Q&A: Why Can’t I Do All the Parenting Skills I’ve Learned? What am I Doing Wrong? {EP 70}

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Anonymous caller: Hi, Robyn, I've been following you for years and listening to your podcast since the very beginning. I felt like I've learned many important things, but it can still be hard to actually do those things. What am I doing wrong?

Robyn: Okay, first, let me just say that I can guarantee you there are a lot of listeners out there just nodding their head right along. Either because they have the exact same question, or they remember having the exact same question. And it probably wasn't that long ago. I mean, I remember having that question too, right? Like, how can I know all these things, but not do them? Or at least not do them as often as I'd like? Alright, so there's a short answer, and then I'll go into the longer version. Y'all know that I cannot help but go into that long version. But the short answer is that you need and deserve more connection, and more co-regulation yourself so that your brain, and body, and mind, and nervous system, can stay more mindful, more present, and more regulated when we're in the middle of a stressful situation. Like when your kid is going bananas or having a behavior that is just stressing you out. Right? You need more connection and co-regulation so that you can stay more grounded, and then be able to actually use all of this great information that you've invested a lot of time and energy into learning. 

Robyn: Okay, so the long answer is that all that great information that you've been learning over the last years is stored up in what I call your owl brain. Y'all have maybe heard me talk about like your kids’ owl brains, and like the whole parenting after trauma course is all about our owl, and watchdog, and possum brains, right? And we're talking about kids in that course, and I'm usually talking about kids in this podcast, but the truth is, is that owl- the grown ups have owl brains too and watch our brain so and possum brains. But let's think about our owl brains for a moment. The owl brain is the part of the brain that can take a pause. That owl brain can take a   breath. And that owl brain can ask ourselves like, ‘okay, is this really an emergency? Like, do I need to freak out too? Do I need my- do I need to join my kids’ freak out? Or can I allow myself to have like a real authentic feeling but not be freaking out about it at the same time?’ That's an owl brain question. But our brain remembers facts. Like the old brain remembers the things that you've learned. And the owl brain can think ahead to the future. Meaning, the owl brain can pause and think something like, ‘Hmm, if I respond by yelling and screaming, this will probably get worse. But if I respond with a breath, and then by offering some connection and some co-regulation, based on what my kid needs in this moment, and of course, still set a boundary, I could potentially de-escalate this situation.” Which, that's what we want y'all. Like I know, especially when our owl brains are falling away. It's easy to get really focused on ‘I just need this behavior to stop’. And that's not untrue. But another way to look at ‘I just need this behavior to stop’ is I really need my child to feel more regulated, more connected, and more safe so that their owl brain can return. Because, y’all, the behaviors that are stressing you out in your kids aren't our brain behaviors. So yes, you want the behavior to stop. But if we pause and step back, what we really want is to create an environment in which our kids owl brain is invited to return. But anyway, I digress. We're talking here about your owl brain. So of course, the owl brain can have like a big, huge, wide variety of feelings. Owl brains aren't calm or happy. Owl brains can be scared, and mad, and sad. While still staying present and connected with yourself and regulated. Right? So regulated and owl brains don't mean necessarily calm, right? The owl brain, though, can remember the facts that it learned when the owl brain was in charge. So think of this for a second, the reality is, is that you probably learned all those great parenting skills, while your owl brain is in charge, right? Like you were listening to a podcast, or you're reading a book, or you were at a conference of some sort, right? When you were engaged in those activities and experiences, almost certainly your owl brain was in charge. Most parents aren't learning new ways of parenting while they are freaking out, right? Because they're too busy freaking out. That's just how the brain works. You're learning new things, when your brain is regulated and your own owl brain is in charge. That means that owl brain is holding that information. And you need to be at least somewhat connected to your owl brain to use that information. 

Robyn: Okay, so obviously, the next question that makes a lot of sense in this conversation is something like ‘how on earth do I stay more connected to my owl brain while my kid is freaking out? Or going bananas or having a behavior that's really pushing my buttons?’ Yeah, that's a great question. And the simple, but definitely not easy, answer is that you simply need more connection and more co-regulation, just like I talked about being what your kid needs, in order for their owl brain to be more in charge, right? It's simply just how owl brain grows. Connection, and co-regulation. Now kids are mostly getting that connection and co-regulation from the grownups. But adults can get connection and co-regulation actually from two places. From other people, of course, but also actually from yourself. So let's talk about that one first. You can practice things like self compassion. And I talked so much in this podcast about self compassion. So, I know you're all familiar with the concept of self compassion. I have a episode dedicated specifically to self compassion, RobynGobbel.com/SelfCompassion. And you can practice things like attunement, and connection to yourself, in addition to self compassion, they kind of all go together. In fact, I have a webinar that's called How Do I Stay Calm?, and it expands on the concepts that's in the podcast episode called Not Flipping Your Lid When Your Kid is Flipping Theirs. You actually can find that podcast at RobynGobbel.com/NotFlippingYourLid . And I know I've just given you a couple different links, I'll make sure they're in the show notes. But the podcast episode is RobynGobbel.com/NotFlippingYourLid. And if you go to that link, you'll also be able to- you can listen to the podcast, but you can also read like a summary of that podcast episode. And it takes you through, like the four steps that I talked about that go along with not flipping your lid. And then the How Do I Stay Calm? webinar is this full like, hour and a half or two hours, I really can't remember how long it was. But it's this longer expanded webinar and it's stored in the on demand video library that's in The Club. 

Robyn: So the podcast and then the expanded webinar walks you through this four step process, basically like attuning and connecting to yourself, and then offering yourself self compassion. You can do these steps in the moment when you're facing a dysregulated behavior from your child. But it actually also works really well to practice those steps out of the moment. So like, after a situation that didn't go well, and your kid was going bananas, and then you went bananas too. You actually can later reflect back on that situation and like, using your imagination, you can almost rewind that stressful scene with your child. And imagine yourself going through those steps of connecting and attuning to yourself, offering yourself self compassion, and then taking a breath. So again, those four steps are at RobynGobbel.com/NotFlippingYourLid. And then there is this expanded longer webinar that's stored in the on demand video library inside The Club. So all Club members get access to this growing, it's already have over 30 videos in it and it's constantly growing, on demand video library where you can practice and learn more of these concepts.

Robyn: We have to remember that at our core, we're relationally interdependent people, and we need other people. I know that firsthand. When life gets stressful, it's really easy to turn inside, right? To stop reaching out and to kind of isolate. And these are actually the exact times that we have to be really deliberate about practicing our vulnerability, to reach out to others, to connect with safe folks, right? And safe as the key word here, right? We have to connect with people who get it who aren't judging you, and who are willing to welcome all of your feelings. You, just like your kids, need that experience of being seen, and felt, and known, and welcomed. For everyone listening, pause, like right now in this moment, and just take a really quick little inventory. Like who in your life can you turn to, to feel seen, and felt, and known, and not judged? And when was the last time you connected with that person or those people? And if it's been a while, just be curious with yourself. Why? Why has it been a while? Can you prioritize connecting with them, friends or relatives, support group members, your therapist, online friends, and Facebook groups even can be amazing. As long as they're filling your cup, and don't become a place where everybody's just getting really stuck and like churning around in the hard. Truly being seen and known allows our bodies to metabolize and process through our very righteous feelings of grief, and anger, and despair. The connection and co-regulation that we get from others allows our window of tolerance to grow. So that even when things are really hard, and the hard doesn't change, our window of tolerance can grow. 

Robyn: Okay, so just be mindful, like if you're in a space where feelings don't seem to be processing or moving through. And instead, there's just this kind of feeling of stuckness in the hard, just be mindful and curious about how helpful that actually is. Without question, we need places where we can bring our full, authentic selves and all of our feelings. But when those feelings are truly met, and seen, and heard, the feelings move through. And we move into a place where we ultimately feel better, even if nothing else changes. So just ask yourself is the space that I'm in or the groups that I'm in, is that true? Do you do those feelings move through? And do I ultimately end up feeling better? 

Robyn: Okay, so to get back to the original question, there's absolutely, positively nothing wrong with you if you're having a hard time staying in your owl brain, especially when everybody around you is not in their owl brain. And if you're having a hard time remembering all of that great parenting information that you've learned in the past few years, probably while you were in your owl brain, right? There's nothing wrong with you, you're just wonderfully, perfectly human. You're not a bad parent, and you're not failing. You simply need more connection and co-regulation. This actually is exactly the reason why I created The Club. I mean, parents have been asking me this question, always. That- some variation of why can't I do the things that I'm learning or something that will sound like like when I'm teaching, I'll maybe get a hand raise. It's like, this all sounds really great. But we can't actually do this in the moment, like when our kids are freaking out, we can't do the things that you're teaching us to do. And I was like, Absolutely, I totally get that. If it was as easy as learning something and then perfectly being able to do it- podcast like this would hardly even exist. Because you would be learning it, and doing it, and you wouldn't have any continued challenges, right? And then the fact that you're like learning this thing, but having a hard time implementing it. It becomes this brand new stressor. Like another pain point and other stress in your lives. Like you're failing at something. But y'all, it isn't about failing. First of all, there's definitely a space to remember that we all need to practice new skills. Like practicing is a part of the- like- the equation for sure. But we also need to have continued experiences of connection co-regulation that are allowing us to grow our owl brains, so our owl brain can stay more in charge. We need more connection and co-regulation. Because exactly- like what you're hearing me talk about with your kids. I know, I know that that can be so hard to find. It's hard to feel seen from people who really just can't even begin to imagine the challenges, the very real real life challenges, in your life. And it's hard to find those people who- who can relate. I really wanted to create a space where there was no explanation needed, right? You just walk in or with The Club, you just log on, I guess. But that's what I love about conferences and workshops too. Like bringing together groups of parents who are all saying, I need help. Right? You just walk in and you look around you instantly know like, Oh, these people get me and these people aren't judging me. I don't even have to say anything. And these people are like, I totally get it. And I really wanted to create that in a space If it was more accessible. Which is what I was hoping to do when I created The Club. It's kind of one of these interesting things. Like, even if you go to like a conference or a workshop, and you don't even talk to anybody or ask a question, you are still getting the benefits of being in a space where everybody gets you. Without even saying a word, and you know that you feel it. There's just like this energy in this space. And the same, thankfully, has been true in The Club too, right? So like, there's so many members who don't even participate that much, right? They don't participate much in the forum. And they don't come to a lot of live events, but they're g- they're listening to all the live events, maybe by recording. But they still even- even though those things are true, they're still in a space of being able to look around and like every- all these people get it. Like without me saying a word, these people get it. And that experience of knowing you're in a space, where without you having to say where people get it. That, in and of itself, with nothing more, like, active begins to knit in the connection and co-regulation that you deserve. And ultimately allows your owl brain to stay more in charge. 

Robyn: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, dear listener, who was brave enough to ask this question that almost everyone has thought and wondered, at some point in their parenting journey. If you have a question that you'd love for me to tackle on this Fridays in February podcast series, head over to RobynGobbel.com/podcast and look for the box that says ‘send me a question’. If you're on a desktop or a laptop, it's going to be right near the top and the upper right hand, kind of, column. If you're on your smartphone, you'll have to scroll down a bit. Like you have to scroll down, to you know, it's like- you get these images for like the last eight podcasts. You have to scroll down an ad- to get past those eight images. So after a little bit of scrolling, the background changes to purple. And you'll see the words ‘send me a question’. All you have to do is click a button and record a short voice message, like right there. You don't leave the website, you don't do anything. Just click a button. Record a really short voice message. Actually super, super easy. Remember, don't tell me your name. Don't tell me your kid's name and make it as short, and as simple, and as free of details as possible in order to get your question across. But RobynGobbel.com/podcast And I'll see you back here next Friday. And maybe I'll be answering your question. Y'all have an awesome weekend.