Influence Behaviors, Not Control {EP 101}

Robyn: So we really need to be aware of the influence that we can have on somebody else's behavior without taking that to mean that we have control. And in many ways, not even responsibility. I think in the work that I do, that I work with parents of kids with big, baffling behaviors, right? Like I'm not working directly with the child, I'm working with their parents. And I do that because I do believe that is the most powerful point of intervention. 

Robyn: And sometimes it is hard to navigate this nuance with parents really feeling into what I hope feels very empowering. That as parents, we are so important in our children's lives, and we absolutely have so much influence over them, their developing brain, and ultimately, their behaviors. But we don't have control, right? Like, how can I talk about your role in co-regulation, and your role in your child's felt safety? How can I do that without snagging into your shame about what is so many parents deepest worry? And that's that your child's baffling behaviors are somehow all your fault. 

Robyn: Obviously parents, and caregivers have a tremendous opportunity. And yes, responsibility, to influence their child's behaviors, right? Both positively and negatively. And that's because parents and caregivers are offering co-regulation, they're offering connection, and they can make offerings of safety. But we can't be in control of what our kids receive. So we can influence their behavior, but never control. If regulated, connected and connected to themselves and connected to others, kids who feel safe, do well. Then, yes, we want to make an impact on their regulation, on their sense of connection to ourselves and to themselves, and their felt safety. We want to make lots, and lots, and lots of offerings. 

Robyn: We want to do the work that we need to do in order to be able to make those offerings. But we cannot control what they can receive. I do think parents have a lot of responsibility to work fiercely on their own regulation, to work on their own state of mind with regard to connection, and- and to work on their own sense of safety in their own nervous system. And I absolutely include myself in this. I work really hard on those aspects of myself, because I know how influential they are on my relationships, but also in particular on my child's developing mind, and brain, and nervous system, and- and his experience of himself in relationships. And ultimately, yes, that does translate to behavior. And that thing that we can see on the outside that gives us some information about what's happening on the inside. 

Robyn: But I also have to trust that everyone's nervous system is healing at exactly the right pace, exactly the right pace for them. And I'm not in control of that. I actually don't really even get to have an opinion about that. And this individual pace, how everybody's nervous system is in charge of their own pace of healing. That includes every parent I know. That includes every child that I know. And that also includes myself. And y'all, I'm a helper. I'm a helper, and I'm a doer. And so this truth, that everybody's system is healing, and integrating, or shifting, or whatever word you want to use, in exactly the right pace that they need. This truth, like, sometimes just makes me want to shake my fists, and lament about how, especially my own nervous system, isn't healing faster. 

Robyn: Sometimes I look at my behaviors that emerge from my own dysregulated nervous system, and I know that they're hurting people. I know that they're hurting myself. And I still can feel completely unable to stop that. Sometimes I have to grieve the reality that I likely won't heal every aspect of my nervous system while I am still actively parenting my child. And sometimes I have to be okay with the fact that my son will still have his own healing to do. It can't all be done in one generation. I wish it could! I wish I could become this perfect specimen of nervous system regulation, so that I could parent in a way that allowed my son to just emerge as his truest self, I have no agenda other than that. He just gets to be him without any of my own projections, or without any of my own nervous system dysregulation, or without any of any of the ways that I've created experiences of not being safe, right? All the ways that that's impacted him. I wish none of that was true, I wish I had done none of those things. And none of it impacted him. And he could just be his most truest self all the time. 

Robyn: But the reality is- is that- that's not true. That it can't all be done in one generation, and that my son is going to still have his own healing to do. But despite that, I just keep trying. I keep trying to do the work that I need to do. Because I do think that's my responsibility. It's my responsibility to myself. It's my responsibility to other relationships that I'm when, and it's my responsibility to my child. I do have tremendous impact over the development of my son's nervous system, and his regulation, and his felt safety, but I do not currently have control over it, or his behaviors. He is his own unique human. And he bursts into the world with all of his own uniqueness and he gets to be him. And I don't get to control him or his behaviors. And it's easy to like, lean into that truth when the behaviors are just kind of annoying, or, y’know, just maybe not our preference. But it's really hard to lean into that truth. When the behaviors are dangerous and the behaviors are hurtful and the behaviors are hurting themselves, or they're hurting other people. So I get that that's really, really, really hard to lean into that truth. But how hard it is to lean into it doesn't make it any less true.

Robyn: So yes, I am responsible for my own state of my nervous system because it impacts the development of his. Now in the ways that it's gone awry, right, in the places where I haven't been able to heal in the way that I wish, and the way that it has impacted him in ways that I don't wish. Does that make it my fault? And you know, all I can say to that is an honest, “I really am not sure”. When it comes right down to it, I'm not super interested in looking at fault. I'm much more interested in thinking about responsibility. I can take responsibility for what's mine to own, even when it's negative, without falling into blame and shame. Responsibility? Sure, that might evoke some guilt. But that's okay. Because guilt is a pretty important human emotion. 

Robyn: Given that we're a relational species. Guilt is an emotion that comes up when we've done something that we regret something that goes against our values, something- some kind of behavior that we feel like isn't in alignment with our true selves, our true values, our true way that we want to be, or show up in the world. And so guilt is really important. Guilt helps us notice. Guilt helps us recalibrate. Guilt helps us make changes if we want to do something different. And guilt helps us repair. And y'all know how I feel about repair. If you don't know how I feel about repair, then head back to the podcast player and search for ‘repair’, because I talk a lot about repair. So I am not saying we shouldn't have experiences of guilt. But guilt is really different than blame and shame. Shame doesn't allow us to experience the neurobiology that would help our systems heal. Okay, so we want to see if we can stay more connected to guilt, without falling into shame.

Robyn: I try to keep mindful awareness of how I influence my kid and my husband. I try not to fall into shame and self pity. And I try not to keep so distanced from it that I lose any motivation or care to keep working on myself and my relationship. And please notice that I'm saying I try to do those things. I'm not perfect at it. Sometimes I absolutely fall into shame and self pity. I 100% can fall into shame and self pity. Sometimes I don't become awash with shame or self pity. But I become awash with a sense of- almost like a sense of nothingness, like a sense of, “meh, I don't really care. I don't really care how I'm impacting you”. Right? Neither of those experiences shame and blame or the total distancing that leaves us with not caring. Neither of those experiences are one, helpful for the relationship or two, helpful to my own neurobiology. Neither of those experiences are helpful for the relationship. Right? 

Robyn: Now, it is not my job to help my husband or my kid feel safe. It is not my job because it is not possible. I am not in control of someone else's experience of felt safety. It is my responsibility, though in our relationship, to do the work that I need to do to show up in a way that I can offer safety, offer connection, and offer co-regulation. Now if you're a professional listening, this is true for you, too. It isn't your job to control your clients' experience. It is your job to do the personal work that you need to do to show up in a way that you can offer safety, connection, and co-regulation. But you aren't in control of how they receive it. You are in control of what happens to you, when your offerings of safety, connection, and co-regulation aren't received. Because even with our professional hats on, and this is definitely true for parents too, our offerings of connection want to be met with a volley back of connection. And it's so painful when it's not. So not only is it our job to do the work that we need to do to be able to keep offering- offerings of connection, and felt safety, and co-regulation. But it's also our job to do the work that we can keep offering them when they aren't volleyed back. 

Robyn: Now y'all I know this is a big ask! Some of our kids have big, scary behaviors that need to change. So how can it be true that some of these behaviors are really big and scary and it also be true that I can be okay with having influence over their behaviors but not control? And how can I be honest about my influence without falling into blame, or shame, or distancing. So y'all are not gonna be surprised to hear me say that how we do this is through self compassion, and grief. 

Robyn: So how do we establish enough safety and resilience in our own nervous systems that we can offer and then we can receive our own offerings of self compassion. As well as how do we establish enough safety and resilience in our own nervous system that we can truly be with our grief? The grief that arises when we realize that somebody else is really hurting. Their nervous system is hurting. Their internal world is hurting. Their regulation is hurting them. That's coming out as a very bad behaviors, and I can't do anything about it. I mean, I can make all these offerings. I don't mean to say I can do anything about it. I can make all these offerings. But when it comes right down to it, I'm not in control of how they are received. Right? 

Robyn: How do I establish enough safety and resilience in our own nervous systems to be okay with that truth? Well, all I can really say is what I understand about the science, and the relational neuroscience, and also what I know to be true about my own personal experience. And then the- what I've seen to be true and all the people that I've worked with. So like, the number one thing that I see to be impactful is that you want to find people who offer you compassion. And ideally, people who also are able to offer themselves self compassion, right? You want to be in the presence of compassion and self compassion, even if you can't give or receive it yet. You want to be in the presence of somebody who can offer non judgmental presence. You want to be in relationship with people who can offer connection, and keep offering that connection even if you don't always volley it back in the perfectly right way. Do you hear what I'm saying is you want to be in relationship with people who offer you exactly what you want to give your kids or exactly what you want to give your clients? Yes! Find people who will be with you with non judgmental agendaless presence. So that's the language of my mentor, Bonnie Badenoch, non judgmental agendaless presence. 

Robyn: If this isn't your first time listening to my podcasts, I can only assume that one of the reasons you came back to it is because of the unwavering compassion that I offer to parents and also to children. So I want you to keep coming back, keep coming back, and keep listening to the podcast until your system has enough safety to take in that compassion that I'm offering. And then keep coming back until your system has enough safety, to consider offering yourself self compassion. Consider coming to join us over in The Club, so you can get even more doses of compassion, combined with more understanding of the neuroscience, combined with more tools, combined with a community in which you can practice all of this. And you can practice rupture repair. And then of course, if you're a professional, come and hang out with us in Being With, the year long immersion program that I have for parenting professionals. 

Robyn: And yes, I know self compassion and grief that is over simplified, like I know you need tools. You need to know what to do to help your child experience more regulation, more connection, and more felt safety. You absolutely need clear concrete tools. Tools that really work. But sometimes more tools just come with more of a sense that it's your job to change someone else. There can be this implication in the tools that if you just do the tool correctly, it will work and your kids behavior will change. And so again, this comes back to being your fault. But it's not. You have influence, not control. And it's the compassion and the ability to sit with the grief that will help you be okay with that truth. And I will help you with that. I will help you with the compassion. I will help you develop the inner resources that you can sit with the grief, the well earned grief, the grief that deserves to be seen and known. I will help you.

Robyn: Alright y'all, thank you for tuning in to today's episode. This was a passionate topic for me that I realized I've maybe never talked about in this specific way. And I see parents work so, so, so hard at developing these tools, working on themselves, offering the co-regulation, doing all the things that they- that they need to do, or that they think they need to do, so that their child's behavior will change. But sometimes our kids' behaviors don't change. And can that be true without it being our fault? And I think it has to be true. It has to be true that we find a way for that to be true, without it being our fault. So that we can come out of shame and blame and find a place to rest into compassion and grief. It is absolutely my honor that I get to share these thoughts with you. I get to connect with you over these vulnerable spaces. So thank you for showing up again today. Thank you for pressing play. I will be with you again next week.