Does my child get dysregulated on purpose? {EP 110}

Today's question is this. Sometimes it feels like my child escalates and gets physical and has a tantrum almost on purpose. Like they want to get out of control? Is this possible that they're kind of doing this on purpose? Like they want to?

Okay, also, I picked this question to answer first, because I literally just answered almost this exact question in the club. And this is not a unique question. And since it came up right away again, I kind of decided that this was the universe telling me there's lots of people who have this question plus, it's like, right on the tip of my tongue and makes it super easy for me to answer. So, yes, it is absolutely possible. And it's not just possible, I mean, it's even likely that there are times when the energy and activation and dysregulation and your child like activates or accelerates on purpose, like intentionally without question, it can feel like there's this tipping point, even where our kids go from like, wanting to feel better, you know, there, you can sense there's this almost like, please help me feeling. And then it can feel like it kind of tips over into this sense of like, they actually don't even want to help. And the idea of receiving co regulation almost feels impossible, like they just plain old, don't want it, they want to keep feeling bad, or maybe even worse. And so I want to first just validate for you like you are not imagining this. Without I know it can feel manipulative, or yeah, just at the very least super confusing. So let's make some sense of it. Because y'all know that I think all behavior makes sense. And even if we can't fix it, I think bringing some coherence to very baffling behavior is the first step it's the first step towards our selves finding similar regulation, and then that brings some compassion and curiosity back on board. And in Yeah, so making sense of behavior, bringing some coherence is super important. And let's kind of deconstruct this, this a little bit, kids, and not just kids, people who have a lot of dysregulation, and disorganization, like stored in their nervous system, you know, like kids of view, you know, you parents who listen to this podcast, these kids, these people have probably have a lot of dysregulation, that just in the present moment, but the dysregulation is stored in their memory networks from the past, meaning they've had a lot of experiences of dysregulation in the past, where they haven't received the CO regulation that in those moments, they really, really needed. It's also very possible that the dysregulation in the fear that they experienced in the past, wasn't just not co regulated, but it was actually even caused and created by like the very person who was supposed to be giving safety and CO regulation. Now, that grown up, who maybe caused that fear or caused that dysregulation, I believe, was in that moment, doing the very best that they could, but that doesn't change the reality that it left your child with a lot of dysregulation stored in their body, in their memory. So now you have a child whose dysregulation in this moment may be partially related to the present moment, but at the same time, what's happening is those old memory networks are coming alive because of the way memory works. 

What's happening in the now activates Things that have been stored from the past. And in this scenario, we can look at it as the dysregulation as the memory from the past that's being activated in the now and it comes alive, right? All of that intensity, all of that dysregulation that's happening in the now. Right right now in front of you, and maybe even does seem like it's escalating on purpose. All of that is seeking one thing, president's safety co regulation, okay. I don't know, maybe you're considering that three things, I'm going to consider that kind of like one thing, like a package of presence, safety, co regulation, and it's actually really desperately longing for that. 

Now, I absolutely know that there's times when it doesn't seem like that it there are times when it really seems like the last thing your child wants. And what their dysregulation wants is CO regulation. At the same time, it is always what it is really desperately longing for presence, safety and CO regulation. So yes, sometimes old networks of dysregulation get invited in a way into the here and now in ways that really might actually seem like your child's doing this on purpose. But what's actually happening is that your child is in a way brilliantly, setting the stage for those memory networks to get what was needed back then. Right, which was presence, safety, and CO regulation. Now, I know I said, Your child is brilliantly setting the stage. And I know that it doesn't feel brilliant at all. Like, I know that it's a privilege for me on the outside looking in to say, it's actually brilliant, because that's what's needed in order for the integration to happen in the mind. 

So imagine this, okay, the CO regulation,and the presence and the safety that you can offer your child and the here and now, imagine it like a funnel. And unfortunately, it is a very teeny, tiny, like microscopically small funnel, in comparison to all of the dysregulation your child has, that really desperately wants to go down the funnel. Now, this isn't the funnels fault for being small, you're not doing anything wrong by having a small funnel. And the truth is, is that the funnel actually isn't that small, but it is small in comparison to the enormity of the dysregulation, okay, so your co regulation and presence and safety, it's a funnel, and a teeny, tiny bit of the dysregulation goes down that funnel, and gets what it needs every time. And the rest of that dysregulation, well, it just overflows. 

Like if you have a teeny tiny funnel underneath a five gallon bucket of water and dumped it over on top of it, right? Just a little bit would go down while the rest just like splashes everywhere and makes a huge mess. It really wants to go down the funnel, though. So it keeps trying. And it keeps trying. And it keeps trying. So that feeling of your kid escalating on purpose is a kid who really wants those yucky feelings to go down the funnel. Now you are not doing anything wrong, the size of your funnel isn't wrong or bad. The dysregulation is just that big, over and over and over and over again that dysregulation is just trying to get what it needs. It's trying to get the regulation, the safety, the presence that it needs. It's trying to go down the teeny, teeny tiny funnel. It's not seeking more chaos. I know it feels like it's seeking more chaos. But what it's seeking is the opportunity to go down the funnel. It's seeking the opportunity to get what it needs containment and integration. And every time a little bit more goes down.

I don't know if it's ever going to all make it down the funnel. But I do know that a teeny tiny amount goes down every single time and that teeny tiny amount really matters. What you're doing matters I promise you. Okay, what I want you to ask yourself is who's holding a funnel for you? Somebody needs to hold your funnel, right? So that you can keep holding your funnel for this child. I want you to hear me that it matters. And that doesn't change how exhausting and and even traumatic it can be for you. And it does matter. 

So throughout this month of February, you're still going to get a regular podcast episode that happens on Tuesdays. And in fact, in the month of February, we're doing a very special series all about boundaries came, we're really kind of rethinking what boundaries are and and how do we have boundaries with kids who are, you know, very vulnerable nervous systems pretty consistently. dysregulated have really big, baffling behavior. So that's going to happen throughout the month of February as usual on Tuesdays. And then on Fridays, there will be this extra bonus q&a. I love doing these Q and A's. I hope that they're helpful. We'll do this again next week.