Enabling vs. Low-Demand Parenting {EP 144}

Robyn: Today we are talking about the difference between 'Enabling or Low Demand Parenting' or 'Codependent versus Co-regulation.' It's a topic that was inspired by folks in the club. It's actually something we've been talking about, on and off for, like a couple months. But then two weeks ago, I aired that podcast with Amanda Diekman, right with Low-Demand Parenting and her new book and what low-demand parenting even is and what that's done for her family. And it's kind of kicked up those conversations in the club. Again, like what's enabling what's lowering demands? How do we know the difference? And really underneath that question is, how do I as the adult regulate myself through the fear of ‘We're not quite sure if this is the right thing to do. I'm not quite sure if this approach is the right move for me or my child.’ And that's a really valid fear. I think that's a pretty valid fear in general with an outside-the-box of traditional parenting styles, right? Like, like what we talked about on here, parenting with the brain in mind, is new. I mean, even at my house, I sometimes look at my husband, and I'm like, this is like one big giant experiment, are we doing it right? And then that, of course, kind of begs the question of like, what does right even mean? 

Robyn: Anyway, I'm gonna get off track right now the big, philosophical question. Let's get back to how do we know if we're not just enabling really bad behavior? So I went, of course, in the most obvious place, and I went to Google, I was like, what, what is even our definition? What's the working definition of enabling? And that was really interesting. The definition of enable, if we're not talking about mental health is simply to give someone or something, the authority or the means to do something, or to make something operational to activate. So that's a really interesting thing to keep in mind. That's outside the mental health field. Enable doesn't have a negative connotation at all. It's to give someone or something the authority or the means to do something. Okay. So hold that in mind for just a second because then I did go to what the American Psychological Association defines enabling as, and what they wrote is that enabling is one: a process whereby someone IE the enabler, contributes to continued maladaptive or pathological behavior in another person. But even the APA goes on to give a second definition of enabling. And they write the process of encouraging or allowing individuals to meet their own needs and achieve desired ends. So clearly, when folks are worried about enabling behavior, they're worried about that first definition, right? That we're kind of unwittingly or unintentionally behaving in a way that's contributing to continued quote-unquote, maladaptive or pathological behavior. And I get that. That's a really common fear in parenting, am I helping or hurting and it's really sometimes hard to know the difference. So that's what we're going to dive into here. Now, in order to contrast, enabling with co-regulation or lowering demands, let's talk about the science behind the concepts of lowering demands like Amanda Diekman talked about two weeks ago, in the Low-Demands, podcast. Demands, and expectations all elicit a stress response. Now, stress is not inherently bad. I have a whole episode all about the stress response system. It's episode 94. I'll link to that in the show notes. Stress is not inherently bad, in fact, stress is a necessary piece of growth. All of us have different levels in which demands move from being hard to TOO hard. Remember how in the episode from two weeks ago with Amanda Diekman, she talks about the distinction between hard versus too hard, and hard versus too hard is different for absolutely every single one of us. 

Robyn: Now, if you're listening to this podcast, you likely have a child with a vulnerable nervous system for any host of reasons, maybe your child has a  history of trauma, maybe your child has some neurodiversity, it could be so many things, and it could be no known reason at all, you just know that your child has a sensitized stress response system. Now, to strengthen the stress response system, the very first thing we have to do is to lower the stress to the point where the stress response system can take a break. An overactive and sensitized stress response system is kind of like stuck in a pattern of constantly having a significant stress response to even low amounts of stressors. And the low amount of stressor could be right and your family could be like, it's time to do our homework, it's time to go to school, it's time to put our shoes away, I need you to wait five minutes before dinner is served because it's not quite ready. All of these things are stressors, and all of us are continually managing the stress of life, you know, like on a moment-to-moment basis, life is stressful. When we have a resilient stress response system, we can navigate feelings of disappointment or feelings of I don't want to do that in a way that we regulate through those feelings, right? Without kind of going bananas. If our stress response system is exceptionally sensitized, teeny tiny, little regular day-to-day life stressors, elicit an enormous stress response. If we want to strengthen the stress response system, we have to lower the stress, we have to lower the demands, we have to find a way for the demands of life, the regular moment-to-moment, everyday demands, move into that category of hard instead of too hard. Then once we've done that, and we've relieved the stress response to some of the burden of being constantly activated, and then often over-activated, because it's so sensitive, right? Once we've done that, then we can strengthen the stress response system by helping our kids experience stress that is moderate, predictable and tolerable. And that's based on the work of Dr. Bruce Perry and his studies and clinical research around the stress response system. 

Robyn: Now, what is moderate and tolerable amounts of stress? So the thing is, is that that's completely subjective. What's a moderate and tolerable for me isn't the same as what's moderate and tolerable for you. It isn't the same as what's moderate and tolerable for my kid or my husband, we all have different definitions of what's moderate and tolerable. And, sure, some of this is going to be based on our histories. And if we have, you know, a really sensitized stress response system due to adverse experiences, right, like due to too much stress, but a lot of this is just temperament. Okay, so we really have to remember that moderate and tolerable amounts of stress are totally subjective, it's going to really vary based on so many factors, including just our inborn biological temperament, and our neurotype. So this then is where we fall back to the absolute number one most important parenting tool, which is attunements. And then the second most important parenting tool is repair. Because perfect, attunement isn't possible we're never going to strive for perfect attunement, the work of Dr. Ed Tronick. Makes it really clear that even the most attuned parenting are attuned to their kids around 30% of the time. That's a lot of times we're out of attunement, even in what Tronick and other researchers in our field would call good enough parenting, which really just means that kind of parenting that tends to lead to the outcome of secure attachment. 30% Okay, so what that means is, there's a lot of times with our kids, even when we're doing amazing, that we’re falling out of attunement. So yes, the number one skill in parenting is attunement, the second skill is repair, because we are inevitably going to be out of attunement with our kids, we are inevitably going to, quote-unquote, mess up and I have a whole other podcast episode, all about rupture repair. That's episode 80. I'll make sure a link to it goes in the show notes. Sometimes y'all we're just going to create too much stress for our kids. And sometimes we're going to do it because we're trying to, like strengthen their stress response system, essentially, right? Like we're trying to help them grow and their tolerance for stress, we're trying to help them grow what's hard, instead of growing what's too hard, right? And sometimes we're gonna get it wrong, like, sometimes we're gonna really insist on an expectation, on our kids only to kind of decide later, like, I think that one was too hard. And sometimes we're going to do the opposite. Sometimes, we're going to set demands or expectations that are too low, and not trust our children's capacity to be okay, when they're not okay, and to offer them the co-regulation that their neural circuitry needs in order to really grow and strengthen their stress response system. Either way, you know, making things too hard, or not hard enough. Either way, we're going to do it. And so we're just going to learn the wonderful art of repair. And again, you're gonna go back to my previous episode all about rupture repair, to learn more about the art of repair. 

Robyn: So how do we know the difference then between enabling, which I think would mean lowering the demands too much, versus rebuilding the stress response system? And what I have found in all of my years of clinical practice, working with kids working with parents, being present and curious about the state of my own nervous system, the number one thing that we can turn to, to determine if we are lowering demands too much and shifting into enabling or lowering demands just enough so that we then have the ability to strengthen the stress response system is what is the state of my nervous system? What is the state of the nervous system of the grown-up who's making the decision to lower demands is that person's nervous system, making the decision to lower demands from a state of connection, or protection? Now, if you're new around here, connection or protection is a concept I'm talking about all the time. It was one of my very, very, very first podcasts ever. So in fact, I probably should update it because I'm imagining that my understanding of connection or protection has probably changed, you know, since I recorded that episode a couple of years ago, but you can go all the way back in the podcast app and look for a very early episode called connection or protection, I will find what number that is, and I'll put it down in the show notes and link you to it. But we're so often talking about connection or protection, the state of our nervous system with relation to our kids. And it's really important to take all of this information and apply it to ourselves as well. Am I in my owl brain? Or am I in my watchdog or possum brain? Am I lowering this demand? From a place of seeing my kids struggle? And knowing that they need help, right? Like it's too hard? Or am I lowering this demand from a place of me being really uncomfortable with their struggle, and therefore I'm not exactly decreasing their demands for them? I'm actually kind of doing it more for me because I'm having such a hard time tolerating that distress. When I'm lowering demands for me, because I'm having a hard time tolerating their distress, that is almost always coming from my nervous system, being in a state of protection somewhere on the watchdog or the possum pathway. When I'm lowering demands, because of attunements and wanting to find the sweet spot of stress for my child that is an appropriate amount of stress load for their stress response system, I'm typically making those choices from a nervous system and a state of connection or from my own owl brain. 

Robyn: So let me give you an example, a really low-stakes example. It’s an example I've maybe even used before. I want you to imagine watching a preschooler work on a puzzle. And they're getting frustrated and can't make the pieces fit, starting to demonstrate signs of frustration. Maybe they're whining, maybe their movements are getting a little jerky or a little more forceful. So then, as the observing caregiver, we have a choice here. Do we reduce or eliminate their struggle by finding the peace for them? Or do we offer co-regulation and support through the struggle? So the question is, when does it shift from hard to too hard, and deciphering this for our kids comes from a place of attunement, one to ourselves and then attunement to our kids. So we're taking in some, we're keeping in mind, like all the things we know about our child, just in general, like what do we know about them and how they manage stress and do problem-solving and all that kind of stuff. But also, what do we know about that child in this exact moment, right, offer all sorts of reasons. All of us have a lot of variations and our ability to tolerate stress, right? Like sometimes I have got capacity to tolerate enormous amounts of stress. Sometimes I have the capacity to tolerate very, very little stress. And knowing the difference for myself comes with self-attunement, knowing the difference for your child is going to come with attunement to them and everything you know about them in this exact moment, as well as everything you know about them from your entire relationship with them. When they first start to struggle, or they're in like a low level of arousal or activation, you can offer some support with co-regulation. If you solve the puzzle for them, then they're really missing that opportunity to strengthen their stress response system, experience mastery, explore their own problem-solving skills, which all of these things are very, very important. Learning the felt sense in our bodies of things can be not okay, and then be okay again. I can be okay even when I'm not okay. All of those beliefs that we end up storing in our own bodies and our own nervous systems come from having experiences of being kind of not okay. Right and having somebody co-regulate us through being not okay, it basically comes from having stress experiences that are predictable, moderate and tolerable, like Perry says, But as you're watching this child do this puzzle, there might come a point where they've struggled for long enough, right? It shifts from This was hard to This is too hard. They're distressed. It's just not tolerable anymore. It's not moderate for them. And so you help them find the piece and solve the puzzle. Now what they're learning, which is different than learning, I can be okay when I'm not okay. Or I can do hard things and figure it out, even when they're hard and stressful. Now instead, what they're learning is equally as important, which is I can trust others to help me when I need help. And the difference between the two, the difference between hard and too hard is not something I can tell you about, right? It's something that comes from your attunement with yourself. And then with your child. Some of you have kids who need really, really, really low demands and expectations, in order for the stress that they're experiencing, to be predictable, moderate, and tolerable. And some of you, if you lowered the demand that much for your kid, your kid wouldn't experience enough stress. They don't need the demand lowered that much. They need to have a predictable and regulated adult co-regulate them through their distress. So how do you determine the difference? You grow your attunement to yourself so that you can then grow an attunement to your child. And then when you get it wrong, and you lower the demand too much, or you don't lower the demand enough, you offer a repair. So we want to start to determine the difference between these two questions. Am I lowering the demand for my child? Because it's too hard for me to tolerate the distress? Is it too hard for me to stay regulated? And then offer co-regulation through their distress? Or am I lowering the demand because it's too hard for them? And again, there's that difference between hard and too hard? So when my child is dysregulated is my nervous system shifting into protection mode? Now, It's almost certainly going to at first, the question really isn't, ‘Does my nervous system shift into protection mode?’ That's totally normal and just a part of being human. But does it shift it to protection mode and stay in protection mode? Which then means I'm making kind of decisions about what to do next from a nervous system that leaves us in danger? Or can I shift back into connection mode before making any decisions about it being hard or too hard? So am I making the choice to lower the demand from my owl brain or from my watchdog or possum brain? 

Robyn: Now how can we tell the difference? Well, mostly we can tell the difference. By taking a lot of moments, and a lot of opportunities by fiercely and curiously getting to know our own owl, watchdog and possum brain. And now we talk a lot about our kids, owl, watchdog and possum brain. But we can use all that information to really get to know ourselves as well. And if you're a member of the club, you know that we actually spend maybe even more time on that than we do on talking about our kids owl, watchdog, and possum brain, maybe it's not more maybe it's probably pretty equal. But I think there's some pretty classic moments when I work with families where there's a shift where we kind of shift from lots of focus on what's happening to our kids, to lots of focus on what's happening for us. And we do that without judgment. We do that with a lot of curiosity and self-compassion. And we really really grow in attunement to ourselves. That's the way we know, “Am I lowering demands from a nervous system as in connection mode or a nervous system that's in protection mode? Am I lowering demands, making our brain choices? Or am I lowering demands, because I believe I'm in danger and I'm making that decision for my watchdog or possum brain?” Now it's very common for me to not even really know the difference until after the fact just like you I am still really growing in my own self-attunement. I am constantly working on it and there are still some times where I actually kind of think I am in my owl brain it feels like I'm making a good boundary from my owl brain from being in connection mode, only to realize later that I actually probably made that decision from maybe more of like a possum- people pleasing space. Or sometimes I kind of make decisions about setting a boundary lowering demands or not from a what's up watchdog space. I think I'm owl brain. But in retrospect, I reflect back on it and I can see how I ended up making a decision from a space of, “Uh oh, things aren't okay, how do I make them, okay?” Now, the only way that I continue to grow in my own self-awareness and my own discernment from being in connection mode versus being in protection mode, is to have enough self-compassion for myself, that I'm willing to reflect back on it and I don't judge my possum brain, or my watchdog brain, I can be with and notice, you know, connection mode versus protection mode, with a lot of compassion, and a lot of curiosity. Many of us grew up in families where the grown-ups struggled to regulate themselves. And that looks a lot of different ways. But I think an overall accurate statement is just to say, we grew up in families where the grownups struggled to regulate themselves. So what happens then, when we were kids, we learned how important it was to kind of disconnect from or even abandon ourselves, and do whatever we could, that would allow our grown-up to stay regulated and present. We really, really, really needed that, this was super brilliant. But now it does come with some challenges, and that it's hard for some of us to know our own true selves. And we tend to prioritize helping other people feel better so that we can feel better, which sometimes seems altruistic and caring and can even feel like co-regulation in the moment. But when we take a step back, what happens is, we realize that we actually made that choice because we needed to feel better. It's just kind of a means to an end, to help ourselves feel better. So words like enabling or codependence, those kinds of behaviors, we can think about how they come from wanting to relieve ourselves of our own discomfort. And the tricky thing then with enabling or codependence is that the individual the other individual, our kids here, aren't getting the practice that they need. And being okay, when things are hard, not too hard, just hard. Behaviors that we'd call enabling our codependent come from a nervous system as in protection mode. Whereas co-regulation, lowering demands with attunement comes from connection mode comes from our owl brain. With our owl brain, we can hold our children's struggle, like energetically, and then use our attunement and our own discernment to know the difference between hard and too hard. When it's hard. We can offer support and co-regulation when it's too hard we can lower demand and expectations and when we get it wrong, we can repair. 

Robyn: If you're noticing that you might lean more toward enabling and codependence. Here's your first step. First of all, don't shame yourself. Don't feel embarrassed about that. My guess is a lot of my listeners struggle with behaviors that we would maybe label enabling or codependency. I don't love either of those words. I don't tend to call behaviors either of those things. But I know those are common words and our language and their words that we kind of all understand what each other means when we say them. So first of all, no shame, no blame, no judgment, okay? Then when you notice yourself, behaving in ways or making choices for yourself or your kids that are coming more from protection mode and leaning more towards behaviors of enabling or codependence. You've got to just notice it first notice it without any judgment without changing it. So you'll notice probably after the fact at first, unless you have a lot of experience doing this already, you're going to be noticing it after the fact you'll like reflect back on a situation. And you'll be like, Oh, I think I made that decision or I think I lowered that demand or I think I gave in or whatever language you're using. Because I was in protection mode and it was really coming more from a place of codependence, you're just going to notice it. You are not going to judge it. Eventually, you will work up to noticing it even in the moment but noticing it and being able to make it safe choice or do something different or noticing you're in protection mode doesn't mean you're going to be able to shift into connection mode and make choices of co-regulation instead of codependence, right? like that noticing doesn't always come with the ability to change. What I have found so so so key in that kind of interim stage of noticing without yet being able to make a different choice is to notice, and then just be thoughtful, be deliberate, be honest, that you're gonna lower the demands and expectations, because you can't tolerate the distress of your child. Right? That you have to do it without judgment, you have to do it without judgment, just be honest. And say, like, in this moment, I cannot tolerate their distress. And I'm going to lower the demand, not because I think my child needs the demand lowered, but because I need the demand on myself lowered, okay? So if you're at the store, and your child's really dysregulated, because you said no to something that they want, and then you decide to just get it for them. Because you cannot regulate through their distress in public. Just acknowledge it. Just be honest with yourself. It's like, think of it like this, think of it like lowering demands for yourself, just say to yourself “Self, I don't have it in me right now to co-regulate my child through this distress right now. So I'm going to do anything I can to eliminate this distress or demand.” And yeah, that's gonna look like giving in to what they want. And in this case, we're really talking still about demands that if you could regulate your child through, they could probably tolerate it. So we're talking about demands for your kid that probably does fall in the hard, not too hard category, but for you, co-regulating them through their distress is falling into the too hard category. We're just going to be honest about it and honest with absolutely no judgement, bringing awareness to this truth without any judgement. Just noticing it and acknowledging it with compassion. Saying things like this is too hard for me right now. I cannot regulate through this in this moment in this store and public with everything else that's going on in my life right now. I just can't regulate through. Regulating through and co-regulating my child through their distress is too much distress for me. So I'm going to alleviate my kid's distress and buy them this thing that they want, even though I originally said I wouldn't. Because co-regulating them through their disappointment is too hard for me in this moment. And again, we're doing this without judgment towards ourselves. 

Robyn: It's the bringing of awareness and that self-attunement that strengthens our own owl brain. Maybe you've noticed that it shifts us from making the decision from our watchdog or our possum brain right back into our owl brain. And that tiny little moment of shifting, even though the shift isn't, “I'm going to figure out how to co-regulate my child through their distress. The shift is I don't have it in me to co-regulate my child through their distress right now. So I'm going to do anything possible to reduce their distress that is still coming from self-attunement that is still coming from the owl brain. And in these tiny little micro-moments is how we strengthen our stress response system. We shift from protection into connection and now we are actually indeed moving towards co-regulation instead of codependence. We're moving toward lowering demands and building that stress response system. Instead of enabling. Y'all this discussion is such a perfect example of how knowing and doing are not even close to being the same thing. Our owl brains can know all sorts of great stuff. And then our stress response system is overactive we shift really hard on the watchdog or possum pathway. And we can't do all those things that our owl brain knows to do, like co-regulate our kids to the distress, no matter how much we know that that's what our kids need, being able to actually do it is not the same thing. And also, of course, this is true for our kids, our kids know all sorts of things that they simply can't do. And that's just because of their stressful response system shifting into protection mode, and their owl brain flies away. We're taking everything we've learned about our kids, and we're applying it to ourselves so we can really grow and strengthen our own compassion. As our own owl brain strengthens, we're going to gather more clarity around am, “I making this particular parenting decision from a place of enabling or from a place of a tuned lowering demands, because the initial demand was too hard, and I've got to bring it down to hard.” 

Robyn: Now, I talked a lot about owls, watchdogs, and possums. And if you're confused about that, there's a few places you can go to learn more about owls, watchdogs, and possums, which is just my playful way of helping both kids and parents understand the nervous system. So it's all based on the science of polyvagal theory, the science of the neuro-sequential model of therapeutics, and the science of interpersonal neurobiology. But since I was a play therapist, and I have had so many cool opportunities to connect with kids about these different really complex concepts, it's allowed me to kind of develop a way to explain these concepts to the grownups as well. So to get more information about owls, watchdogs, and possums, you're gonna go to my website, and you're gonna go to Robyngobbel.com/webinar, you're going to either or both watch a short webinar, about an hour, it's free. And or you can download my free ebook focused on the nervous system to change behavior. So it's a very short, very simplified overview of the nervous system, looking at behaviorists through the lens of the nervous system, and learning about owls, watchdogs, or possums. And then to dive really deep into owls, watchdogs, and possums, you can go to  Robyngobbel.com/book and either order or pre-order my book depending on when you're hearing this, the book comes out September 21, 2023. And it is a deep dive into the nervous system, owls, watchdogs, and possums. Growing the owl brain, calming the watchdog and the possum brain. And then of course, if you need help implementing all of these concepts into your life or into your family's life, I'd love for you to come and join us over in the club have worked really hard to provide different levels of scaffolding. Some of you don't need something like the club, and you're going to be great just with reading a book or even just reading that short little ebook and listening to the podcast. Some of you need some help with implementing all of it. Neither is right or wrong. And I've tried really hard to create different levels of support for you based on what you need based on what is hard or too hard for you individually. If you're finding this podcast helpful, you can hit subscribe to the podcast in your podcast app that'll make sure you always get the newest episode, you can rate and review the podcast if you're on Apple or Spotify especially. I’d be super grateful for a rating or review because that helps other people find the podcast and the more people who see our kids behaviors through this lens the better for our kids, right? So rate or review it if you're on Apple or Spotify. And then if you do social media, head over to Facebook or Instagram. On Facebook, I'm Robyn Gobbel, MSW, and on Instagram. I'm robyn.gobbel. If you have folks in your life, who are also confused about the difference between enabling or lowering demands in order to decrease distress stress, send them to this episode. I hope it can really help you all. As always, thank you, thank you, thank you for everything you do to show up for yourself, to show up for kids to show up for folks in the world with really vulnerable nervous systems. Isn't it fascinating how we are always asking the most vulnerable to do the hardest work. And I really think it's through these kinds of experiences, listening to this podcast, being in relationship with folks with vulnerable nervous systems that we can really shift that narrative, that those of us with less vulnerability in our nervous systems, we can be the ones that are really doing the heavy work to make things better for those with more vulnerabilities and more sensitivities. I will see you back here again, on next week's episode of The Baffling Behavior Show!