Walking On Eggshells {EP 201}

Robyn: I would say that almost inevitably, living with somebody with a vulnerable nervous system can leave us feeling like we are walking on eggshells. It's that sense of not knowing what's gonna happen next, having to kind of tread lightly, and a feeling of being constantly at risk that making a misstep will trigger this other person. So in today's episode, I really want to break down what it means to quote-unquote, walk on eggshells, and what you can do about that, even if you can't change the other person's behavior, the person who is leaving you feeling this sense of walking on eggshells. If we look at the framework we talk about here on The Baffling Behavior Show with connection mode versus protection mode, walking on eggshells is living in chronic protection mode. It's probably a like, "What's Up?" Watchdog place, maybe even shifting towards that, "Ready For Action" Watchdog place. So that's, you know, beginning down the continuum to kind of about midway down the continuum.    

Robyn: There's this belief when one's walking on eggshells, there's this belief that we can only be regulated, we can only be okay if the other person is too or there can be this sense that you can't stay regulated, and therefore you can't be in connection mode and feeling safe, and just kind of that general sense of okayness if the other person is not. If you think of it like this, you understand that there's a sense of not being able to be regulated without controlling someone else's behavior. Now, I know that oftentimes, culturally and socially, we use words like control to mean something negative, and so for me to offer up the possibility that walking on eggshells comes from kind of the sense of not being able to be regulated if you're not able to control someone else's behavior, I know that runs the risk of coming across like as criticism, and could potentially activate some of our shame course. So if that happened to you, I just want you to take a big breath and remember that here on The Baffling Behavior Show, we know that all behavior makes sense. All behavior makes sense, and control, whether it be wanting to control your own behavior or somebody else's behavior, is a very human response to living in chronic protection mode. So a sense of not being able to be regulated. If you can't control someone else's behavior, that's not criticism. That's just awareness of living in chronic protection mode. And when we look at it like that, we shift away from any kind of judgment that might come along with that thought. We shift into just compassion, right? Because living in chronic protection mode is absolutely exhausting, and so living in chronic protection mode and feeling like you can't be okay without being able to control somebody else's behaviors, while also having the awareness that you can't, because, man, if I've ever met someone who knows how impossible it is to control somebody else's behaviors, it's someone in relationship with somebody with a vulnerable nervous system, right?    

Robyn: I mean, I think a lot of humans and have moved through the world with this inaccurate belief that we are in control of a lot of a lot more things than we really are, including other people. And it's not true, but a lot of us can kind of hold on to this illusion. But I tell you what, folks I know who are in relationship with people with vulnerable nervous systems know quite clearly that as much as we'd like to control somebody else's behaviors, we can't. We can't control their behavior. So this walking on eggshells, feeling this, this conflictual sensation of, I can't be okay without controlling somebody else's behaviors, but also I can't control their behavior, right? That can kind of leave us with what feels like no option except for to stay in protection mode. And I tend to see that protection mode response to come out and one of a couple of different ways. One, we stay in kind of chronic, you know, "What's Up?" or, "Ready For Action," right? Or we can shift into what I would call, "La La Land," right? We just kind of check out. Sometimes, we can even go all the way to that people-pleasing trickster stage of Possum. But we find ourselves people-pleasing our kids, right? We find ourselves afraid to set or enforce a boundary. We find ourselves trying to eliminate all potential treasures. We develop a protective belief that is often unconscious, that if we could just do it right or just get it right, that things would be okay. But also, since we can't do it right or get it right, and a part of us absolutely knows that, we're left really feeling on edge, knowing we will eventually get it wrong, and wanting to be always ready to respond to that.    

Robyn: When I was working directly with kids, and we'd get to the trauma processing part of treatment, we'd often discover together that the child believed that if they could stay in chronic protection mode, which was definitely what was causing the challenging behaviors like oppositionality, defiance, lying or stealing, they had this belief that if they could just stay in chronic protection mode, that they'd stay safer. And this isn't necessarily a conscious thought. So through the therapeutic experience, kind of, depending on the child's age, we could begin to bring awareness to that underlying belief, like through play and through the work we were doing together in the office, that kind of unconscious belief would often kind of rise to the surface. Most of the kids I worked with had a trauma history where they hadn't been protected by adults. Developmentally, when kids have a sense that their grown-ups aren't protecting them, they begin to believe that they must protect themselves. They begin to believe that they can protect themselves. And y'all Thank goodness they believe this otherwise the reality of not being kept safe by the people who were supposed to keep them safe, the reality of that would cause that child to just completely come undone. It's such a disorganizing experience that there would be this sense truly of just coming undone.   

Robyn: I usually worked with kids who were now in safe homes, and it was theoretically safe for them to trust their grown-ups to keep them safe. Now I want to acknowledge that simply moving from an abusive home into an adoptive home actually isn't a guarantee actually at all of moving into a safe, safer place. So it feels important to acknowledge that, but also in my work with families in my office, we were generally speaking able to have that belief that a child who had previously been unsafe was now living in a family who could keep them safe. But these kids I was working with, they still really felt like they couldn't let their guard down, and they were really living in chronic, "What's Up?" or, "Ready For Action" level Watchdog or kind of chronic, "La La Land." When I was working with these kids, they could really, really relate to the idea that their Watchdog or their Possum was just very, very tired. It was so overworked. And these kids could feel this in their bones, and sometimes it was unconscious, and I could see that, like inner knowing expressed more through play or metaphor, as opposed to through their words. But without question, there was a part of them that knew they were exhausted.    

Robyn: So with these kids, we would talk about how when we're tired, right, like when people are tired, we actually tend to make more mistakes, not less, and that our Watchdogs believe that being constantly on guard is really good and really important and keeping us safer, but actually it's decreasing safety. And these kids and I would work on the idea that if they could feel safe when they are safe, their Watchdog could rest, their Owl could take over, and their Watchdog would then have the energy it needed to respond in the future when something really was wrong. Obviously, talking about this wasn't enough, right? I didn't have kids in my office, and we talked about it and made this, you know, grand discovery, and voila, everything's fine. Now it simply just doesn't work like that. If it did, y'all could probably do that with your kids at home, right? Talking about it isn't quite enough. But even though talking about it's not enough, identifying that truth, right? That their Watchdog would actually keep them safer if it could rest when it was safe, talking about that truth was still important even though it wasn't enough, it was really important to identify that truth and to help kids' owl brains begin to just consider it as a possibility.    

Robyn: Now y'all the reason I'm talking about this is because the same thing is true for us grown-ups. I know it feels that you need to stay on alert, that you can't let your guard down, because as soon as you do, something bad will happen. If it feels that way for you, I'm wondering what it would be like to ask yourself, does letting down your guard truly increase the likelihood that something bad will happen? Without question, sometimes when we let down our guard, we become a little complacent, and we back off the structure and the scaffolding and the co-regulation and all the things that our kids really need in order to feel safe and regulated. You know, when things are going well, we start to turn our attention to other parts of life, just like regular parts of life, and then the next thing we know, some part of that lack of structure or decreased supervision or co-regulation does result in a Watchdog or Possum moment, and now you're feeling whiplash right, which we talked about kind of recently on the podcast, that feeling of being whiplash. So I think it can be important to ask ourselves, does this feeling of being whiplashed? Does this feel the same as if I let my guard down, something bad will happen? And then I wonder if it would be possible for us to just kind of play around with the potential reality that getting complacent is actually an inevitable part of this experience that when we move away from highly stressful experiences and we start to ease back into a felt sense of safety, we do start to kind of quote-unquote let our guard down, or become quote-unquote more complacent.    

Robyn: So because of that truth, I don't want us to attempt to have any kind of self-talk that focuses on trying to not get complacent, because, again, it's pretty inevitable that we're going to kind of shift into that, letting our guard down, way of being. So I wonder if, instead of holding on to this belief of I'm just gonna not get it complacent, could there be a way we play around with something that sounds like, yeah, you know, I don't want things to get back to the worst ever times. But I also know that if things get really hard again, I can figure it out, because my capacity for tolerating dysregulation has increased and my child's window of tolerance has increased too. Now I totally get that that might feel too hard. I mean, it might feel like if things get really hard again, you can't handle it and you can't figure it out. And there's a fine line between kind of shifting our thoughts and essentially trying to gaslight ourselves, right? So I get it, if that idea that you could handle it. If that doesn't feel true at all, yeah, I get it, then it would make a lot of sense that you'd stay braced and on alert, and then in that sensation of walking on eggshells, it can feel like there's just two choices, whiplash or eggshells. And I think it's valid to make the choice of which one do you like better. Does it feel better to chronically feel like you're walking on eggshells, or does it feel better to kind of take a breath feel safe when you are safe, knowing that it's probably inevitable that at some point you're gonna feel that whiplash?    

Robyn: And again, I think choosing between the two of those is a valid choice. But I also think it might be useful to ask yourself, if that walking on eggshells feeling, does it prevent the whiplash? Maybe notice, how long does it take you to feel okay again after the whiplash? Now, if you have a kid whose window of tolerance has been growing and intense dysregulation is decreasing to the point where you are feeling whiplash sometimes that I think it could also be true that your window of stress tolerance is growing, and maybe your recovery periods after episodes of dysregulation is easier or shorter, maybe can come back to baseline a little more quickly. And if that is true for you, I also then wonder what it's like to notice that your recovery periods are shorter that you come back to baseline a little more quickly.  

Robyn: Neurochemically, it makes sense that you'd have a whiplash sensation if your body begins to risk shifting into feeling safe, and then all of a sudden, there's an incident that leaves you feeling very unsafe, you're going to have an intense, fast danger, danger, danger, neurochemical reaction that's going to then, in a way, mixed with all of your memories of living in danger, danger, pretty regularly, right? And then, in in an attempt to help you make meaning out of the situation which our brain is super obsessed with making meaning out of things, your mind might try to convince you something like, see, I knew it, as soon as I let my guard down, terrible things will happen. Your mind really, really wants to believe that you can predict all the bad things that are going to happen, which is interesting because essentially, the brain's number one job is, in fact, you predict what's about to happen next. We learned about that in the All Behavior Makes Sense episode.    

Robyn: So the brain really wants to predict what's about to happen next. And when you can't, when something unexpected or surprising happens that can feel terrifying, which really puts us in quite a pickle, because one, our brains are pretty obsessed with predicting the future, but two, that's actually impossible, and folks with unpredictability and vulnerability in their lives are the ones facing this truth over and over and over and over again with a lot of intensity. I want to predict the future, but I can't predict the future. I want to predict the future, but I can't predict the future. So it makes a lot of sense that you're going to keep trying to predict the future and stay in that sensation of walking on eggshells. You can't, though, predict the future, and the constant eggshell walking is actually hurting you and probably making you less likely to have the resilience that you need to manage the inevitable future dysregulation. So in this moment, I'd ask you to just pause and notice what it's like to be with both truths. You want to predict the future, but you can't predict the future, and the eggshell walking right? That is your way of trying to control the future. It's actually decreasing your ability to manage the inevitable future dysregulation.    

Robyn: Then ask yourself if it's okay to risk feeling safe when you are safe, even if you know with certainty that you won't feel safe at moments in the future. Can I say that again? Is it okay to risk feeling safe when you are safe, even if you know with certainty that you won't feel safe at moments in the future, that there will, without question, still be episodes of dysregulation in your home to respond to. Robyn: Then take a breath, and just like in last week's episode, send some gratitude to your Watchdog and your Possum brain that is just working so, so hard to keep you safe. The antidote to that sensation of chronic walking on eggshells is to practice feeling safe when you are safe and then noticing is it okay to feel safe when I am safe? Okay? We're gonna practice all that while we're also still gonna send so much compassion and gratitude for our Watchdog and Possum parts that are working so hard to keep us safe and keeping us on edge. Okay? We're gonna have an opportunity for both of those things to be true, okay, that it's safe to feel safe when we are safe, but also that that's really hard for our Watchdogs and Possums to believe, and we're going to send them so much compassion and gratitude until they feel safe enough to risk believing that.    

Robyn: If you missed last week's episode on gratitude for the watchdog and the possum brains, whether it's yours or your kids, go there Next, scroll back. Just one episode. It was last week's 200th episode of The Baffling Behavior Show, and I think it is such an important concept, which is why I made it my 200th episode. And if you missed the episode from a couple weeks ago about how all behavior makes sense, then head back there after that. Okay, so that was just episode 198 though I did a couple replays in between, so it's a few back. So gratitude for your watchdog and possum, and then this fierce belief and the idea that all behavior makes sense, including if it's feeling impossible for you to shift out of that space of walking on eggshells. I get it. I get it. That can be true right now, and it can also be true that one day you'll have enough safety to consider the possibility of feeling safe when you are safe. This episode is airing during the week of US Thanksgiving, and y'all around the world, I think we are feeling in the thick of holiday chaos and intensity. So with that in mind, a couple things, we always open up the club for just a handful of days at the beginning of December for those of you who could use a little support navigating the holiday chaos.    

Robyn: My team and I take a break from producing new podcast episodes, usually about mid-December to mid-January, and instead, we replay episodes that I think will be especially helpful to you during those holiday weeks. But it's the end of the year. I'm ready for a little break. My team is ready for a little break, and so we take just some time off to rest and regroup ourselves so that we can be ready to serve you again in the new year, and my first episode back in January. I think it might be January 14. I have a really, really special episode planned for y'all. I cannot wait to share it with you, as always y'all Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. My thankfulness and gratitude for you, especially during this holiday week here in the US, is just enormous. I'm so thankful for each of you who hit play. There's some part of you who is wanting so much to see kids in a different way, or to see yourself in a different way. And I know that for some of you, this is easier than it is for others of you. Some of you are hitting play every week, and you are still just struggling. So, so, so, so hard, and I'm so glad that you keep risking it, you keep hitting play, you keep letting me come into your ears. You keep letting me surround you with compassion and gratitude. And I am so grateful, so thankful for that.    

Robyn: If you have a moment and you want to contribute to the possibility of other folks finding this information all about parenting kids with vulnerable nervous systems. From a relational neuroscience perspective, you can do two things that are super, super helpful to us. One, just leave a quick rating or review on the podcast and whatever podcast app you listen to, or if you've read Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, we would be so grateful for a review over on Amazon, even if you didn't buy it on Amazon, but getting those reviews is probably one of the best ways that you can help us spread this information so that all of the adults in the world, and especially all of the adults who interact with our kids can be exposed to these ideas and can be with our kids in a new and unique way that will actually help their nervous system heal and grow. Alrighty. Y'all, I'll be back here again with you next week. Bye!