Gratitude for Our Watchdog & Possum Parts {EP 200}

Robyn: When I started the Parenting After Trauma episode- y'all, I mean, this was the end of 2020 we were moving into 2021, right when I started this podcast, the Owl and the Watchdog and the Possum, they, of course, all existed. I mean, they've been a part of my work with kids and families for a very, very long time. But when I started this podcast, I wasn't talking about them super regularly, right? Like, at least not here on the podcast, I was doing trainings about it, and I was writing about it, and I was in the beginning stages of writing, Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, but I really wasn't talking about Owls and Watchdogs and Possums as often and as frequently with such regularity as I do now. I mean, now they are the star of the show, right?   

Robyn: When I teach, I tell folks that relational neuroscience, interpersonal neurobiology, attachment theory, polyvagal theory, the neuro sequential model of therapeutics, memory reconsolidation theory, all of the theories that I have pulled together in my work, all of those theories have given me a map, a map that's helped me stay on the journey of supporting kids and families and decoding their baffling behavior, right? So if relational neuroscience gave me a map, then the Owl and the Watchdog of them Possum, they are my constant companions, and yes, they're constant companions. I never, ever, ever am trying to get any of them to go away, especially not the Watchdog and the Possum. I'm always, always trying to help them rest to feel safe enough to stop feeling like they have to work so hard, and the Watchdog and the Possum need a few really important things in order to be willing to stop working so hard again. We're not trying to get rid of them. We want them to feel safe when they are safe. We want them to let the Owl take charge when it's safe, for the Owl to take charge, or we want them to let their grown ups Owl take charge and take care of them.    

Robyn: So the Watchdog and the Possum some of the things that they need to feel in order to be willing to rest. I. That they need to feel like we accept them. They need to feel that we have gratitude for them, compassion and curiosity, and then belief that they're doing the very best that they can. Now note that I didn't say that the Watchdog and the Possum need to feel no boundaries and permission to just do whatever they want. Definitely, definitely not. When I was working as a therapist with kids, I had these goals for all of us. I wanted to find acceptance and gratitude and compassion and curiosity for my clients Watchdog and Possum, and I wanted to help their parents find this too. And ultimately, I really wanted the child to find compassion and gratitude and acceptance and curiosity in my own therapy work in the 1000s of hours that I've sat on the client side of the couch or on the client side of zoom, it's acceptance and gratitude and compassion and curiosity that has brought me the most change. And now this makes total sense neurobiologically when I think about how the brain changes, and now that I know so much more about how the brain changes than I did two decades ago, right? What we know now is that accepts this gratitude, compassion and curiosity, those are a part of the felt energetic states that both emerge from and can be the pathway into the ventral vagal state.    

Robyn: And what's the ventral vagal state? Well, we just need to think about the ventral vagal state as the state of safety and connection. It's the Owl brain. It is the Owl brain that emerges from and can also be the pathway in to acceptance and gratitude and compassion and curiosity. The ventral vagal state the Owl brain is a state of connection and safety, and that is the neurobiological place of change. In fact, I'll often say compassion is the neurobiology of change. What does that mean? Well, the state, the nervous system state that includes the felt sense of compassion, is the nervous system state that is required for the brain to change. So this usually begins- this process usually begins with the therapist holding on to these truths right, the truth of offering acceptance and compassion and curiosity and gratitude to the Watchdog and Possum brain, that tends to start as kind of a therapist job, right? Like we enter into a relationship with a client, holding those truths, really anchored into them, not trying to convince a client of those truths, but just holding those and being anchored into those truths ourselves. Eventually, then, after experiencing the therapist compassion and curiosity and gratitude, the client begins to internalize this compassion. Their own ventral vagus nerve strengthens and myelinates and and we increase the strength of that state of the nervous system, and then something really cool happens. Okay? Then clients, grown-ups and kids, begin to offer these experiences, compassion, curiosity, gratitude, understanding. Eventually, clients begin to offer these experiences and experiences themselves, to their own inner community, to their own Watchdog and Possum. So it starts with the therapist with the helper, offering these experiences to the client and to the client's Watchdog and Possum and eventually the client begins to offer those experiences, those sensations, the felt sense of compassion and gratitude to their own Watchdog and Possum parts. And these were the parts of themselves that they had previously tried really hard to disconnect from, to shame or to punish or to distance.   

Robyn: We want to distance ourselves from the parts of us that hold these Watchdog and Possum behaviors. Grown-ups want to do this, and kids want to do this too. And slowly over time, as the therapist, as the helper, you know, can offer these experiences to the client slowly over time, they can offer these experiences to themselves. Now, I also want to pause and just tell you, remind you that, lest you believe that this means those parts of themselves that are responsible for the very symptoms and behaviors that are bringing in them to therapy, right? People come to therapy because of their overactive Watchdog and Possum parts, period. That's just how it works. Either they come themselves or somebody else brings them, right? And so when we can meet those parts with compassion, curiosity, gratitude, all that kind of stuff, if we don't make- we don't turn to giving those parts like a free pass or permission to just do whatever they want, and then maybe those symptoms and behaviors get bigger or worse, right? That's a big fear that folks have, especially as we start to kind of move towards those parts with compassion, gratitude, acceptance. There's this lot of fear that, oh, those symptoms, those behaviors, those parts ourselves, are just going to get bigger or stronger.    

Robyn: So I'm going to remind you, or maybe tell you for the first time, that that isn't what happens. In fact, the very opposite is what happens. The more I've grown in curiosity, compassion, gratitude and understanding of my own parts of self that are hurting me or others, the more integrated they become, which means they act out less, less frequently and with less intensity. Now, of course, I still have many, many, many parts of myself that I'm working on this with many parts. Every single day, my overactive Watchdog and Possum takes over, and every single day that's hard, every single day I have opportunities to be with my overactive Watchdog and Possum parts with compassion and gratitude. So y'all when I worked with adult clients, this was how it worked. I held compassion and curiosity for their Watchdog and Possum parts. We didn't always call it that, although the longer I do this work, the more I just use this language with people of all ages, grown-ups and kids, right? The more I held compassion and curiosity for their Watchdog and Possum parts. Eventually, they developed it too, and then, yes, eventually their symptoms and behaviors, the things that would that had brought them to be meeting with me in the first place would begin to shift and change.    

Robyn: But you know, when I work with kids, there's a whole other layer involved. Right? The child's grown-up, their caregiver, a child doesn't just come to therapy themselves. A child doesn't bring themselves to therapy. For the most part, there's another piece of the puzzle, right? Their child's grown-up, the child's caregiver. So I can hold compassion and curiosity and gratitude for the child and their Watchdog and Possum parts, but it is, of course, so much harder for their parents to feel anything similar, right? Of course, of course. Parents are the ones, the caregivers are the ones dealing with the impact of these behaviors, right? And some of you listening are dealing with very dangerous behaviors, and even if they're not dangerous, they're obnoxious, they're annoying, they're frustrating, they're maybe disgusting. You want them to stop so gratitude, I mean that, of course, seems impossible. Plus parents themselves, right, like y'all listening, parents of very, very, very dysregulated kids also have very active Watchdog and Possum brains themselves. And when we are stuck on the Watchdog or Possum pathway, compassion and gratitude are much, much harder to come by. So then working with kids gets just a touch more complicated. There's another layer involved, and now this is not bad. In fact, I find it wonderfully delightful.    

Robyn: But when I'm working with kids, then my job becomes to also be with parents and caregivers and the grown-ups, and to have compassion for the grown-ups Watchdog and Possum parts too, and then to help them have curiosity and compassion and gratitude for their child's Watchdog and Possum parts. And when I was a therapist, I don't get to do this so often much anymore, but when I was a therapist and I was working directly with the child, I get to do that with them as well. And y'all, I tell you what, watching kids who are constantly in trouble, constantly engaging with adults who are frustrated or annoyed or mad at them, right? Watching kids who move through the world in a way that is giving getting them a lot of feedback that they're bad or difficult, watching those kids start to develop compassion, or at least less judgment and hatred for their Watchdog and Possum. Y'all that really, that's why I go to work every day, and I don't get to see it so directly much anymore, because I'm not working directly with kids anymore, but their parents tell me things that let me know, oh, this child is starting to develop compassion, or at least less judgment for their own Watchdog and Possum parts, and that is why, that is why I do this work.   

Robyn: And the cool thing about working with kids is that I also got to work with the people that spend a lot of time with them. When I was working with adults and doing adult therapy, I didn't get to spend much time with the folks that my client was spending time with because my client was just come to therapy and they'd leave and that's who I spent time with. But when I worked with but when I worked with kids, their grown-ups would come, and I got to spend a lot of time with those grown-ups, with the people that these kids spend a lot of time with, and that allowed me then to do such powerful work, to work with kids, to work with adults, to work with myself, on holding compassion, gratitude, curiosity for these Watchdog and Possum parts.    

Robyn: So how do we do this? How do we cultivate a feeling of gratitude for our kid's Watchdog and Possum parts. Without question, we have to start with the idea. We have to get grounded in the belief that all behavior makes sense. I recorded a podcast episode that many, many, many of you have reached out to me and told me, like, whoa, made your brain blow up, like it just brought all the pieces together. It was episode 198 that means it was only technically Two episodes ago. I've just played a few replays since then, so it's longer than two weeks ago. You have to scroll back a little bit further. Episode 198 all behavior makes sense.    

Robyn: Okay, so that's kind of like number one thing that we need to do, we have to keep coming back to all behavior makes sense. Another important thing that we have to do is to continuously remind ourselves we're not trying to get rid of the Watchdog and the Possum. And I did a whole episode on this back in episode 178 so you're gonna have to scroll back a little bit further to find 178. We're not trying to get rid of the Watchdog and the Possum. We all have a Watchdog and a Possum. And I think that's actually what that episode is called, something like we all have Watchdog and Possum brain. We all have one. We would literally die without them. So yay. Let's go Watchdog and Possum. We are not trying to get rid of them. The problem isn't the Watchdog and the Possum. The problem, the issue that's causing you to tune into this show is that a Watchdog and the Possum, and probably you're here because of your child's Watchdog and Possum. They're overworked and, frankly, overzealous. They have been working too hard.    

Robyn: Now, think about it, when you've been working really hard, too hard at something. In fact, do you want folks to tell you that your hard work has been all for naught, that it's not helping at all, and in fact, it's actually making things worse? Well, of course, not, even if that's true, you still want to be seen and recognized, and frankly, you want folks to have some gratitude for how hard you've been working, right? And once we do that, then we'd probably be open to the information that is like. But actually, if you worked in this way, it would be even better. It'd be more effective, and you'd be, you know, it'd be better at achieving your goal, right? But we don't want to hear that. We don't want to hear you're doing it wrong. You're working too hard. The work you're doing is not use, useful. No, we want to hear thank you. I can see how hard you're trying to work, I can see how much this matters to you. Thank you. And also, here are some things that actually might help you achieve your goal even quicker or faster or more efficiently or more effectively, right? I mean, believe it or not, the same is true for the Watchdog and the Possum. And yeah, y'all, I know we're talking about a metaphor. There's no real Watchdog and there's no real Possum.    

Robyn: The neurobiological states of our mind and of our nervous system that hold the overactive Watchdog and Possum are what we'd call disintegrated states, and that's why they are so overactive, or they that's part of why they're so overactive. They're what we would call disintegrated. One big way we call them the Watchdog and the Possum is to help them be more integrated with all the other parts we want, internal connection and cooperation. Think about Marvel's Avengers. And if you aren't a Marvel geek like I am, then just bear with me. I think the metaphor will track anyway. Think about the Avengers. When were they the most helpful to the world? When were they the least destructive to the world? Well, they were the most helpful and the least destructive when they were connected and working together, they still all had their own very separate and very unique jobs, but they worked together as part of a bigger whole, right? That's what's integrate. That's integration. They remain differentiated. Hawkeye still shot arrows, and Captain America still tossed that shield. They had their own unique roles, but they were linked. They had a common goal. They were all working together.    

Robyn: So it's the same with the Owl and the Watchdog and the pasta. And we want them to work together. We want them to maintain their jobs and stay differentiated, but we also want them to be linked, to work together. And how do we link parts? How do we move towards integration, compassion, curiosity and yes, gratitude. Now listen, y'all, I'm not saying you need to find a way to have gratitude for the behaviors that are hurting your child or you or others, but I do think it can be helpful to find compassion and gratitude for how hard your child's Watchdog and Possum are working to help your child be okay in the world. And I get that this is super confusing. I get it, but all behavior makes sense, all behavior, all of it, believes it is the best thing to do in the moment that that behavioral impulse fires.    

Robyn: Now, this way of being in the world has absolutely changed my entire life. It's allowed me to stay out of despair and hopelessness, and frankly, there's been a lot of us who go around lately. It's allowed me to stay out of despair and hopelessness and judgment and righteous indignation and this is actually my literal job, right? I think and talk and write about this all day, every day, and it is still so hard for me. It's so hard for me. It is so hard for me that I needed to make it my job so that I could practice it that much. And even though it's hard, and even though I fail and sometimes fall into hopelessness and despair and judgment and self-righteous indignation, and I've done that a little bit more lately, even though it's hard and even though it's I fail the practice of considering compassion and gratitude and understanding and curiosity, the practice has still changed my life. It's changed the lives of the folks I'm in relationship with. So let me be your example that even if you can only find gratitude and compassion for your kids Watchdog and Possum parts, 1% of the time, that's it, 1% of the time that's enough for now. That's enough because it has to be enough.    

Robyn: Don't think I'm trying to sell you some like, weird, toxic positivity, that you should walk around having gratitude for the behaviors your kids have that are making your life extremely difficult. Y'all, that would be bonkers, and that's not what I'm here for. But in the quiet moments, in a moment of daily reflection, can you consider the possibility of having gratitude for your own Watchdog and Possum parts? Can you consider the possibility that I have gratitude for your Watchdog and Possum parts, even if sometimes they hurt your kids. This is one of the most magical pieces of The Club. It's a community who believes these things and when you get ready to close your eyes at night and cannot have gratitude for your own Watchdog and Possum parts, you might be able to consider that there are 500 club members who do, that is the magic of being in community with folks who are willing to do the hard work to believe and stay committed to these super core tenets.   

Robyn: Slowly. slowly, slowly, compassion, curiosity, gratitude. Slowly, they'll emerge. They will and slowly, slowly, slowly, you might be able to consider having compassion and curiosity and gratitude for your child's Watchdog and Possum parts not their behavior, but the parts of them that are doing their very, very best job and simply just working too too hard, and when we work too hard, we make a lot more mistakes. The gratitude that you hold, the ability to separate your child from their behavior, will slowly invite your child's mind to have compassion, compassion and gratitude for themselves. And this, y'all, this is where the true change happens. Y'all, this podcast, the Baffling Behavior Show. Here we are, the 200th episode. This podcast is the way I get to spread these ideas. And it's not just information, right, but but this podcast helps me spread this like embodied, lived experience these beliefs, and this is why I left the therapy room. I wanted more and more folks to have the possibility, to have the invitation of seeing themselves differently, of seeing their kids differently, because I wanted more and more folks to get what my clients were getting, and I wanted to pull this out of the therapy room, because the walls of the therapy room were creating barriers for for who got to experience this. And therapy is wonderful and beautiful and amazing and please, if you have access to good therapy, go get it. Therapy has changed my life, and it continues to and I also see the limits. I see the limits of a one-on-one experience that happens behind closed doors. I see the magic of it, and I see the limits of it. And because of that, I thought, can we do this bigger?    

Robyn: And that's where the podcasts came from, which started as the Parenting After Trauma Podcast it it's morphed into what is now this Baffling Behavior Show podcast and and all of the things that go along with it, right? Of course, Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, is the book, right? But also the scads of free resources that you can find on my website, and then, of course, The Club, and of course being with right like it's morphed into all of those things, because y'all this is what I think is going to heal ourselves and our kids and our families and our communities and y'all, maybe even our world, and oh, my goodness, if we don't need this now more than ever, to stand in our beliefs about humans, that all behavior makes sense, that compassion is a neurobiology of change and holding gratitude for our kids watch dog and Possum parts and for other people's Watchdog and Possum parts too. Gratitude, which doesn't mean a free for all, right? Gratitude doesn't mean, yeah, act whatever way you want. No, of course not. We boundary. We boundary behavior that's hurting people. But we can do both. We can boundary behavior that's hurting people, even behavior is hurting people very badly and still rest into the truth that all behavior makes sense compassion and gratitude is the neurobiology of change.    

Robyn: Can we have gratitude for our own Watchdog and Possum parts, for our kids, Watchdog and Possum parts and for each other's Watchdog and Possum parts. And you know what? I think we can I think actually all listening. I think y'all are the most equipped. I think y'all are the most equipped to do this because you're have the most practice and because you have the biggest stake in it. So, yeah, I think we can. And thank you. Thank you. Thank you for continuing to press play on the Baffling Behavior Show, continuing to share it with the important people in your lives and with other folks that we want to spread this information to, because, again, this is what's going to heal our communities and y'all, maybe actually even our world.    

Robyn: So thank you. Thank you for showing up for The Baffling Behavior Show's 200th episode, it feels like a birthday party. I'm so happy to have the opportunity to celebrate this with you, and then to get back to work, right? We've got work to do. Y'all. We're gonna keep every day showing up, doing the hard work, bringing compassion and gratitude to our Watchdog and Possum parts, to our kid's Watchdog and Possum parts, and we're gonna keep watching that change change them, change us, change communities, and, yes, maybe even our world. So next week, episode 201, we're just gonna keep doing it. Y'all. We're gonna keep doing it every week we've got work to do. I will see you then you!