When It’s Hard To Keep Offering Connection {EP 174}

Robyn: A couple of weeks ago, on the podcast, we talked about what it's like to live with someone who's chronically dysregulated. And we looked at the way that that impacts our own experience of being in a connected relationship that has like this mutual dance of serve and return, right? There's this, there's this energetic way that relationship has a mutually agreed upon and in sync, back and forth, there's a rhythm to connected relationships, I serve something to you, you catch it and serve it back to me. And we really literally call that serve and return in attachment literature. And when we live with somebody who's in a state of relatively chronic, or at least just regular dysregulation, that impacts our ability to be in a mutual serve and return relationship with them. Because folks in protection mode have a hard time offering up connection and offering up relationship and doing it in a kind of mutually enjoyable kind of way. Ultimately, living with someone who's chronically or at least a lot of the time dysregulated leaves us in a state of pretty chronic or ongoing dysregulation, and of that means kind of chronic protection mode. And ultimately, we find ourselves feeling like it's impossible to keep offering connection yet. If you listen to the show, you probably tune into other social media accounts, get other email, newsletters, maybe even take courses or read books by other folks who are telling you that what your kid needs is connection. Right? And so you're caught, you're stuck, right? You're in this state of I feel so dysregulated, I'm so far down the protection mode pathway, that it feels impossible to keep offering connection.    

Robyn: Yet I know that the very thing that my kid needs, in order for their nervous system to heal for them to come out of chronic protection mode is co-regulation, felt safety, and offerings of it feels impossible to do that. It feels impossible to offer a connection to them. And it feels impossible to offer connection to ourselves, right? We start to feel kind of numb, there starts to maybe feel like this sense of nothingness. Or maybe you're not numb or experiencing a sense of nothingness, but instead you're experiencing like a sense of agitation or irritation. But regardless, the idea of offering connection to your child or maybe even to anyone, it starts to feel impossible, like shuttering, just thinking about it, or the sense in your body of like, recoiling or backing away or even protecting yourself. And y'all, I promise, if you're nodding your head, or you're thinking like, yeah, yeah, I feel this way, you are not a bad person, this doesn't make you a bad person or a bad parent or, or anything like that, it means that you're stuck in protection mode. Ironically. So as your kid, it's so hard to understand how our kids can be so intense in their rejection of any type of connection or relationship, right? It's like, we know how, you know, human it is to be in connection, and then we like, watch our kids just, you know, fight tooth and nail to reject that connection or stay out of connection. And it's so confusing. Until suddenly, we find ourselves in the exact same place. And I certainly know that I've been there. Feeling like, I never want to hear anyone speak anything ever again, for the rest of my life, right? Or, you know, thinking that feeling like I didn't want to ever even think about anyone else, let alone meet their needs, or offer connection or co-regulation or safety or, frankly, even just being nice. Like, sometimes I cannot conjure up being nice.   

Robyn: And I've also been in that place of, I don't care. And I don't care that I don't care. And I can see it like I can, I'm noticing, I don't care, and I don't care that I don't care. But I like don't even care, right? So I'm certainly not putting forth any effort to change anything. It's a really, really, really protective place to be. And lets us know, how hurt that person is feeling whether it's you, or someone else. Nobody wants to continually experience the pain of rejection, the pain of searching for connection only to find that it's not there, or that it's it's absent, or that the kind of connection that's being offered or returned is dangerous, right? That's a terrible, terrible place to be. I know that you don't want to be in that place. And believe it or not, your kid doesn't want to be in that place, either. And yet, here we are. In a place where it's hard to keep offering connection, even though we know it's the thing that we really need to keep doing.    

Robyn: So what do we do about that? If you're feeling like the last thing you can imagine doing is offering connection or being in connection with your kid. Or maybe someone else is coming to mind for you at the moment, maybe your partner or someone else that you're in relationship with. If it's feeling that impossible, then actually, I don't want you to focus on trying to connect with that person. Okay, this is not an episode about how to keep offering connection to whoever that person is that you're having a hard time offering connection to, okay, I don't want you to think about that. What I want you to actually think about are three things, I'm going to put these three things in the show notes. So if you have a hard time remembering them, you can go back to the show notes and look. The three things I want you to think about are one, who could offer me connection? Two, how could I offer me connection, like connection to myself? And three, who could I offer connection to who is likely to receive that connection and return it like who's the safe person to offer connection to? So we're gonna go through those three, little more in depth.    

Robyn: We're start with number one. Who in your life could offer you connection? So ideally, and I understand that this is not true for everyone, but ideally, there's someone in your life who you feel safe enough with to be totally authentic with, but also doesn't let you get stuck in protection mode, right? We've all been in those relationships where were kind of griping or complaining to one another. And all of a sudden, we realized, that's all we're doing. Like we're just stuck in swimming, like we're feeding off of the complaining. The complaining, and essentially what's being in protection mode, it's not being met, like it's not being moved through, it's not kind of coming to completion and then shifting into connection mode. And that is an important part of finding a person who you can be safe enough to be completely authentic with, complain, tell the honest truth to you about what's happening in your life and in your family, what your real true honest feelings are, right? Even things that you can't imagine telling anyone, finding someone to tell those to. But also that that person doesn't let you get stuck in protection mode. What's extra tricky about this, not even to mention the fact that for some people it's impossible to find this person but, even if you do have a person who's like that you could reach out to the further we descend onto the protection pathway, the less likely we are to reach out. So even when we have people in our life, who can offer us this kind of connection, we stop reaching out, and we find ourselves isolated and alone. And so I want you to just pause and consider for a moment, do you have a person in your life that you could give energy to and like nurture their relationship with so, that they could offer you the connection that you needed?    

Robyn: And when I mean, like nurture the relationship, it could be as simple as like, reach out to them, send them a text? Does this person exist for you? And if so, how could you go about kind of re-kindling that relationship with them? And if it feels like there is no one in your personal life? Is there another place you could go? Is there a support group you could look to? Is there, you know, if your experience, has you connected with any sort of agency? Do they offer any sort of connecting support experience? Whether this be like a virtual experience, an in person experience? Is there an organization in your community, any of the places you receive services from. Like, if you take your kid to therapy, or occupational therapy, or any sort of support, you know, place you get support from for your kid? Do any of them offer, you know, kind of support or connection groups? If not, what about online, right? If even a Facebook forum is well moderated, it can be a really lovely place to find people to be in connection with and I don't mean to pretend that a well moderated Facebook group full of strangers takes the place for a close, in person, resonant relationship. But sometimes that's just what we have available. And we need to lean in to what we have available and then grieve for what isn't available to us.    

Robyn: This idea of creating a space for really dysregulated parents to receive connection, I mean, this is literally why I created The Club, like a wanted to create a space that was focused on parents showing up and both giving and receiving connection to folks. And by design, you know, a community where a lot of folks certainly are in protection mode, but sometimes people are also in connection mode. And that connection mode actually grows because of our experience in this space or in this group. The club was of course not the only place that this happens, by any stretch of the imagination. I mean, really any well moderated group and well moderated is key, right? Any, any place that's got containment and safety and structure and is well moderated and there's some really specific key things that I've kind of infused into the structure of the club that I think makes the club work out the way that it's supposed to, but, again, it's not the only place where this is possible. All right, any space where people come together like this, they kind of create this metaphorical like, combined Joint window of tolerance. So even though there's lots of dysregulated people in the group, there hopefully should be enough regulated people, but especially, you know, who's moderating or hosting the group that, despite the fact that there is, you know, it's by design a place for people who are pretty dysregulated, there is still the sense of safety, and containment. And I know that a virtual group that offers you, you know, being seen and felt known, and safety and containment and compassion. I know, I know that all that's lovely, I know that what you really need is practical help, like, sometimes this practical is like somebody pick up groceries for you, or, you know, drive your other kids to, you know, their appointments, or, you know, just like very practical boots on the ground help. And I get that.    

Robyn: And because I can't do that, creating a space where people can give and receive connection has become the way that I attempt to support folks and contribute, you know, to this challenge, right? And it's not enough. But it's what I can offer. And it is extremely powerful, a space where people will offer you connection, it's not a meal. But it's a space to have a shift in your nervous system. And that, in some ways, is actually just important, as somebody's doing real practical boots on the ground help. You know, the other thing that is really helpful about a virtual space of connection. And again, the club is one place, but there's a lot of places where this is available because of how folks are being so creative and how they're using the internet. But another thing that's really good about virtual connection is that it happens in moments. And this can even be like a friend that you text with and send memes back and forth to. Like that channel of communication is always open. And it happens in these little drops these little moments, right, you can log in, or you can send a text or a meme. Whenever you're thinking about it. It's not at some predetermined time, right? Like Mondays at 6pm. Like what happens with in person groups, or even your therapy appointment, right? This predetermined time, and it's for this specific length of time, which is great also. But what that setup arrangement doesn't do is offer the opportunity to just touch in and touch out for like these quick little moments, which is a way to self-titrate. And a way to go kind of get the connection you need when you need it when you want it and then kind of move back out again. I mean, it's another reason why I emphasize so strongly in the club, that the club is to be exactly what our members want it to be.    

Robyn: Like I'm always saying, like you couldn't, you can't be late. So never apologize for being late. Like you come when you can, as you can for as long as you can, and then you leave and that like that is literally, you know, a part of a club that I designed with intentionality, because that piece is so important. And the reason that I'm saying this right now is because I know that sometimes, you know, having virtual connections or online connections, or, you know, having a Facebook group can feel like kind of a lousy consolation prize when what you really are craving is in person connection. And I get that, again, it's not exactly a replacement for it. But there are aspects of virtual connection that actually are, in some ways better, because very few in person relationships are available wherever you want them to touch into and touch out of, you know, for just moments at a time, they just don't really work like that. So there are pluses and minuses to both and I think that's what my very long winded you know, soliloquy here is all about is to seek connection when and where you can and it might not look like exactly what you want or exactly what you hoped connection would look like. And there's space to grieve that. But also there actually are some benefits to the different ways our virtual world allows us to be in connection with one another. So that was number one. Can you find a place where you can receive connection?    

Robyn: It doesn't even have to be from humans, right? People receive connection from their pets, from being out in nature, from all sorts of different ways. I mean, there's documentation and research around how we can give and receive connection and all sorts of different ways. And there is no right or wrong way of doing connection for you, right? The right way to do connection for you is the way that helps you feel settled and helps you come back into contact with yourself. So, if that's pets and animals or nature, or these different ways of connection of receiving connection, please know that that is just as valid. The second thing I had suggested right? I said one, find places who can offer you connection to how can you be in connection with yourself. Now again, sometimes when I start talking about meeting our own needs like this, it can feel like this crappy consolation prize, but connecting with ourselves is actually a very, very important core aspect of being human. So literal connection with our physical bodies is important, movement and exercise helps us stay in connection with our body, even the most gentle kinds of movement and exercise like is gentle is walking. But it could also even be as gentle as, like, in this exact moment, I'm sitting in a chair that swivels right? There's very, very gentle movement. And even as I sit alone in my basement on my podcast, like in this moment, I'm moving my hands. So finding ways to be in connection with your physical body through movement or exercise can be very nurturing, very important.    

Robyn: Other ways to be in connection with your physical body is to engage with water, baths, showers, water helps us feel ourselves. If you're a Club member, you know that we recently at the end of March, we did a lycra lab. And we learned about all the ways we can use the lycra to help our kids feel more regulated. And we can apply all those ideas to ourselves, lycra is an inexpensive, easy to access tool that helps us feel ourselves. But any of our senses taste, smell, sound, any of our senses, right? Engaging any of them all help us feel ourselves. So sometimes engaging or experimenting with intense tastes; sour, for example, sweet, bitter, doesn't really even have to be intense, but just kind of experimenting with taste. I like them to be intense, but other people want smells, experimenting with different smells, sounds, changing what your environment sounds like. There's different ways that we can be very deliberate in how we engage our sensory system. And when we engage in those experiences. And then also take just a few moments, like literally just seconds, just to notice the sensory experience. And that can be very, very powerful, and helping our bodies return to connection mode.    

Robyn: Another way to be in connection with yourself, of course, is self-compassion. Y'all I know I talk about self-compassion, constantly. It's either annoying or it's not. I'm aware of the fact that it might be sort of obnoxious that I'm constantly talking about self-compassion, but I regulate through the fact that you might think it's obnoxious because it's that important. Self-compassion is a way of being in connection with ourselves. Compassion comes from connection mode, and brings us in to connection mode. I know that if you're feeling like you can't offer connection to your kid or a someone else you love, you then are probably either one criticizing yourself for that are to getting stuck in kind of contempt, and bitterness. And this all makes perfect sense because these are behaviors of protection mode, but they are ironically then are sending cues of danger to ourselves and then keeping us stuck in protection mode, it becomes this, you know, somewhat impossible to break out of cycle. We have to be really deliberate about breaking out of it. Okay? So the step for that isn't to criticize, criticizing yourself. The step for that is to notice when you're critical of yourself, notice when you're feeling contemptuous toward others, and then offer yourself compassion for being stuck in a place where criticism and contempt are in such close reach, because what that tells me is that there is a lot of pain there. They're very far down the protection mode pathway. And that is worthy and deserving of self-compassion.    

Robyn: And if self-compassion feels impossible to you, maybe you can find a place where compassion is prioritized. Again, that was a very deliberate strategic part of my initial way I set up the club because I know the power of self-compassion. I also know how far off it feels for most. And I know that receiving compassion is the path towards self-compassion. So I wanted to create a space where compassion, which is not toxic positivity, but true compassion was the foundation, knowing that offering compassion is also good for you, and eventually, if you are the one being offered compassion, like you receive enough compassion, eventually that is going to shift into self-compassion.    

Robyn: So my curiosity then could be is there a place like that in your life? And if not, it might be that the club could be a good option for you. But other folks have told me people send me emails, and they tell me that even listening to this podcast is a place where they receive connection and compassion, getting my emails as a way that they receive connection and compassion, even reading my book, which again, I wrote in that way, very specifically, which not everybody loves. Not everybody loves the way that the book is written. But it was important to me I write it in that way, because I knew the potential power of how I wrote that book and engaged in that story could maybe potentially become a way you can offer yourself self-compassion. Okay, so again, how can you offer connection to yourself? Okay, that was the second thing we explored here. And then the third one we'll explore here, before we start to wrap up is how could you offer connection to someone who's likely to receive it and send it back.    

Robyn: So it makes a lot of sense that if you are living with somebody who isn't giving you a lot of connection, or in return, that turning to other places to get connection, makes a lot of sense, right? Turn, you know, to other relationships, including the relationship yourself, but also offering connection to someone else, someone who's likely to receive that connection and send it back to you is another strategy. Another thing you can do when it's hard to keep offering connection. Maybe you know someone who's in need of connection. Maybe they get all the sounds impossible, maybe you're reading and you're like, there's no way I have no energy, no way, no how. I'm not offering connection to someone else. I'm not even thinking about who could benefit from me offering them connection and compassion. And if you're thinking that, then I want you to just cross this idea right off the list right off the list, and we want you to think about it again. But if it does sound possible, consider it for just a moment. Maybe you have a friend who's struggling. And you could stop by with a coffee, or a tea, or whatever it is that they like, maybe there's a volunteer opportunity somewhere in your community that would involve connecting with someone in need. And with somebody who would really appreciate it. Again, somebody who would be sending the connection back. Gratitude is connection. Right? So finding a place where you could offer yourself, offer your connection, offer your way of showing up in the world and someone who would receive that and have gratitude for it. That's a way connection be coming back for you coming back to you.     

Robyn: Okay, and y'all by kind of offering this as a possibility. I'm not I'm not suggesting that you ignore your own needs and focus on others. Not at all. What I'm talking about is the mindful act of reaching out, energetically reaching out and literally reaching out and how that is a form of connection. Giving connection can be such a powerful antidote to feeling like we're alone and isolated. And it typically opens us up to receiving connection back. So I told you, we'd explore these three ways, right? Like, who could offer you connection? How could you offer yourself connection? And who could you offer connection to who is likely to receive it and then offer it in return to you. And I'm gonna give you one final little tip or connection hack. It's kind of like a way of offering connection to other people in the hopes that you're gonna get it back. But I have found y'all know, right that I love glitter. And years and years and years ago, I bought a pair of glitter doc marten boots to wear to a concert to a P!NK concert actually. And I loved them so much that I decided that they made perfect sense. To like, just integrate into my regular wardrobe. And at first I just actually integrated it into my speaking engagement wardrobe. Like I kind of used it as almost like a professional prop, right, like when I showed up at a speaking engagement. And then slowly over time, I started integrating like, just as in my regular life, and then I bought another pair. And now I have two pairs of glitter Doc Martens and a pair of glitter sandals and a pair of glittery flats and also a pair of pretty fabulous glittery cowboy boots.    

Robyn: And this Texan can get away, or former Texan can get away with wearing glittery cowboy boots, but anyone can. Anyone can. And this is why I'm telling you the story about glittery shoes. People stop me to talk to me about my shoes. And they do this with a smile on their face. It is a way of inviting connection out in the real world from strangers. People stop me on the airport, people stop me in shops, I have been literally walking down the road and had people driving. This has happened both in parking lots. And also on an actual side of the road. I've been walking with my glitter shoes on and people stop their cars to roll down the window and tell me how much they love my shoes. And that is of course with a big smile on their face. And this is not why I started wearing them. But it is such a beautiful way to kind of in a way like project to the world this idea of hey, I'm open and available for connection. I'm a friendly person. I think that's what glitter shoes tell people. I'm a friendly person. And that invites their connection back. And I end up getting connection from strangers in a lovely, wonderful, silly way. I mean little girls come up to me in the airport and tapped me on the shoulder to talk to me about my shoes. I mean, folks of all ages and all everything's stop me to tell me about how much they love my glittery shoes. And what I almost always say in reply is, you too could have glittery shoes. I just bought them on Amazon. I really like people to know that I'm not special with my glitter shoes, anybody can buy them and wear them. And if you're delighting in my glitter shoes, imagine how much you could delight in yourself if you put a pair of glitter shoes on your feet and wear them out in the world. So that is my one exceptionally practical tool today. Buy yourself some glitter shoes, the way strangers connect with you out in the real world when you're wearing glitter clothing. It's phenomenal. And if you're having a hard time giving connection to your kid, I'll bet you could use some delight coming at you even from strangers.    

Robyn: So there you have it folks my best tip, what to do if it's hard to keep offering connection to your kid, go buy some glitter shoes or some glitter clothing. Now that was just one tip. Hopefully, that ended this episode with some smiles and some delight for you and truly maybe a practical idea. If actually giving a receiving connection is feeling too much or too overwhelming right now. Maybe something like this could help you glitter shoes. Y'all I know that if you're in a state where connecting with your kid is feeling really really really hard that even hitting play on this podcast could feel really hard. And I am so grateful that you did I'm so grateful that you invite me into your earbuds into your heart into your nervous system. Give me the opportunity to have a moment of connection with you. I want you to know how much that matters how much this very small thing you did just press play. How much it matters for you. It matters for you. And if this has been helpful, this is episode what, like 170 something, I don't even know 170 something, there's a lot of episodes you can keep listening to, if you just found your way here, so many.    

Robyn: All right, you can sign up for my emails and you can get connection in your email box, you can go follow me over on social media and get connected on social media, you can head to my website, and look at the Free Resources page. And you can grab yourself a copy of Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors. It does come in paperback, and ebook and audiobook. So if you like listening, like even if you're enjoying the podcast, audiobook format might be nice for you as well, if you aren't familiar, yet was Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, yes, it's full of tips and techniques and very, very practical ideas. But I wrote it in a way for you to receive connection and compassion. I wrote it in a way that it would be authentic. And I wrote it in a way that would be neuro biologically supported, and how the brain receives compassion and how that changes the brain compassion and connection. So I wrote it real strategically. And most people are telling me that it's mattered. That reading a book that's written like that has been really impactful on their own nervous system way, way, way more than just, you know, getting so many tips and techniques and tools, which of course, is very important as well. So, lots and lots of ways to keep connecting with me. And if you want to connect on a deeper level, on a more intimate level, if you want to be able to hang out and chat with me, you can go and look at when the club opens. We open for new members every two to three months. That's at Robyngobbel.com/theclub. And if we're not open now for new members, we will be open soon you can put yourself on the waiting list. Alright, y'all, thank you again so much for showing up, for pressing play, for being part of this movement for caring enough about yourself to press play for caring enough about your kid. Caring enough about your kid to press play. I will be back with you again next week here on the Battling Behavior Show. Bye, y'all.