When Your Nervous System is Fried {EP 139}

I am coming to you live from my home office and studio outside Grand Rapids, Michigan, where I live with my husband, and my teenager, and the chickens, and our Labradoodle. We came here about four years ago after relocating from Austin, Texas. In Austin, I was a therapist working with kids with histories of complex trauma, significant attachment trauma, most of the families I've worked with are adoptive families. When I moved here to Grand Rapids, it was just briefly right before the pandemic. And due to some things happening in my own personal life, as well as the global pandemic that came upon us, I made some shifts in the way I work with families, help families, help kids, and ultimately, that has led to this podcast. 

So now instead of being a therapist, I'm here podcasting for you. I'm a teaching, and training, and I have a book coming out in September, and just working really hard to make more resources available to you, including more professionals that are out there in the world who know how to help these most vulnerable families. These kids with the most baffling behaviors, and to do it with a compassionate neuroscience, yet boundaried approach. The podcast is, ahh, about two and a half years old. And just recently, we made a name change from the Parenting After Trauma podcast to The Baffling Behavior Show. And if you're curious about that name change, you can scroll back just a couple episodes to an episode called Making Sense of Baffling Behaviors. 

Today, what I want to spend a little time talking about is what to do when our own nervous system is totally fried. That living with folks with significant vulnerability in their nervous system, which can lead to a very sensitized stress response system, which leads to folks behaving in unpredictable and sometimes unsafe ways. And at the very least, these confusing behaviors, these overwhelming behaviors, and yes, what we call these baffling behaviors. It is leaving our own nervous system totally fried. We talk a lot about secondary trauma in parenting kids with a history of trauma, but the truth is that parenting, or loving, being in relationship with somebody with significant dysregulation and their nervous system is trauma. It's not secondary trauma. It's trauma. It’s traumatic to live with somebody whose nervous system is in a chronic protection mode. And I say that without any criticism. I you're new to the show, that might feel unfamiliar to you, but a core value that I hold Is that all behavior makes sense. We're all doing the very best that we can in every unfolding moment and that includes our kids. Yet, I also hold strongly to the value of authenticity and coherence and just speaking honestly and plainly about what's really happening. And it is traumatic to live with somebody in chronic protection mode. I have a previous episode called When Parenting is Traumatic. It looks like that was episode 95. So if this episode resonates with you, you might want to scroll back and listen to that one next. 

When we live with or in close relationship with somebody who is in chronic protection mode, our own nervous system is going to now hang out in protection mode, or in fight flight, or collapse, or on the watchdog pathway, or the possum pathway. Whatever language we want to use here, our own nervous systems are going to stay in that place of protection long term. And the human nervous system is not really designed for that. We are designed to have bursts of protection mode bursts of moments of noticing we're in danger, and then executing a defensive strategy to protect ourselves from that danger. And those strategies are designed to be fast, and they're designed to help us find safety quickly. So when we find ourselves in circumstances when our nervous system is stuck in chronic protection mode, our nervous system ends up fried. That's not exactly the scientific term, but that's what it feels like. Right? That there's just nothing left, we're burnt to a crisp and feeling completely depleted. We, the adults, aren't getting the co-regulation that we need and deserve. We don't have enough people in our lives to offer us the connection and co-regulation that we need and deserve. And that's largely just a byproduct of, kind of, modern society, and all of the responsibilities that we all have. 

But we're also not getting what we need from the agencies, and the organizations, and the structures that are in place, theoretically, to be able to offer us what we need to care for our very vulnerable children. Yet, so few of you are actually getting what you need from those agencies and organizations. And I know that for a lot of you, it's actually even worse than that. Like not only are you not getting what you need, but what you're getting instead is a lot of blame and shame. Now, that's usually coming from folks who work for these organizations and agencies or have these helper roles who are also in total burnout, who also have nervous systems that are completely fried. They themselves are stuck in protection mode, which leaves us all very vulnerable to shaming and blaming. So while I'm not excusing this behavior, we can make sense of that behavior. And you know that that is one of my core values, that understanding behavior is not excusing behavior. In fact, understanding behavior often allows our nervous systems to shift back into connection mode, which is a much more powerful place to set a good solid boundary form. So we can understand behavior without excusing behavior. I actually also have a podcast episode all about that. And a very fast Google search tells me that that is episode 109. Y'all. My new podcast recording software makes it so easy for me to just stop recording. Like, actually, I just go to Google. I- that's like the easiest place for even me to find my own podcast episodes and figure out what episode number they are. So that I can tell you. So, yeah, apparently it is episode 109 Understanding Behavior vs. Excusing Behavior. 

But anyway, there's all these things that go into why our nervous systems are absolutely fried. We can call this whatever we want. We can call this compassion fatigue. We can call this burned out. We can call this experiencing blocked care with our kids. We can call this having a possum response, being on the possum pathway. We can call it whatever we want. But the bottom line is we are done. There is nothing left, which is a very unfortunate predicament to be in. Because having nothing left isn't really an option we’re afforded it is it? I mean, I know that's true in my life, that there are absolutely moments where I'm like, I cannot do this anymore, I have absolutely nothing left to give. And honestly, it sort of doesn't matter that I have nothing left to give because life keeps chugging along. And not only does the crisis keep chugging along, but like regular life stressors keep happening, which frankly, I have always found to be like just wildly unfair. I mean, if we're going to have a serious crisis, can like normal everyday life stressors, at least pause? I really would love if somebody could figure out how we could order that up. But until then, we have to do both. We have to continue on with all the crises, regular life stressors, and keep going even when it feels like we absolutely cannot keep going. 

So what are some things, some very practical things that we can do about that? I'm going to give you a enormous list here. And none of these things are going to miraculously change how you feel, and they're certainly not going to miraculously change the very real stressors in your life that you need real help for. But, sometimes both can be true. That there can be serious stressors and crises in our life, and we can take teeny, tiny micro steps towards bringing moments of rest to our very, very fried nervous systems. So the absolute number one thing you need to do is just to recognize it. Recognize that the experience you're having is your nervous system being completely depleted, completely fried, completely stuck on the watchdog or the possum pathway. These symptoms that you're experiencing aren't information that suggests you're a bad person, or a bad parent, or a failure, or any other of the negative or pejorative labels that you're giving it. It doesn't mean that at all. I get that your brain wants to make a story or a narrative out of what you're experiencing. And for a lot of us, those are our go to narratives, but they're wrong. The real narrative is my nervous system has been stuck in overdrive, and I am experiencing a very normal, typical, physiological response to being in fight/flight/collapse, being in protection mode, being stuck on the watchdog pathway or the possum pathway for way too long. 

If you're experiencing symptoms that sound like hopelessness or helplessness, or if you notice yourself stuck in a place of blaming and shaming. And maybe that's blaming or shaming yourself, maybe that's blaming or shaming your child. Blame and shame- chronic blame and shame are just symptoms that your nervous system is totally kaput. If you're struggling to see beneath the behaviors, right? If you understand this nervous system approach to behaviors, but you're having a real hard time using that approach, or even caring. Like maybe you're thinking like yeah, yeah, I know that we’re using x-ray vision goggles, I know that we have to see beneath behavior, blah, blah, blah. I just don't care. I just can't be bothered to do that. Well, if those are some of your thoughts, you're not a bad parent, but your nervous system is fried. 

On the flip side of things you might be feeling almost like this intense sense of urgency, like this panic, like, oh my gosh, we have to fix this right now. If this doesn't get fixed right now. What? What's going to happen? Right? That intent sense of urgency. Now, I don't want to minimize the fact that I know a lot of you listening have situations in your family that really have some urgency to them. Like they are really causing harm or danger. And we can honestly recognize that, be truthful about the intensity of the situation, without living in a chronic state of panic. 

You might also be noticing intense shift in your moods and behaviors like huge mood swings, huge shifts in your behaviors. Like maybe you're noticing yourself behaving in ways that feels so confusing to you, so unfamiliar to you, you're like, who even is this, like, I don't even recognize myself anymore. Maybe you're overusing coping skills that are very, very valid, legitimate coping skills. But overusing them does have some kind of challenging long term consequences. So we can probably all bring to mind some coping skills that we have that, in and of themselves, you know, used occasionally are not bad and make perfect sense why we turn to them. But when we use those coping skills long term, that there are some pretty negative consequences that can emerge from them. I think another really big sys- sign or symptom that your nervous system is totally fried, is that you're stepping away from your support system. I know that's a huge one for me. I start to retreat, I go really possum, I go really inside myself. My energetic reach for another human, for connection, for even just a coping skill. An energetic reach, that could help pull my nervous system out of the state of collapse. That energetic reach starts to really disappear. 

So I give you all these examples so that you can kind of recognize or notice that your own nervous system might be in this state of just being totally fried. It's going kaput. This is, of course, not an exclusive list or an exhaustive list. I guess that's probably a better word, an exhaustive list. I mean, there's a lot of signs and symptoms here. Those are the ones that came to mind. Now, once you've recognized that your nervous system has totally gone kaput, don't rush to change it. Now, I know that might seem really counterintuitive, but generally speaking, kind of this rushed, pressured, almost panicky attempt to shift or change something typically comes from protection mode. And as much as that makes perfect sense, it's also true that the nervous system is not going to experience a moment of rest, or a moment of healing, or a moment of integration when it is pressured by our own sense of protectiveness in our nervous system. This desire to bring some healing or a moment of rest or a moment of connection to our nervous system, we really want to see if we can bring that to ourselves from the energetic experience that emerges from what I call connection mode. Now, y'all, if you're newer to my work, or to the podcast, you might be thinking like connection mode? Protection mode? What is that? Well, lucky for us, I have a podcast episode all about connection versus protection. It is one of my first podcast episodes, you're gonna have to scroll all the way back to episode seven. And then you're gonna have to have a lot of grace and compassion for the Robyn who had no idea how to podcast. I can only even imagine what that episode sounds like. But you can still get a really great understanding of connection mode versus protection mode back in episode seven. 

So, again, recognize that your nervous system is fried but don't actually rush to change it. See if you can be with the part of you that is totally burnt out, totally fried. Can you be with that part of you as a part of you instead of as all of you? And maybe not, and that's okay too. And if you can get any sense of separation from it, any little peek of I can see the totally fried parts of my nervous system instead of being consumed by the totally fried parts of my nervous system, that can be really helpful in the long run. Now, again, regardless of whether you can or can't do that, maybe it just feels like all of you. I want you to take a moment to see that part of you, acknowledge it. We want to be with these parts of ourselves the same way we want to be with our kids with vulnerable nervous systems. Right, let's think about how Dr. Payne Bryson and Dr. Siegel in their book, The Power of Showing Up talk about how our kids really need to be safe, seen, soothed in order to feel secure. And what's so beautiful about that is that we can apply those same concepts to ourselves. That we need to be safe, seen, soothed to be secure and the parts of ourselves that are feeling completely fried need to be safe, seen, and soothed. And maybe, maybe we can do that for ourselves. Maybe not. And that's okay, too. But maybe we can do it for ourselves. And so I want you to take a moment to see, can you see the part of you that's totally fried? Can you acknowledge that part of you? Can you be with that part of you in a way that brings safety, and security, and helps that part feel really soothed? 

Now, another step is self compassion. And I know that self compassion sometimes feels wildly impossible. It can feel like it's too risky, it can feel like we don't deserve it, it can feel like it just takes way too much energy and we can't muster that up. I get it. I absolutely get that as much as I believe in, like, the magical powers of self compassion, I also get that sometimes it feels completely out of reach. Now, if that feels true to you, don't despair. Because we can scaffold self compassion. We can go to spaces that overflow with compassion if we can't give compassion to ourselves. We can read books about compassion and self compassion. You can keep coming back to this podcast because I-, hopefully, you feel how much I ooze compassion for you and every single episode. Be in spaces of compassion, watch people give and receive compassion to each other, and maybe even be in a space or a situation where you're giving compassion to other people. Sometimes that can feel like too much. But sometimes, the act of giving compassion actually can scaffold us to be able to receive compassion. Creating spaces that are anchored and grounded in compassion, and really wrap people up and compassion, especially people who feel like they can't yet be with themselves with self compassion is one of the driving forces behind the work that I do, and especially behind The Club, but also, my work inside my professional training program Being With. I saw so powerfully what it means to be totally fried, totally burnt out, totally unable to give ourselves self compassion. But to be in a space with folks that value compassion, like to be in a space of folks where everybody is saying, no, we all deserve compassion. And I want to give compassion, even if I can't receive it. It's so powerful to be in those kinds of spaces. Because there also really comes a point where we kind of do have to pause and say, “huh, if I believe everybody in this space deserves to receive compassion, what makes me so special that I'm like the single one outlying variable that doesn't deserve compassion?”. So we can scaffold self compassion by being in spaces that are grounded in the power of compassion as well as by giving compassion to others. Now I, of course, also have an episode all about self compassion, as well as an episode all about scaffolding. Let me go find the episode numbers. All right, I'm back from a little Googling. Self Compassion episode is episode eight, one of my very first ones. So again, I talk about self compassion probably in almost every episode. If you really want to get into like the nitty gritty of self compassion head all the way back to episode eight. And then my episode on Scaffolding is episode 82. Now, the scaffolding episode is about scaffolding our kids, but this same concept apply. 

Now, I know when we are feeling devastatingly bad, like really bad, it feels like the solution to that has to be huge. Like, the only way I can not feel this bad is if there's some significant major intervention. I- well, I guess I'll just say like, that's how I've felt in the past. And I've talked to a lot of folks who often tend to feel similarly. And it is actually true that if we feel outrageously bad, if our nervous system is totally sunk, and totally in the pits, actually, big, huge bombastic change it's actually isn't even possible. And if we tried, we would just feel overwhelmed by that. We don't really have the resources to do big huge change, right? And so it would be like just one more, almost like message to ourselves, that everything is simply too hard. And that's actually the exact opposite of what we want to do. The research, super clear what I understand about the nervous system, how the nervous system heals, and even just saying things like how the nervous system heals is this huge, gross oversimplification. It is very complex, like what it means to heal, okay? But for today's purposes, we're just going to stay with that kind of language. To heal the nervous system, we actually need to take teeny, tiny steps. Those teeny, teeny tiny steps matter. You know how Dr. Perry talks about how moments of healing for our kids is what is actually powerful? Like more powerful than, you know, some big elaborate treatment plan, what our kids really need are these teeny, tiny little moments of healing that kind of just exist in regular life. That's true for us, too. We need teeny, tiny moments. 

So I'm going to give you a, kind of, generic overview list of some of these teeny, tiny little moments of healing. And then I'm going to read off to you a very specific list that I compiled from Club members. I went into The Club and I said “hey, I'm going to do this episode all about what to do and our nervous system is fried. Tell us what you do”. So we can have like a running list here in The Club. And I'm going to try to have some sort of like, I don't know, downloadable or infographic made out of it so you can have all these ideas in just one place. But I said, “tell me your ideas here. And I'm gonna make a podcast episode all about these ideas, so that I can share them with everyone”. 

So here are kind of my more generic thoughts about teeny tiny steps that matter to bring moments of healing into our nervous system. Hydrate. Pause the podcast right now and go get a big glass of water. In fact, I'm going to pause recording and take a big gulp of my water. All right, I practically just downed that water bottle. I know that when I'm pretty stressed, I stop drinking. I don't know why. Because honestly, at my desk right now, I have three cups. I have three different beverages sitting- no actually four! One was hiding behind one. I have four different things that I could drink sitting on my desk right now. But when I’m really stressed, I stopped drinking them. And y'all, our body needs hydration. So carry around something to drink and then actually drink it. Don't just sit here and look at four different things you could drink on your desk like I do. Okay, hydrate, that was one. 

Try to eat nourishing foods. I know this is a toughy. I know that it's very human to crave quick burst of energy like carbs, and sugar, as well as comfort foods, as well as processed foods, the more stressed we are. That's perfectly human, please do not shame yourself for that. I'm not even going to ask you to try to not eat, you know, carbs, and sugar, and processed foods, and fried foods. Don't stop that. But also see if you can sneak in something that has some nutrition in it. An apple, you know, a cheese stick, a hard boiled egg. See if you can just add in a little bit of nourishment from the foods that you're feeding your body with. 

Think about ways you can sneak in some gentle movement. If your nervous system is totally fried, you should probably not start a marathon training program. But tiny little moments of gentle movements are so helpful for our body, for our body to remember, it's experience of safety, for our body to consider kind of discharging some of that energy. Gentle movement that you like, okay? Don't try to make yourself start a movement routine full of movement you don't like. And movement doesn't have to be running, or exercising, or yoga. Movement can be that you swap out your desk chair for a chair that swivels, Movement can be so small. All I want you to do is be deliberate about it and notice it. Now, if you are somebody who loves to run, or you love to do bootcamp, or you love to do yoga, or whatever, by all means, I'm not telling you not to do those things. I'm just saying that no kind of movement, you know, is getting more accolades than another. Just look for ways to move your body, move it in a way that feels good, and move it in a way that you like and enjoy. 

Find folks to connect with. There's research that I often reference that was done actually with health care practitioners and I've applied it to like social workers, child care worker- or child welfare workers, and parent- the parents that I work with, that shows that those of us working in these highly stressful environments, those of us parenting in these highly stressful environments, where we have this expectation to be focused on other people's emotional experience, while also sort of not paying that much of attention to ours, right? And so I've worked as an emergency room social worker that described my job there, I've worked child welfare that described my job there, I worked as a therapist that describes my job there. And that definitely describes the job of being in relationship with somebody with a highly vulnerable nervous system, right? That there's this expectation that we show up and are available for all of their feelings while suppressing our own. So it is so important that we have places where we can go and express all of those suppressed feelings. All of those honest, authentic feelings, and especially the feelings that you might feel a little embarrassed by, or a little ashamed by. Those ones especially need a place to be expressed and you deserve to have all of those parts of you held, and seen, and most importantly, not judged. While also being held and seen by somebody who isn't gonna let you get stuck there. And that's kind of a special person or a special place, right? A place that's going to let you come and just dump all of your feelings, as big and as yucky as they are, but also is going to help you not get stuck there. So look for those places, look for those relationships. If you have relationships like that, that you've not been paying a lot of attention to lately, see if you can nourish those relationships a little. This is again, one of the reasons I created The Club is that I know so many of you don't have those places. A place where you can be totally honest, not judged for your honest, authentic, very human feelings, even if they're kind of big, and feel kind of yucky, right? Or a lot yucky. Not judged, but also isn't a place where we hang out and get stuck in those places. And of course, I have to give a nod again, to a practice of self compassion, self compassion, self compassion. And if that feels too hard, finding places where compassion is a value, and immersing yourself in the culture of those places, and really, that can even just be reading books, listening to podcasts, right? Surrounding yourself with the energy of compassion, even if you feel like you don't deserve it. Or even if you feel like you can't give it to yourself yet. Just immerse yourself in spaces where compassion is a value. 

Okay? So again, I went into The Club, and I asked in the forum, tell me what you do when your nervous system is feeling completely fried, like what are the teeny tiny little moments of things that you can do that are acts of love and self care to yourself, but also are totally doable? Like they don't feel overwhelming or impossible or out of reach. Here's the list that I received. Going outside in our bare feet and feeling the grass with our bare feet. Getting sunlight on our face. Splashing cold water on our face. Stretching. Showering, and I'm going to interject here as an aside, I'm a big fan of the idea of just add water. Shower, bath, glass of water, tea, something like anything that involves water or liquid is almost always nourishing to our nervous system. Yoga, and this person particularly likes to go to a yoga studio to have the experience of connecting with others and feeling the energy and the nervous systems of others. But we can also do a yoga practice at home. Sleeping or taking a nap. Talking or complaining to a friend who gets it. Having some chocolate. Skipping, or other kinds of silly, fun, big gross motor movement. Distracting ourselves on our phone with a game. Someone said locking themselves in the bathroom with noise canceling earphones and music. Someone else said noticing my feet, and curling my toes, and then noticing my breath. Taking a walk with loud music. Many folks in The Club talked about coming back to this podcast and connecting with a voice of compassion, and hearing the compassion that I work so hard to show up for you with so several people said just pressing play on the podcast. Wait, here's a really funny one. One of my really dear friends and colleagues, previous guests on the show Marti Smith, she's the author of The Connected Therapist, which is a book I recommend so often. But Marti, again an occupational therapist, she's always thinking about the body and vestibular and proprioception. She said that one of the things she does when her nervous system is fried is cuss. And I just giggled at that. And she said, but seriously, think of all the cuss words you know, and think about all the proprioception that we get when we say those words, especially like kind of forcefully or impactfully. And she also talks about when she's like looking for substitutions for those words, right? For maybe folks who shouldn't be saying those words in all sorts of settings and circumstances. She looks for words that have that similar proprioceptive punch with the syllables and the way they kind of pop in our mouths and in our lips. I don't know if I'm saying that all correctly. So Marti, if you're listening, forgive me if I'm not saying that exactly correctly. But y'all just imagine some cuss words, maybe say them out loud, and feel what that feels like in your mouth. And Marti Smith occupational therapist extraordinaire, lets us know that we're getting some proprioception, which is helping our nervous system feel better. And I just got a really good giggle out of that one. Another member said they intentionally seek out foods that are in their favorites, textures, or look at cute animal pictures or videos, or look at fun, sparkly things, things that bring delight, listen to music, put their hand over their hearts. One person said they like to get in the car, go for a short little drive, just to get a drink. Something that's fizzy, or cold, or ideally both. Another member said they like to be silly by jumping on the trampoline, or running through sprinklers, or singing really loud. Someone else said reading a book, having a snack, petting an animal, listening to an audiobook, scrolling all the silliness on TikTok, walking their dog, sitting outside on the patio, knitting or crocheting. One member said they come into The Club when their nervous system is fried, and don't have to participate, but can just read and remind themselves that they're not alone. As well as reading the way that we are all with each other with compassion. Someone else said, having a hot drink or a cold drink, crunching snacks like ice or nuts or an apple, having nice smelling lotion to rub on their hands. Someone said having grape bubble gum and I giggled at that because I also love grape bubblegum and in fact, just bought more yesterday. Having a soft or a weighted blanket to snuggle with. Listening to true crime podcasts. Coloring. Gardening. 

And then somebody reminded us of the importance of doing these things, even when we don't want to. And I think that is such a brilliant reminder. I am a really big proponent to- for listening to our bodies. And sometimes the right thing to do is to listen to the fact that our body doesn't want to do anything. And sometimes, especially as we're like falling, or what can even feel like kind of crashing down that possum pathway, part of the possum pathway experience having a really fried nervous system is the pull to just keep falling down the pathway. To not do something that we know could help our nervous system experience a moment of rest. And I'm not talking about talking ourselves out of feeling bad, or any kind of toxic positivity, or ignoring very legitimate, you know, things that are hard. I'm not talking about that at all. But I know that, personally, I have a very well exercised possum pathway. And I can really start to fall down it when the stress gets high. And there's this part of me that doesn't want to get out of it. Like there's almost something that feels good about continuing to just go further, and further, and further down that pathway. And what I have had to learn to do is to notice that. To notice the pull for wanting to continue down that pathway and to notice how good it feels like that would feel and also to have the thought, it might actually be better to not fall down that pathway. And you could keep yourself out of crashing by doing something as simple as having a crunchy snack, or just getting up and out of this chair, or watching a funny video for 30 seconds that makes me laugh, right? That doesn't have to be this big huge ordeal. But I start to get really, really frozen feeling and if I'm not careful, I will crash down that pathway so far that it's really really hard to get out. So I've had to learn how to kind of notice that place of I don't want to do these things that will help me feel better. But I also know that it's better for my nervous system to not fully crash hard down that possum-y pathway. 

So I wanted to record an episode that had small, practical, easy things to do that don't involve childcare. That don't involve a lot of money, that don't involve the, you know, that don't take more than 10 seconds, because I know that most of you don't have any of those things. And I do want to also mention a few things that I've known that can be really helpful for a totally fried nervous system if you have the energy, the time, or the resources for some of these things. Therapy can, of course, be so helpful. Now, therapy can also be not helpful if it's with a therapist who's not very attuned. But if you can find a therapist who really gets what it means to be in chronic protection mode, and to live with somebody in chronic protection mode, and how bad that feels, and what your nervous system needs in order to find moments of rest, therapy can be so helpful. I know therapy can be a luxury and so many reasons- for so many reasons therapy can be really inaccessible. Which is why I work so hard to do the work that I do to create these experiences for folks that don't have access to things like therapy. But if you do have access and the potential to experience good therapy, go for it! Big fan of good therapy. And if you don't have access to a good therapist, see if you can at least find somebody who gets it, who will listen to you and who will believe you. I also think, when it's possible if you can outsource, not childcare related tasks. So housework, cleaning, grocery shopping, you know, like things like Instacart, getting your groceries delivered. Looking for ways that you can simplify your life, take tasks off your plate. You know, like yard care, things like that. Things that are relatively easy to hire out where I know that finding somebody to care for your kids is not an easy thing to hire out. Again, I know this is a huge privilege to be able to do that. If you have that privilege, I think it is one as well worth exercising. 

I also have found a functional, or integrative, or precision medicine to be so helpful for folks in chronic stress cycles. So going beyond you know, your maybe regular physician or psychiatrist and looking for somebody who specializes in functional medicine, integrative medicine. Sometimes that could be like a naturopath, it really depends on like kind of where you live and what sorts of practitioners or professionals might exist in your area. But somebody who is skilled at not looking at just symptoms, but at what's driving those symptoms, and can really help you make tiny changes that have big impact on the nervous system. I know that functional medicine has helped me and my family tremendously. Functional medicine has helped me when my nervous system is totally fried. When I'm in those situations where like, I can't change the stress that I'm under, right? Like you go to pla- you go to doctors, you go place in there, like decrease your stress. And you're like ha ha ha, that sounds nice. I'd love to do that. But yeah, that's not possible. And so fi- when when I found a practitioner, who just acknowledged that my life was- was what it was, it wasn't going to change, at least not anytime soon. And I also wanted to feel better. And I've had a couple different practitioners at different times in my life that didn't shame me for how stressful my life was, and also supported me with very real practical things I could do to help my nervous system. So functional, integrative medicine, a naturopath, maybe something like that.

If you can work with somebody that's kind of like a personal trainer, or a private yoga instructor, or somebody who can support you in engaging in the type of movement that your body really likes. And the reason I think it can be helpful to have somebody support you in this journey is one, connection. But two, if you're really, really stressed and have a very fried nervous system, you need to be really gentle and careful with how you bring movement to your body. And so having somebody that can support you with that could be really helpful. I think ways that are nourishing for your body, like therapeutic massages, and not the cliche, like just go get a massage. But the very intentional, like, what massage does for our body, for our nervous system, for our muscles. What the- what touch does, you know, our skin is our biggest organ, and it's very involved in our regulation. And so a good therapeutic massage, with intentionality can be so helpful to the nervous system. I've also found things like acupuncture to be really helpful. 

Now, please know I'm not making any kind of medical recommendations here. I am, kind of, just scanning what things I have seen helpful from folks in my personal life, as well as folks in my community, and in my professional life. Like what kinds of different things have been helpful to them if they do have the time, or the energy, or the resources to engage in things beyond like the moments of care opportunities that I previously mentioned. 

And, y'all, underneath all of these moments of care, and underneath our very, very fried nervous system is very righteous grief. And grieving is exhausting. And so it makes a lot of sense that when your nervous system is totally fried, that grieving feels impossible. And there is this delicate balance of grieving being necessary to bring some balance back to our nervous system, while also being true that grieving is exhausting. Okay? And so I am not pushing the journey of grief. But just reminding you that underneath all of this is very righteous grief that does deserve to be tended to. 

If you do have the bandwidth to explore grief a little bit more, I have a podcast episode all about grief, specifically grief in parenting kids with vulnerable nervous systems. And another really quick Google search tells me that that's episode 129. I am going to work really hard to gather all of the episodes that I recommended in this episode, and make sure that they are all linked to in the show notes. And I'm hoping that between now and when this episode comes out, I can do something to compile all of these ideas into one easy, simple download. And when we do that, I will make sure the information on how to access that download is in the show notes. 

Alright y’all, I did not plan to record an episode that was almost an hour long. And in fact, perhaps it's a little ironic for me to record a very long episode for folks whose nervous system is very fried. But I just kept overflowing with thoughts and ideas for you, so I just kept going. Maybe this is an episode that you listen to in chunks. I hope you got some good ideas, some very tangible, practical, accessible things you could actually do ideas from this episode. And I also hope that you just are feeling from me how much I see you. How much you deserve this care. Because receiving that message is as important as any of the things I mentioned in this episode that you could do. But receiving the message from somebody that they see your struggle, that it's valid, and that it's righteous, and that it makes so much sense that you're finding yourself in this place. That is crucial. So I want you to pause here and just really take a moment to take that in. 

Y'all. It is just like the biggest honor and privilege of my life to be with you in this way. To know how precious your time is, and that you choose to connect with me, you choose to press play, and you choose to share this resource with folks who need it. I don't take that responsibility lightly at all. I adore you. You are totally worth it. And I will see you again next week back here on The Baffling Behavior Show. Bye, bye!