Gaslighting & Adoption

“Maybe I’m the one who’s confused….???”

That’s my clue.  When I hear those words bouncing around in my mind, I can be CONFIDENT that the answer is NO.  I’m not confused.   I am being gaslighted.

In the last four-ish years, most of us have become more familiar with the concept of gaslighting.  It’s a word that first entered into our vocabulary after a 1944 movie (based on an earlier play) called….you guessed it….Gaslight.

Basically, a woman was driven insane by her husband’s continued insistence that her reality was wrong and his was right. She saw flickering gaslights.  He said she didn’t; she was imagining it.  The gaslights WERE flickering.  In fact, he was making them flicker.  She started to believe she was losing her grip on reality; that she couldn’t trust her own thoughts or experiences or instincts.

It’s abuse. 

Think….Emperor’s New Clothes.

It’s a story that is not based on what is actually happening.

The Emperor has beautiful new clothes!

Except…the Emperor is NAKED.

In my office, I talk with parents about how important it is for the ‘insides and the outsides to match.’  Our brains KNOW when someone is being inauthentic.  When their insides and outsides don’t match.  When they are creating a version of reality that works better for them but isn’t true (like pretending not to be mad at all when really you’re furious).  This inauthenticity erodes felt-safety.  We have to give voice to the story under the story.  

The adoption industry sells the version of reality that works for them.

Adoption is the same as biological parenting…

Adoptive families are no different than biological families…

Adopted kids are so lucky…

These are stories that are not based in reality.  Stories that were made up to keep a powerful industry in power. Stories made up to soothe the folks who benefit from annihilation of families.

When I use words like annihilation, I get a catch in my throat and have a moment of panic that I’m being overly dramatic.

Then I take a breath and realize that this actually proves me point.

It’s the gaslighting in adoption that gives me a moment of pause that I’m being dramatic when I use the word annihilation.  It’s the gaslighting that makes me want to pause what I’m writing to reassure you that I’m not anti-adoption.  Because being the victim of gaslighting for decades and decades leaves you feeling that if you give words to what hasn’t been said, you risk everyone deciding there is something wrong with YOU.

I just can’t help myself.  I gotta tell you.  I’m not anti-adoption.  I would like to think this goes without saying but since we are talking about gaslighting, it’s important to say what isn’t being said.

I’m not anti-adoption.

I won’t say a ton about this because that’s a whole other topic- but I’ve worked with and in the child welfare system long enough to know that some kids really do need new, safe families.

I’ve also worked in and with the child welfare system long enough to know that lots of kids really need their biological families to receive the same amount of support we give foster and adoptive families.  Then they might be able to stay with their biological families.

I’m also, quite obviously I think, not anti-adoptive parents.   

Here’s the thing.  The very denial of reality is woven into the fabric of adoption.  It’s intergenerational.  We practically can’t even help it.

Except we can.  Me and you!!!  Together we can start saying the unsayable.  Saying what’s true and real and underneath.  Even when it’s hard.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “You grew in my heart.”

No, they didn’t.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “You were chosen.”

Well, not usually.  Usually two files came to the top of the stack at the same time.  The child’s and the adoptive parent’s.  Or the child’s mother chose the adoptive family.  That’s the opposite of being chosen.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “We are your forever family.”

Well…does that mean my first family somehow isn’t my family anymore?  Because if they ARE still my family, then how does that make them NOT my forever family?  Can family become unfamily?  ]Let’s just say that they can.  If a biological family can become an unfamily, then what on earth is to say that an adoptive family can’t become an unfamily?

Nothing.  In fact…lots of adoptive families become unfamilies.

Adoption gaslighting denies that adoptive families have different needs than biological families.  They have different needs because they are different!!  Adopted kids have different needs because they have lost something completely unfathomable- their family!!

To be clear…there is nothing wrong with adopted people…kids or adults.  Having a unique special need…like starting your life with family annihilation….doesn’t mean there is some inherent flaw that can’t be fixed.

There is nothing wrong with anyone- adopted people included.

But we all have unique special needs.  And having a mom that’s not my mom is a unique special need of an adopted person.

Let’s just name it!

We could just talk about it!  From the very first day.

I’m your mom.  I’m not your mom.  You have two moms.  That’s hard.  And kinda cool because moms are cool and you get two.  But also hard because needing a second mom means something devastating happened. 

You grew in your mom just like all babies do!  We wanted to be parents soooooo soooooooooo much.  When you needed parents to take care of you, we were SO EXCITED that it got to be us!  But we also know that our excitement at getting to be your parents means that you had to go through something really tragic.  It’s hard to hold both of those truths at once, it isn’t.

Here’s the real kicker.

We get mad when our children gaslight us.

Did you hear Anne Heffron tell the story about insisting to her dad that she got the oil changed (she didn’t).  And that she would not, under any circumstances, admit she was lying, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE.

If you missed it, you really should check it out over on my free resources page.  You can get to the video by CLICKING HERE.

That is a lovely example of gaslighting.

It’s easy to gaslight someone else when your life is based on gaslighting.

When you have learned to survive by agreeing with the reality created by others, you learn that survival means creating your own reality and sticking to it.  Period.

What’s SUPER cool is that we have so much power to stop the cycle of gaslighting in adoption.

It’s actually not really even that hard.

We gotta get realllllly good at saying what’s not being said.

I would have coached Anne’s dad to say “I know you didn’t change the oil.  I also know it feels impossible to you to acknowledge that right now.  I love you.  Let’s talk about this later.”

Just the truth.

Say what isn’t being said.

I’m not your mom.  I am your mom.

I hoped and prayed and waited to become your mom.  I did this even knowing that another mom would have to lose you in order for me to be a mom.  That is such a hard thing to acknowledge. 

You wish you’d never been adopted and at the same time you can’t imagine your life without us in a different family.  It’s possible and human and normal to have two completely contradictory feelings at the same time.  I want to hear about all your feelings. 

Keep being awesome.  Together, we are doing hard things.

Robyn