it. You haven't given up. You just keep going and going and going and I mean, really, I know for most of you, it's like, well, what's the alternative? And I get that. I get that. I don't really have an alternative here. I have to keep going and going and going and going.     

Robyn: So send a message of gratitude. So the parts of you that are working this hard notice it, acknowledge it. That just simply means you don't try to change it and offer yourself some self-compassion. If you're in the middle of a meltdown, and I'm talking about your child's not necessarily yours, and you notice yourself just like grinning and bearing it clenched teeth, maybe a little dissociating, right? Maybe you notice you're trying so hard to just make it through without joining them in their meltdown. Don't feel guilty or bad that true active co-regulation just doesn't seem possible right now. Instead, actually send some gratitude to the parts of you that are working so, so, so, so hard to keep yourself safe working, so hard to just keep showing up every day, every hour, in the midst of such difficulty.    

Robyn: Y'all, I'm actually going to end this episode without offering any useful suggestions on how to interrupt this pattern, and I've made a very conscious, deliberate choice to do this, doing this very deliberately. For those of you who are listening, who cannot do anything different, doing something different would be energy you don't have. So I'm speaking to you with this episode, and I want you to be with your with yourself exactly as you are. No attempt to change. Just notice, notice your exhaustion. Notice your nervous system masking its own intense dysregulation. Acknowledge that that's true. Don't try to change it. Take a breath and offer yourself some compassion for how hard this is, and some compassion for being so hard that you aren't going to try to do anything different in this moment, because that would simply be too hard. 

Robyn: Now, if you're listening and do you feel kind of like, whoa, suggestions. Do you have some capacity to use some suggestions on how to break this pattern of masking instead of co-regulating? Right? If you feel like, oh, I have the capacity. I would want to ask you to do something else in this moment instead of searching for ways to help yourself, shift out of this pattern. Now, don't get me wrong, it's good shift out of this pattern, but in this moment, instead of giving energy to that, I'm going to ask you to do something else. What I'd love for you to do instead is to bring to mind the caregiver who has nothing more to give. There are 1000s and 1000s of people listening to this episode all over the world, all over the world, right? Of those folks who are listening, I can't even begin to guess the percentage of them who are kind of falling into that category. I got nothing, nothing more to give. I can't change anything. I couldn't even begin to guess the percentage of those. But if you're feeling like, hey, actually, I do have some capacity here. Want you to imagine the caregiver who in this moment, who is also listening to this episode right now and also hearing my voice somewhere around the world. I can't even begin to imagine doing something different, caregiver to your mind.    

Robyn: Now take the regulation that you would use to make some change in your own nervous system and send that regulation out into the world. Imagine your energy reaching that caregiver who is just beyond depleted also notice if sending your energy out into the world feels more regulating or more dysregulating, does it feel like it brings you more closer to connection mode or closer to protection mode? And of course, if sending your energy out into the universe and imagining that caregiver who just can't give one more ounce if you imagining that and sending your energy to that person is depleting you. It's sending you more into protection mode. Then go ahead and take a breath and say, oh, that invitation wasn't for me. In fact, not only was that invitation not for me, but I'm going to imagine that I'm receiving the energy of someone else who's sending theirs out into the world. Now I really, really believe we can co-regulate around the world. I believe that we can energetically come together and create a mass window of tolerance, one where those of us with more capacity lend our energy to those with less. And the byproduct of this mass window of tolerance is that we all grow in our capacity for connection and co-regulation, all of us, even when we are doing the offering, because there is something that we receive when we offer.    

Robyn: I'm not asking anybody to, you know, self-sacrifice and give instead of receive. Just notice that when we give, when we offer compassion, when we offer connection, we offer presence, we also receive those things. All right, y'all if you are new to The Baffling Behavior Show, you can scroll back in the podcast app, where you're listening to this episode right now and see what other episodes appeal to you. You can also go to RobynGobbel.com/podcast and use the search bar. I have at the top of that page, a place where you can kind of type in whatever it is that you're looking for. And if I have an episode that you know gets close to talking about that topic, it'll pop up. Unfortunately, podcast apps themselves are very searchable, so go to RobynGobbel.com/podcast, type in what you're looking for, and then note the episode number of the podcasts that get recommended to you, because then you can come back here to your podcast app and you can scroll until you find that podcast number. That's why I number all the podcasts. And while you're over at RobynGobbel.com, you can click around discover all sorts of other free resources.    

Robyn: If you need to still grab your copy of Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, you can do that wherever you buy books online, and y'all if you have read Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, I would be so, so, so grateful if you just took a moment to leave either a rating or a review over on Amazon. And you can leave ratings and reviews on Amazon even if you didn't buy it on Amazon. Ratings and reviews help other people find the book. Amazon recommends it more, so more people will find the book, the more ratings and reviews it has and why that's good for you is because of more people who are learning this material, either through my book or through my colleagues books and works that they're putting out into the world. There's so much goodness being put into the world right now, so whether it's through my book or through someone else's, the more other folks are exposed to the neuroscience of behavior and how to see kids with nervous system vulnerability differently, the less hard you're going to have to work. The harder my book works, to get read around the world, the harder my book works, the less hard you will have to work. That's why it benefits all of us to get the book recommended as much as possible.    

Robyn: Now, y'all, the book is a year and a half old now, yeah, does that sound right? Came out at the end of September of 2023 ,and it continues to do remarkably well, remarkably well for a year and a half in how, how stable the book continues to sell, Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, continues to sell around the world. Is shocking, shocking. I would have never have dreamed that this is true and y'all, this is such good news. It means people are interested. It means that they're willing to invest some time. It means that they're curious. And this is such good news for you and your kids. And when something like Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors has a lot of ratings and reviews, it also helps potential readers take the leap of faith to buy and read yet another parenting book. I have heard from so many of y'all who tell me, you like, really delayed reading it, really put off reading it, because you're like, I don't want to read another parenting book. I'm sick of them. I'm sick of more parenting books that just tell me what to do, but don't tell me how to do it, or I'm sick of parenting books that are completely impractical and that just make me feel bad about my parenting. I get it. I get it, and I trust that readers will find the book when they need to, and at the same time, if there are steps we can take to help folks feel safe, taking the risk, the leap of faith to buy and read yet another parenting book, that means the sooner relief will come to their own nervous system. All right, y'all I'll be back with you again next week!